Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Toughest 81 Year Old in History

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 24, 2008

81. That is a significant number. Yes it is the number of a once entertaining, loud mouthed, suicidal wide receiver with a bad case of the drops. It is also the age of the toughest 81 year old coach in college football history, Joe Paterno.

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The stories of him are legend. He still runs everyday. He’s not afraid to get in the grill of one of his massive linemen. He still wanted to coach his team on the sidelines just a few days after breaking his leg. He once crushed a milk carton on his head and didn’t even look to see if he recognized the missing person on the other side. He has been an institution, both at Penn State and college football. He even has a class at the school where students get to examine his historical role with the media (in case underwater basketweaving is full). So why does he not have a contract after this upcoming year???

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To the left is PSU President Graham Spanier, who to me looks remarkably like Pres. King from Doonesbury. Anyway, apparently Spanier has twice before gone to Paterno back in 2004 to try to convince the coach to quit. It didn’t work last time and for some reason, I don’t think it will happen this time. Besides, if they get rid of Paterno, a new coach won’t come nearly as cheap as the old coach. Young guys are easily commanding on average $2-3 million per year. They aren’t paying Paterno squat currently.

Spanier does not know who he is messing with. Even the name of Joe Paterno should send shivers down his spine. He does not know the power of Paterno. He certainly doesn’t want to challenge him MMA style. JoePa will break him off and have his beating heart on a platter next to the All-American Slam at Denny’s. And please don’t let the servers tell JoePa about the Senior’s menu. He hates that. Run him off, you administrators at Penn State if you dare. When you see him pick up a briefcase and his trusty Winchester named Bessie, that will be your ass that he will put on a platter at Golden Corral. Just remember: All God’s creatures have their place, right next to the mashed potatoes. And Paterno is hungry…

7 Responses to “Toughest 81 Year Old in History”

  1. MoonDog said

    Joe Pa might actually do it after this season. I guess if the football gods were all aligned properly he’d die coaching a game, but do you really want to see that? I like Paterno and believe he should be allowed to stay as long as he wants. It will take the Nittany Lions going 4-8 this season to fuel any discussion of his retirement.

  2. Joel said

    With 18 starters coming back, it will be hard for Penn St. to lose 8 games this year. Plus, their QB Morelli is mercifully gone so that should help.

    He probably would die coaching a game but I think he would want it that way…

  3. zigzag said

    That old turd will be calling the shots from his casket.

  4. Joel said

    He will be calling plays for the next 100 years…

  5. lawvol said

    What you don’t realize is that Joe Pa actually died in 1997, it’s just that no one has realized it yet…

  6. zigzag said

    @5 LMAO – He does look a little thin.

  7. Joel said

    I think when Thomas photoshopped this pic he made him thin on purpose…

    What you don’t realize is that JoePa helped defeat the British and he has a hyperbaric chamber in his house which allows him to look like an 81 year old…

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