Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for the ‘A&E’s Intervention’ Category

Barry, Take A Deal

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 5, 2009

barrybonds

Barry Lamar Bonds, baseball’s home run king*, is screwed. According to court documents, U.S. Attorneys have everything from positive tests for steroids to phone conversations by his equally genetically jacked up trainer Greg Anderson.

So the documents are available to the public, and as a warning, they are lengthy. Judge Susan Ilston is expected to rule on a defense motion to suppress evidence, such as the urine samples, or allow the evidence to stay when the case goes to trial next month. But in the court of public opinion, he is guilty.

But the rabbit hole goes deeper than just a few positive piss tests. Barroid also took clomid, which is a common masking agent for athletes using steroids. What is clomid you might ask??? Clomid is a female fertility drug, used to induce ovulation. Side effects (I love this part) include ovarian enlargement, breast discomfort, abnormal uterine bleeding, and multiple births. Translation: If you see this guy scratching his tit and his mid-section is bloody, we know why. I don’t even wanna know where those multiple births are gonna come out of.

barry-bonds

One of the steroids that he is accused of using is nandrolone, a common steroid. It is so common that some of the people who have failed steroid tests include C.J. Hunter (one of Marion Jones former lovers), Roger Clemens (another dumbass), UFC great Royce Gracie, Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman, and Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle, formerly of the WWE and now currently in TNA Wrestling.

Of course there is the expected testimony of former players that either played with Bonds or were also caught up in the whole BALCO scandal from the beginning. Also, there could also be the possible testimony of Kimberly Bell, former girlfriend (side action, one in the chamber, jump off, chick on the side, ace in the hole) of Bonds. She has said in the past that Bonds talked about his use of steroids, including seeing him inject himself. Oh, for you 3 pervs reading this, she posed for Playboy. You can see the censored pics here. In that Playboy article, she also talked about his inability to “get it up”. I guess Clomid & Cialis doesn’t mix well. Too bad, because I would like to see Barry throw a football through a tire like the commercial.

kimberly-bell-will-be-in-playboy

I know that he is proud. It is that pride that got him in this mess. It is pure vanity that caused him to stick that syringe in his ass. He was a great player before all of this. Pride got the best of him. He better take a deal now, because he has been out of the hood too long. Once he gets behind bars, one drop of the soap and he will get his first prison style prostate exam…

Advertisements

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Barry Bonds, baseball, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, MLB, MLBPA, MMA, UFC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Glocks & Athletes Are Not A Good Combination

Posted by Joel Jackson on December 1, 2008

I was well prepared to talk about Tennessee hiring Lane Kiffin and what I thought of it. I along with millions of other Volunteer fans have my opinion, but I want to spend this time to talk about a troubling trend the past, oh, 14 years or so. I am about to do my best Jason Whitlock impersonation, except I am not as big, well-known, or paid.

I have known and/or met quite a few pro athletes in my day. By and large, the ones that I have met are down to earth guys, trying to improve themselves in the sport that they play. They are trying to improve themselves so they can improve their bank accounts. For the athletes that have come from little to nothing growing up, they try to help out family and friends along their journey to fame and fortune. This cycle can lead to problems.

To the athletes reading this blog, please do the following couple of things for me:

*Leave the guns at home…

I am watching the Redskins vs. Giants game. Ironic because on this day, where the Redskins are honoring fallen teammate Sean Taylor, who was murdered in his home a year ago, Plaxico Burress is facing weapons charges because he decided to go “Cheddar Bob” on his thigh while carrying a handgun illegally (or he wanted to be on the next diss record of Eminem, 50 Cent, and Busta Rhymes). If the club was such a bad place to be, then why go??? He’s married (to a lawyer) and has a young son. Why put yourself through now facing jail time over seeing some ass shaking at the club, and get teammate Antonio Pierce involved??? Stephen Jackson, Jamaal Tinsley, and Marvin Harrison would agree. If you are about to go somewhere and you think that you need a gun, then don’t go. If I need a gun to go to my local Quickie Mart for a chocolate squishy, then I won’t be seeing Apu that night. Which leads me to the next point…

*Do not own more than 3 guns…

A wise man once told me that if you are gonna own a gun for home protection, get 3. One should be a handgun that you can grab quickly (Glock), one should be a rifle or shotgun, and one should be a small pistol that your woman could shoot in a pinch (.22 or .38). Whether this is wise or not, I think this is sound advice. In other words, do not be Tank Johnson. And if you wanna be a rapper, PLEASE do not be T.I.

ti_gun_collection_101707

*Last, everyone is not out to get you…

Unless you allow yourself to be associated with bad people, not everyone is out to get you. Yes, crime is everywhere, and what happened to Sean Taylor was a tragedy not of his doing, but of 4 kids who wanted to take a short cut at getting ahead. At the same time, you athletes for the most part have more money than I will ever see. Use some of that to invest in a security company and let bodyguards carry the weapons. Because if you pull a Plax and not have that concealed handgun license, you could shoot yourself at 3 a.m., or face jail time. And please don’t rob any convenience stores…

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Adam Jones, armed robbery, Assault & Battery, Bail Bondsman, basketball, Brawls, Chicago Bears, classless, court tv, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, dumbass, ESPN, FBI, Feds, Fines, football, Goodell, guilty, Jemele Hill, New York Giants, NFL, NFL Football, NRA, Police, Sports, Washington Redskins | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

A Peek Inside of Billy Clyde’s World

Posted by Joel Jackson on November 17, 2008

Inside the Kentucky Wildcat Locker Room After Friday’s Loss To VMI

43870669_c_arkansas_v_kentucky

Wow!!! You fucktards really did it now. I cannot believe it. You are not about to embarrass me again. Wait, too late. You guys are really a group of fine individuals. 2 years in a row. I go to Sew Fine Tailors on Euclid Avenue & tell them to hook me up with the finest suit they have, so ol’ Billy Clyde can look sharp as a tack on opening night, and this is how you sissy merries repay me??? Jeremy, bring me my special Gardner-Webb flask…

flask-gascan

(Billy Clyde takes a swig)

You 22 mother fuckers are making me the fucking laughingstock of college basketball. You hear that??? That is ol’ Billy Donovon laughing his ass off. He turned down this job because their wasn’t enough hair gel in this barren wasteland of a state to last a year. He’s got his own personal Soul Glo guy just to style his hair. But not ol’ Billy Clyde. I don’t need gallons of Royal Crown Pomade in my contract. All I need is some of that Kentucky bourbon and some hot poon. Glynn, show these boys the action I got lined up after I leave here. Where’s that fancy iPhone??? Pass it around the locker room and show these sorry ass losers what they almost ruined for Billy Clyde.

l_a931d28b26c340b56edb98054cf9b6c9

This here is Becky. She is a Miller Lite girl. Now I don’t waste time on beer because it gets in the way. Now you boys might think ol’ Billy Clyde would be in hog heaven, with a hot piece of tail & massive quantities of beer. But that is why you boys are losers. You don’t think. See, ol’ Billy Clyde is warming up.

(Takes 3 more huge swigs out of G-W gas can flask)

Billy Clyde wants it all. That white suit wearing asshole in Louisville is laughing his ass off at ol’ Billy Clyde. I want it all. That piss ant is getting all the glory in this state. I want one of those fancy banners in the rooftops too, so I can use it as a blanket when I am bedding trim in my off time. Tracy, I need 3 tonight.

tn_picture-060

Damn Tracy, times must be hard. The economy is in the tank but I get a 4, 7, and 5??? I thought this was Lexington, not Morgantown??? What about the douchebag guys in the background??? Oh well. Bring them too. First time for everything, like you dipshits losing to a 6 win team. See boys, this is how ol’ Billy Clyde is rolling tonight, since you just ruined my season. Thanks. Career high my ass. There’s a reason I left College Station. That cow town had 3 hot chicks, and all of them were horrible in bed. If you are ever driving through Texas & wanna find College Station, let ol’ Billy Clyde tell you how to find it. You will know you are getting close when you start seeing the sheep back ass up to the fences.

Well, you sorry sacks of shit are excused. I will deal with you tomorrow after I give this poon some of Big Billy Clyde. Towelboy, I am taking some towels home. Gonna need that flask too.

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Adolph Rupp, Billy Clyde, Billy Donovan, Billy Gillispie, College Basketball, Condoms, Dead Drunk, Douche Bag, drunk, DUI, gardner webb, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA, SEC, SEC Coaches, Sports, Texas A&M, whiners | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Matt Jones was just “Holding” the Drugs…(Yeah…Right…Sure)

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 16, 2008

On advice from some snot-nosed attorney, Jaguars wide receiver & former Arkansas QB, Matt Jones isn’t squealing like a razorback about being charged with felony possession of cocaine.

However his pappy, Steve Jones, eager to get on TV issued a statement to KNWA-TV in Fayetteville, Ark., stating his coked up dumbass son is denying that the drugs belonged to him that ultimately led to his arrest and thus me mocking him.

“Matt is anxious to make a statement and wants to make a statement,” said the statement issued to the television station. “His attorney has advised him to not say anything until they have had a chance to speak together. They will release a statement at the appropriate time.

“We want to make it clear that Matt was not in possession of any drugs,” the statement continued, “but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt. He does not claim any responsibility for the drugs.”

You tell’em pops! Of course by that logic there must have thousands maybe even millions of people falsely arrested and prosecuted for drug possession.

But…for some reason the police report seems to tell a different story and really helps to that theory out of the water.

Jones was spotted in the backseat of a Toyota 4Runner when an officer on foot patrol saw him with a “white powdery substance and in his hand, a credit card that he was using to chop up and scrape the powder.”

When asked by the officer if the powder was cocaine, Jones said, “Yes.”

You know that’s an old SEC football player pastime. Getting stopped by the Po Po and admitting that the drugs that were found were yours and then deny it in the media. South Carolina players do it all the time.

What would have made this story perfect is if the police officer embellished the report a little by saying “then Jones took a big snort of said power and uttered ‘My God I can’t feel my face.'”

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Arkansas Razorbacks, Crime & Punishment, drugs, dumbass, jacksonville jaguars, Matt Jones, NFL, SEC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Heaven Help Britton Colquitt

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 8, 2008

The last time I wrote about Britton Colquitt people said I was harsh. I still stand by what I wrote today however Colquitt is claiming to have learned his lesson with some help of course.

The DUI arrest that occurred in February cost him his football scholarship, a five-game suspension and was an embarrassment to his family and to the University of Tennessee.

Britton says he will change a thing.

“God’s teaching me a big lesson, what to prioritize in my life, and I’ve leaned a lot from this,” Colquitt said Monday after pleading guilty to DUI in Sessions Court.

“I wouldn’t go back and change it if I could. It’s made me somebody I need to be in the future.”

Not to sound too cynical here but nothing helps people find God like the criminal justice system. I just can’t stand people claiming they have found God, or were given a message from God, or anything religious without something to back up that claim.

Way too many times, people have said that God gave them a lesson, saved them, and changed them, etc…..then a year later something else happens.

I would rather Colquitt (or anyone else) go 10 years without an incident…..then point to the period of time where they were changed by the influence of God.

I just would like some action before claims of being touched by God. There are too many people giving glory to god…..without giving glory to god if that makes any sense.

I’m also tired of people referring to arrests as “mistakes”.

At the same time I recognize that sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can start your way back up and yes there’s a real possibility he is sincere in his words at least I hope he is.

The charge was amended to first-offense DUI and Colquitt received the standard penalty:

A suspended sentence of 11 months, 29 days; suspended driver’s license for one year; $350 fine and court costs; 24-hour detention and 24-hour litter pickup; attend DUI school.

“I’ve been through a lot because of myself, the actions I’ve made and the decisions I’ve made,” Colquitt said. “I just wanted to get it over with and take my punishment and not try to fight it.

“Just learn from my mistakes, move on and make me a better person.”

Factoring in a series of alcohol-related incidents in September 2003 when Colquitt was an incoming freshman, Coach Fulmer revoked Colquitt’s scholarship and suspended him the first five games of the 2008 season.

He will suit up starting with the Oct. 11 game at Georgia.

“It’s tough,” Colquitt said. “You realize what you’re missing.

“I know when the season comes around and I’m having to watch five games, I’ll really appreciate those last seven. Just being able to take the field will be a lot more of an honor. I took it for granted before.”

“I kind of got lost again in my ways, in the things I was focusing on in my life,” he said, “and it led me back into kind of the same thing.”

Colquitt requested Monday to report Friday morning to serve the remainder of his 24-hour detention. He is credited with 10 hours following his arrest.

He returns to Sessions Court on Aug. 11 to check progress on his probation.

I still feel that he should not be allowed on the team. Too many young men sacrifice so much of their lives to be a part of such a proud tradition. He does not deserve to wear the uniform.

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Big Orange, Britton Colquitt, drunk, DUI, Go Vols, God, Rocky Top, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Lance Armstrong has the Power to Turn You into a Crack Addict

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 20, 2008

Everyone knows the accomplishments of Lance Armstrong.

  • Testicular cancer survivor, a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs in 1996
  • Won the Tour de France seven consecutive times, from 1999 to 2005
  • The most hated man in France
  • Porked singer Sheryl Crow
  • Founder of Lance Armstrong Foundation
  • Currently porking Kate Hudson

Let’s add another accomplishment to the list. Armstrong is the reason “Chad” is a crack addict at least that’s the excuse he used on A&E’s Intervention.

One former teammate claims: Lance Armstrong was already a big star at that point. I think a lot of the young riders that were there were in awe of somebody like that. Chad wasn’t necessarily somebody in awe of anything.”

Some other former douche bag teammate: “Chad walked up to Lance and called him a ‘doughboy’ and pushed his belly in and Lance got really upset.”

Chad our heroic crack head: “Needless to say, the next morning I was asked to leave the Olympic Training Center.”

I’m glad there’s no such thing as personal responsibility anymore. Life’s unfair and it’s all Armstrong’s fault. Never mind the fact the guy poked Armstrong and called him a ‘doughboy’ it’s Armstrong’s fault that Chad is such a pompous asshole as well.

Does this mean the yellow Livestrong bracelet is now considered drug paraphernalia? “Chad” might be on to something here. My life sucks and I’ve turned to drugs to cope with it (caffeine & the new dark chocolate M&Ms) it must be Lance’s fault!! That bastard!

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Crack, drugs, Lance Armstrong, Livestrong | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »