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Archive for the ‘Dead Drunk’ Category

A Zamboni + Alcohol = DUI Fun!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

I’ve done a lot of crazy and stupid stuff in my life but I swear I have never stolen a zamboni and driven it drunk. Adam Patterson of Portland, Maine has apparently has done just that, which makes me very envious.

Patterson faces drunk driving and burglary charges are the Portland Po Po found him outside the Cumberland County Civic Center just sitting on top of the zamboni while being “extremely” drunk.

The police allege that the civic center appear to have been broken into. Come on can he actually own a zamboni? No? Well alrighty then.

Grand Theft Zamboni > Grand Theft Auto. That guy’s my hero. Anyone who’s ever spent much time in rinks knows the Zamboni driver is drunk and/or high 24-7 anyway. Fat, Drunk and Driving a Zamboni describes just about every Zamboni driver I’ve ever seen.

See? Something interesting happens in Maine. Of course this is once a year but never mind that.

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Posted in Dead Drunk, drunk, dumbass | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

A Peek Inside of Billy Clyde’s World

Posted by Joel Jackson on November 17, 2008

Inside the Kentucky Wildcat Locker Room After Friday’s Loss To VMI

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Wow!!! You fucktards really did it now. I cannot believe it. You are not about to embarrass me again. Wait, too late. You guys are really a group of fine individuals. 2 years in a row. I go to Sew Fine Tailors on Euclid Avenue & tell them to hook me up with the finest suit they have, so ol’ Billy Clyde can look sharp as a tack on opening night, and this is how you sissy merries repay me??? Jeremy, bring me my special Gardner-Webb flask…

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(Billy Clyde takes a swig)

You 22 mother fuckers are making me the fucking laughingstock of college basketball. You hear that??? That is ol’ Billy Donovon laughing his ass off. He turned down this job because their wasn’t enough hair gel in this barren wasteland of a state to last a year. He’s got his own personal Soul Glo guy just to style his hair. But not ol’ Billy Clyde. I don’t need gallons of Royal Crown Pomade in my contract. All I need is some of that Kentucky bourbon and some hot poon. Glynn, show these boys the action I got lined up after I leave here. Where’s that fancy iPhone??? Pass it around the locker room and show these sorry ass losers what they almost ruined for Billy Clyde.

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This here is Becky. She is a Miller Lite girl. Now I don’t waste time on beer because it gets in the way. Now you boys might think ol’ Billy Clyde would be in hog heaven, with a hot piece of tail & massive quantities of beer. But that is why you boys are losers. You don’t think. See, ol’ Billy Clyde is warming up.

(Takes 3 more huge swigs out of G-W gas can flask)

Billy Clyde wants it all. That white suit wearing asshole in Louisville is laughing his ass off at ol’ Billy Clyde. I want it all. That piss ant is getting all the glory in this state. I want one of those fancy banners in the rooftops too, so I can use it as a blanket when I am bedding trim in my off time. Tracy, I need 3 tonight.

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Damn Tracy, times must be hard. The economy is in the tank but I get a 4, 7, and 5??? I thought this was Lexington, not Morgantown??? What about the douchebag guys in the background??? Oh well. Bring them too. First time for everything, like you dipshits losing to a 6 win team. See boys, this is how ol’ Billy Clyde is rolling tonight, since you just ruined my season. Thanks. Career high my ass. There’s a reason I left College Station. That cow town had 3 hot chicks, and all of them were horrible in bed. If you are ever driving through Texas & wanna find College Station, let ol’ Billy Clyde tell you how to find it. You will know you are getting close when you start seeing the sheep back ass up to the fences.

Well, you sorry sacks of shit are excused. I will deal with you tomorrow after I give this poon some of Big Billy Clyde. Towelboy, I am taking some towels home. Gonna need that flask too.

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Adolph Rupp, Billy Clyde, Billy Donovan, Billy Gillispie, College Basketball, Condoms, Dead Drunk, Douche Bag, drunk, DUI, gardner webb, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA, SEC, SEC Coaches, Sports, Texas A&M, whiners | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Wanna Be An NBA Player??? Here Is NOT Where To Play

Posted by Joel Jackson on June 27, 2008

I finally get some time to put up a post and it just so happens to be right after the 1st round of the NBA Draft . Then something came over me: Our favorite overrated, elitist, ass backwards, and drunken coached team from the SEC didn’t have a player drafted in the 1st round. This makes the second year in a row that a Kentucky player was not drafted in the 1st round, and continues the 11 year streak since a Wildcat player was picked in the lottery.

Oh don’t worry Wildcat fan. I know where to place the blame. It was “10 Loss” Tubby’s fault. He was too busy making sure he ran a clean program, free of racism (unlike the arena named after the “great” Rupp), and made sure that he didn’t hit the Wild Turkey bottle and try to drive home from the bar. He just simply didn’t have time to recruit players who would be developed into NBA talent.

Leave it to Billy Clyde Gilispie to recruit like a mother. He has already scored top 10 talent of all ages. He will take Kentucky back to single digit losses in just a few short years, as soon as his 8th grade recruits start arriving to Lexington. Too bad he said he was gonna stop recruiting young kids. Rumor is that he had planned to recruit Chicago next week while school is out for the summer. R. Kelly was gonna show him where all the hot spots were to get top talent, before Mr. Kelly got some talent of his own. Of course, knowing Billy Clyde’s track record, he’ll be gone quicker than you can say “Nick Saban”. It’s all good anyway, the best coach in the state left you back in the 90’s and now coaches your in-state rival.

So, for all of the Derrick Jasper’s, Scotty Hopson’s, and (insert latest player’s name to leave the Kentucky program here) of the world, things will be ok. You will make it to the NBA Draft Lottery, because you never put on the Wildcat uniform.

Let’s hear Tim Brando spin another year of Kentucky mediocrity…

Posted in Adolph Rupp, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, bad drivers, basketball, Billy Clyde, Billy Gillispie, boosters, cat killer, College Basketball, Cry Baby, Dead Drunk, draft pick, drunk, DUI, ESPN, Evil Empire, Kentucky Wildcats, Liar, Louisville, Louisville Cardinals, NBA, NCAA, satire, SEC, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Sports | Tagged: , , , | 110 Comments »

Logan Young: Sacrificial Lamb

Posted by Little Bear Cub on March 31, 2008

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Look at Mr. Young. He looks so peaceful, stoic, determined, and defiant. Damned all of the legal troubles, he is a true sacrifice for the institution that we call Alabama football. I love this pic of Mr. Young. Hanging on the wall behind him is God in houndstooth, Coach Bryant. I dare not call Mr. Young by his first name, because he is too important in the annals of Alabama football.

Some of us members of the now “Saban Nation” have distanced ourselves from Mr. Young. Not me. I fully embrace Mr. Young for his efforts to make sure that ‘Bama Ball keeps its rightful place among the top of college football. USC, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Michigan football be damned. Alabama IS college football and the sacrifice that Mr. Young has made should be a shining example of giving up yourself for the greater good of Alabama football. RTR…

I am getting almost misty eyed writing this, but if I can get at least one of my fellow ‘Bama brethern to see the light, then I will gladly dehydrate by ocular extraction for the greater good. After all, Mr. Young gave the ultimate gift in the name of Alabama football, so a few lost tears won’t hurt.

Last December, before I made my winter hunting trip to Shreveport, I was in the Bass Pro Shop in Prattville looking for a brand new Benelli Super Nova w/ Steady Grip. This gun is perfect for hunting the native nutria in Shreveport. As I was holding the piece, a vision came upon me. As I made my purchase, I decided to name this particular gun Mr. Young. This gun would be used to pierce the hearts and heads of any prey that may come before me, just as Mr. Young used his incredible finances to ensure recruits land at Alabama. Anyway, after we set up our nutria blind in Shreveport, I got my gear on and loaded Mr. Young. As I laid down cabbage leaves in the nutria kill zone, I raced back to the blind until the first critter came out. I grabbed Mr. Young, saw the creature through my Bushnell scope, and squeezed the trigger. I caught that nutria right between the eyes. Mr. Young was accurate and deadly, just like the original. We ate plenty of nutria that night in December, along with some Golden Flake chips and a Coke, just like Bear did. The next night, we watched the Tide roll over those pagans from Colorado.

Mr. Young, you are gone, but this Little Bear Cub will never forget you or the sacrifice that you made for the University of Alabama. ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, armed robbery, Asphyxiation, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Bama Bangs, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, BCS, Bear is Dead, boosters, cheaters, College Football, Crimson Tide, Dead Drunk, DUI, ESPN, fire philip fulmer, Florida Sucks, football, Football Poll, Fulmer, fulmer sucks, killer, legal troubles, Logan Young, Mascots, mentally challenged, mobsters, moral victories, moron, NCAA, Nick Saban, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Phillip Fulmer, pimps, Po Po, poker, Police, repo, retarded, Rips Media, Roll Tide, Saban, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Uh Oh, Pacman Is “Gon Make It Rain”

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 25, 2008

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So Pacman just went on Michael Irvin’s show today saying how he needed to watch who he hangs out with, and now this. Pacman, along with his trusty sidekick “Spoaty” are having a sockhop in “da ATL” on Sunday. So if anyone is in the Atlanta area on Sunday and need some way to kill off a Sunday night, here ya go. Ladies get in free and Grey Goose is on the house. I guess this means that Dana Jacobsen won’t be there since she’s a Belvedere chick. Don’t worry, they can afford all of the free Grey Goose because they got the flyers printed at Cheap Ass Flyers…

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Posted in alcoholics, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Big East, bongs, boo birds, classless, court tv, crazy, Crazy Women, Dead Drunk, Discipline, draft pick, drugs, DUI, dumbass, ESPN, football, guilty, Hip Hop, ho, Jerry Jones, legal troubles, Liar, Little Bitch, Marijuana, mary jane, moron, NFL, NFL Football, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Spoaty, Sports, stupid, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, WVU | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

YMSWWC’s “Official” NFL Draft Preview Picks 6-10

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 4, 2008

Continuing with YMSWWC’s NFL Draft Preview, here are picks 6-10:

p1_namath_si.jpg New York Jets: “Mangenius” coach Eric Mangini had a difficult second year. Injuries, new QB, and Spygate controversy afftected this team. They need help on both lines, a RB, and like a lot of teams, could use secondary help. I think their best bet, if McFadden doesn’t somehow fall to them, is the second best D-Lineman in the draft, Sedrick Ellis, DE/DT, USC.

patriotsnewlogo.jpg New England Patriots (f/SF): This is a team that racked up a lot of points on offense but got old right before our eyes on defense, particularly the LB corps. With the recent defections of Samuel and Gay at corner, they could use secondary help too. But this draft is a good draft for corners, so they could get a good one in the later rounds. With that said, they need a guy that can easily play a rush end and outside LB. The pick will be Vernon Gholston, DE, Slowhio St.

17860200.jpg Baltimore Ravens: On a personal level, I hope John Harbaugh is a breath of fresh air as opposed to the total windbag known as Brian Billick. Hate is a strong word, and with that really said I didn’t like him. Back to the team that fired him, the needs are many. They are QB, RB, WR, D-Line, O-Line, CB, and that’s about it. I say they go corner, but my pick if I were Ozzie Newsome would be: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas.

odellthurman.jpg Cincinnati Bengals: I know this pic isn’t really clear, but it’s Odell Thurman after arrest #4. They need to focus their whole entire draft on defense. Yeah they could use another lineman on offense or RB for depth but their defense was as potent as Iraqi forces during Desert Storm. Start from the line and work back. So with that being said, the pick is Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson.

kimreg1.jpg New Orleans Saints: Again, another team with issues on defense. I had one of the corners originally slotted here, but Mike McKenzie is no slouch on one side. The other corner, Jason David, ought to have the nickname of “Toasty” because he got his buns burned repeatedly. The signing of Randall Gay should solve that. I say they go linebacker. Scott Fujita needs help, so I say they draft Keith Rivers, LB, USC

p.s. I couldn’t decide between the above pic of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush or the below pic of Kim. No it’s not a clip from her sex tape, this is a somewhat clean blog. But it makes no sense, black or white, for a woman to have ass like this:

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Posted in Cincinnati, clemson, Clemson Tigers, Dead Drunk, draft pick, drugs, DUI, Marijuana, mary jane, Mascots, moral victories, moron, NCAA, New England Patriots, New York Jets, NFL, NFL Football, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

A Mansion For Ole Miss Fans

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 2, 2008

I really can’t write a full post about this picture. I think it speaks for itself. My man Oscar e-mailed me this pic, taken at a trailer park in Mississippi. Hotty Toddy indeed. All that is missing is “The Grove” and Houston Nutt sending dirty text messages to a local reporter…

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I think the little pond makes it “classy”…

Posted in coach o, College Basketball, College Football, crazy, Dead Drunk, Ed Orgeron, Houston Nutt, Internet Rumors, moral victories, NCAA, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, satire, SEC, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, secrets | Tagged: | 13 Comments »

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Posted by Joel Jackson on January 29, 2008

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Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, armed robbery, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Auburn, bad calls, bad drivers, bad newz kennels, Bammers, baseball, basketball, BCS, bongs, boo birds, boosters, cheaters, classless, College Basketball, College Football, conVick, court tv, crazy, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, DAvid Stern, Dawgs, Dead Drunk, Discipline, divorce court, dog fighting, drugs, DUI, dumbass, Ed Orgeron, ESPN, FBI, Feds, Fines, fired, Florida, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, football, FSU, Fulmer, gambling, Gamecocks, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Georgia, Georgia Bulldogs, Go Vols, God, Goodell, guilty, Herban, Herban Meyer, ho, hooker, Houston Nutt, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, Johnnie Cochran, Judge Judy, killer, Kobe, legal troubles, Little Bitch, LSU Tigers, Major League Baseball, marcus vick, Marijuana, mary jane, Michael Vick, michael vick pleads guilty, mississippi state bulldogs, Mitchell Report, MLB, mobsters, moron, murderer, NBA, NCAA, New York Knicks, NFL, NFL Football, nickelback sucks, notre dame sucks, NRA, NWA, OJ, OJ Simpson, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, oliver stone, ookie, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Phillip Fulmer, pimps, pitbull, Po Po, Police, pot, Prison for Vick, refs, repo, Ricky Williams, riots, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, secrets, Sports, Stephon Marbury, steroids, stupid, taser, taxes, team spirit, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, The Juice, Touchdown Jesus, trader, trailer trash, ugly wives, upsets, Vick, Vick Plea, VIP Connection, vols, walk-on, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, whore, WVU, zeke | 1 Comment »

A Message To The Law Enforcement in Knoxville

Posted by Joel Jackson on January 23, 2008

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To: Chief Sterling Owen, IV, Chief of Police for Knoxville Police Department & Chief August Washington, Chief of UTPD

CC: Bill Haslam, Mayor of Knoxville, Coach Phillip Fulmer, Head Honcho, All Things Volunteer Football

From: Joel, Contributing Blogger for https://ymswwc.wordpress.com and Volunteer

Dear Sirs,

I would like to first take the opportunity to thank you kind men for reading this letter. I know that you are busy trying to keep the streets of Knoxville safe, the campus of the University of Tennessee secure, and the whole state proud of its team, the Volunteers. However, as a concerned fan, both of the school, the SEC Conference, and College Football in particular, I am a little bit concerned over what has happened thus far over the past few months concerning the Volunteer football program and police run ins. These concerns have led me to question myself and ask: What can I do as a fan and native Tennessean to help out, in true Volunteer fashion??? So far, this letter that I am typing with great conviction has been my call to arms.

Listen men, we simply cannot allow your fine officers to harass our football players. They have enough to deal with, such as studying, hanging with some friends, playing football, and representing Volunteers worldwide. These fine young men are doing what it takes to “Work Like Heck” and make us all proud. So what if they decide to have a drink to relax. Is it too much trouble to ask that they stumble around in public in peace??? That fight that went on at Gibbs Hall??? What you would call a fight is what a real officer would call a UFC amateur competition. Now, because of you, Coach Fulmer has to take time away from his 6 a.m. Krispy Kreme run just so that the team can engage in some early morning calisthenics months ahead of schedule in preparation for the upcoming difficult season. I don’t see Jim Tressel getting his whole entire team up to run their 6.8 second 40’s (because they are so fast at Ohio State). We all know how irritable Coach Fulmer and Coach Chavis can get when they don’t have their 8 dozen doughnuts and 3 gallon carafes of coffee before they eat breakfast…

As for the alleged marijuana incident with Gerald Jones, Ahmad Paige, and William Brimfield, they were victims of one big understanding. A real police officer would have concluded that the marijuana smell in the car was actually a new type of GHB scented car fragrance. The “marijuana cigarette”??? Mr. Paige simply had his car detailed at the car wash where they sprayed his car with the “Chronic Fresh” scent, and one of the workers there must have had the cigarette slip out of his pocket. See??? Charge a real criminal, not these boys. Now they have to go on police ride alongs as punishment; at the very least, let them watch Season 1 of Reno: 911. I mean, having to suffer through the antics of Officers Jones and Garcia is punishment enough, much less Clementine, Weigel, Junior, and Lt. Dangle. More importantly, we lost two recruits to Oklahoma, which has a history of allowing players to roam free…

Josh “McLovin” McNeil should have been given a handshake and a pat on the back, not a ticket and a court summons. He graciously hosted 3 ladies in his room of his apartment and was bothering no one. The cat was the one that knocked the flower pot through the window. Let’s think about it: realistically, the chances of getting 2 women in the bed with the average guy is slim to none, McNeil got 3. I personally will shake his hand, no, I will HUG him if I ever meet him, as he “Volunteered” to host 3 women at once. God bless him…

In closing, boys will be boys. Who among us did not have a drink or 10 when we were 18??? Marijuana you say??? In The Netherlands, they would call that “Herbal Refreshment”. Guns??? I always thought the Constitution guaranteed us the right to bear arms??? Listen, we need to get together as a community and realize what our priorities are, which should be Volunteer Athletics. Think of a world with 1 and 2 star recruits on the field on Saturdays. People will be blaming Fulmer for poor recruiting, but if you keep harassing the players, the blame will be on you, because the real stars will be too busy with court dates and probation.

Thank you for your time and GO BIG ORANGE!!!

Posted in BCS, Big Orange, boo birds, boosters, College Football, court tv, Crime & Punishment, Dead Drunk, Discipline, drugs, DUI, football, Fulmer, fulmer sucks, Go Vols, guilty, Jim Tressel, legal troubles, Marijuana, mary jane, Phillip Fulmer, Po Po, Police, road rage, Rocky Top, satire, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, SEC Speed, stupid, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, UT vols, vols | 3 Comments »

Waa?!?!?

Posted by Joel Jackson on December 20, 2007

When I saw this story, I almost spit out my Coke, and probably by the time I post this, it’ll be all around the blogosphere and internet. In Chapel Hill, NC (a beautiful college town btw), police have charged Tnika Monta Washington, 29, and Monique Jenice Taylor, 28, with kidnapping and sexual assault, involving three UNC football players. A third man, Michael Troy Lewis, 32, was charged with kidnapping, larceny, robbery with a dangerous weapon, assault on a government official, and resisting arrest.

Apparently, the three unnamed players went out to celebrate one of their birthdays and met the defendants while out. The defendants gave the players a ride home and were then invited up to their apartment. One of the players had too much to drink, so after laying him down, the other two players had “some consenual sexual contact with the women”.

Here’s where things get interesting. The players became uncomfortable and asked the women to stop. Now in the interest of full disclosure, I will now post the mug shots of the two women:

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Maybe the players sobered up. Anyway, a call to 911 was made by one of the players and police arrived on the scene around 3:30 am. They found the two men in boxers and the passed out drunk guy still fully clothed. According to accounts at a bail hearing, the women began punching one of the players in the head. Both players had their hands tied with tape while being “fondled” by one of the women. Lewis held a knife to one of the player’s neck while Washington (the one in red that looks like a female Lil’ Wayne) “serviced” him. Here is Lewis’s mugshot:

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Lewis is accused of taking about $100 out of the player’s wallets, trying to steal about $3,000 worth of computer and entertainment equipment, biting a police officer in the groin and pushing him down some stairs in an effort to avoid arrest. None of the players were physically hurt in this “incident”.
Listen, we all have done some stupid things while intoxicated. Lord knows that I have. Some of us may have either taken or gone home with someone that may not be the prettiest girl at the dance while drunk. This is why you have a designated driver, but not just to ensure a ride home. Someone not under the influence could have stopped these guys from making bad decisions, like who to take home after a night at the club and/or bar. Maybe these ladies looked good in the dark to these guys, maybe they mixed their light and dark liquors, which is a drinking no no. All I know is that these guys are no Josh McNeil

***On a totally unrelated note, I will be attending this year’s “prestigious” Texas Bowl here in Houston, TX between Houston & TCU (don’t laugh, I actually have free tickets and nothing better to do). If anyone else will be going, drop an email at ymswwc@gmail.com

Posted in ACC, ACC Football, bad calls, Butch Davis, court tv, Crime & Punishment, Dead Drunk, NCAA, North Carolina Tarheels | Leave a Comment »