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Archive for the ‘satire’ Category

Tony Romo = Eminem’s latest victim

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 8, 2009

Where have you gone Eminem? Detroit turns its' lonely eyes toward you.

You know when you’ve reached the pinnacle of failure when Eminem has you in his sights and that’s just where Tony Romo and Jessica “Cowboys Jinx” Simpson are at the present moment.

Fresh off his latest retirement, Eminem, has a new single called We Made You that should make Cowboy fans everywhere seeing Washington Redskin red. Is it me or has anyone else noticed that Eminem seems to retire and comeback more than Brett Favre?

In the video which can be seen here, Romo & Simpson lead off playing catch with a what appears to be a hamburger and dirty dances on the General Lee. The video also has appearances by Sarah Palin & Ellen DeGeneres. Not since David Lee Roth’s “Just a Gigolo” has such a sweeping cultural indictment been unleashed on a sleeping populace.

For some odd reason I can actually see Romo and Simpson dancing on the General Lee in real life, as for Eminem in a few more years and his transformation into Weird Al will be complete.

This isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, hasn’t 2 Live Crew’s “Face Down, Ass Up” been used as a de-facto anthem for the position that Cowboys fans have been in at the end of each season for the past 13 years?

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Eminem, Jessica Simpson, NFL Football, satire, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

This to shall pass AKA: Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest for a new coach

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 13, 2008

http://sundaynonsports.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/fulmerwal.gif?w=463&h=463

Well the rumors are certainly running rampant on an already ravished Rocky Top. All in all yesterday should have been a very good day for Tennessee fans. Marlon Walls said he is sticking with his commitment to Tennessee, Kenny Hall officially signed with the VOLS to play basketball for Bruce Pearl & we learn that Eric Berry is also a Lott Trophy semifinalist.

I believe all those things should be considered great news if you’re a Tennessee fan, however when I scour the message boards all I see is negativity over than fact Butch Davis said he has no interest in Tennessee’s coaching job and will remain in Chapel Hill.

There is this huge debate at who should be the next Tennessee head football coach. For some reason everyone assumes that names like Butch Davis, Mike Leach & Lane Kiffin are all on this list.

The truth of the matter is only Mike Hamilton knows who’s on the list. Neither Tennessee nor Hamilton has said in a official capacity who is on that list. All anyone hears seems to come from “sources.” I’m not saying these sources are incorrect but I am saying that as for as we the average fan (and the real lifeblood of the program) knows these sources could be wrong.

Rumors will always swirl around coaching vacancies. That’s life. Here is UT’s plane log according to this blog and look yesterday it flew to Raleigh-Durham airport, why doesn’t a certain former offensive coordinator coach there? Hey a certain former super bowl winning NFL coach lives there as well.

Did you see how easy that was?

All I’m saying is folks relax and enjoy the men’s basketball team and this to shall pass.

Now in attempt to be humorous I present to you some other coaching candidates that for reason or another aren’t getting as play as those on this mythical list. I call it Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest. Enjoy.

Severely shaken up over the news the Butch Davis is “adamantly” denying any interest in the Tennessee coaching job, AD Mike Hamilton has an epiphany and realizes that he needs to go on a vision quest to stir up names to add to the ever growing wish list.

Hamilton takes a paper bag and grabs some Big Orange colored spray paint and sprays some in the bag. While taking deep slow breaths Hamilton chants:

“Oh spirit of the Behr please come to me now.”

After 45 minutes and 2 spray cans worth, the ghost of Behr Bryant appears to Hamilton and says:

“What the hell do you want? I was busy getting my drink on” to which Hamilton replied “You’re always getting your drink on Behr but I need your help!”

“You see” Hamilton begins “there are members of the Tennessee wish list saying no this early and I need some candidates to help the rumor fire similar to what Alabama went through before hiring Satan…err Saban.”

“You interrupted my daily dosing of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels for this?” Bryant asks.

Hamilton looks sheepishly down while tears form in his eyes.

“Oh God! Fine you girlie-man I’ll help you come up with candidates but I’m not helping you hire anyone!” Bryant says with disgust, “Come with me to my lair formally known as hell and we shall conjure some names for this list.”

