Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

So…Just How is the Search to Replace Dave Odom Going?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 24, 2008

The coaching search for a replacement for Dave “They’re just internet rumors” Odom is supposedly underway. Here’s a list of future losers candidates that seems to be buzzing around, just one problem not many seem that interested in being booed during a home game.

Wichita State coach Gregg Marshall.

Marshall is the former Winthrop coach who defeated Notre Dame in the tournament last year. This truly marked the decline of all things “Fighting Irish”. Marshall held a press conference just to tell USC too bad, so sad. Except he was “PC” about it.

“Through nine seasons at Winthrop I’ve learned that you can’t control rumor and speculation from the media and other sources, so I felt I needed to make a statement.

.

“My total focus is on building the Wichita State basketball program toward excellence. I have not been contacted by, nor have I contacted the University of South Carolina or any school, for that matter, for any position. Period.”

Virginia Commonwealth coach Anthony Grant

He’s young, energetic and a good coach. Just one problem VCU athletics director Norwood Teague would not grant permission for any school to speak to Grant during the season.

“The only job I’m interested in right now is VCU,” Grant said during the Colonial Athletic Association coaches teleconference. “We’ve got a great situation here, I’m excited about having a chance to go up and beat Hofstra tomorrow, and that’s where our focus is.”

Translation: I can get better plus a fat raise from this.

Those are the two front runners. You could do a poll in the state this week and get as much of a response on “Grant or Marshall” as you could for “Clinton or Obama.”

Other possibilities are:

Oklahoma coach Jeff Capel

Another good coach who’s younger, just one problem he’s definitely not interested.

“I’m not interested in anything except for coaching my team,” Capel told the Tulsa World newspaper. “That’s all.”

Translation: Why would I dream of leaving now and for all things USC?

Minnesota coach Tubby “Does Kentucky Miss Me Yet?” Smith

Problem with that is he’s already making $1.75 million a year.

Some former NFL running back now turned local radio talk show host who shall remain nameless (Duce Staley) has even thrown these names as possible replacements for Odom. Try not to laugh.

North Carolina coach Roy Williams

Bahahaha yeah…right…sure…lay off the drugs Duce.

Kansas coach Bill Self.

See comments above.

Apparently Duce believes only big name coaches build big time programs. Please someone do not tell Bruce Pearl that.

Now I’m here to help beleaguered AD Eric Hyman find a coach. So this is the list I’m planning on submitting to him. It’s, how you say, more realistic.

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas

I fully believe he’s going to be unemployed soon and whom better than to lead the Gamecocks to future failure than this man? Plus he might come cheap.

San Francisco coach Eddie Sutton

Sure he’s not as young as Hyman wants but he’ll eventually get to 800 wins, if he doesn’t die first. He has a lot of experience and built the Oklahoma State program. All USC has to do is overlook the 6-7 martini lunch and 12 pack of Budweiser film sessions.

Former Missouri coach Quinn Snyder

What are a few NCAA violations mixed with cocaine addiction anyway? I think I saw Snyder at Starbucks in Wilmington, NC on a Saturday morning dressed like a 25 year old and driving a VW bus with a dent in the side. I think he’s working at The Gap part-time, but he can sing “Eye of the Tiger” really well.

Steve Newton

Oh wait sorry he’s already coached there and some USC fans are still blaming him for the current b-ball chicken curse.

Saint Luis coach Rick “I’m not Jabba the Hut’s Brother!” Majerus.

He has won a lot of games and apparently likes to naked. The thought of maybe seeing him naked would cause me to play a lot better, that’s for sure.

“The first time, [Utah was] recruiting me, and after the game I went down to the [Utes’] locker room,” says Jeff Johnsen, who signed with Utah in 1996. “His hair’s everywhere and his sweater’s off and he’s just drenched, and he’s eating a whole pizza in front of me and he’s like, ‘You want any?’ I grab a piece, and then he starts undressing and gets in the shower and is still talking to me. It was funny. It was weird. How many grown, fat, naked men do you see when you’re a high school kid?”

.

Another player remembers Majerus calling him up to his hotel room on various occasions, and “he’d answer the door in his towel and I’d come in and the towel would fall off and it was like nothing had happened. He’d just be standing there buck naked. One year he had this lower-back injury, and he would have the trainer massage it with ultrasound. But instead of just lowering his pants a little bit, Majerus would pull his pants down to his ankles and sit in a chair and coach us. Sometimes he’d be like, ‘Guys, bring it in, take a knee.’ We’d come in, and we’re just like, No way this is happening.”

Umm ok…maybe I’ll scratch him off the list…besides at this rate even the Pope will hate him eventually.

Just sit back and relax to the smoothing sounds of Quinn Snyder.

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2 Responses to “So…Just How is the Search to Replace Dave Odom Going?”

  1. TideDruid said

    We have one coach who will at least do marginally better than Odom in Tuscaloosa, if you dare hire him. Seriously, certain Bama fans will pay you to take him. He’s a decent recruiter, and looks better with an all-star PG.

  2. Joel said

    Bama is a football school. Basketball season is just a way to show recruits a building where they can interact with the fan base in an intimate setting…

    Plus, I am honestly surprised that Gottfried is still employed there. Who has done less with more in SEC basketball???

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