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Archive for the ‘team spirit’ Category

Toughest 81 Year Old in History

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 24, 2008

81. That is a significant number. Yes it is the number of a once entertaining, loud mouthed, suicidal wide receiver with a bad case of the drops. It is also the age of the toughest 81 year old coach in college football history, Joe Paterno.

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The stories of him are legend. He still runs everyday. He’s not afraid to get in the grill of one of his massive linemen. He still wanted to coach his team on the sidelines just a few days after breaking his leg. He once crushed a milk carton on his head and didn’t even look to see if he recognized the missing person on the other side. He has been an institution, both at Penn State and college football. He even has a class at the school where students get to examine his historical role with the media (in case underwater basketweaving is full). So why does he not have a contract after this upcoming year???

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To the left is PSU President Graham Spanier, who to me looks remarkably like Pres. King from Doonesbury. Anyway, apparently Spanier has twice before gone to Paterno back in 2004 to try to convince the coach to quit. It didn’t work last time and for some reason, I don’t think it will happen this time. Besides, if they get rid of Paterno, a new coach won’t come nearly as cheap as the old coach. Young guys are easily commanding on average $2-3 million per year. They aren’t paying Paterno squat currently.

Spanier does not know who he is messing with. Even the name of Joe Paterno should send shivers down his spine. He does not know the power of Paterno. He certainly doesn’t want to challenge him MMA style. JoePa will break him off and have his beating heart on a platter next to the All-American Slam at Denny’s. And please don’t let the servers tell JoePa about the Senior’s menu. He hates that. Run him off, you administrators at Penn State if you dare. When you see him pick up a briefcase and his trusty Winchester named Bessie, that will be your ass that he will put on a platter at Golden Corral. Just remember: All God’s creatures have their place, right next to the mashed potatoes. And Paterno is hungry…

Posted in Ass Whipping, BCS, big 10, big ten, big ten football, boo birds, boosters, bumrush, cat killer, classless, College Football, College Gameday, dumbass, ESPN, Fines, football, Football Poll, Internet Rumors, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, Lee Corso, NCAA, Penn State, Penn State Nittany Lions, satire, Sports, sports & stuff, stupid, team spirit | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

What Do You Do, Coach Stew???

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 14, 2008

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Well what a banner day for West Virginia University. Freshman sensation Noel Devine, along with his 3 henchmen, were (finally) arrested for the Feb. 13 incident outside of Club Z. Apparently Devine took time out of his busy schedule of doing the Superman while at the club and started a little static. The 4 future brain surgeons have been charged with battery, and have pleaded no contest.

Now, this puts our new favorite undefeated coach Bill Stewart in an interesting conundrum. Earlier, he suspended 3 players for drug possession. A certain someone thought that Stewart would be up the creek when/if his star player was arrested. Well guess what has happened…

What does Stewart do??? Does he a) kick his star RB off the team and continue the precedent that he has set, b) tell the Mountaineer clan to wait until the legal process has been done (keeping in mind that he didn’t do that during the first incident, but could be spun as “I overreacted”) or, c) only suspend Devine and the Crew for spring practice, and still keep them fresh for the upcoming year???

Well if Stewart were an SEC coach, he would put Devine on “Double Super Secret Probation”, or take an approach similar to Thomas’ favorite coach, Steve Superior. There is also the ‘Bama approach where the charges “mysteriously” are dropped. How about police ride alongs, Fulmer style??? Whichever he decides will determine the course of the Mountaineer football season. None of this will matter much anyway, considering Jim Leavitt and the USF Bulls treat ‘Eers like their own personal chew toy. (Thanks Thomas. The one day this week I write and you beat me to the punch).

Oh, nothing major on the WVU v. Rodriguez case, but I did happen to stumble across this tasty morsel of news: The school is now getting sued, no less than by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the most trusted source of Mountaineer news. The school has not been entirely cooperative when it comes to the Freedom of Information Act (see Nutt, Houston). This goes back to the newspaper’s investigation into whether Gov. Manchin’s daughter actually earned her MBA, as the school’s records were “imcomplete”. Seems as though certain records, such as phone logs, e-mails, and other information has either been withheld or redacted from the newspaper. Now I am no lawyer (maybe LawVol can offer up some more details without going too much in boring detail speak), but I know enough about the FOIA that public records must be turned over in a timely manner, except those not required by law. Also keep in mind that school Mike Garrison is himself a lawyer by trade, and should be well-versed on such legalities. Maybe their legal department has been so busy trying to collect a check from Rodriguez that they didn’t think that they themselves could get sued. Isn’t it a great day to be a Mountaineer??? What is that I see??? I think those are the outstretched arms of the God of Mediocrityland, welcoming WVU back and sitting them next to Syracuse. How special…

Posted in Coker, College Football, Conspiracy Theory, Crime & Punishment, retarded, road rage, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Florida Bulls, Sports, Steve Spurrier, stupid, suicide, Superman, Syacuse, team spirit, trailer trash, ugly wives, University of South Florida, USA Today, USC, USF, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, WVU | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

West Virginia Is Trying To Imitate An SEC School…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 7, 2008

Ah yes West By God Virginia. Apparently, if making the news for fake degrees, suing former football coaches, and, well, being West Virginia was not enough, now the football players are trying to imitate an SEC team. Which SEC team??? I will get to that in a minute…

New Mountaineer coach Bill Stewart has recently announced that LB John Holmes (insert porn joke here), DL James Ingram (no relation to soul singer of the same name), and RB Ed Collington (I got nothing here) are no longer on the team. They will be able to retain their scholarships through the end of the spring semester. These 3 geniuses were pulled over for speeding. When the police opened the car, they detected the smell of the “stickiest of the icky” commonly called in Gainesville Gunja-Aid or in Knoxville known as a Recruiting Tool (which obviously didn’t work due to the crappy signing class). Upon searching the vehicle, baggies of the “green stuff” were found both in the car and in Ingram’s shoe. Wait, it gets better: Ingram told the cops that more weed was located in their apartment. Try not to shake your head so hard.

So of course, thanks to a helpful hint from Deputy Barney Fife, the cops search the apartment and found a lot more drugs and bags. Now, because McGruff the Crime ‘Eer told the cops about the extra weed and baggies, they are facing several more felony charges than they would have been if he had just kept his mouth shut. Either he had a moment of clarity because he knew he was doing wrong, or that weed was so good that he just had to tell the cops in hopes they would buy some. Of course, I wonder where that weed will end up once the trial is over with. Someone should have told these 3 that couches are the thing to burn in Morgantown, not blunts…

Now I know which SEC team that WVU reminds me of, and honestly it only took a few seconds of reflection because well, this is West Virginia we are talking about. The school is Thomas’ favorite whipping boy, the University of South Carolina. Let’s examine a little further. Both the Mountaineers and the Gamecocks have losing all-time bowl records, neither school has won a national championship in football but their in-state rivals (Marshall and Clemson) both have national titles, both fanbases have an over inflated sense of entitlement, and both have had players that have done some of the most head scratching things to get in trouble with the cops that you can think of.

So there you have it. The Mountaineers and the Gamecocks are now 2 kindred spirits. West Virginia can say with pride that even though their athletics department is slightly more organized than Iraq circa 2003, they can say with pride that they are almost at an SEC level. Nothing will stop the ‘Eer and ‘Cock Connection from years of mediocrity and no glory to speak of. Long live ‘Eer and ‘Cock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted in ass chewing, bad drivers, BCS, Big East, bongs, classless, clemson, Clemson Tigers, Coach Rich Rodriguez, College Football, court tv, Crime & Punishment, Dave Wannstedt, Discipline, drugs, dumbass, Gamecocks, guilty, legal troubles, Major Harris, Marijuana, mary jane, moral victories, moron, mullets, NCAA, Old Ball Sack Coach, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Police, pot, road rage, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Football, South Carolina, South Carolina Gamecocks, stupid, team spirit, USC, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, WVU | 9 Comments »

This Is Why The Grizzlies Suck!!!

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 1, 2008

Ok, so I am a Grizzlies fan. I am proud to be a fan of my home town team. Memphis has been the “Susan Lucci” of pro sports cities for a long time, so when the Grizzlies moved in 2001, I was hooked instantly. The franchise has had some success since moving, making the playoffs twice. But when the team has been bad, it’s been horrible. I would hope those of you still reading this post (if you didn’t move on after reading this was a post about a sorry NBA franchise) would allow me to vent. After all, Thomas created this blog to show “how ALL sports teams suck”…

Today, the Grizzlies traded star forward Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for (drumroll please) center Kwame Brown, guard Javaris Crittenton, guard Aaron McKie, the rights to Pau’s younger brother Marc, and first round picks in the 2008 and 2010 draft. According to reports, the Grizzlies traded an unhappy star while in his prime and got cap relief in the process.

Let me translate what the Grizzlies got in return: the poster child of broken confidence and draft busts (Brown), another guard that they did not need (Crittenton), a guard who is old and on the inactive list (McKie), Gasol’s younger brother (who couldn’t even do squat against private school competition while going to school in Memphis), and 2 draft picks with a franchise that has been more miss than hit when it comes to draft picks. What the hell??? The Grizz might as well have just asked the Lakers for some bags of rice with all the magic beans they just got from LA. The team has been shopping Gasol for a while now and was rumored to go to the Bulls for a few actually good players (Gordon, Deng) but the best we could get back was Kwame Brown??? I think Woody Paige would have been a better fit for the team’s up tempo style, plus he is just as much of a stiff as Kwame Brown.

This is a franchise that doesn’t know what the hell they are doing right now. It is at best no more of an unmitigated disaster than post WWII Dresden. The team plays in a brand new arena with decent sight lines, you can get a $5 ticket to watch a game, and yet the team struggles to draw 10,000. When did the team become the Atlanta Hawks???

So what now??? I say they trade guard Mike Miller, build around Rudy Gay and Mike Conley and go from there. I am calling for owner Mike Heisley to sell the franchise to someone locally who will give a damn about the team. The team cannot relocate because of a city-franchise agreement, so sell to FedEx Founder/CEO Fred Smith, rename the team the Express or something related to package delivery, and call it a day. Or they could name the team the Bullets, since there’s millions of those flying around the city (though the Wizards may have an issue with that). The point being is that crap rolls downhill, and even though I said in the About the Wirters section that there are 547 Grizzlies fans worldwide, at this rate by this season’s end there will be 329. I will still be one, if only because my blood pressure is already high enough, so what the hell would a few more points matter???

As for what to do with the Pau Gasol jersey that I bought a few years ago (caught it on sale from Marshall’s when the NBA switched from Reebok to adidas apparel), I do have a solution, because we are a solutions-oriented blog:

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*Disclaimer: My dog Jake were harmed in any way for the making of this post. This is not Bad Newz Kennels in VA and am not in any way, shape, or form connected with Michael “Ookie” Vick, his child molesting little brother Marcus, or any other dog fighting members of the Vick family…

Posted in armed robbery, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, bad calls, bad newz kennels, basketball, boo birds, boosters, cat killer, classless, crazy, dumbass, ESPN, Grizzlies, Hawks, Internet Rumors, Kobe, Lakers, NBA, satire, scandal, stupid, team spirit, trader | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Posted by Joel Jackson on January 29, 2008

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Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, armed robbery, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Auburn, bad calls, bad drivers, bad newz kennels, Bammers, baseball, basketball, BCS, bongs, boo birds, boosters, cheaters, classless, College Basketball, College Football, conVick, court tv, crazy, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, DAvid Stern, Dawgs, Dead Drunk, Discipline, divorce court, dog fighting, drugs, DUI, dumbass, Ed Orgeron, ESPN, FBI, Feds, Fines, fired, Florida, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, football, FSU, Fulmer, gambling, Gamecocks, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Georgia, Georgia Bulldogs, Go Vols, God, Goodell, guilty, Herban, Herban Meyer, ho, hooker, Houston Nutt, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, James Dolan, Johnnie Cochran, Judge Judy, killer, Kobe, legal troubles, Little Bitch, LSU Tigers, Major League Baseball, marcus vick, Marijuana, mary jane, Michael Vick, michael vick pleads guilty, mississippi state bulldogs, Mitchell Report, MLB, mobsters, moron, murderer, NBA, NCAA, New York Knicks, NFL, NFL Football, nickelback sucks, notre dame sucks, NRA, NWA, OJ, OJ Simpson, Ole Miss, ole miss rebels, oliver stone, ookie, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Phillip Fulmer, pimps, pitbull, Po Po, Police, pot, Prison for Vick, refs, repo, Ricky Williams, riots, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, secrets, Sports, Stephon Marbury, steroids, stupid, taser, taxes, team spirit, Tennessee, Tennessee Volunteers, The Juice, Touchdown Jesus, trader, trailer trash, ugly wives, upsets, Vick, Vick Plea, VIP Connection, vols, walk-on, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, whore, WVU, zeke | 1 Comment »

OK Georgia Fans You’re Starting to Scare Me.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

I’m all for supporting all Tennessee athletics whether it is men’s or women’s sports. However I refuse to go to the lengths as these two die hard Georgia fans pictured below are going.

These two not so “Manly” men are pictured at a women’s University of Georgia Gymnastics event. I firmly believe that they are protesting the recruiting tactics of Urban Meyer. At least that’s what I’m telling myself to make the nightmares stop.

 

Posted in Florida Sucks, Georgia Bulldogs, team spirit, Urban Meyer | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »