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Archive for the ‘Mitchell Report’ Category

Houston Astros: Marketing Geniuses

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 16, 2009

minute-maid-park

Living in Houston is a different experience from growing up in Memphis. For one thing, Houston is fortunate to have 3 sucky major league sports teams. Growing up in Memphis, there was the then Memphis State Tigers and the Double A Memphis Chicks. Big difference.

One of the things that amazes are the “big league” marketing campaigns that the teams come up with. When I first moved here in 2003, I was expecting glossy, complex slogans that would stick with me and make me wanna shell out $20 for parking, $5 for Cokes, $7 for Cokes in a souvenir cup, $8 for nachos, plus the price of tickets. I would use these marketing campaigns to justify spending $100 in one night. I mean, I could look at that souvenir cup that will fade after the first waash and say to myself, “The memory of spending $7 for a cup & drink that cost the team 30 cents to produce was worth it because I saw The Good Guys play”.

Piss on that. Apparently, the Houston Astros, a Major League Baseball franchise, has released its marketing campaign for the 2009 season. The slogan: Did You Miss Us? Seriously, a team that missed on the playoffs again and features one major league starting pitcher in its rotation tries to get its fanbase fired up, not by signing more starting pitching or bullpen help or by getting a catcher that isn’t scared to swing the bat, but by asking its fans Did You Miss Us? Thank God I am a Braves fan. To their credit, they could always get minor league coach and former Memphis Redbird fan favorite Stubby Clapp to be a coach for the big team. Imagine a bunch of Astros female fans holding signs saying “We Got Clapp” or “I Like my Manager Stubby”.

So after listening a little bit to 1560 The Game, I decided to come up with some slogans that the Astros can use for this year:

*Astros: We Sorry…

tsaynbxv

*Our Locker Room No Longer Says Whites Only!!!

*Bagwell’s Wife Is No Longer Here! The Kids Are Safe From Botox Monster!

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*$10 For A Beer & Minute Maid Park Has No Champagne Room (Yet)

*Got Pitching??? Seriously, We’re Asking.

*Season Tickets Are A Great Stimulus Package.

*Who Needs A Minor League System?

*Going On 2 Years Since We Had A Failed Marriage Proposal

*Who Said Our Mascot Looks Like The Nestle Quik Bunny?

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*Tracy “She-Mac” McGrady Doesn’t Play Here.

*Let’s Try To Have More Fans Of The Home Team & Not The Visitors This Year. Damn Transplants.

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Posted in Houston Astros, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, MLB, MLBPA | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Barry, Take A Deal

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 5, 2009

barrybonds

Barry Lamar Bonds, baseball’s home run king*, is screwed. According to court documents, U.S. Attorneys have everything from positive tests for steroids to phone conversations by his equally genetically jacked up trainer Greg Anderson.

So the documents are available to the public, and as a warning, they are lengthy. Judge Susan Ilston is expected to rule on a defense motion to suppress evidence, such as the urine samples, or allow the evidence to stay when the case goes to trial next month. But in the court of public opinion, he is guilty.

But the rabbit hole goes deeper than just a few positive piss tests. Barroid also took clomid, which is a common masking agent for athletes using steroids. What is clomid you might ask??? Clomid is a female fertility drug, used to induce ovulation. Side effects (I love this part) include ovarian enlargement, breast discomfort, abnormal uterine bleeding, and multiple births. Translation: If you see this guy scratching his tit and his mid-section is bloody, we know why. I don’t even wanna know where those multiple births are gonna come out of.

barry-bonds

One of the steroids that he is accused of using is nandrolone, a common steroid. It is so common that some of the people who have failed steroid tests include C.J. Hunter (one of Marion Jones former lovers), Roger Clemens (another dumbass), UFC great Royce Gracie, Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman, and Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle, formerly of the WWE and now currently in TNA Wrestling.

Of course there is the expected testimony of former players that either played with Bonds or were also caught up in the whole BALCO scandal from the beginning. Also, there could also be the possible testimony of Kimberly Bell, former girlfriend (side action, one in the chamber, jump off, chick on the side, ace in the hole) of Bonds. She has said in the past that Bonds talked about his use of steroids, including seeing him inject himself. Oh, for you 3 pervs reading this, she posed for Playboy. You can see the censored pics here. In that Playboy article, she also talked about his inability to “get it up”. I guess Clomid & Cialis doesn’t mix well. Too bad, because I would like to see Barry throw a football through a tire like the commercial.

kimberly-bell-will-be-in-playboy

I know that he is proud. It is that pride that got him in this mess. It is pure vanity that caused him to stick that syringe in his ass. He was a great player before all of this. Pride got the best of him. He better take a deal now, because he has been out of the hood too long. Once he gets behind bars, one drop of the soap and he will get his first prison style prostate exam…

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Barry Bonds, baseball, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, MLB, MLBPA, MMA, UFC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

It Goes From Bad to Worse for Clemens

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 1, 2008

As if being a liar, statutory rapist & all around asshole isn’t bad enough, the Rocket is continuing to make headlines.

Meet Angela Moyer a former bartender from Manhattan who lives in the Harrisburg, Pa., area. From 2000 to 2004 at Sutton Place, a yuppie East Side watering hole. That’s roughly the same time the pitching legend played for the scum-sucking Yankees.

Moyer acknowledged she knew Clemens, but has declined to discuss the relationship. She was spotted driving up to her father’s apartment house Tuesday night, but said only “no comment” when asked about Clemens. She then sped off. Yeah I’d hit it…twice!

Meanwhile McCready’s mother, Gayle Inge, later told various press outlets, “I know Roger was infatuated with Mindy.”

Former slugger Jose Canseco said he was stunned to learn his former teammate had an affair with McCready.

“I found out about it Tuesday and it took me completely by surprise,” said Canseco, who wrote in his first book, “Juiced,” that the legendary pitcher never strayed from his wife.

“I saw none of it. If it is true, he kept it secret.”

  • Clemens’ 2007 Yankee contract: $28 million.
  • Hummer H2 that he got as a retirement gift: $55,000.
  • Watching it all unravel priceless……..

Now here’s where it goes from bad to “Holy shit this sucks ass” bad.

Various News reports are circulating that Clemens had a relationship with Paulette Dean Daly, a former wife of champion golfer John Daly.

The reports say Clemens, a “married” father of four, arranged trips to Anaheim Stadium for Daly – the latest woman to emerge as an alleged Rocket flame – to watch him pitch for the Yankees against the Angels. Sources also said he spent time with her in Palm Springs, Calif.

The pair met at the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, a Palm Springs golf tournament that Paulette Dean Daly has been involved with for many years – including stints as a “Classic Girl,” one of the beautiful women who help in ceremonial duties at the event, sources said.

I believe these “sources” are lying she’s hideous.

“Yeah, I’ve known Roger quite a while and we are friends,” Daly said yesterday.

She declined to elaborate on the nature of her relationship with the pitcher, but did not deny allegations from several sources that it was romantic and included financial support.

Asked if she had been romantically involved with Clemens, Daly replied:

“You know what, I’m really uncomfortable talking about this. I’m just going to have to say, ‘No comment.’

“I know Roger. I consider him a good friend. That’s all I’m comfortable saying.”

Clemens’ relationship with Daly is said to have come after the end of her marriage to the hard-driving golfer. That was on the heels of a grim incident at the 1997 Players Championship, where the golfer was taken to a hospital with alcohol poisoning.

From the looks of her I would drown myself in alcohol as well. Sheesh.

The revelations of Clemens’ dalliances come as he and his lawyer, Rusty Hardin, pursue a defamation suit against former trainer Brian McNamee, who has accused Clemens of using performance-enhancing drugs & being an asshole. Neither of which as the Rocket disproved.

In an effort to discredit McNamee in January, Hardin circulated information about a 2001 incident in Florida where McNamee was investigated for sexual assault but was never charged.

Now Clemens’ flawed past is coming to light, which legal experts say is inevitable for anyone pursuing a defamation case because a successful injury claim depends on an undamaged reputation.

Hardin has argued that Clemens’ personal life is irrelevant to the issue of steroid and human-growth hormone use – a notion that is rather hypocritical considering he circulated the info on the 2001 incident.

Bottom line this would be looked at in any court. After all is he isn’t going to be honest with his wife, whom he took a vow with, then just who will he be honest with?

McNamee’s lawyers have said they will pursue sworn testimony from any mistresses who emerge, including testimony from country singer Mindy McCready.

Clemens, who is also under FBI investigation for perjury, has not spoken publicly this week about his situation and continues to hide behind his lawyer.

How many women are there? A girl a day? Every 15 minutes is one going to materialize from a bar or a trailer?

His attorney needs to find out what’s out there.

Posted in Brian McNamee, cheaters, legal troubles, Mitchell Report, MLB, Roger Clemens, secrets, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Breaking News Congress Cancels The Baseball Steroid Hearings!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 13, 2008

In move more shocking than controversial Congress has agreed to cancel the hearings involving steroid use so they can focus on more ways of screwing the American worker & Spy Gate as well.

A radical solution was reached late Tuesday night when George Mitchell revealed he was sick of the whole issue and has been talking with Vince Mcmahon the chairman of WWE Entertainment.

“Look this is boring the hell out of me now. I’m tired. What do you say boys, let’s grab a keg and watch the outcome of Pay-Per-View.” Mitchell said.

Vince McMahon’s solution is simple. In a phone interview with Mcmahon he stated:

“Mr. Mitchell has agreed to allow me to come up with a resolution and that’s what I have done. There will be a series four of battle royals involving all the names mentioned in the Mitchell report. The four winners of battle royals will then face each other in a Texas Death Cage match. Everything is legal and the first person who exits the cage will be declared innocent of all accusations” said McMahon.

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McMahon want on further to say “But that’s not all. There will be a special “Hardcore I Submit” match between Roger Clemens & Brian McNamee. Clemens will be managed by his wife Debbie and McNamee will be managed by Andy Pettitte. The first person that makes the other person say I submit will be declared the winner and get to spray paint the word “Liar” on the losers back. It’s going to be exciting! John Rocker will be the special guest referee. I can’t wait”

Chris Shays (R-CT) said “Hot damn! I love me some wrassling! Why didn’t we think of this before?”

This bonanza of a Pay-Per-View event is too held Sunday March 9th at a cost of $39.95. Contact your local cable provider for more details.

Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely the result of the unbalanced mind of the author. It is a fictional parody, and is not intended to be taken as fact. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with MLB, WWE, Congress & Debbie Clemens ultra fine self or any of their staff.

Posted in Brian McNamee, Mitchell Report, MLB, Roger Clemens, satire, steroids, Vince Mcmahon, WWE | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Posted by Joel Jackson on January 29, 2008

dontdrop.jpg

Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, armed robbery, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Auburn, bad calls, bad drivers, bad newz kennels, Bammers, baseball, basketball, BCS, bongs, boo birds, boosters, cheaters, classless, College Basketball, College Football, conVick, court tv, crazy, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, DAvid Stern, Dawgs, Dead Drunk, Discipline, divorce court, dog fighting, drugs, DUI, dumbass, Ed Orgeron, ESPN, FBI, Feds, Fines, fired, Florida, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, football, FSU, Fulmer, gambling, Gamecocks, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Georgia, Georgia Bulldogs, Go Vols, God, Goodell, guilty, Herban, Herban Meyer, ho, hooker, Houston Nutt, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, Johnnie Cochran, Judge Judy, killer, Kobe, legal troubles, Little Bitch, LSU Tigers, Major League Baseball, marcus vick, Marijuana, mary jane, Michael Vick, michael vick pleads guilty, mississippi state bulldogs, Mitchell Report, MLB, mobsters, moron, murderer, NBA, NCAA, New York Knicks, NFL, NFL Football, nickelback sucks, notre dame sucks, NRA, NWA, OJ, OJ Simpson, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, oliver stone, ookie, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Phillip Fulmer, pimps, pitbull, Po Po, Police, pot, Prison for Vick, refs, repo, Ricky Williams, riots, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, secrets, Sports, Stephon Marbury, steroids, stupid, taser, taxes, team spirit, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, The Juice, Touchdown Jesus, trader, trailer trash, ugly wives, upsets, Vick, Vick Plea, VIP Connection, vols, walk-on, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, whore, WVU, zeke | 1 Comment »

OK Clemens It’s Time for You to go on Reality TV

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

As some of you might have noticed lately, Roger Clemens seems to be in denial over the use of steroids. Quite frankly this fact alone is the reason why America can’t forget about the Mitchell Report.

Clemens is constantly reminding America that his personal trainer is lying even though the Mitchell Report also documents an incriminating paper trail as well. On December 26, 2007 Clemens’ lawyer began investigating the accusations made in the Mitchell Report.

“On Roger’s behalf, we are investigating the allegations about him contained in the Mitchell Report,” Clemens’ attorney, Rusty Hardin, said in a statement. “To our surprise, we have identified several people who logic dictates the Mitchell team should have talked to but did not. That’s troubling. We are asking questions and we encourage the news media to do the same.”

Of course Mr. Hardin fails to mention how Clemens refused to speak with Mitchell himself. Never mind telling the public that one little detail. As you know Clemens has sworn on “60 Minutes” that he was injected with “lidocaine and B-12” and not steroids or human growth hormone by former trainer Brian McNamee. He’s even made a video for You Tube.

On January 8, 2007 Clemens played the world some seventeen minutes of a taped conversation with former trainer McNamee. Over and over, Clemens makes statements like, “I just want the truth out there and like I said, I can’t believe what is being said,” And, “Just the stuff I’m reading and hearing, so much of it is untrue and it’s just tearing everyone apart.”

The fact that Clemens called him on a ruse to talk about McNamee’s sick child and secretly tape the conversation is rather disgusting. It should also be noted that McNamee never said he didn’t inject Clemens with steroids. Plus the conversation supposedly last over an hour and somehow only 17 minutes are heard…

Clemens has filed a deformation lawsuit against McNamee only to turn around and use it as an excuse not to testify before Congress. Thankfully Congress isn’t buying that.

Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn.), a member of the House Oversight Committee – the panel that will (eventually) question Clemens said he wasn’t convinced by the seven-time Cy Young Award winner’s performance on “60 Minutes”.

“With Roger Clemens’ body language, I’m not comfortable when he was making those denials,” Shays said.

Compared to Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco is looking pretty honorable. He testified before Congress without immunity. Critics scoffed at Canseco’s book “Juiced”, but apparently it was all true. If Roger ever appears before Congress, you can be assured that he will plead the 5th to every question.

But now it has all come to this…Roger really only has one shot of making his case, and that’s to appear on the FOX show “The Moment of Truth”. And wouldn’t you know it he even has an invite from the creator of the show.

It seem the shows creator can settle this whole issue for us without Congress, besides I’m sure they’re busy doing other things. (I hope) Here’s what the letter said that was from the shows creator to Roger’s agent.

Dear Mr. Clemens,

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Millions of people saw your recent interview with Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes.” Your struggle to clear your good name was admirable and I was moved by your frustration and your efforts to fight against these recent accusations. The ability to “un-ring” a bell is very difficult as I’m sure you know.

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Mike Wallace asked you in your interview if you would be willing to take a polygraph examination in an effort to settle the matter. As you may know, there is a new show coming to FOX on January 23, 2008, called “The Moment of Truth.” I am the Creator and Executive Producer of the show.

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The show is a very simple format: Participants are polygraphed prior to the show with between 50-60 questions. 21 questions are then selected to be asked from that examination during the taping of the show. Participants do not know which questions will be selected, nor do they know the results of the test. Participants can win up to $500,000 if they are able to go all the way to the 21st question.

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While the $500,000 may not mean as much to a person in your financial situation, I would like to offer you the chance to accomplish two things: 1) Clear your name by answering the steroid question on the show, and 2) Donate any money you win to any charity of your choosing.

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People have stood in awe at your incredible accomplishments in baseball. This show could let the world know that you are an incredibly courageous person as well to clear your name in front of a nationwide audience, all in the name of charity. I hope you will give serious consideration to this offer. We would love to be the opportunity for you to set the record straight.

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Sincerely,

.

Howard Schultz


Roger has yet to respond to the letter. Imagine That.

Either way it’s time Roger puts up or shuts up.

The only thing that America really has learned from the Mitchell Report is this:

Those that have the most to lose will take the most chances.

Posted in Liar, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, MLB, Roger Clemens, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »