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Archive for the ‘DUI’ Category

Let the hate begin. It’s time for the Red Sox and Yankees to renew their rivalry for 2009

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 24, 2009

This weekend is one of the better sports weekends especially if you’re a Red Sox fan. That’s right Sox and Yankees renew their hate-fest. We all know the Yankees blow, my God they can’t even sell out that brand new stadium of theirs. 

David Ortiz has already issued a warning to Joba “The DUI Drunken Hutt” Chamberlain about throwing at the heads of Red Sox players. See in 2007 Chamberlain threw behind Youkilis’ head twice in one game. Then last July this occurred. 

Ortiz talked to reporters on Wednesday between games of a doubleheader with the Twins. 

“None of that, man – just play the game the way it’s supposed to be, and that’s about it,” Ortiz said, referring to Chamberlain. “This is a guy, as good as he is, the next step for him will be to earn respect from everybody in the league. He’s not a bad guy, but when things like that happen, people get the wrong idea.” 

Basically he is saying “Oh and please don’t pitch drunk.” 

Then again this is just another example of the Dominican Republic going out of its way to police other countries. See? And you thought I couldn’t pick on teams or players I like. 

The photo is a screen shot of CNBC’s Closing Bell during the Consumer Electronics Show of 2008. Don’t these guys know they don’t have to make degrading personal appearances until they’ve retired and shitted all their money away? 

Joba just can’t get away from the prison stripes look. Guess he’s preparing for his future 10-year stint when he pulls a Stallworth.

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Posted in Big Papi, Boston Red Sox, DUI, Joba Chamberlain, Major League Baseball, MLB, new york yankees, Sox Rock!, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Random Musings: Baseball Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 9, 2009

Go Red Sox!

Go Red Sox!

Yes…baseball has officially begun, and what a great start to the season with Boston winning their first game and Yankees losing theirs. 

Here a brief collection of not so famous baseball stories that have occurred lately. 

Whoever handles the marketing responsibilities for Giants Apparently does not think things through and they should leave all ball related play on words to someone who is a trained professional. 

Their new slogan “Let’s Play with Balls of Fire” is also the pickup line that Jerry Lee Lewis used on his 13-year-old cousin. They’re already in San Francisco, so there’s no need to attract the gay demographic. It’s there for the taking. 

The E! True Hollywood Story: Beetlejuice

Remember when Joba Chamberlain spent a night in mid-October drinking at a strip club and was stopped by Lincoln police? Well good news everyone the video of his arrest is now available

This video footage of the Yankee right-hander’s arrest in Nebraska shows a drunken and Chamberlain stumbling to his left after the state trooper removes an open bottle of alcohol from his car. 

The video also catches Joba, who at the time was newly acquired by the Yankees, bashing New Yorkers and leveling Yankee great, Yogi Berra, with a cheap shot. (Hahahaha) 

“No bullshit, he might not be as tall as the front of your car,” Chamberlain told the Nebraska state trooper who found an open bottle of Crown Royal sitting inside the hurler’s BMW.” 

Forget about failing a sobriety test; he failed a fashion test. He’s dressed like a mime. 

Don’t ever, under any circumstances, talk bad about Hillsdale College (Mich.) baseball team’s lousy record. That’s what one editor of the school news paper did only to have his home besieged with dead animals. Including a goat that shot gunned. Who shotguns a goat? You slit its throat voodoo fashion. 

Beneath the carcasses a copy of a recent Hillsdale Collegian editorial was found. The editorial called out the baseball team for its 8-14 record (1-9 in the Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference). 

Here’s an excerpt from the editorial

“In the recent past Hillsdale managed to can its women’s cheer team, the soccer team, men’s swimming and men’s golf. God knows what they did wrong. Even more disturbing, the rugby team (4-3) struggles to become a recognized club (despite field success) as the dean of men pushes to bring a Nerf-war club into fruition. What? 

Maybe you’re next? 

Oh, and lose the swagger. 

Most of you walk around campus with this chip-on-my-shoulder, badass tempo. How is this possible? It’s not enough for you to simply lumber around like the other disappointing athletes? Lose the stride boys.” 

Harsh words indeed however when someone uses harsh word like this it helps to stand by them. Of course after someone’s house was pelted by dead animals the newspaper was quick to apologize

“This past week’s staff editorial about the baseball team was a mistake, and we can’t stand by that expressed opinion. Maybe the right sentiment was there in the beginning, but what we published was poorly written, reported and edited. We now realize there are conditions the baseball team faces, for example a financial disadvantage other teams may not worry about. We kicked a guy when he was down; published an opinion rooted in gossip rather than reported fact. 

Especially, we never should have attacked the character of the baseball team or the coaching staff. We understand you do your best to represent the college well. You are supported by the editorial board as one of our Charger teams and we hope you snag a win this weekend.” 

Way to stick by your guns guys. As for the team itself, lighten up on the carcasses.

Posted in Boston Red Sox, DUI, Hillsdale College, Joba Chamberlain, Major League Baseball, MLB, NCAA Baseball, new york yankees, San Francisco Giants, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Barkley to pitch a tent for Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 25, 2009

If he continues to cover himself in vaseline, that should go over real well in the joint...

 

You know lately I haven’t written much of squat, I’ll admit that. Due to work and other factors I’m an unhappy non-writing camper at the moment. You know who else is not a happy camper right now? You guessed it, Charles Barkley.

Barkley pled guilty to DUI charges in Scottsdale and was sentenced to 10 days in the can, so that mean he should be eligible for parole around March 26. This means that he will only miss only one TNT doubleheader: Pistons at Bulls and Rockets at Jazz on Tuesday, March 24. Some judge in Arizona got kick back for this favorable scheduling there, I’m sure.

Sir Charles also has to pay more than two grand in fines he also has to install an ignition interlock device on all of the vehicles he owns and complete a court-ordered alcohol treatment program. However this worse end of the deal is the fact that the never shy from controversy Barkley will be wearing pink in the clink because he will be serving his time in Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s infamous Tent City Jail where some of the inmates have to wear pink boxers. If this doesn’t have cheap Fox reality TV show written on it then nothing does!

“I’m taking a lot of heat for putting convicted illegal immigrants in the tents. How am I going to discriminate and not put high-profile people in the tents?” Arpaio asked.”

However Sir Charles will be on a working release so he will actually leave the prison from 8 a.m. and return 8 p.m. that same day because the reality is the prison stint is just one of the qualifiers to being Alabama’s governor. Strangely enough, the ’round mound’ means something completely different in prison showers.

When this is over with I’m sure Barkley will be a better person, let’s just all hope he doesn’t come out and say “That prison rape was turrrurrible.”

For the record I’m sure Barkley saw enough pink underwear from his days of playing with Kevin Johnson.

Posted in Charles Barkley, DUI, dumbass, Fines, NBA, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Tent City | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Nothing says father and son bonding like getting drunk and letting the kid drive

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 17, 2009

I was going get on my soapbox about the poor parenting skills of Phoenix Suns’ guard Jason Richard and his desire to go slightly over the speed limit while his 3-year-old son was not properly buckled in. After all he was clocked for going 90 in a 35 MPH zone but I changed my mind. 

I have a better story to tell involving poor parenting skills instead. Take two soccer coaches, an eight-year-old, a van and a bottle of whiskey shake and stir and you have Disney’s newest straight to DVD release. 

Mark A. Belanger, 34, of Sarasota, was arrested on February 8th for allowing his son to drive the family van which almost hit two Toronto FC coaches who were walking nearby.

“Belanger told police he was “feeling woozy and didn’t want to drive.” He also told them he let his child drive “because he wanted to have a bonding moment with his son.” The two pedestrians nearly hit by the child driver are coaches with a Major League Soccer club team, Toronto FC. The team has been in the area for about a week in a training camp.

Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver’s side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car’s radiator, the police report said.

When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose. The boy told police his father took “liquid medicine in order to feel better.” He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.”

Not fair! My mother would not allow me to drive when she got sauced until I was eleven-years-old. Man kids have got made these days. This officially makes the 8 year old the best driver in Florida. Also Belanger should’ve taken his kid to a whorehouse. That’s how you bond with your son.

This is the problem with today’s children. They grew up on Grand Theft Auto, so he crashed into a tree. I grew up on Mario Kart; I would have shot the tree with a red shell and kept it moving.

Posted in Douche Bag, drunk, DUI, Florida, Soccer | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Fourteen gold medals, banging a USC coed and smoking pot, just one day in the life of Michael Phelps

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 2, 2009

My question is was he smoking Mellow Gold or Spanish Trampoline?

Usually when I write about the University of South Carolina and smoking pot in involves the school’s football players. I have more than once referred to USC as the University of Smoking Cannabis. This time is different. This time I’m not writing about some Shamecock football player, I’m writing about 14 gold medal Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.

It seems this past November Phelps was in this fair town of Columbia where he attended a football game and apparently got high Even though I’m opposed to illegal drugs and take pleasure in making fun of those who use them this really isn’t as a big of a deal as the traditional media outlets are making it out to be. If you had gigantism of the ears and neck, you’d smoke too. However sometime ago The US Olympics Committee, who have pledged to clamp down on drug use, did announce some laws that could force Phelps to sit out the 2012 games in London because he took drugs.

News of the World, a British newspaper was the first to break this story.

One party-goer who witnessed the star’s behaviour told the News of the World: “He was out of control from the moment he got there.

“If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again.”

Phelps’ aides went into a panic over our story and offered us a raft of extraordinary incentives not to run the bong picture.

phelps-usc

Phelps apparently has been banging some USC chick named Jordan Matthews and decided to get wasted every night he was here in town. The source of the story states Phelps was rather obnoxious. With ears like his how can anyone be obnoxious?

“Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

Our source said: “You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do.

Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to smoke dope does it? The source also states Phelps spent a lot of time at Pavlov’s bar. In my humble opinion I think that place is a freaking dump. This isn’t the first time Phelps has been in trouble either. In 2004 he served an 18 month long probation for a DUI.

Since this story has broken Phelps has acknowledge that the photo is real and is sorry.

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said in the statement released by one of his agents. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Now we know how he consumed 12,000 calories a day. He’d eat cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Some Hagen-Daz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and he would make some smores. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, water, a whole lotta water and…….Funyuns.

It’s always interesting how celebrities show remarkable self-awareness about their mistakes after they get caught … and usually when millions of dollars in endorsements are on the line.

The U.S. Olympic Committee said it was “disappointed in the behavior recently exhibited by Michael Phelps,” who was selected the group’s sportsman of the year. He also was honored as AP male athlete of the year, and his feat in Beijing — breaking Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for most gold medals in an Olympics — was chosen as the top story of 2008.

Posted in bongs, drugs, DUI, dumbass, mary jane, Michael Phelps, South Carolina Gamecocks, USC | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Hook ‘em & Book ‘em

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 19, 2009

Have you ever heard the name Augie Garrido? He holds the most wins (1,629) and five national championships as the University of Texas baseball coach.

Augie Garrido is also the newest member of the DUI Coaches Team. Bevo is NOT impressed.

Austin Police Department spokesman James Mason confirmed Garrido’s arrest and charge and the University of Texas handed Garrido an indefinite suspension with pay.

“Texas baseball coach Augie Garrido has been placed on indefinite suspension following his arrest earlier today for alleged driving while intoxicated,” Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds said in a press release.

“The suspension, with pay, is pending until further information can be gathered. This is a difficult and regrettable situation that we are taking very seriously. I spoke with Coach Garrido and he’s devastated and realizes he made a serious mistake.

At least he was awake when the police approached his car that puts him ahead of Tony LaRussa.

Matthew McConaughey’s advise to Coach Garrido, stay home next time you’ll skip the DWI charges (but keep your pants on).

Posted in Augie Garrido, Big 12 Baseball, DUI, Texas Longhorns | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Dwyane Wade can relax now that T-Mobil has dropped Charles Barkley

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 15, 2009

Nice outfit, Chuck. Apparently you’ve gone from the Round Mound of Rebound to the Drab Flab of Rehab.

Who knew that driving while intoxicating and then telling the arresting officer that you ran a stop sign because you were on your way to get a blowjob would get you dropped by T-Mobil? Is this still not America we live in? Maybe Barkley should have considered a limo service for his Fave 5.

Then again after a careful look at the situation maybe it wasn’t the drinking, whoring or gambling. Maybe it was the shirt in his mug shot. T-Mobile could not condone that.

Don’t tell me that T-Mobile didn’t know Barkley was an obnoxious asshole when they first signed him to do their advertising?

Was him getting a DUI while on his way to a BJ really such a deviation from anything Barkley did before they signed him up???

I’m betting Sir Charles’ new Fav 5 consists of:

  1. His attorney
  2. The producers at TNT so can beg to keep his job
  3. The country club because tee times must still be made
  4. His bookie of course
  5. Heidi Fleiss

The only person who wants Charles Barkley’s endorsement right now is Gene Chizik.

Posted in Charles Barkley, DUI, Dwyane Wade, Gene Chizik, T-Mobil | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Broken Plays: Happy 2009 Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 2, 2009

sany0308

Woo hoo 2009 is here and you know what means right? It means you put the past behind you and look to the future.

Welcome to Tennessee Coach 0, I sure have missed you. That’s right folks I’m going to have to get Cajun man out of retirement because Coach 0 has left the Saints while snubbing LSU and joined King Kiffin’s staff at Tennessee. All this of course means I have new ammo to make fun of my favorite team.

Yaw yaw Go Vols yaw.

Welcome back Cajun Man

I’m gonna leave this blog…and when I get back I’m not gonna have a shirt on….and the rest of you (*&%$%*^s better have their shirt off too…and if anyone in this %*&^*^% room thinks they can take me…then BRING IT!!!

wOw…sOrry…I think I just blacked Out…did I just say sOmething?

See? That was easy!

Congrats to Jerod Mayo former Tennessee defensive God and this years NFL Defensive Rookie of the year!!!

The former University of Tennessee standout was a nearly unanimous choice, earning 49 of 50 votes Wednesday from a nationwide panel of sports writers and broadcasters who cover the league.

Sir Charles Barkley’s political aspirations aren’t starting off as well as he would have liked.

As most of you know he was cited for a DUI on New Years Eve but now there are something rather interesting circumstances surrounding this situation.

The Smoking Gun has the full report:

According to the officer who wrote the report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat.”

The officer continues: “He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a b**w job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘b**w job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”

The report says when Barkley was taken to the station, he told one of the employees, “I’ll tattoo my name on your ass” if he helped “get him out of the DUI.” According to the report, “He laughed and then quickly corrected himself and said, ‘I’ll tattoo your name on my ass’ and then laughed again.”

Well that would explain the sweatiness in the mug shot. The old “blow job around the corner” trick, been there tried that. Nice try Sir Charles.

But everyone wants to know it the same “girl” Eddie Murphy picked up a bunch of years ago?

Denver fires Mike Shanahan and yet Norv Turner will most likely remain employed this year. I like Mike Shanahan but I see it was time for him to go after 13 seasons and 2 super bowl victories.

Is it me or does he look like a zombie in the photo below?

Posted in Charles Barkley, coach o, Denver Broncos, DUI, Ed Orgeron, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, SEC, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Penn State Mascot likes to get his drink on

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 2, 2008

It’s been a rough couple of years for the Penn State football team, at least when the subject of arrests is brought up.

James Sheep is a senior at Penn State and is also the Nittany Lion mascot. Last Saturday Sheep proved he can be a member of the football team by getting arrested for driving under the influence.

Maybe the Sheep was a little too excited about winning the Land Grant Trophy and going to the Rose Bowl, but that doesn’t explain why not only he chose to be an idiot and drive while intoxicated but also he was playing overcrowded taxi as well.

The officer who made the stop saw that the vehicle was overloaded, with passengers piled onto each other and blocking the driver’s view.

Now I’m sure the other passengers were perfectly alright to drive. *Sarcasm*

He was arrested at 3:15 AM on Saturday morning, leaving plenty of time to go through the booking process and make bail. Didn’t anyone notice he had a hangover for the game?

It will be up to JoePa on whether Sheep travels to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl. No word of ESPN’s Outside the Lines is planning a follow-up.

In fairness to the Lion, the final home football game means now he has to pull duty at PSU basketball games. I’d be drinking too.

Posted in big ten, big ten football, drunk, DUI, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, Mascots, Penn State, Penn State Nittany Lions | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Jim Leyritz will struggle through this…somehow

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 19, 2008

For those of you that might not know or remember Jim Leyritz, he is a former douche-bag Yankee who stands accused of being involved in an accident while driving drunk, in which a young mother was killed.

Of course our legal system, being what is, means Leyritz is currently out on bail awaiting trial. The judge had ordered a Breathalyzer device be installed in his car until the trial.

Last week Leyritz’s attorneys asked the judge to remove the device because it was somewhat “bothersome.”

“He cannot leave the car with a valet, because it cannot be started by the valet,” his lawyers said in a statement. And he “can’t eat things like chicken Marsala,” said his ex-wife, Karri, because certain foods cause false positives.

So… all the valets in New York have also been eating Chicken Marsala?

Jim Leyritz needs to be able to use valet parking, people. Do you know how hard it is to remember where you parked your car after drinking three bottles of wine during dinner?

The victim’s lifeless body has requested that her body be re-animated because her current state of lifelessness is “bothersome.”

Maybe the court could replace his Breathalyzer with the barrel of a loaded shotgun.

Hey Jim fuck you asshole. I feel so sorry for you.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, drunk, DUI, Jim Leyritz, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »