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Posts Tagged ‘Bear is Dead’

More crappy Christmas Gifts

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 4, 2008

Yes this season looks bleak especially if you’re a sports fan. If you’re like me and is forced…FORCED damn it…to participate in the office “Secret Santa” then get them a crap-tastic sports gift.

What says “You’re a gold digging whore” to that slutty office person who is constantly raving on about how drinks she scored for free over the weekend by offering over hyped cleavage and a lack of substance better than an ESPN Monopoly game?

Is Erin Andrews on the community chest cards?

This ties into the biggest thing that bothers me about ESPN – they in large part dictate the sports narratives of the day. Public opinion regarding an issue, player, or team can literally be shaped by ESPN now. So when the BCS goes to ESPN, not only will ESPN’s tune change on the issue of a college football playoff, but you can bet that public opinion will as well.

Know anyone that ever wanted to smell like JoePa’s adult diapers? Then here’s your chance to make them happy while grossing out their cubical neighbors.

Masik is a company that “specializes” in collegiate fragrances.

They offer colognes in the following schools:

  • UNC: When Just Looking Like Stu Scott Ain’t Enough, Bro. WARNING: do not spray directly in eyes.
  • Penn State: Musk, passion, wrinkles…Joe Paterno Moth Balls fragrance

And coming soon!

  • Florida: When being a douche-bag isn’t enough and you can smell like one.
  • Georgia: Boone’s Farm and urinal cakes with subtle notes of denial.
  • Alabama: mixture of baby back ribs, dead Behr and bacon is tantalizing to the ladies.
  • Tennessee: concoction of whiskey in a jar and Lane Kiffin
  • Auburn: heady combination of sinsemilla and ass.
  • LSU: A subtle blend of coonass and corndogs.

To bad they don’t make one for Oregon St Beavers the women’s version could embody the true essence…

Of course if you have an asshole boss like me get them a Redsox coffin. The special edition Ted Williams model comes with built-in air conditioning.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn, Bear is Dead, Boston Red Sox, Douche Bag, ESPN, Evil Empire, Florida Gators, Georgia Bulldogs, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, LSU Tigers, North Carolina Tarheels, Penn State Nittany Lions, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

This to shall pass AKA: Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest for a new coach

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 13, 2008

Well the rumors are certainly running rampant on an already ravished Rocky Top. All in all yesterday should have been a very good day for Tennessee fans. Marlon Walls said he is sticking with his commitment to Tennessee, Kenny Hall officially signed with the VOLS to play basketball for Bruce Pearl & we learn that Eric Berry is also a Lott Trophy semifinalist.

I believe all those things should be considered great news if you’re a Tennessee fan, however when I scour the message boards all I see is negativity over than fact Butch Davis said he has no interest in Tennessee’s coaching job and will remain in Chapel Hill.

There is this huge debate at who should be the next Tennessee head football coach. For some reason everyone assumes that names like Butch Davis, Mike Leach & Lane Kiffin are all on this list.

The truth of the matter is only Mike Hamilton knows who’s on the list. Neither Tennessee nor Hamilton has said in a official capacity who is on that list. All anyone hears seems to come from “sources.” I’m not saying these sources are incorrect but I am saying that as for as we the average fan (and the real lifeblood of the program) knows these sources could be wrong.

Rumors will always swirl around coaching vacancies. That’s life. Here is UT’s plane log according to this blog and look yesterday it flew to Raleigh-Durham airport, why doesn’t a certain former offensive coordinator coach there? Hey a certain former super bowl winning NFL coach lives there as well.

Did you see how easy that was?

All I’m saying is folks relax and enjoy the men’s basketball team and this to shall pass.

Now in attempt to be humorous I present to you some other coaching candidates that for reason or another aren’t getting as play as those on this mythical list. I call it Mike Hamilton goes on a vision quest. Enjoy.

Severely shaken up over the news the Butch Davis is “adamantly” denying any interest in the Tennessee coaching job, AD Mike Hamilton has an epiphany and realizes that he needs to go on a vision quest to stir up names to add to the ever growing wish list.

Hamilton takes a paper bag and grabs some Big Orange colored spray paint and sprays some in the bag. While taking deep slow breaths Hamilton chants:

“Oh spirit of the Behr please come to me now.”

After 45 minutes and 2 spray cans worth, the ghost of Behr Bryant appears to Hamilton and says:

“What the hell do you want? I was busy getting my drink on” to which Hamilton replied “You’re always getting your drink on Behr but I need your help!”

“You see” Hamilton begins “there are members of the Tennessee wish list saying no this early and I need some candidates to help the rumor fire similar to what Alabama went through before hiring Satan…err Saban.”

“You interrupted my daily dosing of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels for this?” Bryant asks.

Hamilton looks sheepishly down while tears form in his eyes.

“Oh God! Fine you girlie-man I’ll help you come up with candidates but I’m not helping you hire anyone!” Bryant says with disgust, “Come with me to my lair formally known as hell and we shall conjure some names for this list.”

“Hell? I thought I saw you in heaven in a dream I had. I’m not selling my soul to you Behr!” Hamilton replies.

A demon that strikingly looks like Logan Young suddenly appears from behind the Behr.

“We don’t need to buy your soul it’s not like you’re a five star football recruit” it mockingly says to Hamilton and disappears.

“He’s right you know” say the Behr “Besides what you saw in heaven was God wearing a hounds tooth hat, he just thinks he’s me. Now close your eyes we’re going to my lair”

Moments pass and Hamilton hears the Behr say “Ok weasel boy you can open them again.”

Hamilton looks around and says “Where am I? This certainly doesn’t look like hell.”

“It’s a place called Shreveport, La. & get used to it cause it’s possible you’ll be coming here for a few seasons and then you will see why I call this place hell” replied the Behr.

“Ok here are some more names to place on your wish list” say the Behr and hands Hamilton a piece of paper.

On the paper is collection of names that of people are not mentioning such as:

  • Charlie Strong: Current Defensive Coordinator at Florida.
  • Steve Sarkisian: Current Offensive Coordinator, Assistant Head Coach, and Quarterbacks Coach at Southern Cal.
  • Kevin Wilson: Current Offensive Coordinator at Oklahoma.
  • Kyle Whittingham: current coach at Utah who is undefeated.

Hamilton looked up at the Behr and gave his thanks and asked “How do I get back home?”

“Just click your heels together three times and say ‘There’s nothing like firing Fulmer'” the Behr replied.

Hamilton did just as he said and awoke sweating profusely on the floor of his garage and holding the phone in his hand.

He quickly places the phone to his ear and says “Behr is that you?”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been giving ideas for replacement coaches for the past 30 minutes!” a very frustrated Doug Dickey said, “Have you been huffing spray paint again?”

Quickly Hamilton hangs the phone up. He gets up dusts himself off. He feels a great weight off his mind and plans on enjoying the evening watching reruns of Laverne & Shirley.

Posted in Bear is Dead, Butch Davis, fire philip fulmer, fulmer sucks, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, God, Hell, Logan Young, Mike Hamilton, Phillip Fulmer, satire, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, UT vols | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The Big Orange Roundtable Alabama Week Edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 22, 2008

That’s right folks it’s Alabama week and one can not have an Alabama week with the Big Orange Roundtable now can we? Taking a cue from the 3rd Saturday in Blogtober, both Billy Bob Bammer and I will be answering the questions this week.

With out further a due let’s go to the roundtable!!! (Never mind the smell it’s Bama related)

Both teams at some point or another have been described as an Evil Empire.  If your team is the Death Star, what is its planet-destroying weapon?

Thomas the Terrible: Simple Eric Berry. He is the crusher of the dreams for the QB’s and hits like hell, just ask Knowshon Moreno. He has already accumulated 5 interceptions this season and leads the county in interceptions as well.

He is a lock for all-American and possibly defensive player of the year in the SEC, unless the ref that tackled Stephen Garcia steals it. Not to mention he is also a tackling machine.

Billy Bob Bammer: Shoot that there is a easy one. Our boosters. You see our boosters pay the players more than what they might receive in the NFL. How the hell you think we get such good players in the first place?

The one thing a young man needs to worry when coming to Bama is football. You say you have a test in painting by numbers? Our boosters will gladly take that test for you.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, boosters, Crime & Punishment, Crimson Tide, fire philip fulmer, Fulmer, fulmer sucks, GBO, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, Nick Saban, Nick Stephens, Phillip Fulmer, SEC, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable, UT vols | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Alabama has been stripped of the Logan Young National Recruiting Championship

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 29, 2008

Credit LWS for this awesome pic.

Credit LWS for this awesome pic.

Since it appears that Billy Bob Bammer has hijacked this blog as of late, I guess I should mention Bama’s fall from recruiting grace.

It seems that Rivals has revised its 2008 recruiting rankings based on who actually made it to their campus of choice. With Bama losing several four-star athletes such as Kerry Murphy because he was to stupid to qualify academically and players, Melvin Ray and Destin Hood, who both decided to play professional Baseball instead of receiving bags of cash, can only mean one thing:

Bama falls to Number 2.

On the surface it isn’t much, just a number that really doesn’t mean it will translate to wins after all Coach 0 proved that. However losing the coveted Logan Young National Recruiting Championship to Notre Dame of all schools, right before playing a talented team such as Clemson has to be devastating to the ego of Satan Saban the Behr Reincarnated.

I’m sure Billy Bob Bammer is suicidal at this point.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bammers, Bear is Dead, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, SEC, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Big Orange Roundtable Vol. VI

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 11, 2008

This week the “Great & Powerful” Moondog of Moondog Sports is the host. Boy he’s talking this king far. Just joking Moondog please don’t have me beheaded!

Moondog is a thinker unlike me because I’m sleeper. So his questions are tough; however Moondog is a just king and gave us fair warning before they were posted.

Now let’s get roundtabling! GO VOLS

  1. Let’s assume the worst for a moment and say the Vols finish the season 6-6. Does Fulmer survive? If not, whom do you believe would be the best person to fill the head coaching vacancy? Even if you believe Fulmer survives, feel free to offer your thoughts on the Vols next coach.

I believe the great Battle Captain would survive. We have a new quarterback and a slew of new assistant coaches including a new OC. So on that fact alone I believe Fulmer would survive. Not to mention the new contract extension and pay raise he received.

There will be a day when Fulmer decides to retire too play golf for good. When that day comes there are some coaches I would like to see as his replacement. And in no particular order they are as follows:

  • Charlie Strong: DC of Florida. Has 25 years experience as a collegiate coach (Florida, South Carolina, Notre Dame, Ole Miss, Southern Illinois, Texas A&M) and eight years as a defensive coordinator. Also has two years coaching experience at the professional level as an intern with the New Orleans Saints in 1993 and the Detroit Lions in 1994.
  • David Cutcliff: Everyone knows his ties to school and what he has done.
  • Jon Gruden: began his coaching career with the University of Tennessee where he was an assistant from 1986 to ‘87. It was at Tennessee where Jon would meet his wife to be, cheerleader Cindy Brooks.

2. With the off-field troubles many college football programs have encountered over the past five years, including Tennessee, what actions would you take to prevent players from getting into undesirable situations?

I would take the Bob Stoops approach. Screw up more than once (And sometimes once depending on what it is) and you’re gone. I would also tell the recruits that. That way if they can’t say they weren’t warned.

I would also make them study a photo of Stephen Garcia. Make them memorize it and then explain them that this isn’t what the Volunteers are looking for

3. The Vols have rolled through UCLA, UAB, Florida, Auburn, Northern Illinois and Georgia. We’re No. 3 in the polls and up next is Alabama. With 3:16 left in the 4th quarter the Vols are down 20-17 and it’s 4th and one from the Bama 29-yard line. Do you kick the field goal or go for it?

As much as my heart say go for it, my head says kick it. One of Fulmer’s understated coaching abilities is his ability to coach in OT games. His record is phenomenal. There are too many negative what ifs that could happen when you go for it.

4. What impact, if any, do you believe Stan Drayton will have as the Vols prepare to play Florida?

Honestly not much. It’s a completely different system the Gaytors have and completely different athletes. I do believe we will attempt to cram the ball down their throats though. I’m sure of that.

5. We’ve discussed the Vols offense and defense, but what about special teams? Give us your thoughts on Tennessee‘s kicking game and special teams in general.

With or without Colquitt the kicking game will be good as always because we have Chad Cunningham. I do have a concern of kickoff coverage though. I saw to many yards giving up in that category last year. I hope to see an improvement.

Be sure to check the listed VOL sites to see their responses.

Posted in Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Go Vols, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, The Big Orange Roundtable | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Cage fighting bammer gets jail time. Alternative title: Lou Holtz is a retard

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 8, 2008

Joey Barrett Jr. as thrust himself into the finalist of Alabama fan of year. Here is the distasteful tale of a Bammer, Auburn fans and a retard named Louie Holtz. (Story)

I always knew Lou Holtz was retarded.

Joey Barrett is a tough Bammer SOB why he’s even a cage fighter that comes from a cage fighting family. In 2005 Barrett challenged two Auburn students by yelling “Roll Tide” in front of the Phi Kappa Tau fraternity house on the eve of the Iron Bowl.

Now that’s tough! Of course Barrett also had a knife (Cheater!! But he’s a Bammer what would you expect?) and stabbed one of the fraternity brothers who had to be rushed to the hospital with a collapsed lung.

The police levied a litany of assault charges against him causing his father, Daddy Barrett who is also known as King of Abba Shrine Center cage fighters, to whine that his offspring was being “railroaded”.

During the first trial in 2006 Barrett’s defense attorneys told the jury that man named Louie Holtz was the one that stabbed the Auburn student and not his angelic cage fighting client.

Here’s the kicker. Louie Holtz is mentally retarded so the judge ordered that he be represented by council. Holtz’s attorneys advised him not to testify. Since the jury had already heard Barrett’s sleazy lawyers state during the trial that Holtz was the stabber the judge had to declare a mistrial.

Now how would a retarded man get involved in such a thing? Well the prosecution decided to investigate and found out that Barrett bribed Holtz with a car (probably something sporty that a bammer would love like a 87 Berretta) to take the blame for his misgivings.

Once, Billy Bob Bammer paid a homeless man named Petey Carroll three bottles of rubbing alcohol to confess to the murder of a prostitute.

Oh Barrett knew how to cheat. He might even have a job with the university when he’s released from jail.

Feeling the heat Barrett copped a plea and was sentenced to 18 months in jail and five years probation for first-degree assault, as well as one year, to run concurrently with the first penalty, for bribing a retard.

Daddy Barrett AKA King of Abba Shrine Center cage fighters could not be reached for comment after the trial which is typical. After all the whining he did. Rumor has it that he is training for his next match. I pity his opponent.

Meanwhile Barrett Jr. will be in the Mobile County Metro Jail serving his time and hopefully being raped by a large Auburn fan.

Alabama: Paying retards to take credit for the work done by others both on and off the field.

Stay classy Bammers!!!

Barrett's defense attorneys notice the nancy-boy in the skirt

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama Cheats, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bammers, Bear is Dead, cheaters, Crime & Punishment, Roll Tide | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Random Musings Part 2

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 31, 2008

Even though she hasn’t won a tournament yet or apparently can write her name on a score card Forbes reports that Michelle Wie is hightest paid golfer on the LPGA tour. That might explain why the rest of the LPGA ladies hate her and questions her skipping a major event to play in some rinky-dink men’s event that sounds like it is straight out of Tincup.

“I really don’t know why Michelle continues to do this. We have a major this week and, if you can’t qualify for a major, I don’t see any reason why you should play with the men.” said Sorenstam

The Packers offered Brett Fa*** more money to say home and shut the hell up. I heard Brett was late for the meeting…that’s odd it’s not like Fa*** to keep the Pack waiting…oh wait…nevermind.

Oh to be Renault Formula One managing director Flavio Briatore (who already knocked up Heidi Klum), check out more pictures of his wife.

The Olympics will suck, we all know that. Especially now that China will be limiting journalist access to the Internet something they promised the IOC they would not do. Of course the IOC is backing China now. I say we boycott.

Danny Ford is God is getting under God Spurrier’s skin. Also check out their tag line at the top.  🙂

The Chicken Curse takes a look at Spurrier’s latest presser. They offer some different perspectives.  😉

I’ve added two new Vols blogs to the list:

Legions of the Miserable

The View from the Hill who is also the newest edition to the Big Orange Roundtable

Also so checkout these BOR members responses to this weeks questions

Finally porn-tache thong wearing Jason Giambi flies the bird during a game. Stay classy Jason!

Posted in Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Chicken Curse, Golden Thongs, Indy Car, Jason Giambi, LPGA, Major League Baseball, Michelle Wie, MLB, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Steve Spurrier, The Big Orange Roundtable, The Olympics, yankees suck, YouTube | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Robert Wendell Smith: Worlds greatest Auburn fan!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on July 24, 2008

A lot has been said about the subpoena that Phil Fulmer received today. What everyone is failing to realize is Robert Wendell Smith is an Auburn fan. Sure people say he was a Bama booster but that was a cleverly devised ploy to hurt Bama. As a Bama Nation we must be atoned! RTR!

Smith is suing the NCAA for defamation, claiming the organization and several members of the infractions committee slandered him in accusing him of violating NCAA rules.

This “lawsuit” against the NCAA is garbage and this hurts my Bama nation more than Tennessee. Every time someone brings this up we are reminded that Saint Logan Young paid over $100,000 for Albert Means. Now it comes out that this Wendell dude paid $20,000 for this Smith kid? Bama fans let us all hope these charges were covered in the last round of probation we were served or we could risk having to answer more questions about buying players our recruiting methods. That would be a disaster for our program. The biggest irony of it all is that Lord Saban was one of the original coaches that turned Bama in on the recruiting violations. (He hadn’t been baptized by the spirit of Behr like he is now. rtr

According to the subpoena Fulmer is ordered to give a deposition on Sept. 25. The Thursday before the Auburn game! See folks what more proof do you need? Smith is a Barn lover!

Worst case scenario. Fulmer takes the stand and talks about how he, Steve God Spurrier, Houston Nutt, and present-day Behr resurrected Bama coach Lord Nick Saban all turned in the Tide for paying for players. If the our courts have any sense at all and Fulmer’s lawyers have any sense at all, this goes away quickly. I hope so because I have plenty money invested in the Hoover High team. I mean err… I need to hit the recruiting trail. rtr

Now we know in all likelihood the deposition will be moved because of the game. That is of course if this lawsuit doesn’t get thrown out completely before then.

This is a feeble attempt by an undercover Auburn fan to hurt both Bama and Tennessee at once. The attorneys for Mr. Smith are far from top notch as Lawvol stated in his take on this:

“Considering that the Blankenship, Harrelson and Wollitz, LLC website includes a “Do I Have a Case” web form as well as a PayPal link (which is a new one for this lawyer), the firm appears … well … in the vein of many of the firms that routinely advertise on daytime television.”

Another scary thought is now maybe Fulmer will get mad enough to actually have a game plan in place against us this year and that means trouble. Well played Auburn…well played.

Rumored to be Mr Smith notice how well he blends in with us? RTR

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Auburn, Bear is Dead, Logan Young, Phillip Fulmer, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Point/Counter Point Ken Stabler

Posted by Little Bear Cub on June 10, 2008

Former NFL star quarterback Ken Stabler was arrested and charged with reckless driving and driving under the influence of alcohol for the third freaking time.

Stabler, now a radio analyst for University of Alabama football, was released from jail on $1,000 bond nearly 13 hours after his arrest, police said Monday.

To bring a riveting point/counter point here is Billy Bob Bama & Thomas the Terrible

BBB’s Point: Stabler is the man! He can do whatever he wants. RTR!

TTT’s Counter Point: YEAH, You GO Kenny…Go kill someone because you got drunk and are too stupid to call a cab. You can do whatever you want!! Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: A lot of people love you, man, but you have to stop drinking and driving. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: What a joke. Take this guys license away and never give it back. Does someone need to be killed first? Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Doesn’t he have his Raiders Get Out Of Jail Free Card? RTR!

TTT’s Counter Point: He fits in the SEC quite well these days. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: You dont have to stop drinking PACE YOURSELF. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: Was he with Cedric Benson? Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Kenny has never hurt anyone. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: The Snake hasn’t lost his touch for mixing the heavy drink with fun. Of course, being a Crimson Tide broadcaster won’t help him much with the school which might put up with a drunken coach but not an inebriated announcer. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Snake, you’re better than that. No wonder he can’t find his way to the NFL HOF, which he needs to be in! RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: Now I know why they call him “snake”. He always slithers on his belly from the bar to his car. He knows how to play QB. Now, he will learn to play CATCHER in the state pen. And he thought he sacrificed his body on the football field. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: I never knew he drank. It’s sad when your heroes disappoint you. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: The Snake was a great quarterback, but apparently, he’s an idiot behind the wheel of a car. Bama Cheats!

BBB’s Point: Alcohol cuts across all racial, economic and gender lines. RTR

TTT’s Counter Point: Someone get this guy a beer!!! Bama Cheats!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Sucks, Bama'zoids, Bear is Dead, Beat Bama, Crime & Punishment, DUI, Ken Stabler, SEC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

I Freaking Hate Louisiana Monroe!

Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on March 31, 2008

So I was driving towards Monroe, Louisiana cause none of the blood banks in good ole Bama will buy my blood after that little Hepatitis C incident, when I came across this God forsaken billboard! I almost wrecked my 72 Ford pickup. That truck is priceless cause Jimbo tells me the Bear peed on the drivers side fender once. Those bastards! Look at this! I’ll never sell my Hepatitis C infected blood in this state again!

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Bama Bangs, Bama'zoids, Bear is Dead, Louisiana Monroe | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »