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Archive for the ‘bad drivers’ Category

Arkansas Wide Receiver Marques Wade smokes the ganja but still gets the DUI

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 28, 2008

Ok here’s the scenario. You’re Marques Wade a wide receiver for the Arkansas Razorbacks. You’ve just been pulled over for speeding through a parking and nearly hitting a fellow pig the Po Po. When the police ask why you have bloodshot eyes and have you been drinking do you:

A.     Lie and say no

B.     Lie but say admit to smoking a fat blunt

C.     Start sending indecent text messages to Houston Nutt

If you said “B” then you’re correct and win a lifetime supply of Petrino-A-Roni. Which knowing Petrino the way we do a lifetime supply is actually something like 2 months.

Now Marques Wade was released from Washington County jail early Sunday morning after posting an $880 bond. His breathalyzer test showed Wade had a blood-alcohol level of 0.11. Arkansas’ legal limit is 0.08. Oh yeah he did tell the Po Po he was not drunk but high instead.

I believe he was the visitor sitting next to me at our last local Mensa meeting. Not sure…..

Why wasn’t he tooling around on a moped like some other Arkansas players? Finally why didn’t he be cool and break out the police car windows? Is that a Vanderbilt thing?

A university spokesman said Petrino was “very upset” & that the matter “will be dealt with.”

Maybe Petrino should make him write “Alcohol isn’t as bad as drugs and I’m stupid” about 1000 times.


Posted in Arkansas Razorbacks, bad drivers, drugs, DUI, SEC, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Wanna Be An NBA Player??? Here Is NOT Where To Play

Posted by Joel Jackson on June 27, 2008

I finally get some time to put up a post and it just so happens to be right after the 1st round of the NBA Draft . Then something came over me: Our favorite overrated, elitist, ass backwards, and drunken coached team from the SEC didn’t have a player drafted in the 1st round. This makes the second year in a row that a Kentucky player was not drafted in the 1st round, and continues the 11 year streak since a Wildcat player was picked in the lottery.

Oh don’t worry Wildcat fan. I know where to place the blame. It was “10 Loss” Tubby’s fault. He was too busy making sure he ran a clean program, free of racism (unlike the arena named after the “great” Rupp), and made sure that he didn’t hit the Wild Turkey bottle and try to drive home from the bar. He just simply didn’t have time to recruit players who would be developed into NBA talent.

Leave it to Billy Clyde Gilispie to recruit like a mother. He has already scored top 10 talent of all ages. He will take Kentucky back to single digit losses in just a few short years, as soon as his 8th grade recruits start arriving to Lexington. Too bad he said he was gonna stop recruiting young kids. Rumor is that he had planned to recruit Chicago next week while school is out for the summer. R. Kelly was gonna show him where all the hot spots were to get top talent, before Mr. Kelly got some talent of his own. Of course, knowing Billy Clyde’s track record, he’ll be gone quicker than you can say “Nick Saban”. It’s all good anyway, the best coach in the state left you back in the 90’s and now coaches your in-state rival.

So, for all of the Derrick Jasper’s, Scotty Hopson’s, and (insert latest player’s name to leave the Kentucky program here) of the world, things will be ok. You will make it to the NBA Draft Lottery, because you never put on the Wildcat uniform.

Let’s hear Tim Brando spin another year of Kentucky mediocrity…

Posted in Adolph Rupp, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, bad drivers, basketball, Billy Clyde, Billy Gillispie, boosters, cat killer, College Basketball, Cry Baby, Dead Drunk, draft pick, drunk, DUI, ESPN, Evil Empire, Kentucky Wildcats, Liar, Louisville, Louisville Cardinals, NBA, NCAA, satire, SEC, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Sports | Tagged: , , , | 110 Comments »

There’s More To This Big 10 Team Than Wheat & Crappy Football

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 26, 2008

Well now that I have a chance to write, after travelling for the job, missing the game of the year because I was on a plane (UT v. Memphis), and being depressed about losing to a talented Tennessee basketball team, I get to now focus my attention to college football players and programs out of control. I know, you’re probably thinking Alabama, Tennessee, Florida, South Carolina, Florida State, or even Penn State. But just as quietly as they have sucked the last couple of years on the field, this Big 10 team has proven that even they are not too slow for the police blotter off of the field…


The University of Iowa Hawkeyes have had 14 player arrests in the past calendar year. This hawk has been flying off of the radar, just like their past football season. The latest arrest happened this past week, as WR James Cleveland and backup QB Arvell Nelson was arrested. Cleveland was busted for, get this, 21 pills of oxycodone and 24 doses of cardisoprodol, a drug to relax muscles. The drugs had no label and no prescription. Nelson was arrested because he had weed (aka Gainesville’s finest or Knoxville Recruiting Tool) sitting on his desk in plain view. I wonder if Nelson is an Ag-Science Major…

Well the school has had players arrested for the following: several drunken driving arrests, credit card fraud (also known as the Gottlieb), taking DVD’s from Wal-Mart (hopefully not the $1 bin DVD’s), sexual assault, and the ever popular failure to appear. Wow. Jai Eugene over at Losers With Socks wrote about the trend of Alabama having “16”, but give these guys a little time and they should beat that record easily. Fulmer Cup my ass.

I guess instead of having pink locker rooms at Kinnick Stadium, they might paint the dorm rooms pink…


This is NOT a Photoshop btw…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, bad drivers, Bammers, BCS, big 10, big ten, big ten football, bongs, boosters, cheaters, College Football, Crime & Punishment, drugs, DUI, dumbass, ESPN, Florida Gators, football, Football Poll, Iowa Hawkeyes, stupid, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, UT vols | 1 Comment »

West Virginia Is Trying To Imitate An SEC School…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 7, 2008

Ah yes West By God Virginia. Apparently, if making the news for fake degrees, suing former football coaches, and, well, being West Virginia was not enough, now the football players are trying to imitate an SEC team. Which SEC team??? I will get to that in a minute…

New Mountaineer coach Bill Stewart has recently announced that LB John Holmes (insert porn joke here), DL James Ingram (no relation to soul singer of the same name), and RB Ed Collington (I got nothing here) are no longer on the team. They will be able to retain their scholarships through the end of the spring semester. These 3 geniuses were pulled over for speeding. When the police opened the car, they detected the smell of the “stickiest of the icky” commonly called in Gainesville Gunja-Aid or in Knoxville known as a Recruiting Tool (which obviously didn’t work due to the crappy signing class). Upon searching the vehicle, baggies of the “green stuff” were found both in the car and in Ingram’s shoe. Wait, it gets better: Ingram told the cops that more weed was located in their apartment. Try not to shake your head so hard.

So of course, thanks to a helpful hint from Deputy Barney Fife, the cops search the apartment and found a lot more drugs and bags. Now, because McGruff the Crime ‘Eer told the cops about the extra weed and baggies, they are facing several more felony charges than they would have been if he had just kept his mouth shut. Either he had a moment of clarity because he knew he was doing wrong, or that weed was so good that he just had to tell the cops in hopes they would buy some. Of course, I wonder where that weed will end up once the trial is over with. Someone should have told these 3 that couches are the thing to burn in Morgantown, not blunts…

Now I know which SEC team that WVU reminds me of, and honestly it only took a few seconds of reflection because well, this is West Virginia we are talking about. The school is Thomas’ favorite whipping boy, the University of South Carolina. Let’s examine a little further. Both the Mountaineers and the Gamecocks have losing all-time bowl records, neither school has won a national championship in football but their in-state rivals (Marshall and Clemson) both have national titles, both fanbases have an over inflated sense of entitlement, and both have had players that have done some of the most head scratching things to get in trouble with the cops that you can think of.

So there you have it. The Mountaineers and the Gamecocks are now 2 kindred spirits. West Virginia can say with pride that even though their athletics department is slightly more organized than Iraq circa 2003, they can say with pride that they are almost at an SEC level. Nothing will stop the ‘Eer and ‘Cock Connection from years of mediocrity and no glory to speak of. Long live ‘Eer and ‘Cock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted in ass chewing, bad drivers, BCS, Big East, bongs, classless, clemson, Clemson Tigers, Coach Rich Rodriguez, College Football, court tv, Crime & Punishment, Dave Wannstedt, Discipline, drugs, dumbass, Gamecocks, guilty, legal troubles, Major Harris, Marijuana, mary jane, moral victories, moron, mullets, NCAA, Old Ball Sack Coach, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Police, pot, road rage, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Football, South Carolina, South Carolina Gamecocks, stupid, team spirit, USC, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, WVU | 9 Comments »

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Posted by Joel Jackson on January 29, 2008


Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, armed robbery, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Auburn, bad calls, bad drivers, bad newz kennels, Bammers, baseball, basketball, BCS, bongs, boo birds, boosters, cheaters, classless, College Basketball, College Football, conVick, court tv, crazy, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, DAvid Stern, Dawgs, Dead Drunk, Discipline, divorce court, dog fighting, drugs, DUI, dumbass, Ed Orgeron, ESPN, FBI, Feds, Fines, fired, Florida, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, football, FSU, Fulmer, gambling, Gamecocks, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Georgia, Georgia Bulldogs, Go Vols, God, Goodell, guilty, Herban, Herban Meyer, ho, hooker, Houston Nutt, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, Johnnie Cochran, Judge Judy, killer, Kobe, legal troubles, Little Bitch, LSU Tigers, Major League Baseball, marcus vick, Marijuana, mary jane, Michael Vick, michael vick pleads guilty, mississippi state bulldogs, Mitchell Report, MLB, mobsters, moron, murderer, NBA, NCAA, New York Knicks, NFL, NFL Football, nickelback sucks, notre dame sucks, NRA, NWA, OJ, OJ Simpson, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, oliver stone, ookie, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Phillip Fulmer, pimps, pitbull, Po Po, Police, pot, Prison for Vick, refs, repo, Ricky Williams, riots, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, secrets, Sports, Stephon Marbury, steroids, stupid, taser, taxes, team spirit, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, The Juice, Touchdown Jesus, trader, trailer trash, ugly wives, upsets, Vick, Vick Plea, VIP Connection, vols, walk-on, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, whore, WVU, zeke | 1 Comment »

Oregon State Meets Gay Ram (Revisited)

Posted by Joel Jackson on November 14, 2007


While talking to some of my friends over the weekend, one of whom is an Oregon St. alum, we were busting each other’s chops when one of them reminded our buddy about the time a couple of years ago when a Beaver football player was arrested on DUI and stole a gay ram. After laughing hysterically, I decided to revisit this story. Some of you may or may not have heard about this, but laugh anyway.

OSU defensive tackle Ben Siegert was arrested on March 13, 2005 on DUI charges. Apparently Siegert and two of his buddies were riding around and, fortunately, an officer saw something that prompted a pullover. Siegert registered a blood alcohol level of .14, higher than the .08 legal limit in Oregon. The officer then noticed that in the back of the player’s pickup, there was a ram. Apparently Siegert stole the ram from the school’s Sheep Center. At the time, Oregon State’s Sheep Center was doing a study of gay rams. No, that is not a typo. Out of all of the rams that were there, guess which one that the defensive tackle stole??? According to the (Corvallis) Gazette-Times Siegert said that he had nothing to do with the 200 lb. ram, saying “I don’t know anything about that. I’m from a city. I don’t know anything about sheep.” Eventually, Siegert agreed to a plea deal which included probation and paying some money. Siegert recently signed with the Spokane Shock of the AF2.

A gay ram huh??? How does one figure out that a ram is gay??? Do they put two rams and a sheep in a room and observe which one the ram goes after??? Do they ask the ram if he’s a “Ram Man” or “Sheep Man”??? Why is there a study on the sexual tendency of rams??? Do the St. Louis Rams need to distinguish themselves as “Real Rams”??? Why was Siegert stealing a gay ram and what was he gonna do with it???

Out of all the things that this guy stole, he stole a ram. College football players have stolen things like textbooks (Alabama), laptops (South Carolina), clothes (Florida State), or even marijuana (Miami). He completely embarrasses himself and the university by #1 Driving drunk and only being 20 at the time and #2 Getting caught with a gay ram.

As my friend Greg, an Oregon alum, said, “How do you know when you’re getting close to Corvallis??? When you start to see the sheep backing up to the fence”…

Posted in alcoholics, bad drivers, classless, College Football, Crime & Punishment, DUI, football, guilty, Oregon State Beavers, Pac 10, satire, scandal, Sports | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Joe Pa Denies Road Rage, It was More Like Road Annoyance on His Part

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 12, 2007

Joe Paterno the man, the myth, the living legend denies any involvement in a road rage incident that occurred last week. Sure he’s at least 80 and sure he initiated the whole thing, but he’s Joe Pa and no damn state official in Pennsylvania will take his driving privileges away, unless they want someone else to coach a sub-par Penn State team.

“An exchange of words with another motorist on a campus road was blown out of proportion by Internet-fueled rumors and media speculation, Penn State coach Joe Paterno said Thursday night.

The motorist complained to university police about Paterno’s conduct after the Oct. 5 incident. No charges were filed.

Paterno, on his weekly radio show Thursday night, said the incident happened after he noticed a car had driven through a stop sign.”

In all seriousness I have a lot of respect for Joe Pa, but has anyone noticed those coke bottle glasses he wears? The lens has to be thicker than the Hubble telescope. I bet driving behind him is like driving behind most old people, the speed limit is 55 & they will not dare go over 30, even on the freeway.

“Later, when the person stopped, “I blew my horn at the person. … Then I pulled up beside her because there was nothing coming the other way,” Paterno told listeners. “I pointed my finger at her … and I said, ‘Boy, you went through that sign.'”

Paterno said he told the driver, “‘Don’t do that again, because I took your license number.’ And I really hadn’t taken her license number. All of a sudden, somebody knocks on my window. I put the window down, and he says, ‘That’s my wife.'”

Paterno said he responded to the driver’s husband, “Boy, that’s your problem” — though he later regretted saying that.

Paterno said he addresses safety issues with students when he sees a concern on campus.”

Finger at her and said boy….try saying ma’am it sounds politer and less confrontational. The line about telling the guy “that’s his problem” regarding his wife is gold. On the other hand Joe Pa is lucky he wasn’t taken from the car and beaten like the way a sorry Michigan team beat Penn State this year. People are crazy nowadays, it’s best too learn to mind your own business.

“He said he was angered by rumors — which first surfaced on Internet message boards — calling the incident “road rage” or saying that he used profanity.

“I really resent the whole thing. I don’t even know the names of the people who accused me of it,” Paterno said on the radio show.

He also said he was angry with some recent print and broadcast media reports about the incident.

“Very, very resentful of the media who are out in left field, because it’s not fair,” he said. “I’m not the greatest guy in the world. I make a lot of mistakes, and they want to second-guess my coaching. But gee, when I was doing what I thought was helpful. … Now it’s a national event.”

Aww it’s not fair…boo hoo. The lack of discipline in your program isn’t fair to the boosters, you don’t hear them whining. Notice his line about second guessing his coaching? I have a feeling that’s what he’s really mad about. It’s national event Joe Pa because this week has been really slow story wise. Almost 6 days since a Gator has been arrested. Wow! Of course the Penn State players are taking up some slack, but they’re arrested for minor things, your team needs to get some balls have one of the players go rob someone for a change.

“According to a police log reviewed by The Associated Press, a staff member reported just after noon Oct. 5 that “a male driver committed a traffic violation and acted in a disorderly manner.” University police do not release names in cases in which no charges are filed.”

No they didn’t release the names to protect Joe Pa, let’s be honest about it.

Penn State vice president Bill Mahon told the AP earlier this week that the chief of police, Steve Shelow, had told him that the case was closed and that no citations were issued.

“We talked to both drivers. We weren’t able to see anything that met a traffic citation or criminal citation,” assistant police chief Tyrone Parham said Thursday, without confirming the identity of the driver who was the target of the complaint.”

If you talked to both drivers then you should have notes on that which would mean you have their names. Unless you’re calling Joe Pa a liar since nothing met a traffic or criminal citation.

“During a news conference earlier this week, Paterno grew agitated with questions about off-the-field problems surrounding his team. A reporter asked Paterno to comment on speculation the coach himself “might have been involved in something,” to which Paterno replied, “Come on, let’s go.”

The traffic incident occurred the same day that Paterno suspended tailback Austin Scott for violating an undisclosed team rule.”

Forget it I’m not retiring yet.

See it all makes sense now. Joe Pa was pissed about Scott, got into his death machine of rage, a 77 Buick, and the road rage took over. I would be upset knowing the only reason I’m still coaching at 80 something is hoping Bobby Bowden retires soon, which isn’t going to happen. I think the AARP needs to step in and have him removed from his coaching job.

I know there are some Penn State fans reading this. Remember this is sarcasm, I like Joe Pa. He’s an institution even he does suffer from road rage time to time.

So I profess on this day 10/12/07.


Posted in bad drivers, big 10, big ten football, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, Penn State, Penn State Nittany Lions, road rage | 4 Comments »