Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Posts Tagged ‘Atlanta Falcons’

Atlanta residents hide your pups. I have Bad Newz, your protocol son might be arriving anytime now

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 27, 2009

You might remember that back in December of 2008 I reported about how America’s favorite dog killing QB, Michael Vick, was getting set to be released to a halfway house. Well, there was a little problem with that idea; the halfway house in question apparently had no room to house Vick. So, being the ever brilliant public servants that they are, officials have decided to send Vick home as in Atlanta to old house.

Vick will be required to wear an ever fashionable electronic monitoring device (I’m hoping for a Shock Collar or an Invisible Fence Collar) and not leave the premises. Of course there is the chance that Vick won’t have a home too go to, which would really make thing interesting.

I wonder if Vick knows that he has been secretly replaced by a non name-brand ACC quarterback.

Vick’s official parole date is this coming July which means he start training for the 2009 season however the Falcons have been trying to trade him since Feb. 12, but not team is stupid enough to want him. Only a team with fans who are a bunch of crazy assholes would go for Vick. Wait, Favre just retired, right?

I, for one, think Cincinnati is a great destination for him. That way, when he comes to Cleveland, half of the Dawg Pound will have nooses on their necks, which would make any bore-fest between Cleveland and Cincinnati somewhat entertaining.

Pity the XFL didn’t last. Think the UFL might grab him a la Doug Flutie?

Posted in Arthur Blank, Atlanta, Atlanta Falcons, bad newz kennels, dog fighting, Michael Vick, NFL Football | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Playoffs?!?! Playoffs?!?! You’re asking what our NFL playoff picks are?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 2, 2009

Yes it’s time for our NFL playoff picks. Let’s all hope they are more accurate than some of our college bowl picks….

Atlanta at Arizona

  • Joel says: In the Battle of the Pigeons, I like Atlanta. *No dogs were harmed in the making of this pick*
  • Thomas says: As much as I like what Atlanta was able to accomplish this year, but I think Arizona will get back to their winning ways.

Indianapolis at San Diego

  • Joel says: Indy but in a close game. The Colts are rolling now.
  • Thomas says: I love the Colts in this as well.

Baltimore at Miami

  • Joel says: Ray Lewis and his merry band of thugs will be a cut above the Dolphins.
  • Thomas says: Chad Pennington will continue to taunt fans of the Jets by leading the Fins to their first playoff victory in years.

Philadelphia at Minnesota

  • Joel says: Fly Eagles Fly, on the road to victory…
  • Thomas says: Even though the Eagles are coming off a fresh ass-raping of the Cowboys and their fans are scary at times…I believe Minnesota will prevail and the ramblings of getting rid of Andy Reid will be reborn.

Posted in Andy Reid, Arizona Cardinals, Arthur Blank, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Indiana Hoosiers, Indy Colts, miami dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, NFL Football, Philadelphia Eagles, San Diego Chargers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

And now a look at the NFC teams after week 2

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 17, 2008

NFC East

  • Dallas Cowboys: I hate this team but I’ll give them credit they’re good, The mindset is Super Bowl or bust however the defense isn’t as stout like people think they are.
  • New York Giants: Eli and company are not going to sneak up on everyone like last year however right now they are playing with swagger.
  • Philadelphia Eagles: This is the best Eagles team there has been in years. They will rebound from the recent loss to Dallas. Let’s hope Desean Jackson got stuffed in a locker last Monday night after that dumbass move of dropping the ball before he broke the plain.

  • Washington Redskins: Stout defense and the offense is coming around. This might be the toughest division in football next to the SEC East.

NFC North

  • Green Bay Packers: Brett who? Rogers is playing well enough to make people forget about the previous QB.

  • Minnesota Vikings: Winless…the QB sucks but they have the talent to turn it around.
  • Chicago Bears: Notice how much better this team is since Rex Grossman is not QB. Nasty Defense.
  • Detroit Lions: Still suck. John Kitna desperately wants to be a Packer since he threw more balls to them in the fourth quarter then he did to his own team

NFC South

  • New Orleans Saints: I think there needs to be a national Reggie Bush taunting day. If Bush doesn’t grow up and have a break out season this year, consider him a bust.
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gruden loves his QB’s but I question the decision to sit Garcia over Griese. Nevertheless they are looking good so far.
  • Carolina Panthers: What a surprise they have been so far and just think they have yet to play a game with the ass-kicking Steve Smith.
  • Atlanta Falcons: Actually beat Detroit during their first game, but then again it Detroit. However I believe they will be better than last year.

NFC West:

  • Seattle Seahawks: Winless…and things aren’t looking up they are so desperate for wide receivers they are thinking about signing Koren Robinson.
  • Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner looks like the Kurt Warner of old. Teams better pay attention to this team.
  • San Francisco 49ers: Still a sorry team but a better team than last year.
  • St. Louis Rams: The sorriest of the sorry. The coach was put on notice yesterday. He should save face and resign.

Posted in Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, Philadelphia Eagles, San Francisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Steve Smith, Tampa Bay Bucs, Washington Redskins | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »


Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 26, 2008

The following was written by Gray of Left On Lanier, who has allowed us to publish this. All the credit goes to him and him alone. This is hi·lar·i·ous.

Yes but for how long?

Yes but for how long?

Bobby Petrino, is an American football coach and an asshole. He is currently head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, but that could change by the end of this article.

Early Years

Petrino was born on Osama Bin Laden’s birthday (March 10) in Montana. He reached his peak of maturity 13 years later. He remained an emotional invalid through his college career as quarterback for Carroll College.

Coaching Career

Petrino became offensive coordinator at his Alma mater in 1985, helping Carroll College became the highest scoring team in the NAIA division. This distinction means nothing, since NAIA football is not real football. Petrino shows no emotion. He then started chasing jobs like Johnny Knoxville chases death. He worked at Weber State, Carroll, Weber State (again), Idaho, Arizona State, Nevada, and Utah State in the next ten years. Bobby likes the barren southwest. Its desolate landscape, long lonely expanses, and unforgivable terrain reminded him of his own vacant soul.

Petrino cried once, didn’t like it, and never did it again.

In 1997, Petrino went to Louisville. Then he went to Jacksonville. Then he went to Auburn. Then he returned to Louisville. His wife got tired of this shit.


Bobby Petrino is still currently the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

The Louisville Years

His wife got tired of this shit. In 1997 he became coach at Louisville (again) and decided he’d settle down for the rest of his life, or at least for four years or so. During this period, Petrino interviewed at Auburn, LSU and the Oakland Raiders.

Louisville got tired of this shit. After having some success and demonstrating one of the keenest offensive minds in real college football and not that NAIA crap, the Louisville Administration took control. The emotionally crippled Petrino agreed to a ten year, 25.5 million dollar contract on July 13, 2006 to remain their head coach and quit interviewing for every possible job within a 300-mile radius.

The Atlanta Months

This sumbitch signed a five year deal with the Atlanta Falcons less than six months later. Upon arriving in Atlanta, his star QB was accused of sneaking marijuana on an Airtran flight. Soon afterward, one of his players broke his leg in a jet-ski accident, another player was arrested for punching a dog in the face, his third string QB blew out his ACL. This was the good part.

Soon his star QB raised the ante by bankrolling a dog fighting operation, smoking pot while awaiting sentencing, and getting sent to Federal Prison. Petrino started Joey Harrington, for God’s sake. Soon, he replaced Harrington with a black guy that broke his ankle and bruised his tailbone, and then another guy who hadn’t played in the NFL in several years and sold insurance door-to-door in 2006. His team went 3-10. Petrino got tired of this shit.

Less than 24 hours after coaching the Atlanta Falcons in a nationally televised loss, Petrino accepted the job as the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. He didn’t even wait for the END OF THE SEASON IN HIS FIRST YEAR. He had 3 jobs in 2007. Petrino makes Jeff George look stable.

The Arkansas Hours

Petrino is currently (still) the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Trivia about Bobby Petrino

Petrino has had more jobs than Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

He has coached at 11 different places, 3 of these places TWICE. That’s a lot of freaking moving.

He has no allegiance to any team, or fan, or institution. He will lie to you.

Petrino doesn’t smile, as it is seen as weakness in most primates.

Listen. And understand. Bobby Petrino is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Posted in All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas Razorbacks, Atlanta Falcons, Bobby Petrino, Liar, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

According to Prison Officials Either Arthur Blank or Vick is Lying about Playing Football (I’m Banking on the Latter)

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 9, 2008

Just one day after the owner of the Atlanta Falcons Author Blank proclaimed in an interview with the New York Daily News that Vick is playing ball in prison to keep his body in shape, his arm limber and hoping to avoid rapists to pass the time, federal prison officials told the Journal-Constitution that Vick did not arrive at the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary Camp in time to participate in the facility’s football season.

Uh oh someone is fibbing…gee I wonder who it could be. ConVICK’ed felon Michael or billionaire Blank. Hmm…the mind ponders this.

“Apparently, there was a prison football team and he played quarterback for both sides,” Blank told the Daily News. He was referring to statements dog killer Vick said in letters he wrote to Blank.

When told of Blank’s account of Vick’s football activity at the prison, a spokesman for Leavenworth sounded “incredulous,” according to the Journal-Constitution.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kevin Johnson told the newspaper.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Bureau of Prisons told the Journal-Constitution, however, that Vick might be throwing a football in his free time but he also might be getting gang raped and making license plates to pass the time as well.

Then the spokesperson clarified and said “No wait he’s washing pots and pans so being gang raped is more the sure thing. Either way both are great at passing time. However, Vick is on my federal correctional facility fantasy team.”

I wonder if there is a salary cap involved here

“It’s not unheard of for inmates to toss around a football,” Tracy Billingsley another prison spokesperson told the newspaper. “But there just are no games until the fall.”

I think Billingsley meant to say Vick had not COMPLETED any passes in the prison football league.

She also clarified to the newspaper that the inmates play only flag football at the facility and that tackle football aroused the bitch inmates to much.

Wow, they have a deadline to sign up for football in jail? Do they have free agency in jail too? Are we going to be watching a televised Jail house Flag Football game in the Fall?

Blank, through a spokesperson of his own, declined to be interviewed by the Journal-Constitution.

If Blank could pull some strings to get Vick moved to Nash Correctional Institution, he could be tossing bombs to Rae Carruth. How cool would that be?

By the way, the prison checkers league kicks off in February 2009, and the season will last two weeks. The deadline for sign up was two years ago. They’re totally running out of time to get everything organized and set up.

Posted in Ass Whipping, Atlanta Falcons, conVick, court tv, Crime & Punishment, dog fighting, Michael Vick, Ron Mexico | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Legend of Brian “The Roaming Gnome” VanGorder

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 25, 2008

It’s only a matter of time

It’s a story of betrayal, passion & greed. After five weeks of fruitless searches Steve God Spurrier thought he finally found his man. On December 19, 2007, Steve Spurrier’s official website, I still think I can, reported that VanGorder was joining Spurrier’s staff to become the new Defensive Coordinator for the University of South Carolina Fighting Gamecocks.

What Spurrier didn’t know was that VanGorder was pulling an extended Bobby Cremins on him and the Gamecock nation. (Snicker)

VanGorder really pulled the wool over the Ole Ball Sack coach’s eyes. Here are some of the comments that Steve God Spurrier had to say about VanGorder’s arrival.

“Blowing your assignment just can’t be acceptable. We just do those things way too often,” Spurrier said. VanGorder “is used to coaching very good defense. … I got to believe we’ll play better.”


“I just think he’s a real, good sharp guy who can really lead our defense,” Spurrier said. “And he’ll be in charge.”


“I think at this point stability is very, very important to me and my family,” he said. “The three-year contract is nice and I think that’s a statement for everybody. My intentions are to be at South Carolina and to be there a long time.”

VanGorder played the part perfectly as well. Here are some zingers he threw out there.

“I’m a college guy, I’ve declared. I’m committed”


“There are a couple things that attracted me there, starting with coach Spurrier,” VanGorder said.


“Second, I’m very aware of the South Carolina situation, I like the intensity of their program, it’s a very exciting place to play.


“And the location is comfortable for my wife and children.”


“I’ll enjoy all the things about college football that I always have and I won’t look back at the NFL,” he said. “That’s something I’ve put behind. I’m ready to finish my career as a college football coach.”


“I experienced something very similar [to Petrino] at Georgia Southern,” VanGorder said. “When you transition a program, especially in the first year, you have to take on a lot of issues. When you’ve been in the business and had nothing but success and your standards and expectations are so high, that first year can really, really grind on you.”

Spurrier was eating it up as well as the local press. Then on January 24, 2008 less than a month of arriving in Columbia, VanGorder either decided that Spurrier was to lax on discipline or the USC cheerleaders were to fat and decided to bolt back to Atlanta and become the defensive coordinator for the Falcons.

Well played VanGorder like they say in those Guinness commercials “Brilliant!”

Spurrier the Old Ball Sack coach wasn’t licked yet. After one phone call he had decided to hire another defensive coordinator and teach Bobby “Quitter” Petrino a lesson on how karma can be a big bad bitch at times.

Now welcome the third defensive coordinator for the Gamecocks in 8 weeks, Ellis “I was the second choice” Johnson. Johnson and VanGorder are both cut from the same mold. Both seem to quit within weeks after taking a job and neither one of them had signed contracts yet.

“Ellis Johnson has resigned as defensive coordinator,” Petrino said Thursday. “I spoke with Coach Johnson this morning and he felt like this is the best decision for his family. I certainly understand that. He and his wife are both from South Carolina and many of their relatives still reside in the state.”

And does Spurrier have to say about fucking over Arkansas?

“That’s Arkansas‘s problem now.”

Stay classy Old Ball Sack Coach but remember you could have had this man….

Coach 0 after 2 weeks of hard drinking and in a roid rage. yaw yaw yaw

Posted in Arkansas Razorbacks, Atlanta Falcons, Bobby Petrino, boo birds, NFL, NFL Football, SEC, SEC Football, USC, VanGorder | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Vick’s First Letter From Prison.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 11, 2007

Dear Moms,

Yo I know this being a hard time for you and all but dis shit ain‘t no walk in the motherfucking park either. I mean there’s no maids, ho’s or butlers. I gots to pee in front of everyone. Marcus and Pops never told me about this shit.

I met some dudes from the something called the Mexican Mafia, they be pissed at me for picking Ron Mexico as my alias. A lot of homies seem cool and shit they even gave me a nickname of Black Paris. Something about another rich bitch in jail except I’m black.Da man be being out to get me fo awhile and now he has.

Fuck dat cracker ass judge not letting me change into a five grand suit making me wear prison jumpsuit. I gots to look fly. And then he all talking about I made false statements to da feds and I wasn’t keeping it real wit him about my smoke habit. I don’t be deserving no 23 months for killing some dogs, some of those dogs deserved it and shit. And then he be saying I’m getting 3 years closely monitored probation afterwards. I guess I’ll make the best of it.

Yo dad be right about one thing yo, you can get some good shit in here. It’s high as fuck though! Thank God I’m still rich. Speaking of money Mom, I can’t be supporting you, Marcus and Pop and be paying protection money to. Think about how much the chronic will be once I’m transfered to the big house in 6 weeks. You just going to have to go back to working in a gas station with pops. Marcus I’m not sure what he be doing now.My cellmate is named Rocco and for 5 g’s a week he said he’ll protect me. When I ask from who he said from himself. He said won’t ass rape me 23 times, one for every month as long as I keep paying and shit. He also said to look up his big brother, Cletus at the fed pin. He said I can’t miss him he’s the leader of some gang called the Aryan Brotherhood. He said they might let me join so don’t be shy about asking. Other than the shakedown and cuddling wit me, he alright.

Moms I gots to go. But please do me one favor, try to sneak some metal hidden under one of your fat rolls, Rocco said he will teach me how to shank. Try to make all the court appearances concerning those law suits that are against me. There’s 3 onces of Mexican gold hash in the “waterbottle” give that to Marcus as a Christmas present.I love you moms, soon I’ll be free and I’m sure Mr. Goodell and Mr. Blank will allow me to play again. I’ll keep in shape with all the weights that here and constant running from the Crips.

PS Slap Marcus for me and tell him you still loves me more.

Posted in Arthur Blank, Atlanta Falcons, bad newz kennels, bongs, Crime & Punishment, dog fighting, Goodell, guilty, marcus vick, Marijuana, Michael Vick, michael vick pleads guilty, Prison for Vick, satire | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »