Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Archive for the ‘suicide’ Category

Charles Barkley makes fun of Isiah Thomas and his suicide attempt

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 29, 2008

The round mound of rebound and potential 2014 gubernatorial nominee for the state of Alabama, Sir Charles Barkley, beat me to the punch in making fun of the suicide attempt of Isiah Thomas. Damn my work schedule.

Sir Charles while commenting on the state of the once great Knicks franchise made this remark:

In discussing ways in which the Knicks should be improved this season, Barkley said, “I think they have a better coach. This coach probably won’t try to kill himself.”

Barkley, usually not one to shy from potentially insensitive remarks, seemed to sense his attempt at humor had crossed a line. “That’s my fault,” he said.

Well the odds of attempted suicide go up astronomically with each year when one chooses to coach the Knicks, so I wouldn’t count my Kurt Cobains before they hatch.

In all honesty I don’t believe Barkley meant to make that quip. Charles is now my role model, whether he likes it or not.

I’m betting D’Antoni was watching the presser and slowly put the bottle down and put the pills down and for the first time in a month looked into the mirror and sobbed.

I guess that Charles still needs to figure out the old Tragedy +Time=Comedy equation a little sooner.

Charles for Governor!

Advertisements

Posted in Charles Barkley, dumbass, Isiah Thomas, suicide, TNT | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

College Football Week 5 is in the books & here’s what I learned

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 28, 2008

Ah how I love upsets and there were plenty for this week.

Well the Fulmer death clock continues to tick…as always be expecting a full game grade tomorrow after I watch a tape of the game today.

Don’t look now but UCONN is 5-0, you should expect them to be ranked.

Michigan State is a contender for now…but for some reason they always implode mid season.

Speaking of imploding, Syracuse actually led Pittsburgh but ultimately lost. There’s internet chatter about Lloyd Carr becoming the next Orangemen coach.

Clemson…WTF? Oh, wait my mistake…the annual Tommy Bowden fail is occurring.

Northwestern is 5-0 and Iowa still sucks.

The miracle that occurred in the Miami-North Carolina game was amazing to watch.

Gee. Urban…is fourth down and one yard to go. You trail by one with time quickly ticking away. Why didn’t you try the 49 yard field goal? Was it arrogance? At least update the play book and run something other than a Tebow keeper. Great win for Ole Miss and the Rev. Nutt.

Fresno state continues to win and I love it.

I’m getting sick and damn tired of seeing that stupid Olive Garden commercial that they were over playing last year.

I hate F$U when I pick them to win, they let down. Win I pick to lose they win. Bastards!

Look out Notre Dame is 3-1 let’s place them in the Top 5 stat!

Rich “Dirty Sanchez” Rodriguez gets a huge…huge win against a top 10 Wisconsin team.

I hope you enjoyed your visit to the top 25 East Carolina because it is officially over.

Wow…Navy beats Wake Forest…just how bad does the ACC suck?

Oklahoma should have scored more points than they did.

South Carolina struggled against a UAB team that Tennessee blew out…interesting.

Wow Miss. State does have an offense after all, to bad they lost though.

Look for South Florida to enter the top 10 this week.

Welcome back Virginia Tech. however the first year Nebraska coach actually helped your cause by getting a 15 yard penalty for “debating” a call with the ref.

I hope Ty Willingham has called North American Moving by now.

What can I say about Alabama…other than they cheat, but they laid it on Georgia. Anyone else notice that Nick Saban is sporting the Behr Bryant alcoholism red nose?

Don’t look now but Duke is 3-1 and the Virginia coach is probably and should be suicidal at this point.

Joe Pa rules bitches but give the fighting Zookers credit for keeping it respectable.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, Bama Cheats, Big East, big ten football, Big Twelve Football, Clemson Tigers, Crimson Tide, David Cutcliffe, Duke Blue Devils, East Carolina Pirates, fire philip fulmer, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, Georgia Bulldogs, Herban Meyer, Houston Nutt, Illinois Fighting Illini, Internet Rumors, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, jorts, Lloyd Carr, LSU Tigers, Miami hurricanes, Michigan State Spartons, Michigan Wolverines, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Nick Saban, North Carolina Tarheels, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, notre dame sucks, Oklahoma sooners, Pac 10 football, Penn State Nittany Lions, Roll Tide, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Skip Holtz, South Florida Bulls, suicide, Tennessee Volunteers, UCLA, Uga, upsets, Urban Meyer, Virginia Tech, Wisconsin Badgers, WTF, Zooker | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

What Do You Do, Coach Stew???

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 14, 2008

461753.jpg

Well what a banner day for West Virginia University. Freshman sensation Noel Devine, along with his 3 henchmen, were (finally) arrested for the Feb. 13 incident outside of Club Z. Apparently Devine took time out of his busy schedule of doing the Superman while at the club and started a little static. The 4 future brain surgeons have been charged with battery, and have pleaded no contest.

Now, this puts our new favorite undefeated coach Bill Stewart in an interesting conundrum. Earlier, he suspended 3 players for drug possession. A certain someone thought that Stewart would be up the creek when/if his star player was arrested. Well guess what has happened…

What does Stewart do??? Does he a) kick his star RB off the team and continue the precedent that he has set, b) tell the Mountaineer clan to wait until the legal process has been done (keeping in mind that he didn’t do that during the first incident, but could be spun as “I overreacted”) or, c) only suspend Devine and the Crew for spring practice, and still keep them fresh for the upcoming year???

Well if Stewart were an SEC coach, he would put Devine on “Double Super Secret Probation”, or take an approach similar to Thomas’ favorite coach, Steve Superior. There is also the ‘Bama approach where the charges “mysteriously” are dropped. How about police ride alongs, Fulmer style??? Whichever he decides will determine the course of the Mountaineer football season. None of this will matter much anyway, considering Jim Leavitt and the USF Bulls treat ‘Eers like their own personal chew toy. (Thanks Thomas. The one day this week I write and you beat me to the punch).

Oh, nothing major on the WVU v. Rodriguez case, but I did happen to stumble across this tasty morsel of news: The school is now getting sued, no less than by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the most trusted source of Mountaineer news. The school has not been entirely cooperative when it comes to the Freedom of Information Act (see Nutt, Houston). This goes back to the newspaper’s investigation into whether Gov. Manchin’s daughter actually earned her MBA, as the school’s records were “imcomplete”. Seems as though certain records, such as phone logs, e-mails, and other information has either been withheld or redacted from the newspaper. Now I am no lawyer (maybe LawVol can offer up some more details without going too much in boring detail speak), but I know enough about the FOIA that public records must be turned over in a timely manner, except those not required by law. Also keep in mind that school Mike Garrison is himself a lawyer by trade, and should be well-versed on such legalities. Maybe their legal department has been so busy trying to collect a check from Rodriguez that they didn’t think that they themselves could get sued. Isn’t it a great day to be a Mountaineer??? What is that I see??? I think those are the outstretched arms of the God of Mediocrityland, welcoming WVU back and sitting them next to Syracuse. How special…

Posted in Coker, College Football, Conspiracy Theory, Crime & Punishment, retarded, road rage, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Florida Bulls, Sports, Steve Spurrier, stupid, suicide, Superman, Syacuse, team spirit, trailer trash, ugly wives, University of South Florida, USA Today, USC, USF, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, WVU | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

I’m Planning On Stopping Cutcliffe from Committing Suicide.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 14, 2007

Well, by now I’m sure most of the readers out there have heard Tennessee’s offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe was in Durham, N.C., interviewing for Duke’s head coaching job Wednesday. Sure I’ve had my problems with Cutcliffe’s style of play calling in the past. However, I can not sit ideally by and watch the man commit career suicide either. So I’ll bite the bullet and take the head coaching job at Duke.

The only football coaches that go to Duke seem to die, except for the one man whose visor was touched by the finger of Satan himself, Steve Spurrier. And by Satan I don’t mean Nick Saban either.

Below is the official job description of the head coaching job as the Duke Human Resources website had it. After you read it, you’ll see why I’m a shoe-in.

  • Position Title: HEAD FOOTBALL COACH
  • Requisition Number: 400160742
  • Auto req ID: 13326BR
  • Location: Durham
  • Duke Entity: UNIVERSITY
  • Department Name: Football
  • Shift: First/Day
  • Full Time / Part Time: FULL TIME

Job Description

Occupational Summary

Direct and coordinate the planning, organizing and coaching of the Duke University football team.

Work Performed

Provide leadership and instruction in the personal and athletic development of student athletes at Duke University. Direct and coordinate the activities of the Football Staff in the planning, organizing and coaching of the Duke University football team; ensure compliance with University, Conference and NCAA policies and regulations. Direct the Football Staff in the preparation of analyses of opponent teams; analyze game statistics and tactical data of opponents and prepare game plans accordingly. Counsel team members in academic, disciplinary and personal matters; consult with University administration and faculty for resolution of problems as required. Assign geographical areas to and supervise the Football Staff in the recruitment of new players; determine recipients of football scholarships in accordance with University admissions policies. Determine fiscal requirements and prepare budgetary recommendations; monitor, verify and reconcile expenditures of budgeted funds. Direct various personnel functions including, but not limited to, hiring, merit recommendations, promotions, transfers and vacation schedules. Study, evaluate and implement innovations in football strategy and equipment. Represent the Duke University Athletic Department in professional, civic, charity and alumni events. Perform other related duties incidental to the work described herein. The above statements describe the general nature and level of work being performed by individuals assigned to this classification. This is not intended to be an exhaustive list of all responsibilities and duties required of personnel so classified.

Education

N/A

Experience

Prior collegiate football coaching experience required.

OR AN EQUIVALENT COMBINATION OF RELEVANT EDUCATION AND/OR EXPERIENCE

Notice anything missing from the description? I do. There’s nothing in the coach’s job description about winning. Sweet! I can do all the things that are listed in the description, especially discipline. God made cattle prods for a reason!

Duke has won 22 games in 13 years. They have had three losing streaks of 15 games or worse. Duke has three straight seasons with 10 or more defeats and is considered as one of the worst programs in 1-A history.

The main reason I feel qualified for this job is because I lead the Duke Blue Devils to the National Championship on my Xbox 360. Can Cutcliffe say that? Huh huh huh? No? I didn’t think so.

As for as experience, I was my middle school’s paper football champ back in the day, I ruled those desks. I believe I can take Duke to the top on that basis alone. All I have to do is win more than 6 games out of 45, I can do that.

So in order to save Coach Cutcliffe any embarrassment or worse another heart attack, pencil my name in that head coaches position. I will not beat Clemson, FSU or Wake Forest. However, I do believe I can beat any Big East team, Northwestern, Coach K & the players. So come on Duke take a chance. Go Blue Devils!!

So I profess on this day 12/14/07.

TtT

Posted in ACC Football, David Cutcliffe, Duke Blue Devils, suicide, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »