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Archive for the ‘tommy Turbeville’ Category

The Book of Numbers Chapter 13 (NIV)

Posted by Joel Jackson on June 2, 2008

There was once a man named Bobby, who was excited about the upcoming Tide football season, but was a little concerned because the team still had the pagan Shula’s recruits left. Bobby would putter along like any other member of the Saban Nation, spending his days stockpiling Scott Toilet Tissue whenever Walgreens had a sale on it, and kissing the altar of his holiness The Bear. Tuscaloosa wasn’t heaven, however Bobby felt as though it was heaven on earth.

He would remember his days as a youth as Bear brought in the best of the best to maintain the team’s rightful dominance in college football. His heart was very joyful when Stallings won another championship and the cash flowed throughout the town of Tuscaloosa, both around the team and at the local t-shirt shop. He even remembers seeing the prophet Logan Young on the sidelines, credit card in hand, to provide the players with the finest liquor, drugs, strippers, whatever was needed for the good of the Tide Nation, and Bear looked down from heaven and was proud.

However, Bobby’s faith has been a little shaken. The Tide has been a punchline lately, and the program has not won a championship in what seems like years. Even with the arrival of St. Nick the Magnificent, the Tide still cannot vanquish the in state goat lover’s to the south or the nutria in Louisiana. The only bright spot has been the annual trips to Shreveport to enjoy whatever there is to do in Shreveport.

Bobby was now down and out. His childhood memories of ‘Bama glory has now been replaced with images of Dee Snyder looking strippers hugged up with Coach Price, Shula’s gold chains, stolen textbooks, and losing 6 straight to Tuberville. There just hasn’t been enough Golden Flake chips in the world to bring the good memories back. One day, during the 7th inning stretch of the Montgomery Biscuits baseball game (the only team winning championships in the state these days), he had a vision after visiting his friend John at the Biscuits souvenir stand. His faith in the Tide would be restored, because St. Nick the Magnificent has just appeared in front of him. He then told Bobby:

“Verily I say unto you, my child, that thy faith has been shaken. Why??? Be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings about the Crimson Tide have betrayed you. I have wined and dined with kings and queens, and I beseech you, my child, to have faith. Have you forgotten that I am a direct descendant of Bear himself??? Did you not remember that I vanquished the mighty Vols by my mastery and cunning alone??? I have unlimited resource$ at my disposal. Remember when Julio Jones put on that crimson hat on signing day??? Why have you lost your faith???

Bobby replied “My Prophet!!! You are not short like all the liberal left wing nut job papers report that you are. And your hair is so perfect and has a silky sheen to it. Do you use Prell???” To which St. Nick the Magnificent replied:

You mean to tell me that is the response that I get??? Typical. How can these people afford to pay me $4 million per year with such dumb ass responses??? Oh well, West Virginia will be open in a couple of years. Listen son, have faith in me. I am great. I have put downtrodden programs back on the map and have a national championship to my credit. The problem is that right now we are still trying to weed out Gold Chain Shula’s players that he recruited. In a few years, we will be competing for that SEC West crown in no time.”

Bobby was now feeling much better. His faith had been just about restored, but he had to ask the following: “What about Auburn???

“For there is a great eagle to the south that soars high and wide over the stars that fell over Alabama. The eagle has posed little to no threat to life as we speak until recently. But verily I say unto you, Bobby, ye of the “fine” public educational system in Alabama, that we shall vanquish that eagle and the Tide will roll once again. Fear not, my child, for lo, I will be with you always (until my next fat paycheck). Continue to drink out of the Biscuits souvenir cup that has just touched the hem of my garment and you shall be transported to a happier time.”

It was then that Bobby woke up, pissy drunk in Montgomery County jail on charges of public intoxication after consuming 64 oz. of moonshine at a Southern League baseball game. It seemed that his friend John was an Auburn alum and alerted the police of his drunkenness…

Posted in Alabama, Alabama Crimson Tide, alcoholics, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Auburn, College Football, NCAA, Nick Saban, Roll Tide, satire, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Sports, Tommy Tuberville, tommy Turbeville, War Eagle | 1 Comment »

Tommy Going Back Home???

Posted by Joel Jackson on November 30, 2007


Let me start off by saying this: Who would have thought that Mississippi State would be the model of coaching stability this year???

My friend Chris, diehard Razorback who lives in Fayetteville, called me this morning and said that one of the local news stations was reporting that Tommy Tuberville would be the next head coach at Arkansas. KNWA is reporting that “There is still a chance the situation can change but KNWA firmly believes the Auburn coach is close to an agreement.”

As I told Chris, Tuberville has a good thing going at Auburn. Sure, the facilities are not near the caliber of some SEC schools like Florida, Alabama, or Tennessee, but if it were me, I would not leave Auburn for Arkansas. Now I can understand if Tuberville still holds a personal grudge against boosters about the whole “Petrino to Auburn” thing while he was still the coach, but that school president is gone and that has not happened since. Of course, Chris used the famous Bear Bryant (he’s with Jesus you know) quote when he left Texas A&M to coach Alabama, “Mama called, and when Mama calls you gotta go home”.

Here’s my thing about anyone going to Arkansas: Remember what happened to Houston Nutt last summer??? Ever heard of the Freedom of Information Act??? Some of their fans have. For the most part, Razorback fans and Arkansans are nice and respectable people. But they sure have heard of FOIA’s, and some of them are not afraid to use them at the drop of a hat. If you use a state issued credit card to get 2 dozen Krispy Kremes for a coaches meeting, now you are unhealthy and need to go on a diet. If you make a call on a state issued cell phone to your local Jiffy Lube to ask how much an oil change is, now all of a sudden you’re not supporting the local cash cow by going to Wal-Mart to get your car serviced. If you drive your brand new state issued Chevy Suburban with OnStar to the local movie house to watch the IMax version of “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, now you practice witchcraft. Does anyone see how things can get twisted???

I still call b.s. on this for now, but then again, you just never know what will happen. It would be a good move for Arkansas, a bad move for Tuberville, and now throws Auburn’s name into those colleges who need a new coach.

Posted in All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas, Arkansas Razorbacks, Auburn, Bear is Dead, Houston Nutt, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, secrets, Sports, Tommy Tuberville, tommy Turbeville | Leave a Comment »

The Revelations After a Saturdays Worth of Football Week 8

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 22, 2007

Better late than never, I’ve been busy rejoicing Boston’s miracle comeback of the Cleveland Indians. Here are this weeks revelations after a Saturday of college football.

The real test for Ohio State begins this upcoming weekend.

I heard the interview with Les Miles after the thrilling ending of the LSU game, he honestly believed there were 16 seconds on the clock when the ball was snapped…boy was his team lucky.

Oklahoma looked boring.

The upset of South Carolina shouldn’t surprise anyone, they are 88th in total offense and Vandy has the SEC’s 3rd best defense, but it is funny. 🙂

The rematch of Florida and LSU in the SEC championship game is eagerly awaited.

Oohh Cal lost to UCLA…or as I like to put it…the only team Notre Dame can beat this year. I’m sure Abarclay is a happy camper right now.

Kansas is 7-0…and yet no one cares.

Bye Bye Texas Tech, Missouri just crushed you.

Has anyone noticed that since Mike “I’m 40 I’m a man!” Gundy went on his rant, his team has played extremely well?

Virginia is quietly putting together a good season.

Clemson scored 70 points…which is 3 points higher than their collective IQs

Miami and Florida State played yesterday…does anyone care?

Please…for sake of not burning anyones retinas, do not wear this hideous uniforms again Notre Dame. It’s not like they helped you at all.

Anyone else notice that Appalachian State lost again yesterday?

Michigan played well without their running back.

Houston Nutt’s Arkansas team beat the cajan hell out of Ole Miss, but he’s still in the hot seat.

Iowa is back to sucking at full force.

Texas A&M won the “Lame Duck Head Coach” bowl. Callahan is hopefully gathering boxes to pack his stuff in.

With Auburn and Tennessee both having 3 losses this year, will below be the scene this time next year?

So I profess on this day 10/22/07.



Posted in ACC Football, Appalachian State, Arkansas Razorbacks, Auburn, big ten football, Big Twelve Football, Bill Callahan, Boston Redsox, Cal, fire philip fulmer, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, FSU, fulmer sucks, Houston Nutt, Iowa Hawkeyes, kansas jayhawks, Les Miles, LSU Tigers, Miami hurricanes, Michigan Wolverines, Mike Gundy, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, notre dame sucks, ohio state buckeyes, Oklahoma sooners, Oklahoma State Cowboys, ole miss rebels, Pac 10, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, southern cal, Texas A&M, Texas Tech Red Raiders, tommy Turbeville, UCLA, University of California berkeley, University of Southern Cal, upsets, Vanderbilt, vandy, Virginia Cavaliers | 1 Comment »

The Revelations After a Saturdays Worth of Football Week 5

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 30, 2007

Wow upset Saturday has come and gone. So for fun I’m going rate each upset with a scale going from 1-10. One being not that big of an upset and 10 being holy shit God must hate that team upset.

  • #5 West Virginia @ #18 South Florida. Upset factor 6. It was a home game and WVU hadn’t played anyone worth a damn all season, plus South Florida just has their number.
  • #21 Penn State @ Illinois. Upset factor 7. Even though I would have picked Penn State to win this game, if you recall I did mention in Week 1 that the Fighting Zookers Illini were getting better and it will show this season.
  • #3 Oklahoma @ Colorado. Upset factor 10. In week one I stated that this Buffalo team would be a force in 4 years, but after this game it will be more like 2. Bob Stoops is probably pissed off and shocked right now, so maybe he’s thinking of going somewhere else, like say Tennessee. 🙂
  • Kansas State @ #7 Texas. Upset factor 5. If it wasn’t for the fact that this was a home game for Texas the factor would have been lower. I’ve been saying all year that Texas is highly overrated, because they have been flirting with disaster all season. This is a good K-State team, they gave Auburn all they could handle earlier this year, plus they beat Texas last year.
  • #13 Clemson @ Ga. Tech. Upset factor 4. It was home game for Tech, and Clemson always falls apart right about now. Not to mention that Chance was back in the lineup & Tech is a completely different team when he is leading them on the field.
  • Maryland @ 10 Rutgers. Upset factor 5. Only the fact that this was a road game raises the factor to 5. By all accounts one can make the claim that Maryland could have been 3-1 going into this game. Rutgers hadn’t played a team with a pulse all season. It’s funny everyone was talking about Rutgers being the team the beat in the Big Least, I guess Maryland proved them wrong.
  • #22 Alabama @ Florida State. Upset factor 1. Alabama had no business being ranked to begin with. Plus was a neutral field in Jacksonville. Which really means 80% of those attending were FSU fans.
  • Auburn @ #4 Florida. Upset factor 7. I know shocking right? As previously stated in the posting about the game, Turbeville is one of the best road coaches in the country. Turbeville is to Florida as Spurrier is to Tennessee.

Other things I noticed

If USC (the one that wins titles) keeps making mistakes like they did last night, they will not survive their PAC 10 road schedule.

With all due respect to Minnesota, Ohio State & ESPN 2, no one cares about this game!! You could have shown a better game like Georgia & Ole Miss.

Wisconsin incredibility is still the team to beat in the Big Eleven Ten.

Though they lost Michigan State will still have a great season.

Woodson for Heisman! Woodson for Heisman!

Notre Dame is 0-5. They might be able to afford to fire Charlie “the Jabba” Weis, but I’m sure the athletic director of Notre Dame, the same one that fired Willingham, is feeling the noose tighten around his neck.

Oh look Iowa lost again. That’s because they SUCK!

Dave Wannstedt should be calling a moving company right about now.

Washington has some homely looking cheerleaders.

Texas Tech worked out any sexual frustrations they might have had by scoring 75 points.

I see Mike “I’m a man I’m 40!” Gundy’s whipped lowly Sam Houston State.

There could be a QB controversy brewing at Notre Dame.

I received my first injury of this football season by dropping the remote on my foot. Don’t worry I’ll tough it out.


Right now South Florida is the number

one team in the state of Florida!!!! 😉

So I profess on this day 9/30/07.


Posted in A. Woodson, ACC, Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn, Bama Bangs, Bama'zoids, Bammers, big 10, Big 12, Big East, big ten, Big Twelve Football, Bob Stoops, Charlie Weis, clemson, College Gameday, Colorado Buffalos, Crimson Tide, Dave Wannstedt, Dawgs, ESPN, Fighting Illini, fire philip fulmer, Florida Gators, Florida State Seminoles, Florida Sucks, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Illinois Fighting Illini, Iowa Hawkeyes, K-State, Kansas State Wildcats, Kentucky Wildcats, Maryland, Michigan State Spartons, Mike Gundy, Minnesota Gophers, Nick Saban, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, notre dame sucks, ohio state buckeyes, Oklahoma sooners, Oklahoma State Cowboys, Ole Miss, Pac 10, Penn State Nittany Lions, Ron Zook, Rutgers, Sam Houton State, SEC, South Florida Bulls, southern cal, Texas Longhorns, Texas Tech Red Raiders, The Big East, tommy Turbeville, tyrone Willingham, University of Southern Cal, upsets, War Eagle, Washington Huskies, West Virginia Mountaineers, Wisconsin Badgers, Zooker | Leave a Comment »

Turbeville Saves his Job as Auburn Drain the Gators in the Swamp.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 30, 2007

All the jorts, mullets, badly body painted fans and home cooking referees couldn’t prevent Auburn and the band of Bama bangs players from draining the swamp and defeating Florida on the road. Irony can be a bitch sometimes, on the very day that MSNBC ran a story that states Urban Meyer credits last seasons national championship to the loss to Auburn, the gators lose to them yet again.

“When Florida coach Urban Meyer walked into the locker room after losing at Auburn last season, the scene was surreal.

There were tears, tirades, fights and finger-pointing.

“It was wild,” Meyer recalled. “It was a tough deal. One of the coaches said we’ve got to get this thing under control and I said, ‘No, let it go.’ So we let it go for about 15 minutes. I wanted them to clear the air.

We cleared the air and we dried everybody’s eyes and we had a State of the Union on Monday – where we’re at, where we need to be, where we want to go and how are we going to get there.”

The Gators regrouped and responded better than anyone could have imagined. The defending national champions haven’t lost since.

The fourth-ranked Gators (4-0, 2-0) have won 11 straight since that upsetting – and unifying – 27-17 loss at Jordan-Hare Stadium last October.

Wait you had players crying? There’s no crying in football! Damn! Well, that 11 straight game win streak went down the toilet tonight. On the night that saw the legendary Wilbur Marshall be inducted into Florida’s “Ring Of Fame”, an 18 game home win streak was snapped thanks to great defense and leg of a true freshman kicker. Meyer let Marshall down, he’s such a dick head.

Yes Auburn fans feel free to steal use the pic.

“On a day filled with upsets, Auburn turned in one of the biggest.

Freshman Wes Byrum kicked a 43-yard field goal as time expired to lift the Tigers to a 20-17 victory over fourth-ranked Florida on Saturday night.

The loss snapped an 11-game winning streak for the defending national champions and gave the Gators their first home loss under coach Urban Meyer. They had won 18 in a row, 17 straight since Meyer took over in 2005.

It also might have jeopardized Florida’s chances of repeating. Then again, with all the other upsets Saturday, the Gators surely won’t slip too far out of the picture.”

Watch for stories in the media that might address the home cooking refs that officiated the game. Example: a Florida player cleanly caught a punt and was immediately tackled, a flag was thrown and the ref stated Auburn interfered with the catch. Needless to say Tommy Turbeville was lived, and had to be restrained by the defensive coordinator Will Muschamp, who for the record would make a good head coach at a school say….ummm….Tennessee. Turbeville also received a flag for his protest. Questionable calls have always plagued the SEC, but the in last 5 years they have been especially horrible.

“Auburn (3-2, 1-1) played sound defense, prevented Tim Tebow & Co. from making many big plays and took advantage of several mistakes to build a 14-0 lead at halftime.

The Tigers held on from there.

Byrum attempted the winning kick, just as Meyer called timeout. The kick was true, but Byrum had to do it again.

He did, and it was right down the middle.

Auburn used the final 4 minutes to set up the winning field goal. Ben Tate ran for 18 yards on the drive and Brandon Cox found Rodgeriqus Smith twice for 16 yards.

Byrum did the rest.

The Tigers rushed the field to celebrate and performed the “Gator Chomp” everywhere in front of 90,685 at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.”

I wouldn’t count Florida out just yet, this season so far has been crazy. I would like to apologize to Auburn for the bad things I said about them when they lost to South Florida. I also stated that I would pull for Alabama in the Iron Bowl, that & the other things were said out of anger, besides I could never pull for Bama. Auburn might the best road team in the SEC for the past 5 years, Turbeville is 4 & 0 verses Florida, and 4 & 0 verses teams ranked in the top five. Alabama fans have had a good laugh at Auburn expense this season, but they aren’t laughing tonight. Bama lost to Florida State & there’s no excuse for that. So tonight it seems this is a duel victory for Auburn… and to the rest of the SEC click clack I think you hear Auburn coming.

So I profess on this day 9/30/07.


Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, All SEC Teams Beware!!, Auburn, Florida Gators, Florida Sucks, fulmer sucks, refs, SEC, SEC Coaches, Tebow, tommy Turbeville, upsets, Urban Meyer, War Eagle | 6 Comments »