Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for the ‘Major League Baseball’ Category

Erin Andrews can take balls to her chin & this blog ain’t dead!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 9, 2009

What you thought you could kill us off that easily? Truth is I’ve been on vacation but I’m back now and look for me to be writing in full rotation starting next week. However let’s get on with this shocking Erin Andrews news. 

This is not a drill; I repeat this is not a drill. When I break this news please do not go running into the streets with blind rage and confusion. Please brace yourselves for the next paragraph. 

According to TMZ, ESPN’s sideline princess, Erin Andrews, was struck in the face by a foul ball by New York Mets player Alex Cora. 

 Andrews — who serves as a sideline reporter for ESPN — was struck in the chin by a foul ball hit by New York Mets player Alex Cora during the 4th inning. 

This DOES NOT give anyone the right to kill any Mets fans upon sight unless they were stupid enough to lose gold teeth in a toilet at Citifield or if you want to pretend it was a Yankees player that was the cause of this, then by all means kill away. 

I know the shock of this is unsettling. My first thought was: It hit EA’s chin and missed Dana Jacobson’s? No justice!!! But I’m able to control myself. 

Erin is OK. I repeat she is OK; she only suffered a bruised chin. 

I’ll keep you posted of any updates as soon as they are made available to me. 

Number of wins the Mets have in the last week: 1 Number of sideline princesses has been hit with a foul ball at one of their games in the last week: 1 …Christ…

Posted in Erin Andrews, ESPN, Evil Empire, Faceplant, failboats, Major League Baseball, New York Mets | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Darren Daulton is baseball’s Keith Richards

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 1, 2009

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Darren Daulton isn’t exactly a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and yes it’s possible he for took in some illegal drug taking during his fourteen years as a professional baseball player. However Daulton wants to set the record straight and let everyone know-he was absolutely high the majority of his year in the majors. 

Daulton appeared on the radio with Philly sports talk host Mike Missanelli, where the two discussed his current charity work, Schilling’s blogging expertise and the mess that Lenny Dykstra is in. The conversation naturally turned towards steroids which turned into drugs in general and that’s when Daulton let us know that he is baseball’s equivalent to Keith Richards. 

If I told you all the drugs that I’ve taken, Mike, you would open that up as a can of worms (laughing). I don’t feel that you or anyone else needs to know anything that I’ve ever done to respect me. No disrespect, that’s just the way I am. I feel if I told you all the drugs I’ve ever taken that would reflect on someone else. I can assure you, there’s probably no one in any sport that has taken more drugs that I have. And I think people still respect me. It’s not what goes in, it’s what comes out. 

Apparently Daulton is still doing these drugs of which he speaks if he thinks people still respect him. 

Actually, a funny part of the interview is when a fan calls in asking how the Phillies—2.5 games up on the rest of the NL East—can “turn it around.” Ah, the genius of sports radio. 

The photo is Daulton minus the mullet he wore for years proving that Rogaine is the one drug he will not take.                                       

Darren Daulton: “I Can Assure You There’s Probably No One In Any Sport That Has Taken More Drugs Than I Have.”[Sports Radio Interviews]

Posted in Darren Daulton, drugs, dumbass, Major League Baseball, Mike Missanelli, MLB, Philadelphia Phillies | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The latest from Ozzie Guillen signifies that baseball season has indeed started

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 29, 2009

Everyone who is anyone knows that baseball season isn’t really baseball season until White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen says something controversial. Welcome to baseball season boys and girls!!! 

I personally love Ozzie no matter what team he is coaching and I also personally hate the Cubs. So when Ozzie says something that is downtrodden about the Cubs my day get just a little bit better. 

The White Sox/Cubs series this past weekend was ready for craziness since this might be baseball’s most dysfunctional rivalry. Whenever Lou Pinella wasn’t screaming like a banshee at his own players he was taking some shots at people in the Chicago south side area. He pointed out the fact that there is a significant jump in attendance at U.S. Cellular Field when the Cubs take the bus downtown. 20,000 fans more showed up this past weekend than previous weekend when the Dodgers were visiting the White Sox. Luckily for us Ozzie was there and ready to go toe-to-toe with Pinnella and his barbs: 

“Because our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans,” Guillen said. “They know we’re [expletive].” 

Guillen said Cubs fans will watch any game at Wrigley Field because “Wrigley Field is just a bar.” 

I disagree, bars have nicer bathrooms. 

Gee…people say Ozzie is crazy however in this case he’s pretty much spot on. As a bonus you get to figure out what the expletive word is. 

I’ll take what is “badass motherfuckers,” for $500 Alex.

Posted in Chicago Cubs, Chicago White Sox, Lou Pinella, Major League Baseball, MLB, Ozzie Guillen | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

This video of a Yankee-Marlins fight that occurred in the stands should get some sort of an award

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 22, 2009

Who doesn’t enjoy watching a random fight in the stand between two people you don’t know? Let’s fact it majority of this country does. That’s why shows like Most Shocking Videos thrive on the airwaves. 

A great place to find a video of a random beat down is YouTube. However most are grainy because they were taken on cell phone cameras and none really capture the tragedy, thrills, trepidation and tear-jerking childhood suffering trauma like this video of an altercation from this past Yankees-Marlins series. This is the Godfather of all Youtube videos!!!! 

Naturally we do not know what started this however we can plainly see who finished it. The Yankee fan and Marlin fan are going toe to toe when the Yankee takes somewhat of a cheap shot in the form of a haymaker. Then Mrs. Marlin Fan jumps in a “stand by your man” moment of violence, all the while Marlin fan prepares to do his best “Superfly Jimmy Snuka” impersonation off the railing that sends Yankee fan tumbling. For some reason security isn’t around and of course there are people attempting to break up the fight. Then come the moment that shocks your system and melts the apathy from your dead heart when the camera pans to the Yankee fan’s young daughter crying her eyes out. 

Give credit to the cameraman for keeping cool in a tense situation and bringing this quality stadium fight to YouTube. 

That Yankees fan is just lucky that Little Guido only clotheslined him and didn’t put him in a Sicilian Crab.

Posted in Fights, Florida Marlins, Inspiring, Major League Baseball, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Japanese honor Dice-K with heated toilets

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 5, 2009

When the Boston Red Sox acquired Dice-K from the Seibu Lions they paid $51.1 million. If you’re wondering how they spent the money, well that’s simple: new toilet seats for everyone. 

Dice-K is still considered a God among the fans of the Lions. When he was a Lion the home field, Seibu Dome, was a bad shape. However since the team received such a large windfall of cash from the Red Sox they have turned a stadium that was falling apart into a new bright and shiny home field that is now tops in the Japanese league. They have installed the county’s largest video scoreboard, new turf for the field, upgraded the player’s lounges, new outfield fence, more seats and they gave gloves and uniforms to children. Just like the Shanghai Lions of the Chinese league, except the children make the uniforms and gloves for free. 

But the crème de la crème of the windfall is state-of-the-art restrooms, which are more spacious with floor to ceiling doors and heats toilet seats. 

“In Japanese custom, it is very important, the toilets,” Takahashi said during a recent tour of the stadium, which opened in 1979. “If you are comfortable in the toilets, then everything is comfortable.” 

Whereas the old facilities were dingy concrete latrines, state-of-the-art urinals line the men’s rooms along with high-tech hand dryers built into the bright blue and white tile – the team colors. But the main attractions are the new toilets with TotTo’s Warmlet seats in stalls with floor-to-ceiling doors. 

Each stall in the women’s bathrooms holds a Toto Washlet, a toilet and bidet in one unit. These $1,500 fixtures provide a luxurious experience for fans, who may spend their time in the restrooms contemplating the full extent of Matsuzaka’s legacy with the Lions.” 

The team says these high tech toilets are a tribute to Dice-K. To make Kenshin Kawakami feel at home the Braves turned a utility closet into a bukkake room. 

I, for one, cannot wait for college football season, and resuming the ongoing mockery of Lee Corso.

Posted in Boston Red Sox, Dice-K, Major League Baseball, MLB | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Letters of love: The whirlwind romance of Boston Red Sox owner John Henry

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 4, 2009

As a diehard Boston Red Sox fan I have a lot of respect for the owner of the team John Henry. Like many other owners of professional sports teams he knows what he wants and how to get it. Fortune, power, the Red Sox, a decent parking spot near Fenway Park and a fiancé that’s 30-year younger than him. 

Boston Magazine recently did a profile on the love affair about him and his fiancé Linda that tells the story of this love affair from beginning to now that took about 3 days to read due to the ridiculous length of it. The article reprints Henry’s late night email to her. 

“Dear Linda, 

A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn’t really. He doesn’t need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn’t think he has and what he thinks he wants. 

We probably wouldn’t have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts. 

So you will ask, “Why are you writing this?” Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little blue planet from my vantage point. 

We feted the Celtics tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed.

You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you. 

I barely know you. I don’t have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a woman he knows-even tabula rasa-with the attributes I believe reside in you. It’s the small things that ultimately matter. The subtle things. 

I am honest. I don’t play games. And I see no reason not to say that I’ve been smitten by you and you’ve done me a great service. 

You’ve very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer. 

So thanks. 

No response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he thinks he does.” 

Cue the panty dropping porno music. 

Ok now let’s look at this from Linda’s perspective: 

Dear Linda, 

I’m rich as fuck. You’ll be entitled to half of it in 15 years. Wanna fuck?

Yours in Christ, 

John W. Henry 

Anyone else think he wrote the letter by candle light, using a fountain pen and parchment? However I think John Henry clearly stole some of the lines from Thom Brennaman’s letters to Tebow.   

Whatever the case it certainly worked, the two lovebirds are set to married where death will most likely end this whirlwind romance leaving Linda to battle over the estate with Henry’s ex-wife and daughter.

Posted in Boston Red Sox, Major League Baseball, Romance, Sex, WTF | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Yankees slash ticket prices…but they still suck

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 30, 2009

In case you’ve been living under Andre Smith’s belly fat for the past six months then you know that the Yankees have a new glorious stadium. It’s new and shiny and a lot of homeruns have already been launched out of it, just not by Yankee players. Oh and another plus side of this new stadium is it doesn’t smell like piss and vomit…yet. 

One draw back to this new stadium is for reason they can never sell it out. Sure in one game they have more people in attendance there than what MLS can draw for an entire season but that’s not saying too much. 

Another disturbing thing about the new Yankees Stadium is they no longer sell Eveready batteries at the concession stands, only the fancy Energizer Ultimate Lithium ones. Those are way to expensive to throw at opposing players. 

So what do you when you’re located in a city that is over flowing with millionaires that love to flaunt their riches but yet can seem to sell the ever so TV friendly seats so they remain an embarrassment? Simple you slash the prices from highway robbery to dark alley mugging. The tickets have gone from $2500-a-game to the infomercial price of $1,250! Oh God what a bargain… 

The full-season Legends Suite and ticket licenses priced at $2,500 per regular-season game in sections 15A-B, 24B and 25 will be reduced to $1,250 per game. Those who have already purchased those seats will receive their choice of a refund or credit. The full-season $1,000 seats will drop to $650 per game with a similar policy. 

Those who have purchased full-season $2,500 seats in sections 16-24A, Legends Suite seats for $1,250, $850, $600 and $500 will receive a specified number of complimentary seats. The same goes for future purchases of such seats. 

The Delta Sky 360 suites in Sections 218A-222 will be reduced from $750 to $550 per game, with refunds/credits for those who already purchased. 

In order to encourage people to buy the $325 tickets in sections 115-125, fans will receive a specific number of complimentary tickets along with their purchases. 

This move has angered Keith Olbermann

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann, who owns three $850 Legends Suite season tickets, was unhappy prices were cut only for those with front-row seats while others will be given additional tickets.

Wow…he’s complaining about extra free tickets. That makes me hate him even more than before. Perhaps Mr. Olbermann can use the extra ticket to bring his ego to some games? 

Empty seats that are in the line of the TV cameras…Welcome to Atlanta, Yankees! 

In a related story, Jeter’s herpes have being downgraded from ‘flesh eating and horrific’ to ‘irritated and swollen.’

Posted in Major League Baseball, MLB, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

The question is: Will Prince approve of this new mouth guard?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 29, 2009

The next time you’re watching the Arizona Diamondbacks take a close look at Eric Byrnes while he’s in the batter’s box. You will notice that his mouth guard is well…purple. 

Bow down to the Purple Power mouth guard you peons! It was developed by a dentist in Nova Scotia. Can we really trust a foreign dentist even if it is Canada we’re talking about? This new mouth guard is also being embraced by Dustin Pedroia, Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard, among others. 

From the Arizona Republic

“I originally started wearing it because our trainers thought it could possibly help my hamstring,” the Diamondbacks outfielder said. 

Umm…I like many others who play touch football on icy soccer fields in the wintertime have pulled a hamstring and let me tell you it had nothing to do with a mouth guard. Can someone from the Diamondback management send Byrnes to an anatomy class at a local technical college? 

But the inventor of the mouth guard and mad scientist, Anil Makkar, states it’s true: 

“The jaw joint is actually the focus of power in the body because that is the most used joint in the whole body,” Makkar said. “So what we’re basically doing is trying to find the most comfortable position of that lower jaw. … It relaxes all the muscles in the face and allows you (to) use more of your upper and lower body strength.” 

I believe the testimonial by the Diamondbacks’ Mark Reynolds says it all: 

“It’s supposed to line your jaw up and help you breathe and a bunch of shit,” the third baseman said. 

You going to try it out? 


This will never catch on until Barney officially endorses it or until someone figures out how to put an advertisement or camera on it. Next thing you know players will be wearing oxygenated, energy necklaces or whatever the fuck those things are. 

For the record A-Rod’s been doing the homeopathic version of this for years. He just substitutes cock for a mouth guard.

Posted in A-Rod, Arizona Diamondbacks, Major League Baseball, MLB, Purple Power | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Yankees vs. Major League Soccer

Posted by Joel Jackson on April 27, 2009


The New York Yankees. One of sports money franchises. Someone once told me the Steinbrenner family has one of those money bins like Scrooge McDuck, where the family swims in gold doubloons from the $20 cups of beer. They have built a billion dollar palace to play in, and my friend John has told me that the stadium is the nicest stadium he has ever been in, no matter the sport. He should know, because he has covered the past 3 Olympic games and has been to events I could ever dream of going. The stadium has been a virtual launching pad for home runs and the fans are certainly entertained by the barrage of offense. At least, the ones that can afford the expensive seats.

Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer, took notice of the empty seats. He noted, in the context of a down economy, that the Yankees were having trouble filling those $2K per game seats. Of course, one would read that commissioner of MLS is willing to go down a path of futility when discussing someone’s lack of attendance. Even Donna Orender, president of the WNBA, dare not travel down this road.

Enter Randy Levine. Levine is the president of the New York Yankees. He also took notice of the coments that Garber said. Here is his response:

“Don Garber discussing Yankee attendance must be a joke,” Levine said Friday. “We draw more people in a year than his entire league does in a year. If he ever gets Major League Soccer into the same time zone as the Yankees, we might take him seriously.
“Hey Don, worry about Beckham, not the Yankees. Even he wants out of your league.”

Game. Set. Match. Levine. I am not a Yankees fan, but Levine just ripped this guy a new one. For starters, the Yankees do draw more people in a year than his entire league. They definitely have more revenue generated. I mean, I haven’t seen Kansas City Wiz caskets or Columbus Crew Tiffany style lamps. Also, Beckham is trying to take his MLS cash and play overseas. I still don’t even know how MLS is still even in existence.

Levine has been a controversial figure for the Yankees. He has been painted as the guy to blame for Joe Torre no longer being the manager of the team, he has been known as a tough negotiator within baseball, and has managed to amass great power throughout the organization. I think he was channeling his inner Steinbrenner. Of course, he should have tapped into his inner Theo Epstein and gotten the team some ground ball pitchers, or pitchers that can at least throw consistent strikes.

Posted in David Beckham, Major League Baseball, MLB, MLBPA, new york yankees | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Let the hate begin. It’s time for the Red Sox and Yankees to renew their rivalry for 2009

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 24, 2009

This weekend is one of the better sports weekends especially if you’re a Red Sox fan. That’s right Sox and Yankees renew their hate-fest. We all know the Yankees blow, my God they can’t even sell out that brand new stadium of theirs. 

David Ortiz has already issued a warning to Joba “The DUI Drunken Hutt” Chamberlain about throwing at the heads of Red Sox players. See in 2007 Chamberlain threw behind Youkilis’ head twice in one game. Then last July this occurred. 

Ortiz talked to reporters on Wednesday between games of a doubleheader with the Twins. 

“None of that, man – just play the game the way it’s supposed to be, and that’s about it,” Ortiz said, referring to Chamberlain. “This is a guy, as good as he is, the next step for him will be to earn respect from everybody in the league. He’s not a bad guy, but when things like that happen, people get the wrong idea.” 

Basically he is saying “Oh and please don’t pitch drunk.” 

Then again this is just another example of the Dominican Republic going out of its way to police other countries. See? And you thought I couldn’t pick on teams or players I like. 

The photo is a screen shot of CNBC’s Closing Bell during the Consumer Electronics Show of 2008. Don’t these guys know they don’t have to make degrading personal appearances until they’ve retired and shitted all their money away? 

Joba just can’t get away from the prison stripes look. Guess he’s preparing for his future 10-year stint when he pulls a Stallworth.

Posted in Big Papi, Boston Red Sox, DUI, Joba Chamberlain, Major League Baseball, MLB, new york yankees, Sox Rock!, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »