Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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Posts Tagged ‘A&E’s Intervention’

Barry, Take A Deal

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 5, 2009

barrybonds

Barry Lamar Bonds, baseball’s home run king*, is screwed. According to court documents, U.S. Attorneys have everything from positive tests for steroids to phone conversations by his equally genetically jacked up trainer Greg Anderson.

So the documents are available to the public, and as a warning, they are lengthy. Judge Susan Ilston is expected to rule on a defense motion to suppress evidence, such as the urine samples, or allow the evidence to stay when the case goes to trial next month. But in the court of public opinion, he is guilty.

But the rabbit hole goes deeper than just a few positive piss tests. Barroid also took clomid, which is a common masking agent for athletes using steroids. What is clomid you might ask??? Clomid is a female fertility drug, used to induce ovulation. Side effects (I love this part) include ovarian enlargement, breast discomfort, abnormal uterine bleeding, and multiple births. Translation: If you see this guy scratching his tit and his mid-section is bloody, we know why. I don’t even wanna know where those multiple births are gonna come out of.

barry-bonds

One of the steroids that he is accused of using is nandrolone, a common steroid. It is so common that some of the people who have failed steroid tests include C.J. Hunter (one of Marion Jones former lovers), Roger Clemens (another dumbass), UFC great Royce Gracie, Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman, and Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle, formerly of the WWE and now currently in TNA Wrestling.

Of course there is the expected testimony of former players that either played with Bonds or were also caught up in the whole BALCO scandal from the beginning. Also, there could also be the possible testimony of Kimberly Bell, former girlfriend (side action, one in the chamber, jump off, chick on the side, ace in the hole) of Bonds. She has said in the past that Bonds talked about his use of steroids, including seeing him inject himself. Oh, for you 3 pervs reading this, she posed for Playboy. You can see the censored pics here. In that Playboy article, she also talked about his inability to “get it up”. I guess Clomid & Cialis doesn’t mix well. Too bad, because I would like to see Barry throw a football through a tire like the commercial.

kimberly-bell-will-be-in-playboy

I know that he is proud. It is that pride that got him in this mess. It is pure vanity that caused him to stick that syringe in his ass. He was a great player before all of this. Pride got the best of him. He better take a deal now, because he has been out of the hood too long. Once he gets behind bars, one drop of the soap and he will get his first prison style prostate exam…

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Barry Bonds, baseball, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, MLB, MLBPA, MMA, UFC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Matt Jones was just “Holding” the Drugs…(Yeah…Right…Sure)

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 16, 2008

On advice from some snot-nosed attorney, Jaguars wide receiver & former Arkansas QB, Matt Jones isn’t squealing like a razorback about being charged with felony possession of cocaine.

However his pappy, Steve Jones, eager to get on TV issued a statement to KNWA-TV in Fayetteville, Ark., stating his coked up dumbass son is denying that the drugs belonged to him that ultimately led to his arrest and thus me mocking him.

“Matt is anxious to make a statement and wants to make a statement,” said the statement issued to the television station. “His attorney has advised him to not say anything until they have had a chance to speak together. They will release a statement at the appropriate time.

“We want to make it clear that Matt was not in possession of any drugs,” the statement continued, “but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt. He does not claim any responsibility for the drugs.”

You tell’em pops! Of course by that logic there must have thousands maybe even millions of people falsely arrested and prosecuted for drug possession.

But…for some reason the police report seems to tell a different story and really helps to that theory out of the water.

Jones was spotted in the backseat of a Toyota 4Runner when an officer on foot patrol saw him with a “white powdery substance and in his hand, a credit card that he was using to chop up and scrape the powder.”

When asked by the officer if the powder was cocaine, Jones said, “Yes.”

You know that’s an old SEC football player pastime. Getting stopped by the Po Po and admitting that the drugs that were found were yours and then deny it in the media. South Carolina players do it all the time.

What would have made this story perfect is if the police officer embellished the report a little by saying “then Jones took a big snort of said power and uttered ‘My God I can’t feel my face.'”

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Arkansas Razorbacks, Crime & Punishment, drugs, dumbass, jacksonville jaguars, Matt Jones, NFL, SEC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Heaven Help Britton Colquitt

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 8, 2008

The last time I wrote about Britton Colquitt people said I was harsh. I still stand by what I wrote today however Colquitt is claiming to have learned his lesson with some help of course.

The DUI arrest that occurred in February cost him his football scholarship, a five-game suspension and was an embarrassment to his family and to the University of Tennessee.

Britton says he will change a thing.

“God’s teaching me a big lesson, what to prioritize in my life, and I’ve leaned a lot from this,” Colquitt said Monday after pleading guilty to DUI in Sessions Court.

“I wouldn’t go back and change it if I could. It’s made me somebody I need to be in the future.”

Not to sound too cynical here but nothing helps people find God like the criminal justice system. I just can’t stand people claiming they have found God, or were given a message from God, or anything religious without something to back up that claim.

Way too many times, people have said that God gave them a lesson, saved them, and changed them, etc…..then a year later something else happens.

I would rather Colquitt (or anyone else) go 10 years without an incident…..then point to the period of time where they were changed by the influence of God.

I just would like some action before claims of being touched by God. There are too many people giving glory to god…..without giving glory to god if that makes any sense.

I’m also tired of people referring to arrests as “mistakes”.

At the same time I recognize that sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can start your way back up and yes there’s a real possibility he is sincere in his words at least I hope he is.

The charge was amended to first-offense DUI and Colquitt received the standard penalty:

A suspended sentence of 11 months, 29 days; suspended driver’s license for one year; $350 fine and court costs; 24-hour detention and 24-hour litter pickup; attend DUI school.

“I’ve been through a lot because of myself, the actions I’ve made and the decisions I’ve made,” Colquitt said. “I just wanted to get it over with and take my punishment and not try to fight it.

“Just learn from my mistakes, move on and make me a better person.”

Factoring in a series of alcohol-related incidents in September 2003 when Colquitt was an incoming freshman, Coach Fulmer revoked Colquitt’s scholarship and suspended him the first five games of the 2008 season.

He will suit up starting with the Oct. 11 game at Georgia.

“It’s tough,” Colquitt said. “You realize what you’re missing.

“I know when the season comes around and I’m having to watch five games, I’ll really appreciate those last seven. Just being able to take the field will be a lot more of an honor. I took it for granted before.”

“I kind of got lost again in my ways, in the things I was focusing on in my life,” he said, “and it led me back into kind of the same thing.”

Colquitt requested Monday to report Friday morning to serve the remainder of his 24-hour detention. He is credited with 10 hours following his arrest.

He returns to Sessions Court on Aug. 11 to check progress on his probation.

I still feel that he should not be allowed on the team. Too many young men sacrifice so much of their lives to be a part of such a proud tradition. He does not deserve to wear the uniform.

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Big Orange, Britton Colquitt, drunk, DUI, Go Vols, God, Rocky Top, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Lance Armstrong has the Power to Turn You into a Crack Addict

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 20, 2008

Everyone knows the accomplishments of Lance Armstrong.

  • Testicular cancer survivor, a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs in 1996
  • Won the Tour de France seven consecutive times, from 1999 to 2005
  • The most hated man in France
  • Porked singer Sheryl Crow
  • Founder of Lance Armstrong Foundation
  • Currently porking Kate Hudson

Let’s add another accomplishment to the list. Armstrong is the reason “Chad” is a crack addict at least that’s the excuse he used on A&E’s Intervention.

One former teammate claims: Lance Armstrong was already a big star at that point. I think a lot of the young riders that were there were in awe of somebody like that. Chad wasn’t necessarily somebody in awe of anything.”

Some other former douche bag teammate: “Chad walked up to Lance and called him a ‘doughboy’ and pushed his belly in and Lance got really upset.”

Chad our heroic crack head: “Needless to say, the next morning I was asked to leave the Olympic Training Center.”

I’m glad there’s no such thing as personal responsibility anymore. Life’s unfair and it’s all Armstrong’s fault. Never mind the fact the guy poked Armstrong and called him a ‘doughboy’ it’s Armstrong’s fault that Chad is such a pompous asshole as well.

Does this mean the yellow Livestrong bracelet is now considered drug paraphernalia? “Chad” might be on to something here. My life sucks and I’ve turned to drugs to cope with it (caffeine & the new dark chocolate M&Ms) it must be Lance’s fault!! That bastard!

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Crack, drugs, Lance Armstrong, Livestrong | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »