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Archive for the ‘Terrell Owens’ Category

The T.O. experiment goes to Buffalo

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 9, 2009

Fresh off proving that Jerry Jones is a liar, T.O. has signed with the Buffalo Bills. This should help Buffalonians with their power bills in the winter time, considering Owens is full of hot air.

In his introductory press conference, T.O. claims that he “beat to his own beat.” which is one of the most retarded things I’ve heard from him. It’s also the slogan of teenage boys everywhere. So pretty much he just admitted to being a chronic masturbator, right?

With the signing of Owens, the Buffalo Bills go from being irreverent to “North America’s Team.” The Patriots: Haiti’s team, at least according to the amount of 19-0 apparel down there. I think he meant to say “South Canada’s Team”

Even though according to the very non-scientific (but more likely than not accurate) poll taken by ESPN, people across the world doesn’t want T.O. on their team. Regardless of the poll, the Bills are mavericks and signed him anyway.

Just a suggestion for ESPN… since you have at least 8 channels already (I know this because of that tournament on The Ocho) just please use one of them, and only one of them, for T.O., steroids, A-Rod, Barry Bonds, and all of the other bullshit that everyone is sick of yet you devote nearly every second to. Oh, and put Steven A. Smith on that list, too.

I would say that Owens will kill the Bills’ locker room however they really don’t have much of a locker room to kill at this point other than Trent Edwards. Then again Marshawn Lynch has one more gun-related incident left in him, he would be wise to turn in those “get out of jail free” cards and make it all worthwhile…

At this point the Bills and T.O. might very well be made for other. Let’s face it no one goes to Buffalo to play because they want to. Playoff caliber teams (and San Francisco) didn’t want Owens. Most were scared of his ability to disrupt team chemistry, no matter what his on-field numbers stated, and they’re wise to do it.

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Posted in Buffalo Bills, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

More reasons as to why the 2008 Dallas Cowboys are genuinely failboats

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 21, 2009

family-fued

As if we need to point out why the Dallas Cowboys are the most overpaid failboats in this year’s NFL, a new report has surfaced that points to one person and it isn’t TO (surprisingly).

According to the Dallas News there are reports of tardiness, lack of respect, crappy coaching and lastly there are Tony Romo’s horrible practice habits. I’m sure there are some Romosexuals that are in a tizzy now!

And I didn’t even mention that fact Tony Romo was continuing to be an industrial grade turnover machine.

According to five sources, several offensive players lost respect for [offensive coordinator Jason] Garrett for his failure to corral quarterback Tony Romo in practice. Romo, sources said, often forced throws in practice and often did not treat practice work consistently.

The quarterback’s practice habits were so bad, sources said, that they affected the way he played in games and could have factored into the offense’s problems.

Sources said Owens was upset that Romo directed more passes at tight end and close friend Jason Witten as opposed to the other receivers who he deemed open. Owens has declined to discuss that issue.

I for one, I am shocked. You’d never suspect discipline problems watching TO scream at Romo on the sidelines and the head coach looking like he just awoke from a coma.

However the last paragraph does indicate that maybe TO might have had a point a few months back. Of course this reports also states that well TO never really showed up on time to meetings so can you take him seriously?

Owens was a repeat offender in being late for team meetings, sources said. With the Cowboys needing to defeat Philadelphia to reach the playoffs in the season finale, Owens was late for a Dec. 23 meeting, citing traffic problems two days before Christmas. Owens declined comment on his tardiness.

Scrip clubs, Ed Werder, and Jessica Simpson obviously contributed quite a bit as well. There is only one move to make now Jerry Jones…Sign Michael Vick. He’s got the rap sheet you’re looking for AND the inflated ego, perfect.

Then again this Dallas Team reminds me of the 1995 Dallas Cowboys…oh wait they won the Super Bowl that year…never mind.

dalls-anti-star

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Evil Empire, failboats, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Broken Plays: Damn it college football season is over edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 9, 2009

This is officially the greatest picture ever to be posted on the web and it comes to us from the Third Saturday in Blogtober and boy do ever have an awesome recruiting update.

Alabama running back Glen Coffee has decided he’s good enough to go but not good enough to picked first and thus by the Lions has decided to go pro.

Just step away! Please!

Brett Favre is talking about retirement AGAIN!

“I’m an emotional guy, and I’m sure people are tired of seeing me get emotional. People would probably say, ‘Oh, here he goes again.’ I think it would just be better for me to just thank the Jets, and I sincerely mean that. It was well worth what I invested. But I’m going to just quietly step away if that’s what happens.'”

If Brett Favre’s retirement was at the center of the Clint Eastwood classic The Unforgiven then I’m sure this line would be said:

“You better bury Brett Favre right! Better not go cuttin’ up, nor otherwise harm no whores. Or I’ll come back and kill every one of you sons-o-bitches.”

Hey Brett, just pop a few vicodin and mull it over.

owens

Great TO thinks he’s a blogger now and has a blog on Yardbarker.

“On Cris Carter’s “shoot ’em in the head” comment:”All I know is, if I’d been the one who had said that about him, what would everyone have thought?”

Well my answer is… Not much, really. We would have just figured that you were being the same sanctimonious asshole you have always been.

Three of the four spots in this year’s NBA Dunk Contest field have been decided, but the fourth one, will be decided by a vote from the fans. I think Joe Alexander wants your vote.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Brett Favre, coach o, Dallas Cowboys, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, NBA, New York Jets, Tennessee Volunteers, Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Joel’s Crappy Weekend

Posted by Joel Jackson on December 17, 2008

Saturday

-Kid wakes up at 6:30 am, thus killing any dreams of having a lazy Saturday morning. A feeling suddenly comes over me, telling me that today will not be a good day for the home team.

-I almost lose my little girl at the park around 10:30 am. I now feel like a “Father of the Year” candidate. I took my eye off of her for 5.8 seconds to answer my cell phone & she was gone. Luckily, she walked over to the mounted cop’s horse. Instantly, I was relieved and told her not to give the horse candy. We didn’t want to end up like Kenny from Half Baked.

-Watch the Memphis Tigers give the game away to Georgetown in OT. They need a point guard in the worst way.

-Kentucky beat Indiana, thus killing my sweet Billy Clyde/Hoosiers I had thought about. Bastards.

-Got into it with the better half. Guys, always remember that women, although beautiful creatures, are mean and vicious when they choose to be. After arguing, it was couch duty for me. Life sucks.

-I found out Candace Parker married that monkey looking Duke boy, thus killing my dream of me and Candace…wait,I am already doing couch duty. Let me shut up.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Auburn, Billy Clyde, Billy Gillispie, Candace Parker, Dallas Cowboys, Duke, Georgetown Hoyas, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, houston, Houston Texans, Kentucky Wildcats, Lady Vols, Love Sucks, Memphis Tigers, New York Giants, Sports, Tennessee Titans, Terrell Owens, War Eagle | Leave a Comment »

Broken Plays for 10/23/08

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 23, 2008

Broken plays is collection of crap that I didn’t have the time to write about but I wanted to write something and since I’m rather pressed for time this AM let’s get to it.

In case you didn’t know Jerry “Hair plugs” Jones says Adam Jones checked into a facility “in another part of the country” to deal with his alcohol issue. The treatment plan is overseen by the NFL.

I can see it now:

*PacMan stands up at his first meeting.*

“Hello. My name is Adam and I have a problem. I done been here 3 hours and none of you bitches has showed me where the bar is. And where da strippers at man???? Where da strippers??? Get Jerry on da’ phone. This resort he sent me too sucks man!!!”

Has anyone notice how Fox Sports Charissa Thompson has really let herself go? See the above photo for a clear example. I bet Freddie Prinze, Jr. is determined to make her prom queen.

Rich Brooks had some not so nice things to say about the Kentucky fans from his press conference after last Saturday’s game:

“After the last two years? No, I don’t (think fans should have left) but that’s their prerogative,” Brooks said. “I wasn’t very happy at that stage of the game either and I’m looking for everything I can on the sideline to get our players back into it mentally. That’s part of the cascading affect that can have a real negative attitude on your football team. When those things happen around you you have to be strong enough to not let them affect you.

“I find it interesting about the perception of Kentucky football. What’s the ‘Bluegrass Miracle’? Now, you would think the Arkansas game might be better termed the ‘Bluegrass Miracle’ on the positive side so our ‘Bluegrass Miracle’ is a negative thing with Kentucky football. I find that very interesting. I find it interesting that you get more phone calls after a loss on the call-in shows than you do after a win. You might call that negativity, you know, the old glass half full, glass have empty.”

Support your team, Kentuckians!

Jay Cutler has started a war of words with Philip Rivers by saying:

“I have a stronger arm than John, hands down. I’ll bet on it against anybody’s in the league. Brett Favre’s got a cannon. But on game days, there’s nobody in the league who’s going to throw it harder than I am at all.”

His cameo in a South Park episode has clearly gone to his head. Notice since he started talking, his numbers have gone down. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

The Browns have suspended Kellen “I’m a MF’ing Soldier” Winslow for “unwarranted, inappropriate, and unnecessarily disparaging” remarks about the organization, as they put it.

What at first was reported as an undisclosed illness, which was then soon rumored to be “swollen testicles,” medically known as hydrocele. The truth turned out to be that Winslow was suffering from a staph infection.

“Regardless of how this was released the information would still remain the same,” Winslow said. “I contracted staph, again. I spoke out on this because I felt it was the right thing to do and that is why I was so passionate about it. This has nothing to do with football and this has nothing to with my current contract situation. This is a health concern.

“I care deeply for my organization, my teammates, and the Browns fans. At no time was I ever trying to cause distress for the team or be a distraction but the fact remains there is a health issue that needs to be addressed further.”

You’d think he’d be used to being treated like a piece of meat after sharing a locker room with Brady Quinn for two years.

Just to let everyone know, all the troubles Vince Young is having is apparently the fault of the media.

“I feel like they’re writing my legacy,” Young said. “They’re writing my story. I’m a great guy, a great humble guy. I’ve done a whole lot in my career in just three years and for [the media] to do stuff like that to try to make me look bad for some reason – I don’t know why – but they’re just writing my legacy.”

I know who I am, everyone knows who I am as a person. They know good and well, I ain’t trying to commit suicide or all that kind of crap. It was just a story everybody wanted to write. It was hot and everybody need to make their money, feed their viewers. I always get the bad end but I just brush that off and use that as motivation for myself.”

You know someone is humble when they point out how humble they are. I bet Jerry Jones approves of this response.

Young then trailed off for a moment, before yelling…”I drive a Dodge Stratus!!”

What a shocker A-Rod and Ho-Rod Madonna are romantically involved.

This will throw the scent off the gay trail! Because nothing says “Not gay!” like an insatiable Madonna obsession.

+1 to A-Rod’s PR people.

Apparently New Berlin Eisenhower High School football program has given R. Kelly a new idea for a new song. Thinking the restrooms were locked during halftime at a recent game against (I swear I not making this name up) Pewaukee High, the visiting Eisenhower players relieved themselves on the outskirts of the playing field.

Superintendent Paul Kreutzer tells the Journal Sentinel he has spoken with the players and says they showed incredibly poor judgment during halftime of Monday night’s game. Parents of opposing players agree. “I was very mad and I thought it was completely rude and uncalled for,” said Michele Bellows, whose son plays for Pewaukee’s junior varsity team. “I thought that they were making a statement like ‘the heck with you guys.’ ” Pewaukee Athletic Director John Maltsch admonished the boys and their coach over the public address system, saying “Coach, we do have facilities for your players to use.”

Ooooh. Urine some trouble now boys. According to the Flomax commercial, not only did these kids disgrace themselves, they are going to miss a photo op with their buddies.

I have just one pressing question. WTF is TO wearing? He looks like big old pass dropping bumblebee. Normally, T.O.’s barbershop quartet, The Pill Poppin’ Pen Pullin’ Prim Donnas, elect not to wear the yellow sweater.

Posted in A-Fraud, Alex Rodriguez, cleveland browns, Cry Baby, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Jerry Jones, Kentucky Wildcats, Madonna, Pacman Jones, Rich Brooks, T.O., Tennessee Titans, Terrell Owens, Vince Young | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

I’m not done with Wednesday’s update yet quite yet….

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 1, 2008

This has been an extremely busy week for stories involving NFL players that aren’t necessarily related to the heroism players show each and every Sunday. In fact most of them are very un-hero like. There’s so many that I don’t possibly have the time to write about them all.

So instead of writing boring stories with humorous & snarky quips, I’m just going to write a few lines and link them. After all that’s better nothing right? Yeah…that’s what I thought.

As we know former Tennessee God and Denver running back Travis “I gots 9 Mf’ing 9 kids” Henry’s baby mommas gots to get paid! Now since he is technically unemployed he decided to the next best thing and that is set up a drug deal involving cocaine.

Problem is he was busted. His new teammates Malice and Pusha T are disapointed and are dropping him from the Re Up Gang. Hey Henry remember don’t get Mile High on your own supply.

Terrell Owens still ♥’s his QB but hates “Sheshawn” Johnson.

“Then, Owens turned his attention to Johnson, who he referred to as “Sheshawn” on three separate occasions, the Star-Telegram reported.

(As the No. 1 overall pick in the 1996 draft) he is the ultimate underachiever on that (ESPN) panel. I am the reason he is in the booth,” Owens said. “Everybody is aware when I was brought to Dallas, he was the one they let go to get me here.”

And Sheshawn’s in the booth to replace Michael Irvin. ‘Cause Michael’s a crack head.

When Terrell ever gets fed up with Romo, ooh, what a nickname he has in store. Here’s a hint:

Remember when Steve Smith whipped Ken Lucas’s ass? Well now they are BFF’s forever!

“Smith scored his first touchdown of the season on a 54-yard pass from Jake Delhomme late in the second quarter, then presented the ball to Lucas on the sideline.”

Apparently Plaxico Burress has some issues with being tardy and is paying the price with fines. Sarah Palin’s daughter had that ‘late’ problem too, but mom wouldn’t let her throw money at her problem to take care of it. (Oh no I didn’t)

Eli Manning should hook Plaxico up with one of his Citizen watches.

Some people took the Georgia loss real hard over the weekend. Danny Ware a former Georgia player and current New York Giants running back took it extremely hard by getting drunk and arrested.

Ware and a 24-year-old Dallas woman attracted a police officer’s attention at about 2:25 a.m. Sunday at East Clayton Street near North Jackson Street because they seemed oblivious to traffic that had to steer around them as they stood in the street talking, according to police.

Ware admitted that he’d been drinking, and a breath test showed he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.152 grams, police said.

Lovely he wasn’t even driving he was just trying to get a hook up for later. I wonder if he feels worse about Georgia losing or the fact he’s a drunken pedestrian that was busted while wearing temporary Bulldog tattoos stuck to his face (“cheek flair”) which adds another level of humiliation.

This one is a little old however I meant to write about it. Apparently even though Pacman Jones broke the law several times, players on the Titians still respected him more than they respect Vince Young…you know the “leader” of the team.

“Vince definitely is going to have to win the locker room back. As bad as Pacman was when he left the building or at 3 o’clock in the morning, it never interfered with his football. He loved football. Loved practice. The guys loved him. Players are going to be on your side if you show that you’re going to help them win. Vince has to prove that to this team.”

Further proof that football players care mostly about whether their teammates are helping them win, something Young was not doing.

Not only does he have to worry if Terrell Owens will finally blow his lid but Jerry Jones must pay $25,000 to NFL for flapping his mouth about Ed Hochuli. Terrell Owens just laughs and laughs.

I’ll show love to baseball as well.

Even though he no longer coaches the Dodgers some people in San Francisco harbor ill feelings towards Tommy Lasorda by getting all pissy because he’s the grand marshal in the Italian American parade.

Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier wants organizers of the San Francisco Italian American parade to boot Tommy Lasorda as grand marshal … He’s the former manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, who’ve had “an intense rivalry” with our hometown Giants for years and “nobody embodies that more than Tommy Lasorda,” states the resolution … The Giants aren’t doing so great, it continues, and “Dodger fans are boastful and smug.”

For someone in San Francisco to call another person smug is rather hypocritical. Of course maybe they would prefer Joe Torre instead.

Everyone knows Eddie Vedder recorded a song for the Chicago Cubs right? Not to be left out the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have to have a song as well. However the best they could muster was Kevin Costner and his band “Modern West” penning them a diddy titled “It’s All Up To You.”

The song can be heard here, but be forewarned that one listen may cause cerebral hemorrhaging, blindness & the sudden love of shitty music.

Just in case you want to sing along, though:

“You got to swing for the fence, give a hundred percent,

“Dust yourself off, get up and do it again.

“You’re the only one that can make your dreams come true.

“You’re the only one, it’s all up to you.”

Posted in cocaine, Cry Baby, Dallas Cowboys, Danny Ware, Dawgs, Denver Broncos, drugs, drunk, Georgia Bulldogs, Jerry Jones, Major League Baseball, New York Giants, NFL Football, Pacman Jones, Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Volunteers, Terrell Owens, Tommy Lasorda, Tony Romo, Vince Young | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Pacman joins the Cowboys & Jessica Simpson starts stripping. Coincidence?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 5, 2008

According to the other “World Wide Leader in Sports” the Sun newspaper, Jessica Simpson has been giving Tony Homo Romo a strip show via a web-cam. She is doing it to keep the romance alive. But I think this is a way for the Cowboys to keep Pacman out of the strip clubs.Somehow T.O. is involved with this but I haven’t made that connection…yet.

The Shocking part: Jessica Simpson knows how to work a web cam.

A pal said: “Jess has no problem showing Tony her favourite ‘PUSSYCAT DOLLS‘ routine. She will dance in front of her camera until she makes her man happy.”

Jessica makes sure her web cam shows are for Tony’s eyes only according to the paper.

The pal added: “Jess does get paranoid, making sure Tony doesn’t have any of his Cowboys buddies peeking in on the show.”

This can only end with videos winding up on the internet then again Peter King does the same thing for Brett Fa***.

Posted in Adam Jones, Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Jessica Simpson, NFL Football, Pacman, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo, Web Cam Strippers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Get Your Popcorn Ready & Have Your Parents Keep a Bail Bondsman on Standby

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 18, 2008

TO’s newest BFF.

Kids it’s time for the Terrill Owens football camp. Owens will be hosting his third Youth Football Camp at Duncanville High School in Dallas, Texas, July 9-10 and he’s bringing in some special guests. So special you parents might want to have a bail bondsman there “just in case.”

“I am very excited for the third season of my youth football summer camp,” Owens said in a statement. “The camp is committed to teaching kids how to improve their football skills and increase their knowledge of the game. I’d also like them to understand that their activities off the field are just as important as scoring a touchdown. In past years, everyone has learned a lot and they’ve had a great time. I’m looking forward to another fun year.”

The camp is $195 per child and is open to children between the ages of seven and 17. Never mind the fact that Owens recently signed a four-year deal with the Cowboys worth $34 million making him one of the highest paid receivers in the league, so go in daddy’s wallet and steal borrow a credit card. (Don’t forget about the special 3 digit security code on the back.)

Guest number one will be former world record holder in the 100-meter dash, Maurice Greene. Who had this to say:

“All sports are turning to one thing – speed, running fast is all about the technique of how to do it. I have to look at the kids to see what they’re doing wrong.”

Greene might bring his buddy Mexican discus thrower Angel Guillermo Heredia. Greene paid Heredia $10,000, which Heredia claimed was in payment for performance enhancing drugs. Greene admitted meeting Heredia and making the payment, but claimed it was common for him to pay for “stuff” for other members of his training group,

With these two together you will be able to run faster and bulk up quickly. However TO & his “guests” are not responsible for any ball shrinkage that might occur.

Guest number two is Michael Irvin who will offer advice on how to avoid the mistakes he made like how not to get caught with cocaine or get how not to get caught with inflicting a two-inch cut like what was in the neck of Dallas guard Everett McIver while some team members were getting haircuts.

TO & his “guest” are not responsible for future arrests or getting fired from a job at ESPN.

Guest number three is none other than Adam “Pac Man” Jones. Of course you’ll be able to learn how to make rain, slap “scrippers”, vandalize nightclubs and withhold information from the police concerning small things like a shooting that might leave a bouncer paralyzed.

Hopefully more guests like Tank Johnson can come. Tank can show you how to build an illegal arsenal weapons.

If enough kids sign up maybe there can be a petting zoo provided by Bad Newz Kennels and a boat rides sponsored by Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.

So get your popcorn ready and better make sure you have air-tight alibis.

Posted in bad newz kennels, Bail Bondsman, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, Fred Smoot, Michael Irvin, Pacman Jones, T.O., Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Tony Romo Escapes an Attempted Murder Charge

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 13, 2008

In apparent attempt to murder a stadium full of Cub fans. Tony Romo tried to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” He obviously hates the Cubs and their fans worse than me. I do love how people booed him when he was introduced. Maybe this is the real reason T.O. broke down into crybaby bitch after losing in the first round of the playoffs.

WARNING LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! MY EARS ARE STILL BLEEDING FROM THIS!!!!

Vodpod videos no longer available. from vodpod.com posted with vodpod

Posted in boo birds, Chicago Cubs, Cry Baby, Dallas Cowboys, Major League Baseball, MLB, murderer, Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

T.O. Learns That Tears Like Tebow Can be Costly.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 30, 2008

It was revealed that the tears of Terrell Owens cost him $769,120 yesterday. Shyam Das an arbitrator ruled against T.O. and the NFL Players Union.

The union disputed the Eagles’ effort to recover $1.725 million of the $2.3 million signing bonus the team paid the wide receiver when it signed him to a seven-year, $48.97 million deal in 2004.

When asked about the ruling Das said:

“I would have given the Eagles franchise the entire $1.725 million but that little bitch Owens starting balling like a baby. Just because I’m a court appointed arbitrator who holds two separate degrees, doesn’t mean I’m heartless.”

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said this month he plans to pay Owens a $3 million roster bonus, so the All-Pro should have some extra cash to pay the Eagles.

“The original roster bonus was $1.5 million but his whining and crying was giving me a headache”

Tony Romo was quoted as saying:

“Great just I need another bitch calling me in the middle of the night and crying on the phone.”

To sum things up:

T.O. says “Get your popcorn ready!”

The NFL says “Get your checkbook ready!”

Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely the result of the unbalanced mind of the author. It is a fictional parody, and is not intended to be taken as fact. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the Philadelphia Eagles, NFL & T.O.’s cried out tear ducts or any of their staff.

Disclaimer to the first disclaimer: I borrowed some most of the wording for the disclaimer from Lawvol at Gate 21. Since he’s a real lawyer I hope he doesn’t mind.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Little Bitch, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »