Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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The swag that the already rich got at the ESPY Awards

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 16, 2009

In case you didn’t know the ESPYs were held last night. The reason you might not know is because it won’t air until Sunday night. That doesn’t make sense since there was NOTHING sports related that was worth watching on last night. 

Here’s an interesting rule of thumb: The more money you make the more free crap you get. Of course free crap is what brought the celebrities out to the ESPYs last night. Let’s see what free crap they got. 

  • Undefeated and EA Sports: Free duffel bags ($225 est). Thirty VIPs got a personalized, laser-engraved PlayStation 3 or PSP.
  •  iHome: Free speakers, Keyboards and wireless laser mouse ($179.99), and laptop cooling pads.
  •  Simmons Jewelry: The gold-encrusted necklace shaped like Larry Bird’s dick is my personal favorite.
  •  NameDrop.com: Free Flip cams to anyone who signs up for their new “Facebook for the glitterati.” What he fuck is a glitterati? I’m guessing it means douche bag.
  • Muze Clothing: T-shirts printed with classic movie lines. Don’t be wearing that Muze Clothing around here, or the Ninjas will get you.
  •  Skullcandy: Fashion headphones. I own a set of Skullcandy headphones I’ll admit the sound quality is awesome.
  • Wynn: VIP cards for the Vegas casino pool.  As they really need those to get in
  • Marley Coffee: Coffee beans made by the son of a reggae legend. Hopefully for their sake laced.
  • Axe:  Some guy products and body spray. That’s a body spray? I’ve been using it as pesticide. The other great irony of life is the more Body Axe I apply, the more people at work disliked me. 
  •  Sentient: Coupons for private jets. That’s just sad but Lenny Dykstra would like to know more
  • Patron: Got everyone drunk. 

Actually, the rest of the stuff they received sounds pretty worthless. It will be cluttering up mansions for years.

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2 Responses to “The swag that the already rich got at the ESPY Awards”

  1. a gonzo said

    A couple of years ago at either the Academy Awards or the Golden Globes the bags were so over the top (like over $50K per) that it got the attention of the IRS. These guys will have to pay taxes on the fair market value of the stuff or at least that’s the way I hear it.

  2. Nemo kemo said

    Even though they pay taxes, like it was said – the more you make the more you get for free. Hey the Government’s running out of money – maybe they can throw some there way.

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