“Hell? I thought I saw you in heaven in a dream I had. I’m not selling my soul to you Behr!” Hamilton replies.

A demon that strikingly looks like Logan Young suddenly appears from behind the Behr.

“We don’t need to buy your soul it’s not like you’re a five star football recruit” it mockingly says to Hamilton and disappears.

“He’s right you know” say the Behr “Besides what you saw in heaven was God wearing a hounds tooth hat, he just thinks he’s me. Now close your eyes we’re going to my lair”

Moments pass and Hamilton hears the Behr say “Ok weasel boy you can open them again.”

Hamilton looks around and says “Where am I? This certainly doesn’t look like hell.”

“It’s a place called Shreveport, La. & get used to it cause it’s possible you’ll be coming here for a few seasons and then you will see why I call this place hell” replied the Behr.

“Ok here are some more names to place on your wish list” say the Behr and hands Hamilton a piece of paper.

On the paper is collection of names that of people are not mentioning such as:

  • Charlie Strong: Current Defensive Coordinator at Florida.
  • Steve Sarkisian: Current Offensive Coordinator, Assistant Head Coach, and Quarterbacks Coach at Southern Cal.
  • Kevin Wilson: Current Offensive Coordinator at Oklahoma.
  • Kyle Whittingham: current coach at Utah who is undefeated.

Hamilton looked up at the Behr and gave his thanks and asked “How do I get back home?”

“Just click your heels together three times and say ‘There’s nothing like firing Fulmer’” the Behr replied.

Hamilton did just as he said and awoke sweating profusely on the floor of his garage and holding the phone in his hand.

He quickly places the phone to his ear and says “Behr is that you?”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been giving ideas for replacement coaches for the past 30 minutes!” a very frustrated Doug Dickey said, “Have you been huffing spray paint again?”

Quickly Hamilton hangs the phone up. He gets up dusts himself off. He feels a great weight off his mind and plans on enjoying the evening watching reruns of Laverne & Shirley.

Posted in Bear is Dead, Butch Davis, fire philip fulmer, fulmer sucks, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, God, Hell, Logan Young, Mike Hamilton, Phillip Fulmer, satire, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, UT vols | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Fulmer has got some nerve

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 26, 2008

El battle capitán Phillip Fulmer has really got some nerve and balls of steel. He suspended Cornerback Brent Vinson and defensive tackle Donald Langley for the game against UCLA for all things: not going to class.

Fulmer said both could return to play against UAB on Sept. 13, provided they uphold their academic standing.

These are football players not scholars! It’s not like they were dealing cocaine or using a dead woman’s credit card. Langley is a pretty big loss for us, but we’re pretty deep at corner so Vinson is not so much.

I understand the pitfalls of putting so much passion and energy into the fate of 18-22 year old men, but asking them to go to class too dang much!

Hopefully in the grand scheme of things this won’t hurt us too badly. Who knows? Maybe it will actually help somehow, but I’d rather be going to Pasadena with a full plane instead of two empty seats. That’s for sure. I’m just so ticked off right now. I’m going to go kick the neighbor’s bulldog.

Please note the sarcasm in this post because I laid it on thick.

Posted in dumbass, Go Vols, Phillip Fulmer, satire, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, UCLA | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

At 2:26 PM Today the Official One Year Anniversary Begins

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 27, 2008

Wow, one solid year of writing this crap for you peons sharing our thoughts on sports related subjects.

First & for most I would like to thank Joel and Ghetto Philosopher for being the men that they are first and contributing writers second. I would thank Billy Bob Bammer and Little Bear Cub but they’re Bama bastards.

I also thank the following blogs in no particular order for inspiration and for giving me laughs when I sometimes need it the most.

I also want to thank the following people/teams/morons & all around idiots for giving such great material.

  • Steve God Spurrier and the USC thugs
  • Florida Gaytors
  • Cheating Bammers
  • O.J. “Slasher” Simpson
  • Michael Vick
  • University of West Virginia
  • New York Yank’mees
  • Every athlete that has been arrested this past year
  • Roger Clemens
  • Mindy Mccready
  • Jerrell Powe
  • Danica Patrick
  • Adam Pacman Jones

But mostly I want to thank you the readers. Whether we have pissed you off or made you laugh thank you for stopping by. The writers and I look forward to another year of slamming your favorite team and/or sports personality.

Posted in Adam Jones, Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, conVick, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Florida Gators, Jerrell Powe, Michael Vick, new york yankees, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Roll Tide, Ron Mexico, satire, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier, West Virginia Mountaineers, white trash, WTF, WVU, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

I Miss Coach O

Posted by Joel on July 20, 2008

Ran across this video and it is a classic: “highlights” from the Egg Bowl last year between Ole Miss & Miss. St. Yup, this video pretty much sums up Coach O’s coaching career. I will miss him. If you will miss him like I will, as you watch this video recite these words in your head as Elvis sings: Yaw Yaw Yaw, Footbaw, & Wild Boyz…

Posted in coach o, College Football, Crime & Punishment, Ed Orgeron, mississippi state bulldogs, NCAA, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, satire, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Sports | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Good Lord Wildcat Fans, Cool Your Jets

Posted by Joel on June 29, 2008

When I wrote this article, I knew it would get a reaction. NEVER did I think it would get this type of reaction, although similar posts about Kentucky basketball have gotten much more traffic than anything else. With that said, instead of responding to every comment, I will post this and let the chips fall where they may…

Regarding my name and avatar, my real name is Joel. I chose to post under my own name because I am my own person. I understand why someone would want to have a different username, but not me. Nothing worng with it in my opinion, but that is how I roll. I chose to use The Pyramid Arena in Memphis because I am a proud native Memphian. I am also proud to be from the great state of Tennessee. Even though I attended Tennessee State University in Nashville (after deciding not to attend Columbia University, Brown University, Morehouse college, or the University of North Carolina, all offering academic scholarships while I was in high school), I still support all things Volunteer and all things regarding Memphis Tiger basketball. Equally, on this site, I have personally made fun of both. Examples of me making fun of Tiger basketball can be found here, here, and here. I do live and die Memphis Tiger basketball, despite the recent heartbreak of the title game and lack of national titles (unlike Kentucky). A few of my favorite posts of satire of Tennessee can be found here, here, and here. There have been other things that we have touched upon, including West Virginia football, Alabama, and the Miami Dolphins during their “run” to futility. Check out the “April Fool’s Day” page .The original and still current mantra of this blog is “A Sports Blog On Why ALL Teams Suck”. It just so happened that I did one on Kentucky, and things went bat shit. Of course, I was hoping people to understand sarcasm but I guess I expected too much.

First off, I do actually work during the day and I am not around a computer until I get home. So if you are pissy about anything I have written, cool it until later in the evening. I am not some snot nosed college kid or an unemployed bum watching Judge Judy and ESPN First Take all day.

Second, the only mistake I made (I feel) is making the title “Wanna be an NBA Player???” It was intended to sarcastically point out that Kentucky hasn’t had an NBA lottery player in a long time and a first round player drafted in a few years. That is a fact, as confirmed by John Clay of the Lexington Herald Ledger (he even called my work crude. I feel honored). But some of you Kentucky fans pointed out how Rajon Rondo just won an NBA championship with Boston and Tayshaun Prince has just been named to the Olympic team. Kudos. The fact of the matter is that Rondo was on a great team and while point guard is an important position, Paul Pierce handled the ball more than any other Celtic during the title run. Thomas the Terrible could have run point guard and the Celtics were still going to win it all. As for Prince, while he has been a valued member of the Pistons, there is no way I would have picked him over Tyson Chandler, Amare Stoudamire, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, or even Paul Pierce. I am not the only one of this opinion.

Here is the bigger issue though: What is the real reason for the swarm of reaction??? Is it because the fanbase of Kentucky basketball is that fragile??? Or, did the truth really hurt??? Let’s look at these two questions.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Adolph Rupp, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, basketball, Billy Clyde, Billy Gillispie, boo birds, boosters, cat killer, classless, College Basketball, crazy, Cry Baby, ESPN, Fights, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA, satire, SEC, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Sports | Tagged: , | 20 Comments »

Wanna Be An NBA Player??? Here Is NOT Where To Play

Posted by Joel on June 27, 2008

I finally get some time to put up a post and it just so happens to be right after the 1st round of the NBA Draft . Then something came over me: Our favorite overrated, elitist, ass backwards, and drunken coached team from the SEC didn’t have a player drafted in the 1st round. This makes the second year in a row that a Kentucky player was not drafted in the 1st round, and continues the 11 year streak since a Wildcat player was picked in the lottery.

Oh don’t worry Wildcat fan. I know where to place the blame. It was “10 Loss” Tubby’s fault. He was too busy making sure he ran a clean program, free of racism (unlike the arena named after the “great” Rupp), and made sure that he didn’t hit the Wild Turkey bottle and try to drive home from the bar. He just simply didn’t have time to recruit players who would be developed into NBA talent.

Leave it to Billy Clyde Gilispie to recruit like a mother. He has already scored top 10 talent of all ages. He will take Kentucky back to single digit losses in just a few short years, as soon as his 8th grade recruits start arriving to Lexington. Too bad he said he was gonna stop recruiting young kids. Rumor is that he had planned to recruit Chicago next week while school is out for the summer. R. Kelly was gonna show him where all the hot spots were to get top talent, before Mr. Kelly got some talent of his own. Of course, knowing Billy Clyde’s track record, he’ll be gone quicker than you can say “Nick Saban”. It’s all good anyway, the best coach in the state left you back in the 90′s and now coaches your in-state rival.

So, for all of the Derrick Jasper’s, Scotty Hopson’s, and (insert latest player’s name to leave the Kentucky program here) of the world, things will be ok. You will make it to the NBA Draft Lottery, because you never put on the Wildcat uniform.

Let’s hear Tim Brando spin another year of Kentucky mediocrity…

Posted in Adolph Rupp, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, bad drivers, basketball, Billy Clyde, Billy Gillispie, boosters, cat killer, College Basketball, Cry Baby, Dead Drunk, draft pick, drunk, DUI, ESPN, Evil Empire, Kentucky Wildcats, Liar, Louisville, Louisville Cardinals, NBA, NCAA, satire, SEC, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Sports | Tagged: , , , | 110 Comments »

The Book of Numbers Chapter 13 (NIV)

Posted by Joel on June 2, 2008

There was once a man named Bobby, who was excited about the upcoming Tide football season, but was a little concerned because the team still had the pagan Shula’s recruits left. Bobby would putter along like any other member of the Saban Nation, spending his days stockpiling Scott Toilet Tissue whenever Walgreens had a sale on it, and kissing the altar of his holiness The Bear. Tuscaloosa wasn’t heaven, however Bobby felt as though it was heaven on earth.

He would remember his days as a youth as Bear brought in the best of the best to maintain the team’s rightful dominance in college football. His heart was very joyful when Stallings won another championship and the cash flowed throughout the town of Tuscaloosa, both around the team and at the local t-shirt shop. He even remembers seeing the prophet Logan Young on the sidelines, credit card in hand, to provide the players with the finest liquor, drugs, strippers, whatever was needed for the good of the Tide Nation, and Bear looked down from heaven and was proud.

However, Bobby’s faith has been a little shaken. The Tide has been a punchline lately, and the program has not won a championship in what seems like years. Even with the arrival of St. Nick the Magnificent, the Tide still cannot vanquish the in state goat lover’s to the south or the nutria in Louisiana. The only bright spot has been the annual trips to Shreveport to enjoy whatever there is to do in Shreveport.

Bobby was now down and out. His childhood memories of ‘Bama glory has now been replaced with images of Dee Snyder looking strippers hugged up with Coach Price, Shula’s gold chains, stolen textbooks, and losing 6 straight to Tuberville. There just hasn’t been enough Golden Flake chips in the world to bring the good memories back. One day, during the 7th inning stretch of the Montgomery Biscuits baseball game (the only team winning championships in the state these days), he had a vision after visiting his friend John at the Biscuits souvenir stand. His faith in the Tide would be restored, because St. Nick the Magnificent has just appeared in front of him. He then told Bobby:

“Verily I say unto you, my child, that thy faith has been shaken. Why??? Be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings about the Crimson Tide have betrayed you. I have wined and dined with kings and queens, and I beseech you, my child, to have faith. Have you forgotten that I am a direct descendant of Bear himself??? Did you not remember that I vanquished the mighty Vols by my mastery and cunning alone??? I have unlimited resource$ at my disposal. Remember when Julio Jones put on that crimson hat on signing day??? Why have you lost your faith???

Bobby replied “My Prophet!!! You are not short like all the liberal left wing nut job papers report that you are. And your hair is so perfect and has a silky sheen to it. Do you use Prell???” To which St. Nick the Magnificent replied:

You mean to tell me that is the response that I get??? Typical. How can these people afford to pay me $4 million per year with such dumb ass responses??? Oh well, West Virginia will be open in a couple of years. Listen son, have faith in me. I am great. I have put downtrodden programs back on the map and have a national championship to my credit. The problem is that right now we are still trying to weed out Gold Chain Shula’s players that he recruited. In a few years, we will be competing for that SEC West crown in no time.”

Bobby was now feeling much better. His faith had been just about restored, but he had to ask the following: “What about Auburn???

“For there is a great eagle to the south that soars high and wide over the stars that fell over Alabama. The eagle has posed little to no threat to life as we speak until recently. But verily I say unto you, Bobby, ye of the “fine” public educational system in Alabama, that we shall vanquish that eagle and the Tide will roll once again. Fear not, my child, for lo, I will be with you always (until my next fat paycheck). Continue to drink out of the Biscuits souvenir cup that has just touched the hem of my garment and you shall be transported to a happier time.”

It was then that Bobby woke up, pissy drunk in Montgomery County jail on charges of public intoxication after consuming 64 oz. of moonshine at a Southern League baseball game. It seemed that his friend John was an Auburn alum and alerted the police of his drunkenness…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Auburn, College Football, NCAA, Nick Saban, Roll Tide, satire, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Sports, Tommy Tuberville, tommy Turbeville, War Eagle | 1 Comment »

I Squeeze Elmer’s In Your Honor

Posted by Joel on May 4, 2008

RIP Eight Belles

For you gave your life through & through.

Now as you lie on a cold slab for autopsy,

Your remains will soon become glue.

You were an amazing philly,

Trying to chase the men.

All for a few bucks,

Gold diggin’ until the end.

The way you ran that race,

And snapped your front sticks.

All so your owners can get some cash;

Is their last name Vick???

As you go out

Into the great sky.

I hope you meet Barbaro in heaven

As your earthly bodies will take an hour to dry…

RIP Eight Belles…

Posted in satire, scandal | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

She’s A ‘Bama Cougar

Posted by Little Bear Cub on April 1, 2008

Alana Colette Connell is one sexy lady. And don’t you dipshits forget it. You clandestine sissy boys made fun of her last year kissing Nick Saban and getting arrested for DUI immediately afterwards. You fans of other schools are just jealous that a woman would take off of her job at Dollar General to attend a pep rally for the new coach. You wish you had fans as dedicated to the Capstone as Ms. Connell. She’s a Cougar.

drunkfankissin.jpg

Now that’s a fan. So what she had a few drinks too many? The cop that arrested her was a Barner. Those numbnuts from the Barn are just sooooooooooooooo jealous of our 12 prizes and the Paul “Bear” Bryant Museum. Remind me again who the fuck Pat Dye was? That’s right animal lovers, he ain’t even Bill Curry. Leave our George Dickel drinking cougar alone.

Oh, and to show you some more talent from Tuscaloosa, not that these jackasses on this site know what beauty is, here you go:

closeupled.jpg

Roll Tide Roll Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Auburn, Bammers, BCS, boosters, Mascots, NCAA, Nick Saban, Saban, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed, Sex Video | Tagged: , , | 6 Comments »

 
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