Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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This to shall pass AKA: Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest for a new coach

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 13, 2008

http://sundaynonsports.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/fulmerwal.gif

Well the rumors are certainly running rampant on an already ravished Rocky Top. All in all yesterday should have been a very good day for Tennessee fans. Marlon Walls said he is sticking with his commitment to Tennessee, Kenny Hall officially signed with the VOLS to play basketball for Bruce Pearl & we learn that Eric Berry is also a Lott Trophy semifinalist.

I believe all those things should be considered great news if you’re a Tennessee fan, however when I scour the message boards all I see is negativity over than fact Butch Davis said he has no interest in Tennessee’s coaching job and will remain in Chapel Hill.

There is this huge debate at who should be the next Tennessee head football coach. For some reason everyone assumes that names like Butch Davis, Mike Leach & Lane Kiffin are all on this list.

The truth of the matter is only Mike Hamilton knows who’s on the list. Neither Tennessee nor Hamilton has said in a official capacity who is on that list. All anyone hears seems to come from “sources.” I’m not saying these sources are incorrect but I am saying that as for as we the average fan (and the real lifeblood of the program) knows these sources could be wrong.

Rumors will always swirl around coaching vacancies. That’s life. Here is UT’s plane log according to this blog and look yesterday it flew to Raleigh-Durham airport, why doesn’t a certain former offensive coordinator coach there? Hey a certain former super bowl winning NFL coach lives there as well.

Did you see how easy that was?

All I’m saying is folks relax and enjoy the men’s basketball team and this to shall pass.

Now in attempt to be humorous I present to you some other coaching candidates that for reason or another aren’t getting as play as those on this mythical list. I call it Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest. Enjoy.

Severely shaken up over the news the Butch Davis is “adamantly” denying any interest in the Tennessee coaching job, AD Mike Hamilton has an epiphany and realizes that he needs to go on a vision quest to stir up names to add to the ever growing wish list.

Hamilton takes a paper bag and grabs some Big Orange colored spray paint and sprays some in the bag. While taking deep slow breaths Hamilton chants:

“Oh spirit of the Behr please come to me now.”

After 45 minutes and 2 spray cans worth, the ghost of Behr Bryant appears to Hamilton and says:

“What the hell do you want? I was busy getting my drink on” to which Hamilton replied “You’re always getting your drink on Behr but I need your help!”

“You see” Hamilton begins “there are members of the Tennessee wish list saying no this early and I need some candidates to help the rumor fire similar to what Alabama went through before hiring Satan…err Saban.”

“You interrupted my daily dosing of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels for this?” Bryant asks.

Hamilton looks sheepishly down while tears form in his eyes.

“Oh God! Fine you girlie-man I’ll help you come up with candidates but I’m not helping you hire anyone!” Bryant says with disgust, “Come with me to my lair formally known as hell and we shall conjure some names for this list.”

“Hell? I thought I saw you in heaven in a dream I had. I’m not selling my soul to you Behr!” Hamilton replies.

A demon that strikingly looks like Logan Young suddenly appears from behind the Behr.

“We don’t need to buy your soul it’s not like you’re a five star football recruit” it mockingly says to Hamilton and disappears.

“He’s right you know” say the Behr “Besides what you saw in heaven was God wearing a hounds tooth hat, he just thinks he’s me. Now close your eyes we’re going to my lair”

Moments pass and Hamilton hears the Behr say “Ok weasel boy you can open them again.”

Hamilton looks around and says “Where am I? This certainly doesn’t look like hell.”

“It’s a place called Shreveport, La. & get used to it cause it’s possible you’ll be coming here for a few seasons and then you will see why I call this place hell” replied the Behr.

“Ok here are some more names to place on your wish list” say the Behr and hands Hamilton a piece of paper.

On the paper is collection of names that of people are not mentioning such as:

  • Charlie Strong: Current Defensive Coordinator at Florida.
  • Steve Sarkisian: Current Offensive Coordinator, Assistant Head Coach, and Quarterbacks Coach at Southern Cal.
  • Kevin Wilson: Current Offensive Coordinator at Oklahoma.
  • Kyle Whittingham: current coach at Utah who is undefeated.

Hamilton looked up at the Behr and gave his thanks and asked “How do I get back home?”

“Just click your heels together three times and say ‘There’s nothing like firing Fulmer'” the Behr replied.

Hamilton did just as he said and awoke sweating profusely on the floor of his garage and holding the phone in his hand.

He quickly places the phone to his ear and says “Behr is that you?”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been giving ideas for replacement coaches for the past 30 minutes!” a very frustrated Doug Dickey said, “Have you been huffing spray paint again?”

Quickly Hamilton hangs the phone up. He gets up dusts himself off. He feels a great weight off his mind and plans on enjoying the evening watching reruns of Laverne & Shirley.

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5 Responses to “This to shall pass AKA: Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest for a new coach”

  1. Johnny Jump-Up said

    Uhhhh. That was the Ruby Tuesday plane….dumbass.
    If you would put the UT plane tail number in the query, graduate, you would see that the plane is in Dekalb and has been there for 2 days.
    Doesn’t several unemployed coaches now live there?

  2. […] (HT YMSWWC) […]

  3. […] — General Robert Neyland. I want Fulmer at every game, on the radio, doing sports shows and lending a hand to the man Mike Hamilton selects. I know that’s a pipe dream, but it’s what I want. It’s what I need, […]

  4. “Uhhhh. That was the Ruby Tuesday plane….dumbass.
    If you would put the UT plane tail number in the query, graduate, you would see that the plane is in Dekalb and has been there for 2 days.”

    I said “Here is UT’s plane log according to this blog” meaning that according to that blog it was UT’s plane…making an example about how rumors can start. I guess that went over your head…dumbass.

  5. lawvol said

    Love it! And you are right about all the rumors. I, in my infinite wisdom, can confirm 2 rumors…

    1) Smilin’ Mike was in Raleigh on Tuesday. He was at Blinco’s Sports Bar in Raleigh schmoozing all of us members of the RDU chapter of the UTNAA — which was scheduled about a year ago.

    And, as a result of that…

    2) I am not on the list of potential candidates for the head coaching job. Came straight from his mouth.

    Take it to the bank!

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