Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

The question is: Will Prince approve of this new mouth guard?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 29, 2009

The next time you’re watching the Arizona Diamondbacks take a close look at Eric Byrnes while he’s in the batter’s box. You will notice that his mouth guard is well…purple. 

Bow down to the Purple Power mouth guard you peons! It was developed by a dentist in Nova Scotia. Can we really trust a foreign dentist even if it is Canada we’re talking about? This new mouth guard is also being embraced by Dustin Pedroia, Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard, among others. 

From the Arizona Republic

“I originally started wearing it because our trainers thought it could possibly help my hamstring,” the Diamondbacks outfielder said. 

Umm…I like many others who play touch football on icy soccer fields in the wintertime have pulled a hamstring and let me tell you it had nothing to do with a mouth guard. Can someone from the Diamondback management send Byrnes to an anatomy class at a local technical college? 

But the inventor of the mouth guard and mad scientist, Anil Makkar, states it’s true: 

“The jaw joint is actually the focus of power in the body because that is the most used joint in the whole body,” Makkar said. “So what we’re basically doing is trying to find the most comfortable position of that lower jaw. … It relaxes all the muscles in the face and allows you (to) use more of your upper and lower body strength.” 

I believe the testimonial by the Diamondbacks’ Mark Reynolds says it all: 

“It’s supposed to line your jaw up and help you breathe and a bunch of shit,” the third baseman said. 

You going to try it out? 

“No.” 

This will never catch on until Barney officially endorses it or until someone figures out how to put an advertisement or camera on it. Next thing you know players will be wearing oxygenated, energy necklaces or whatever the fuck those things are. 

For the record A-Rod’s been doing the homeopathic version of this for years. He just substitutes cock for a mouth guard.

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