Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

There’s An Axe Swinging At ESPN/ABC

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 11, 2008

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In today’s USA Today, it is reported that Michele Tafoya and Suzy Kolber will have reduced roles during their Monday Night Football telecasts. As of right now, there is no word as to what exactly their new roles will be. According to ESPN’s Mike Soltys, “There precise roles are yet to be determined.” Also, on the ABC Sports side, contracts of Dan Fouts and Tim Brandt will not be renewed. Fouts and Brandt mostly worked on Pac-10 games.

Tafoya and Kolber should not be the only changes on the Monday Night Football broadcast. Kornheiser needs to go. While I am not that familiar with his columns, I thought he did a great on the radio and works well with Mike Wilbon on PTI. In the broadcast booth, he is no better than Dennis Miller. At least he doesn’t try to use words from an SAT study guide like Miller commonly does. Personally, I would like to see Mike “Sexual Harassment” Tirico go too. Give some young and up and coming broadcaster the gig. Also, if they want to upgrade from Tafoya and Kolber, America’s Favorite Gator Erin Andrews is available.

As for Fouts and Brandt, I thought they were great on the telecast. Personally, I thought they made the best broadcast team that ABC/ESPN had for football coverage. I think the problem was that they focused on the details of the game. X’s and O’s were their thing. This is the ABC/ESPN mindset: Who needs X’s and O’s and who wants to learn more about the game, when Matthew McGodhesgay is down there in the student section??? Let’s put a shirt on that guy, take that Texas sized spliff out of his hands, and bring him up to the booth so he can talk about his Longhorns. After all, nothing says Longhorn football like a shirtless neo-conservative playing the bongos and having a case of the munchies.

Here is my personal list of people I think need to be let go by ESPN specifically:

*Stuart Scott-Can a man be so much of a walking cliche??? He was cool back in 1997 and has aged since.

*Colin Cowherd-Bring back Kornheiser on the radio. Cowherd belongs on Fox Sports Radio. Douchebag.

*Sean Salisbury-Do I honestly need a reason here???

*Kirk Herbstreit-Pretty boy QB with the analytical abilities of a 5 year old Madden gamer.

*Skip Bayless-He’s another guy that believes his own press clippings too much.

*Mike Lupica-Suffers from “Little Man Syndrome” and probably Erectile Dysfunction.

* Any of the Baseball Tonight Crew Not Named Karl Ravech, Peter Gammons, or Buster Olney.

*Rachel Nichols-I think she would be cool not in front of the camera. She doesn’t blink for God’s sake. Freaky…

*Mike & Mike-Insert gay & meathead joke here.

I know I left out the usual names like Berman, Musberger, Mike Patrick, Dana Jacobson. They always give us great YouTube clips, so I think they should stay. Plus, I heard Dana Jacobsen loves to party. Also, I left out overrated RB Emmitt Smith. I know he can’t talk, but if they send him to ESPN Deportes for about 3 months so he can learn Spanish, he just might do better. Just keep him away from Adriana Monsalve

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10 Responses to “There’s An Axe Swinging At ESPN/ABC”

  1. Fuck that entire network. They ruined sports.

  2. Joel said

    If I had a few billion dollars, I would start my own sports network. I can’t believe I left Lee Corso out of the list. Oh well, too lazy to edit the post,,,

  3. I hear Dana Jacobson likes to party.

  4. Joel said

    She is a proud Michigan alum. So proud, she has been known to say “F**k Notre Dame & F**K Touchdown Jesus.”

    Plus, she can chug Belvedere like no one’s business. She sounds like she would be so fun at a party. Maybe you guys at LWS should have a “Logan Young Roast” and invite her to host. I would spring for a case of vodka for her troubles…

  5. You know Jacobson only drinks Belvedere because the Buckeyes get their Goose on.

    I got something planned on Logan Young/UAT later on this week, needs a lot of work though, and I have the feeling it will be either incredibly awesome or totally over everyone’s head.

  6. zigzag said

    Firing Tirico, Herbstreit, Corso and Kornheiser is not good enough. Some sort of severe punishment is in order such as waterboarding on a daily basis. Maybe Emmitt could do a little ballroom dancing while we listen to his canned crap.

  7. Joel said

    Emmitt can’t even pronounce “waterboarding”…

  8. zigzag said

    He and dubya have the same grammar coach but you’ll have to admit that Emmitt does a mean foxtrot.

  9. Joel said

    Emmitt can dance. I think it would priceless to have him in the booth with Tirico and Kornheiser in the booth of Monday Night Football…

  10. zigzag said

    Maybe Emmitt could teach Tirico the quick step while Kornheiser plays the harmonica.

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