Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Shockey & Mahorn are the perfect role models for kids if you ask me

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 24, 2008

If I’m ever blessed with a son there are two people I want to help shape and mold his mind. They are Jeremy Shockey & Rick Mahorn.

Shockey is the epitome of what self sacrifice & toughness is all about. When he isn’t injured of course. And when he is injured he is still a valuable asset to have. Remember the super bowl? Everyone knows it was Shockey’s consistent whining about not getting the ball and then dropping it when it is thrown to him criticism that propelled Eli to greatness.

People seem to remember Shockey in the sky box getting drunk with his buddies instead of being on the sidelines with his crutches. Let me explain something to you. Every 40 oz. he slammed down was for the team and don’t you ever forget it!

People wonder why Shockey didn’t show up for the super bowl ring ceremony & parade. I’ll tell you why. He was busy doing self-acupuncture with railroad spikes on his pride still healing leg. That’s how tough he is. Shockey can fight against all injuries except a stumped toe that seems to lay him up for 6 months at least. Only Steven Seagal is tougher and maybe Kevin Winslow when umm Winslow isn’t injured of course.

Another Kryptonite for Shocky is razor burn that will land him on the IR for about a month at a time.

Playing through razor burn and a hangnail what a trooper!

People say Eli is a completely different quarterback without Shockey, that’s because Eli is in awe of Shockey. When Shockey wasn’t injured of course.

Shockey is also a great mentor for kids in fact this is what he said to youngsters in June

“If the team trades me, I promise you I’m going to make them pay. If I ever get a chance to play against a team that trades me, it’s not going to be a pretty sight.”

The fear of God was placed into those kids and now they are all kicking the crap out of boy scouts just so they may be the ones to help little old ladies across the street.

Merit badges are for wimps.

Now for Rick Mahorn

No one in the world would be more capable of teaching my son how to treat the ladies like Rick “Bad Boy Pimp Bitches” Mahorn.

Everyone who has witnessed that video knows Pimp Rick wasn’t shoving Lisa Leslie down on the floor, but instead it was his way saying:

“Hey you’re looking mighty fine to be a 36 year old mother, let me sex you up and make you feel better”

After getting Lisa’s number Pimp Rick then went to look for other women to abuse lovers. But first Mahorn had to break it off with his current lady friend as seen in the photo below.

I’ve already sexed you up twice…today woman!

People are saying Pimp Rick was grabbing Los Angeles Sparks’ assistant coach Laura Beeman forcefully by the arm.

That’s not what’s going on that’s just Mahorns way of saying:

Listen slut honey I’m done with you we’ve grown apart fetch me a beer before you leave I’ll always remember you and cherish the times we spent skank don’t you blow up my cell phone.

See Mahorn’s that smooth and Shockey is that self sacrificing.

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