Martha Stewart’s Tips For Alabama Fans

DINING OUT

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

• Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back, some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

• Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
• Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

• Never take a beer to a job interview.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
• Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

So I profess on this day 10/19/07.

TtT