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Archive for March 24th, 2008

A Visitor’s Guide to Houston

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 24, 2008

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I have been a resident of Houston (for better or worse) for 5 years now. No, I am not a Houstonian or even worse, a Texan, but this is a helpful guide for you fans of Michigan St., Stanford, or God’s team, Memphis, that will be coming here to cheer your team at beautiful Reliant Stadium. For once, someone will actually win something at reliant Stadium, seeing as though it is also the home field for the NFL’s Houston Texans. Yes I know I omitted the Texas Longhorns, but as much as they play in Houston and considering this is their home state, essentially it is a homecoming. Plus, the dope boys are excited because Matthew McGodhesgay will be here to root on his Longhorns, meaning an instant boost of the sticky icky sales for this year…

Travel

*There are 2 main airports here: George H.W. Bush Intercontinental Airport & William P. Hobby Airport. Hobby is the much smaller airport and less overall hassle, but from my experience, Bush is a little bit more efficient. I just have issues with the airport’s name.

*Avoid if at all possible all major interstates and highways between the hours of 6 am-7 pm Monday-Friday and especially I-45S towards Galveston and I-10W towards Katy on weekends. The more side streets that you can find, the better.

*The cabs inside the loop are pretty efficient, but just as in New York, Chicago, and LA, you might need to carry at least a foreign language dictionary. Pick one.

*Metro Bus System absolutely sucks. If anyone is big time enough to stay downtown, there is a light rail system that will transport you from downtown to Reliant Park, but a word of caution: The light rail is super quiet. What this means is that if you are either walking or driving your car and you are not paying attention, you will get run over.

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Posted in Marijuana, mary jane, Memphis Tigers, Michigan State Spartons, NCAA, Sports, stupid, Texas Longhorns | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Toughest 81 Year Old in History

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 24, 2008

81. That is a significant number. Yes it is the number of a once entertaining, loud mouthed, suicidal wide receiver with a bad case of the drops. It is also the age of the toughest 81 year old coach in college football history, Joe Paterno.

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The stories of him are legend. He still runs everyday. He’s not afraid to get in the grill of one of his massive linemen. He still wanted to coach his team on the sidelines just a few days after breaking his leg. He once crushed a milk carton on his head and didn’t even look to see if he recognized the missing person on the other side. He has been an institution, both at Penn State and college football. He even has a class at the school where students get to examine his historical role with the media (in case underwater basketweaving is full). So why does he not have a contract after this upcoming year???

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To the left is PSU President Graham Spanier, who to me looks remarkably like Pres. King from Doonesbury. Anyway, apparently Spanier has twice before gone to Paterno back in 2004 to try to convince the coach to quit. It didn’t work last time and for some reason, I don’t think it will happen this time. Besides, if they get rid of Paterno, a new coach won’t come nearly as cheap as the old coach. Young guys are easily commanding on average $2-3 million per year. They aren’t paying Paterno squat currently.

Spanier does not know who he is messing with. Even the name of Joe Paterno should send shivers down his spine. He does not know the power of Paterno. He certainly doesn’t want to challenge him MMA style. JoePa will break him off and have his beating heart on a platter next to the All-American Slam at Denny’s. And please don’t let the servers tell JoePa about the Senior’s menu. He hates that. Run him off, you administrators at Penn State if you dare. When you see him pick up a briefcase and his trusty Winchester named Bessie, that will be your ass that he will put on a platter at Golden Corral. Just remember: All God’s creatures have their place, right next to the mashed potatoes. And Paterno is hungry…

Posted in Ass Whipping, BCS, big 10, big ten, big ten football, boo birds, boosters, bumrush, cat killer, classless, College Football, College Gameday, dumbass, ESPN, Fines, football, Football Poll, Internet Rumors, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, Lee Corso, NCAA, Penn State, Penn State Nittany Lions, satire, Sports, sports & stuff, stupid, team spirit | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »