Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for the ‘Crazy Women’ Category

Dirk’s girlfriend speaks from jail

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 20, 2009

Cristal Taylor, the hideous girlfriend of Dirk Nowitzki, has spoken from jail in an interview with the Dallas Morning News. Apparently Dirk hasn’t called her or sent a file smuggled in a cake and you she is preggers. 

“I’ve known Dirk for seven years – and, no, I didn’t tell him everything about my past because I was afraid,” Taylor said during a series of phone calls in which she sobbed frequently. “But, I mean, now I’m pregnant and alone and broke because he is my only source of income.” 

Yeah, I know my heart freaking bleeds for her. *Sarcasm* 

Unfortunately despite the Patriot Act, privacy laws prevent anyone from verifying the pregnancy claim. 

“I’m actually hoping that Dirk will step forward and help, once he reads the article,” she said, adding that Nowitzki has not contacted her, directly or indirectly, since her arrest. Nor was he present for her two court appearances in Beaumont

Taylor was asked why she hasn’t tried to contact Nowitzki or Mavericks officials. She said that after she was initially taken to Dallas County Jail, she realized Nowitzki had changed his phone numbers. 

“Not only that, but they [the Mavericks] pretty much told him, after you guys put out all that crap on me, to just wash his hands of me – and I think he pretty much did,” she said. 

One of the things Taylor stands accused of is defrauding a dentist out of $10,000 in dental work. She also wants everyone to know that she never was a stripper but instead worked as a waitress in a strip club. Only waitresses have good teeth everyone knows that.

Posted in Crazy Women, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

Michael Phelps, three-way sex, chewing tobacco and you

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 12, 2009

Say what you will about the UK’s News Of The World but remember that they were the ones that first published the photo of Michael Phelps sucking on a long bong. Well they’re at it again with a shocking interview of a Baltimore “dancer” who claims to know Phelps better than most people. Since when did whores start talking to the media?  Society is going to hell in a hand basket. 

While some may say that this is sensational journalism she was interview while wearing a pink teddy so she has to be creditable. During the interview she “bares” all that she knows about Phelps. (Warning NSFW) Theresa White states she met Phelps at a club where she is employed as an exotic dancer and he invited her and some friends back to his house for drinks and online poker. She claims that eventually a three hour ménage a trios began. She never answered the question, “Who enjoyed the double penetration more?” 

According to Theresa, Phelps: 

  • Still is a dope head
  • Wants to be a professional poker player
  • Is an emotional mess and cries like a baby
  • Blows all his money on booze and doesn’t tip well
  • Is paranoid about cell phone cameras (Well duh!)
  • Big mommas boy
  • Chews tobacco on an consistent basis and keeps full spittoons around the house (And if anyone would be put off by the unprofessionalism of spitting, it’s her.) 

Regardless of all these less than endearing qualities, Theresa claims she wouldn’t mind remaining “friend with benefits” with Phelps. I’m sure this interview will help keep that dream alive. Who says this guy isn’t a good role model? This is exactly what I want my future son to be doing when he gets to be around Phelps’ age.

Posted in Crazy Women, Cry Baby, Michael Phelps, Sex, Strippers | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Kimber Kennedy must prove her loss of consortium

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 12, 2009

con·sor·tium (kən sôrtē əm; -sôrs̸hē əm, -s̸həm)

noun pl. -·tia—ə

  1. a partnership or association; specif.,
    1. a temporary alliance of two or more business firms in a common venture
    2. an international banking agreement or association
  2. Law the companionship and support provided by marriage, including the right of each spouse to receive this from the other

Now that you know what the definition of consortium is let’s hope Kimber Kennedy knows as well and has the ability to prove it. But first a recap.

On December 18th of last year Ole Miss head Basketball Coach Andy Kennedy was arrested for alledgidy assaulting a Cincinnati taxi driver. A video of the inicedent has been released in which Kennedy attempts to bring the United Nations into the matter by telling the police officier that this could be an “international inident.” The exchange during the arrest prompted the greatest line ever spoken by a Cinncinati police officer ever.

“You think we’ve never arrested somebody that’s made national media? … We deal with the Bengals all the time.”

Shortly thereafter Kimber Kennedy, Andy’s spouse, filed a lawsuit against the taxi driver and his witness claiming the this whole mess has been so stressful that Andy can not perform his husbandly duties. Meaning Andy just can’t take it to the hole anymore.

Now according the attorneys of the taxi driver, Kimber must prove the “loss of consortium” claim.

“Kennedy amended his civil suit against them when his wife said she deserved damages from the cabbie and valet because the incident had caused the couple a “loss of consortium” and damaged their marriage. But if Kennedy and his wife contend his December assault arrest ruined their personal life, they’re going to have to prove it with medical documents, say attorneys for the cab driver.”

No I’m not a doctor but I play one on this blog so at the risk of offending some readers out there, I’ll volunteer to help Kimber get her groove back. I can hop in my car and be there in a matter of hours. Hold on, Kimber. Eventually, I’ll be coming.

I truly wish I could there for this trial, I can see the entered evidene now:

  • Exhibit A: A receipt for 50 AA batteries and a ‘muscle massager.’
  • Exhibit B: Kimber rips open her blouse and shouts “Your honor, THESE have not been sucked since the incident!”
  • Exhibit C: A video of the couple NOT having sex

Unfortunately I can’t help but believe that there will be a legal document in the future containing the words “forceps”, “knock”, and “dust off”. I’m betting Kimber is hoping for a stiff penalty to be handed out for this crime.

I bet this suit is doing wonders for recruiting.

Posted in Andy Kennedy, Cincinnati, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Kimber Kennedy, Lawsuit, ole miss rebels, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Would Jesus score 100 points on a team of “challenged” high school girls?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 23, 2009

There might be something seriously wrong with that one girl's leg.

Imagine you are a coach of a Christian School’s girl’s basketball team and the team you coach is about to play, is a team of girls that all have a learning disability of some sort; would you allow your team to score 100 points? What would Jesus do?

Would Jesus make sure the final score was 100-0? Yeah, I’m serious 100-0.

CRAP! I had Dallas Academy and 99 points.

The game in question apparently took place on 01/13/09 between The Covenant School & Dallas Academy. The final score was indeed 100-0 in favor of The Covenant School leaving Dallas Academy to withdraw from league play for the rest of the season.

“We just said, ‘The hell with it,’ ” said Jim Richardson, Dallas Academy‘s headmaster.

No offense to anyone here but…is that the lesson you want to teach the players? The lesson being we got out asses kicked so we quit. I don’t think so.

Texas executes people for less than this, right? The Dallas Academy gals should get to stone Coach Grimes but, of course, they would miss.

Of The Covenant School has offered an apology…sort of.

In a brief e-mail statement Wednesday evening, Covenant coach Micah Grimes called his team’s 100-point total “unfortunate.”

“It just happened, and we are not happy about that,” Grimes wrote. “Please know Covenant intended no harm against them. I see this as a real learning opportunity, so we can prevent this from happening in the future.”

How are you going to prevent it from happening again? By only scoring 99 points? Seriously this is that opportunity: []

I’m having a problem here. Even though the Dallas Academy team is a couple midgets and one Dennis Rodman away from total irrelevance, does that mean that they should be shown mercy? And is it fair to a better team not to play to their full potential?

Again what would Jesus do?

Come on The Covenant School they’re only young girls and just because they’ve shown an interest in sports, there’s no need to call them the Lady Bulldyk – Bulldogs. Oh, I am terribly sorry.

Fortunately the headmaster of Dallas Academy has re-thought things and scheduled some games that are out of the league they just quit.

In what might be a classic rivalry brewing Dallas Academy played Cambridge School of Dallas. The bulldogs of Dallas Academy sadly lost with a final score of 41-8.

Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any worse, they go and do something like this…and totally redeem themselves!

Normally I relish in the destruction of lesser talent but this is a school for girls with learning disabilities, or ‘tardation as it’s called in these parts. Grimey probably didn’t need to play the starters the entire game but I wouldn’t crucify them for it either.

But what do you think? If you were the coach of The Covenant would you tell your players not to play their best?

Comment and let me know.

Posted in Blowout, Crazy Women, Dallas, High School Basketball, Jesus | Tagged: , , , , | 11 Comments »

I’m betting Tim Tebow is not aroused

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 15, 2009

Nothing says Florida Football like jorts, sticky icky weed, guns and an in-home pole dance. I haven’t seen a Pole handled so expertly since the September Campaign however maybe next time she can wash her feet before filming begins. Like Tebow, she’ll never make it at the next level.

The more pressing question here is: how easy is it to get a stripper pole installed in a one-bedroom studio apartment, and how much will it cost?

Posted in Crazy Women, Florida Gators, Gator Bait Babe, jorts, Role Model, SEC Football, Strippers, Tim Tebow | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

This radio announcer knows how to party

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 14, 2009


Meet Ed Podolak. He is a former Iowa Hawkeye quarterback and running back and a member of the Kansas City Chiefs’ Hall of Fame. Ed has been apart of the Iowa radio broadcast team since 1982.

When the Hawkeyes went to the Outback Bowl to literally ass-rape the South Carolina Gamecocks, Ed decided he was going to party like it was 1999 (Not bad for someone who is 62). As a result some photos of Ed mysteriously (as always) got taken and published on this little thing we refer to as the internet.

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta, was none to happy about this.

“I have had a chance to see them and I am deeply disappointed,” Barta said in a prepared statement. “The pictures do not represent the image and expectations of the University of Iowa We work hard to make sure our student-athletes, coaches and staff understand what we expect of them,” Barta said. “Clearly, we hold them to a high standard. It is important we hold everyone representing the Hawkeyes to a similar standard.

To make matters worse this isn’t the first time Podolak has had alcohol related issues.

“In 1997, Iowa City police charged Podolak with public intoxication and interference with official acts after campus police found him sleeping in the grass on the University of Iowa Pentacrest.

At the time of the arrest, a blood test found he had a blood-alcohol level of 0.23, nearly three times the level at which a person is considered intoxicated under current Iowa law.

Iowa officials said at the time of the 1997 incident that another arrest on similar charges could prompt them to dismiss Podolak from the radio broadcast. Podolak has been doing Hawkeye football broadcasts for more than 25 years.

“It was 11 years ago and I’ve made efforts to make sure that situation wouldn’t happen again,” Podolak said. “I am not sure what else I can say about that.”

Podolak declined to answer specific questions about the woman in the pictures.”

I don’t blame Podolak for not commenting on the woman…she’s uh…how should say this? Homely…yeah that sounds better than fat.

“I don’t want to do anything to damage the university because it is my heart and soul. The love I have for the university is very important to me,” Podolak said. “The proper procedure is for all of us to assess where we are at over the weekend.”

Since the pictures have been released Podolak has decided to “retire”.

Posted in big ten football, Crazy Women, drunk, Iowa Hawkeyes, South Carolina Gamecocks | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Why wasn’t my English teacher like this one?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 12, 2009

Nice "Catch Me, Fuck Me" glasses, teach.

Well here is another example of how male students are certainly luckier than me when I was their age. Remember my first example? If not here’s a reminder.

Meet Brittany Sumrall Johnson, a 26-year-old high school English teacher/basketball coach from Kilbourne, La. She is presently being investigated for sending some “lurid” e-mails to one of her 14-year-old students by the way of MySpace.

Here is a sampling that made some boy walk on air until he had to take out the trash.

“And oh my gosh did u look hot! I can’t wait 4 u 2 play varsity (so) we can hook up on the bus on the way home lol!,”; “oh yea and in the closet, I so wanted to grab you and pull u in there and shut that door and take full advantage of you…”; and “has anyone ever told u that u have a fine a- and body?”

That’s some shitty syntax for an English teacher.

teachI’ve attempted to locate her MySpace page but failed. More likely than not it has been deleted, but gathering from this sample she’s a wild one oh and she’s married.

This might be a new underhanded way of recruiting. So far all she has received is a written reprimand, and her school computer has been confiscated.

To teachers, in general: do not touch. They are your students and it is a school.

To attractive female teachers dumb enough to perpetuate whatever “Hot for Teacher” fantasies the ’80s started by inexplicably becoming attracted to not-quite-of-legal-driving-age boys: take pictures and send them to me.

Posted in Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Good God Please Help Save the Lizards, Feed an Auburn Fan

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 5, 2009

This video is wrong on so many levels even without the lizard. Do you see what Auburn fans have been reduced to since the hiring of Gene Chizik? However eating a lizard is still smarter than firing Tubs for Chizik.

I always thought lizards were reasonably low-cal, but clearly Martha dump truck has downed quite a few.

Her New Year’s resolution is to switch to Diet Mountain Dew.

Billy Bob Bammer has responded to this video by saying “Oh yeah? Well, well, I can eat an Iguana! Wanna see? You just fucking wait!”

Posted in Auburn, Crazy Women, SEC, Skank, War Eagle | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

I wish my high school athletic trainer was like this one

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

First picture: No, yes...I refuse to believe that's the same person.

Was your high school athletic trainer like this one? Chances are its doubtful. I have a confession to make: the title is little misleading, I didn’t have an athletic trainer in high school :(. I attended a private Christian school (stop laughing damn it); don’t get me wrong we played sports, but the trainer was also the coach.

Meet Hope Jacoby, 23, an athletic trainer at Tustin High School (Calif.) who was arrested recently on suspicion of engaging in sex acts with an underage boy, the lucky bastard. See? I told you that your athletic trainer wasn’t like this one. She was just doing her part to get the swelling down. Isn’t that what trainers are supposed to do?

I’m sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down, and give him his Luckiest Boy in America medal right away.

Per the Los Angeles Times:

Hope Jacoby, 23, who has worked with athletes at the school for the last year, was arrested last week on suspicion of oral copulation of a minor and unlawful sex with a minor, said Orange County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jim Amormino. Sheriff’s deputies were informed of the unlawful acts by someone who saw a text message photograph, Amormino said. The boy was between 14 and 17 years old.”

I know what some of you are asking yourselves “Well, does she have a Myspace page?” Why yes, yes she does. And according to her bio on myspace she is a bi-sexual drug dealer. Karma can you say Hope?

“About me: Let’s see. there’s a lot to tell…maybe. My names Hope ~I love goin out. Im a huge fan of the hug. I hug all my friends, and think its an important way to say hi and bye. If I dont hug you, I probably dont like you. Either that or you make me totally nervous, so I wont do it. I believe in karma, however i also think that no matter how good of a person you are, bad things are gonna happen to you. I like hanging out with guys cuz they’re a lot easier to talk to. They don’t like drama, and neither do i. ~I may come off as full of myself, but i promise it’s a front. I don’t have the highest self-esteem, but i don’t think i’m a bad person either. It’s a weird position to be in. Wow this is long. stop reading.”

I love the line: I like hanging out with guys cuz they’re a lot easier to talk to.

Isn’t it kinda hard to talk with a 14 year old penis in your mouth?

A MySpage that is so cluttered with shit it practically gives you a seizure just from looking at it? I find that hard to believe. She seemed to forget to do the kissy-face pose in her mug shot. For shame.

In the great sitcom tradition I may have to go undercover as a high school student to get to the bottom of this.

Personally, I think it says a lot about a person when they have a lot of pictures of themselves taken in the bathroom mirror on their MyFace page.

And none of its good.


Note to self: hot women who admit to having low self-esteem = happiness

Posted in Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Glocks & Athletes Are Not A Good Combination

Posted by Joel Jackson on December 1, 2008

I was well prepared to talk about Tennessee hiring Lane Kiffin and what I thought of it. I along with millions of other Volunteer fans have my opinion, but I want to spend this time to talk about a troubling trend the past, oh, 14 years or so. I am about to do my best Jason Whitlock impersonation, except I am not as big, well-known, or paid.

I have known and/or met quite a few pro athletes in my day. By and large, the ones that I have met are down to earth guys, trying to improve themselves in the sport that they play. They are trying to improve themselves so they can improve their bank accounts. For the athletes that have come from little to nothing growing up, they try to help out family and friends along their journey to fame and fortune. This cycle can lead to problems.

To the athletes reading this blog, please do the following couple of things for me:

*Leave the guns at home…

I am watching the Redskins vs. Giants game. Ironic because on this day, where the Redskins are honoring fallen teammate Sean Taylor, who was murdered in his home a year ago, Plaxico Burress is facing weapons charges because he decided to go “Cheddar Bob” on his thigh while carrying a handgun illegally (or he wanted to be on the next diss record of Eminem, 50 Cent, and Busta Rhymes). If the club was such a bad place to be, then why go??? He’s married (to a lawyer) and has a young son. Why put yourself through now facing jail time over seeing some ass shaking at the club, and get teammate Antonio Pierce involved??? Stephen Jackson, Jamaal Tinsley, and Marvin Harrison would agree. If you are about to go somewhere and you think that you need a gun, then don’t go. If I need a gun to go to my local Quickie Mart for a chocolate squishy, then I won’t be seeing Apu that night. Which leads me to the next point…

*Do not own more than 3 guns…

A wise man once told me that if you are gonna own a gun for home protection, get 3. One should be a handgun that you can grab quickly (Glock), one should be a rifle or shotgun, and one should be a small pistol that your woman could shoot in a pinch (.22 or .38). Whether this is wise or not, I think this is sound advice. In other words, do not be Tank Johnson. And if you wanna be a rapper, PLEASE do not be T.I.


*Last, everyone is not out to get you…

Unless you allow yourself to be associated with bad people, not everyone is out to get you. Yes, crime is everywhere, and what happened to Sean Taylor was a tragedy not of his doing, but of 4 kids who wanted to take a short cut at getting ahead. At the same time, you athletes for the most part have more money than I will ever see. Use some of that to invest in a security company and let bodyguards carry the weapons. Because if you pull a Plax and not have that concealed handgun license, you could shoot yourself at 3 a.m., or face jail time. And please don’t rob any convenience stores…

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Adam Jones, armed robbery, Assault & Battery, Bail Bondsman, basketball, Brawls, Chicago Bears, classless, court tv, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, dumbass, ESPN, FBI, Feds, Fines, football, Goodell, guilty, Jemele Hill, New York Giants, NFL, NFL Football, NRA, Police, Sports, Washington Redskins | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »