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Archive for the ‘Evil Empire’ Category

The swag that the already rich got at the ESPY Awards

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 16, 2009

In case you didn’t know the ESPYs were held last night. The reason you might not know is because it won’t air until Sunday night. That doesn’t make sense since there was NOTHING sports related that was worth watching on last night. 

Here’s an interesting rule of thumb: The more money you make the more free crap you get. Of course free crap is what brought the celebrities out to the ESPYs last night. Let’s see what free crap they got. 

  • Undefeated and EA Sports: Free duffel bags ($225 est). Thirty VIPs got a personalized, laser-engraved PlayStation 3 or PSP.
  •  iHome: Free speakers, Keyboards and wireless laser mouse ($179.99), and laptop cooling pads.
  •  Simmons Jewelry: The gold-encrusted necklace shaped like Larry Bird’s dick is my personal favorite.
  • Free Flip cams to anyone who signs up for their new “Facebook for the glitterati.” What he fuck is a glitterati? I’m guessing it means douche bag.
  • Muze Clothing: T-shirts printed with classic movie lines. Don’t be wearing that Muze Clothing around here, or the Ninjas will get you.
  •  Skullcandy: Fashion headphones. I own a set of Skullcandy headphones I’ll admit the sound quality is awesome.
  • Wynn: VIP cards for the Vegas casino pool.  As they really need those to get in
  • Marley Coffee: Coffee beans made by the son of a reggae legend. Hopefully for their sake laced.
  • Axe:  Some guy products and body spray. That’s a body spray? I’ve been using it as pesticide. The other great irony of life is the more Body Axe I apply, the more people at work disliked me. 
  •  Sentient: Coupons for private jets. That’s just sad but Lenny Dykstra would like to know more
  • Patron: Got everyone drunk. 

Actually, the rest of the stuff they received sounds pretty worthless. It will be cluttering up mansions for years.

Posted in ESPN, ESPY Awards, Evil Empire, Lenny Dykstra | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Erin Andrews can take balls to her chin & this blog ain’t dead!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 9, 2009

What you thought you could kill us off that easily? Truth is I’ve been on vacation but I’m back now and look for me to be writing in full rotation starting next week. However let’s get on with this shocking Erin Andrews news. 

This is not a drill; I repeat this is not a drill. When I break this news please do not go running into the streets with blind rage and confusion. Please brace yourselves for the next paragraph. 

According to TMZ, ESPN’s sideline princess, Erin Andrews, was struck in the face by a foul ball by New York Mets player Alex Cora. 

 Andrews — who serves as a sideline reporter for ESPN — was struck in the chin by a foul ball hit by New York Mets player Alex Cora during the 4th inning. 

This DOES NOT give anyone the right to kill any Mets fans upon sight unless they were stupid enough to lose gold teeth in a toilet at Citifield or if you want to pretend it was a Yankees player that was the cause of this, then by all means kill away. 

I know the shock of this is unsettling. My first thought was: It hit EA’s chin and missed Dana Jacobson’s? No justice!!! But I’m able to control myself. 

Erin is OK. I repeat she is OK; she only suffered a bruised chin. 

I’ll keep you posted of any updates as soon as they are made available to me. 

Number of wins the Mets have in the last week: 1 Number of sideline princesses has been hit with a foul ball at one of their games in the last week: 1 …Christ…

Posted in Erin Andrews, ESPN, Evil Empire, Faceplant, failboats, Major League Baseball, New York Mets | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

I don’t care about steroids anymore

Posted by Ghetto_Philosopher on February 12, 2009

roger-clemensMuch has been made about the news that there is indeed evidence that A-rod tested positive for anabolic steroids some odd years ago. As can be expected in this media age of ours, it was plastered all over the newspapers, was the main focus of radio talk shows nationwide and was all over This prompted ESPN to of course arrange an interview between Peter Gammons and Alex Rodriguez where A-rod came out of the closet about his use of performance enhancers (more about this interview in a bit).

I must confess that when I heard the news, I stood up in indifference. Why do we still care? Granted that I am not the biggest baseball fan out there but I am tired of all the moral outrage being shown by folks in the media. This had to have been the worst kept secret and it is amazing to me that all this stuff took this long to come to light. It definitely says a lot about us as the fans and the media types. We didn’t care about this stuff when we were gobbling up the offensive explosions that helped save the MLB. Lets not pretend that we care now. As for the whole “we are sending the wrong message to kids”, maybe we should stop expecting athletes to be role models and be role models to kids ourselves. Nobody cares about these athletes when they age and stop producing. They just get tossed aside for a younger and faster replacement, yet we are shocked when they try to get an edge and hang on to their glory years? Please.

Now I am not trying to excuse these guys for cheating, I am trying to point out that we were and are complicit in it. We created these monsters and now we have to live with them. On the interview between Gammons and Rodriguez, does anyone move faster to make a story their own than ESPN? Like Petros pointed out on PMS (the Petros and Money Show, KLAC 570 AM here in LA), this A-rod story was broken by Sports Illustrated but within two days, ESPN took over the story by saturating the air waves with everything A-rod and quickly arranging the interview. And now, no one even remembers SI broke the news. Evil genuises.

Posted in A-Fraud, Alex Rodriguez, Arod, Barry Bonds, baseball, ESPN, Evil Empire | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

ESPN suspends Scott Van Pelt for showing some intelligence

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 9, 2009

Let’s face it, the majority of ESPN radio personalities are babbling morons, albeit some are entertaining. So when one ESPN radio personality actually makes valid and relevant comments about baseball commissioner Bud Selig and his $18.5 million salary instead of analogies using Friday Night Lights well…let’s just say that’s a no-no.

Last week, ESPN’s Scott Van Pelt throttled Bud Selig about the MLB Commissioner’s $18.5 million salary and apparently Bud Selig is not to happy about it. Van Pelt was suspended from his radio show as a result.

ESPN has corporate interests at heart?! Next you’re going to tell me they used to cover Arena Football because it was the next big thing!

Van Pelt refuses to comment instead diverting it along to ESPN media relations. According to some ESPN higher-ups the comments about Selig were “too personal” & the phrase “pimp cup” was the zinger that led to the suspension. Van Pelt, reportedly on his own volition, called Selig to apologize and was in agreement that his statements were a little harsh.

Everyone knows that Selig has a close relationship with some ESPN top executives plus they are locked into an 8 year, 2.4 billion (yes billion) broadcast deal that started in ’05.

I was driving to get a haircut when I heard his rant. It was 100% fucking spot on and the only intelligent thing I’ve heard on ESPN Radio… maybe ever. It’s absolutely hysterical that they’re slapping him on the wrist for this. I was glad that someone was taking Selig to task. Why should someone have a show on sports talk radio and not be critical of sports figures? And shame on Scott Van Pelt for apologizing to Selig, he has nothing to apologize for.

If he would have just stuck to Mike and Mike’s program schedule of eating contests, Nelson songs, and rap written by a no talent Irish kid, this would have never happened.

My biggest gripe with ESPN is that they don’t report news anymore – it’s all analysis all the time. Now they are going to start giving their employees hell for that, too? Can we please get a real sports channel in this country?

I heard John Clayton is scrambling to re-write his “Roger Goodell is a Douche bag” story as we speak. This is why Bill Simmons continues to have rifts with ESPN. I don’t see why this is shocking to any with half a pulse. Van Pelt needs to do what Simmons did and just provide a disclaimer at the beginning of the show and then sound off. Oh ESPN, you continue to embarrass yourselves.

Posted in Bud Selig, ESPN, Evil Empire, Major League Baseball, MLB, Scott Van Pelt | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

More reasons as to why the 2008 Dallas Cowboys are genuinely failboats

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 21, 2009


As if we need to point out why the Dallas Cowboys are the most overpaid failboats in this year’s NFL, a new report has surfaced that points to one person and it isn’t TO (surprisingly).

According to the Dallas News there are reports of tardiness, lack of respect, crappy coaching and lastly there are Tony Romo’s horrible practice habits. I’m sure there are some Romosexuals that are in a tizzy now!

And I didn’t even mention that fact Tony Romo was continuing to be an industrial grade turnover machine.

According to five sources, several offensive players lost respect for [offensive coordinator Jason] Garrett for his failure to corral quarterback Tony Romo in practice. Romo, sources said, often forced throws in practice and often did not treat practice work consistently.

The quarterback’s practice habits were so bad, sources said, that they affected the way he played in games and could have factored into the offense’s problems.

Sources said Owens was upset that Romo directed more passes at tight end and close friend Jason Witten as opposed to the other receivers who he deemed open. Owens has declined to discuss that issue.

I for one, I am shocked. You’d never suspect discipline problems watching TO scream at Romo on the sidelines and the head coach looking like he just awoke from a coma.

However the last paragraph does indicate that maybe TO might have had a point a few months back. Of course this reports also states that well TO never really showed up on time to meetings so can you take him seriously?

Owens was a repeat offender in being late for team meetings, sources said. With the Cowboys needing to defeat Philadelphia to reach the playoffs in the season finale, Owens was late for a Dec. 23 meeting, citing traffic problems two days before Christmas. Owens declined comment on his tardiness.

Scrip clubs, Ed Werder, and Jessica Simpson obviously contributed quite a bit as well. There is only one move to make now Jerry Jones…Sign Michael Vick. He’s got the rap sheet you’re looking for AND the inflated ego, perfect.

Then again this Dallas Team reminds me of the 1995 Dallas Cowboys…oh wait they won the Super Bowl that year…never mind.


Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Evil Empire, failboats, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

More crappy Christmas Gifts

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 4, 2008

Yes this season looks bleak especially if you’re a sports fan. If you’re like me and is forced…FORCED damn it…to participate in the office “Secret Santa” then get them a crap-tastic sports gift.

What says “You’re a gold digging whore” to that slutty office person who is constantly raving on about how drinks she scored for free over the weekend by offering over hyped cleavage and a lack of substance better than an ESPN Monopoly game?

Is Erin Andrews on the community chest cards?

This ties into the biggest thing that bothers me about ESPN – they in large part dictate the sports narratives of the day. Public opinion regarding an issue, player, or team can literally be shaped by ESPN now. So when the BCS goes to ESPN, not only will ESPN’s tune change on the issue of a college football playoff, but you can bet that public opinion will as well.

Know anyone that ever wanted to smell like JoePa’s adult diapers? Then here’s your chance to make them happy while grossing out their cubical neighbors.

Masik is a company that “specializes” in collegiate fragrances.

They offer colognes in the following schools:

  • UNC: When Just Looking Like Stu Scott Ain’t Enough, Bro. WARNING: do not spray directly in eyes.
  • Penn State: Musk, passion, wrinkles…Joe Paterno Moth Balls fragrance

And coming soon!

  • Florida: When being a douche-bag isn’t enough and you can smell like one.
  • Georgia: Boone’s Farm and urinal cakes with subtle notes of denial.
  • Alabama: mixture of baby back ribs, dead Behr and bacon is tantalizing to the ladies.
  • Tennessee: concoction of whiskey in a jar and Lane Kiffin
  • Auburn: heady combination of sinsemilla and ass.
  • LSU: A subtle blend of coonass and corndogs.

To bad they don’t make one for Oregon St Beavers the women’s version could embody the true essence…

Of course if you have an asshole boss like me get them a Redsox coffin. The special edition Ted Williams model comes with built-in air conditioning.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn, Bear is Dead, Boston Red Sox, Douche Bag, ESPN, Evil Empire, Florida Gators, Georgia Bulldogs, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, LSU Tigers, North Carolina Tarheels, Penn State Nittany Lions, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

This will attribute to a crappy Christmas

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 14, 2008

I’ve spent most of the day funneling NyQuil and free basing Tylenol Cold and Flu and I’m feeling somewhat better. In my medicated stupor I envisioned a horrible Christmas gift. Upon sobering up some I realized that I didn’t envision this but I saw it on TV in the form of a pesky commercial.

Just imagine your child’s face light up with disappointment when they receive the ESPN Sportscaster Microphone! Now your child can actually pretend to be Dr. Lou! And this is perfect for every father who aspires to turn their little girl into the next Erin Andrews.

Buy now, and they’ll throw in Stuart Scott’s wandering eye…for FREE!

Other toys might be coming soon such as:

  • The Michael Vick Doggie Grooming Kit
  • The Phil Fulmer doughnut maker
  • The Nick Saban Satanic Alter
  • The Brett Favre Decision MakerThe Harold Reynolds Experience featuring Boston Market
  • The Sean Salisbury Clipboard
  • Emmit Smith’s Hooked On Phonics
  • Mike Greenberg’s Guide for the Metrosexual Male and Makeup Kit
  • Kirk Herbstreit hair styling kit

Posted in Erin Andrews, ESPN, Evil Empire, Lou Holtz | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Holtz + Hitler reference + ESPN = Double Standard

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 21, 2008

In case you been in the hospital or a Turkish prison over the weekend Lou Holtz made a rather harsh faux pas last Friday night on College Football Live. While discussing Michigan’s not so great start of the season Lispy Lou made a Hitler reference about Rich “Dirty Sanchez” Rodriguez. Here is the quote:

“Ya know, Hitler was a great leader too.”

That’s not a good pep talk, Dr. Lou…

Mark “Lazy Eye” May was speechless and Rece Davis attempted to clarify what Holtz was saying by following up with “You mean he (Hitler) is a bad, leader, right?” Holtz said yes. Either way it was a rather uncomfortable situation even though Lou’s old enough to have recruited Hitler out of high school.

The following day (Saturday) ESPN wisely made Lispy Lou apologize on national TV on Gameday.

“Last night while trying to make a point about leadership, I made an unfortunate reference. It was a mistake and I sincerely apologize. At the time, I tried to clarify my remarks. I’m not sure I adequately did so.”

“I appreciate your understanding.”

I find it strange that when Page 2 columnist Jemele Hill referenced Hitler in one of her columns a few months ago, they promptly suspended her for a period of time.

Is it Racism? Sexism? Or, just spitting incoherent old guyism….

For years, Holtz has been flaunting his disregard for ESPN’s “Say It, Don’t Spray It” policy.

This was Mrs. Hill’s apology:

“I deeply regret the comment I made in a column Saturday. In expressing my passion for the NBA and my hometown of Detroit I showed very poor judgment in the words that I used. I pride myself on an understanding of, and appreciation for, diversity – and there is no excuse for the appalling lack of sensitivity in my comments. It in no way reflects the person I am. I apologize to all of my readers and I thank them for holding me accountable. This has been an important lesson for me and illustrates that, like many people, I still have a lot of growing and learning to do.”

For some reason I sincerely believe hers was more genuine than Lispy Lou’s apology.

The way ESPN quickly and fairly handled Hill’s faux pas sent a message to the world which was ESPN WILL NOT ALLOW HITLER REFERENCES.

For some odd reason they are taking a double standard stance when it comes to old men who spit while they talk. The suspension of Hill was aggressive and rather scolding.

This is how ESPN responded: “[S]he’s been relieved of her responsibilities for a period of time to reflect on the impact of her words….”

Yet we hear nothing of the sort concerning Holtz coming from the evil empire that is ESPN.

Maybe it’s because Holtz was born in West Virginia (where Rich Rod used to coach) and he is a legendary coach at Notre Dame which also hates Michigan that makes ESPN believe they can look the other way.

The double standard for Hitler references is most disturbing fact to come out of this. Granted Lisp Lou is senile. Compared to his analysis this is on the low end of gibberish to come out of his mouth. But still are we saying a white man can reference Hitler without being suspended and a black woman can’t?

Is that the message ESPN wants to send out?

Talk about an inconsistent application of the rules. Harold Reynolds is intrigued and would like to receive that newsletter.

Just chalk it up to his worsening dementia and move on. Until he accuses Mark May of being a parasitic space alien working for the CIA and blows him away with an elephant gun.

Either way ESPN is really going to have to bunker down and come up with a more consistent Hitler policy.

Posted in Coach Rich Rodriguez, College Gameday, ESPN, Evil Empire, Jemele Hill, Lou Holtz, Lou Lisp, Michigan Wolverines | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The day of the dark alliance occurred yesterday

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 21, 2008


Imagine what could happen if the two owners of the two biggest douche-bag teams have teamed up to form the biggest evil douche-bag company ever. Yes, you should be worried about this. Imagine the power that both Hal Steinbrenner (George would be involved but takes a silent stance in the process in order to pull the strings) & Jerry Jones can muster together. Are you scared? Yes? Then good you need to be because it’s happened.

Only appropriate that the two most evil empires in all of sports join forces. I was wondering who the villain would be in the new Justice League movie…

Daniel Kaplan and Don Muret of The SportsBusiness Journal are reporting that the two teams have gone in on a business venture together — a concessions company called Legends Hospitality Management. The Dark Alliance is formed.

Just from the name I can imagine a company that will be geared to help players like Pacman Adam Jones and Joba Chamberlin beat their alcohol problems. Actually I thought Legends Hospitality Management was the nursing home they put Steinbrenner in.

The Yankees and Cowboys each own a third of the company, with Goldman Sachs owning most of the rest for the first-of-its-kind venture.

Legends will manage regular concessions, suite catering and team stores at the new Yankees and Cowboys stadiums, which are set to open next year at a cost of more than $1 billion each. Legends also will pursue accounts in the major leagues, college sports and abroad, the sources said.

The first-of-its-kind initiative between two of pro sports’ star teams is the idea of Gerry Cardinale, the Goldman managing director who helped create the Yankees’ regional sports channel, the YES Network, and brokered the return of Alex Rodriguez to the team last year.

It’s funny how both these franchises are receiving new stadiums next season. Think about much an already overly priced hotdog will be now. I hope the Yankee and Cowboy fans enjoy their $10 hotdog and $18 beer because I imagine those items will be priced somewhere in that area.

So, I guess Cowboy and Yankee fans will have to overpay for big name but ultimately disappointing stadium fare.

It’s been said that the rich get richer and these two franchises somehow-someway manages to make money hand over fist even though they are failing in the win/loss columns.

Both Jones & Steinbrenner have spent a bunch of money on their current teams. And neither is getting much of a return on their investment. Just like the Yankees the Cowboys have the most inflated payroll in their respective league.

Yes, I’d like a RomoBurger, slightly overrated, with TOnions and hold the playoff wins.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, drunk, Evil Empire, Jerry Jones, new york yankees, Pacman Jones, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The AMI & the Porn Industry Support Jason Giambis’ All Star Mustache

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 10, 2008

Up until this year most Yankee fans would have told you that they hate Jason Giambi. He was just another overpaid underachieving cog in the Yankees evil empire. Then suddenly something happened, he grew a mustache reminiscent of the mustaches that the 70’s porn kings such as Ron Jeremy sports.

So let’s be clear on this. Jason Giambi wears a golden thong & sports a porn-stache all equal starting first baseman for the American League in this years’ all star game.

Of course Jason had some help. The American Mustache Institute (AMI) whose mission statement of “Protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans by promoting the growth, care, and culture of the mustache,” officially endorsed Giambis’ all star ballot.

“It doesn’t take a mathematician to figure out that Jason Giambi’s hitting prowess plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star,” said Aaron Perlut, Executive Director of The American Mustache Institute. “Giambi’s significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur – indicating great intellect and good looks – make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.”

Lip fur…lovely…oh & they made a video as well. Praising Giambi and man-loving his mustache.

The Yankees actually urged the fans in a press release to vote for Giambi and his porn-stache:

The New York Yankees are urging fans to “Support the ‘Stache” and vote for first baseman Jason Giambi on Major League Baseball’s Final All-Star Ballot.

Before this year the only thing Giambi delivered for the Yankees was an admission to using steroids but thanks to his golden thong and his Ron Jeremy like mustache he’s in the all star game.

All this is driving Yankees radio announcer John Sterling to act less than professional in the media dining room at Yankees stadium. According to the New York Post:

Yankees radio announcer John Sterling is being called out for foul behavior in the stadium’s press dining room. “Sterling has made a habit of walking over to the dessert table and dipping his finger into the ice cream barrel,” one stadium worker told us, adding that the play-by-play vet has also used the same tablespoon to repeatedly take samples. During the Boston series, “He wandered over to the cake and pie section, broke off a piece of a cake slice, ate it and wiped his grimy hands on the linen tablecloth, leaving the remainder of the slice for someone else to eat – which indeed happened,” our spy continued.

See what you can achieve with the support of the AMI and the porn industry backing you? The porn-stache is a powerful thing. But only a goatee like I and Boston Red Sox slugger Kevin Youkilis sport, can bring you the riches of a popular blog and your own sports drink.

Posted in Boston Redsox, Evil Empire, Jason Giambi, Kevin Youkilis, Major League Baseball, MLB, Mustache Fever, new york yankees, Ron Jeremy, Sox Rock!, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »