Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

By God I would play girls soccer for this man!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 3, 2009

There’s two type of people in this world: Winners & Losers. I firmly believe a coach is coach no matter the sport. So if Bruce Pearl would have decided to leave God’s country of Knoxville for bullet hole riddled Memphis I believe I already would have found his replacement. His name is Michael Kinahan, ex-coach of the Scituate, Mass. Green Death.

Kinahan resigned as the coach of the 6- and 7-year-old girls team (not pictured) before the season even started, due to a brilliantly worded e-mail that was sent to the player’s parents as a way for them to get too know him.

Kinahan isn’t some Starbucks sipping, Lexus SUV driving parent with no love and/or knowledge of the game, this man is the fucking reincarnation of General Patton! He doesn’t believe in the modern day way of how things are done with everyone getting a trophy and fruit-rollups during timeouts. I’d play girls soccer for this man in a heartbeat and afterwards he will lead the team as we storm a local Build-A-Bear and burn it to the ground! OOH-RAH Bitches!!!

This portion of the letter which addresses the sideline behavior of the parents is possibly some of the greatest teachings known to man since the Bible was written:

It is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.”

OK on a serious note here are other excerpts of the letter please keep in mind this team is comprised of 6- and 7-year-old girls:

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me.

I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.

America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

Who’s with me? Go Green Death!”

The parents being the weak minded lemmings that they are did not buy into the coach’s philosophy and instead wined and bitched the coach into resigning.

From Kinahan’s resignation letter:

Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.”

Just think after the season was over, Coach Kinahan planned on taking the team over to Africa to fight in a guerilla war. On the bright side, he’s now in the lead for the Memphis job.

It’s a shame. Those candy-ass faggots on Team 4 would’ve never known what hit ’em. OOH-RAH!

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