Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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Posts Tagged ‘bongs’

Gamecock football player arrested signifies that spring is officially here

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 23, 2009

Toke toke pass

You know it’s been awhile since I’ve had the pleasure of to write anything negative about a Gamecock football player. To be totally honest I was beginning to get worried. I mean spring just isn’t the same around here in Columbia unless you have pollen, thunderstorms in the afternoons and a Gamecock arrest. Luckily for Mother Nature 2 out of 3 ain’t too bad.

Last Tuesday it was announced that defensive tackle Ladi Ajiboye was suspended indefinitely which of course in Steve God Spurrier terms means a couple of practices. It has now been revealed that Ajiboye was arrested in February for being a participant in a drug deal. Somehow the Spurrier regimen somehow kept this hidden from the Gamecock hating liberal media of Columbia. This reason I say that is because all the Gamecock fans complain how only negative things are written about their team.

Within the past two seasons Ajiboye has started in 22 games and is considered a key to the defensive line. Don’t worry Gamecock fans this boy is a producer on the field and you know as well as I do that if the starting QB can key a professor’s car, be arrested multiple times within a year and set of fire extinguishers in the dorms for fun then Ajiboye will be back on the field by next week.

According to the Columbia Po Po, on the February 21st, they witnessed Ajiboye engage in a “hand-to-hand transaction” with another person. Ajiboye at the time was driving Terrence Campbell’s car. Campbell is an offensive lineman for the Gamecocks. Ajiboye just wanted to get his Phelps on!

The Po Po staked out the car and after Campbell like a moron failed to signal for a turn, he was promptly pulled over. There the Po Po found evidence of the sweet sticky icky weed that Ajiboye confessed was his. I will give credit to Ajiboye for manning up there.

“Our narcotic agents witnessed a drug transaction,” sheriff’s department spokesman Chris Cowan said. “They saw him get into the car. They made the stop. He was arrested.”

Campbell, a redshirt junior who started nine games at guard last season, was not charged in the incident.

Never fear Gamecock fans you have Neal “Johnie Cochran Jr.” Lourie. Believe me he could have gotten OJ off the last charges. Then again if Lourie can’t work his magic then there’s always pumping gas.

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Posted in bongs, Crime & Punishment, mary jane, Po Po, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Stephen Garcia, Steve Spurrier, USC | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Meet the Michael Phelps pot party participants

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 13, 2009

Yes now that Sheriff Lott is helping to save the word by rounding up party goers that were present during the infamous Michael Phelps bong hit that can mean one thing!

MUG SHOTS!!!

For the record smiling mug shots rule!

You would think that Sheriff Lott would have better thnigs to do. After all according to the Sheriff’s Department website there are 22 unsolved murders since 1996.

Maybe someday Phelps will appear on the Top 10 most wanted. 

As a residence of Richland County, I’m making it my mission to find the blond and nailing her.

sg1

Mug shot photographer to guy on right: Ummm, son, could you look at the cam...son, right he...no, don't wander away...and for the last time, I don't have any Funyans!! Ahhh, to hell with it...(click)...next!

sg2

This dude looks like the illegitimate child of Robert Smith, lead singer of the Cure.

sg3

The first one looks like a serial killer and the second one will never survive in the pen

 

 

 

Posted in bongs, Leon Lott, Marijuana, mary jane, Michael Phelps, South Carolina Gamecocks | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Michael Phelps will help Leon Lott save America!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 11, 2009

In case you didn’t know or maybe you did and you forgot, I live in the same flipping county that Michael Phelps took the everlasting bong hit back in November. I have great respect for the sheriff of this county, a Mr. Leon Lott. I’ve met Lott on numerous occasions (without being arrested or in handcuffs ass-hats) and I find him to be approachable and genuinely concerned about crime in this state.  However that being said I have no damn clue as to why he’s gone all “Barney Fife” about this Phelps took a hit thing. 

Even this party was way back in November its aftereffects are still ringing loudly in Lott’s ears today. Last week he publicly stated that he wanted to arrest Phelps but since it’s doubtful that will ever happen, Lott has chosen to save this fair county by locking up one college stoner at a time including the eight that were arrested yesterday.

“We’ve now learned that since investigators began trying to build a case, they’ve made eight arrests: seven for drug possession and one for distribution. These are arrests that resulted as the sheriff’s department served search warrants.

We’ve also learned that the department has located and confiscated that bong. Sources say the owner of the bong was trying to sell it on eBay for as much as $100,000. The owner, who wasn’t even at the party, is one of the eight now charged.”

Hurray for upcoming spring elections. I love grandstanding by law enforcement officials. 

Ok the idiot that was attempting to sell the bong on E-bay probably deserves to be arrested for being a complete moron. 

Don’t get me wrong folks I take great delight at poking fun of people who use illegal drugs and are busted but this as really gone to far. Right now I would think Lott should be more concerned with the recent rash of ATM robberies that are sill unsolved and other crimes such as car-jackings, murder and rape which I believe carry more importance than an Olympian who took a bong hit. 

The governor of this state stated on the Fox News Channel that he doesn’t see what good arresting Phelps would do at this point. 

So far we know that Phelps has lost sponsorship deals from Kellogs and Sub Way. He has been suspended by USA Swimming and he actually lost two grand in a game of beer pong. If all that isn’t punishment enough what is?

However this isn’t the lamest party in South Carolina history.

Now, I once stood next to Steve Tanneyhill’s glorious mullet while he got pulled out of a house party by Cola PD. Now that was lame.

Posted in Beer Pong, bongs, Leon Lott, Marijuana, mary jane, Michael Phelps | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Fourteen gold medals, banging a USC coed and smoking pot, just one day in the life of Michael Phelps

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 2, 2009

My question is was he smoking Mellow Gold or Spanish Trampoline?

Usually when I write about the University of South Carolina and smoking pot in involves the school’s football players. I have more than once referred to USC as the University of Smoking Cannabis. This time is different. This time I’m not writing about some Shamecock football player, I’m writing about 14 gold medal Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.

It seems this past November Phelps was in this fair town of Columbia where he attended a football game and apparently got high Even though I’m opposed to illegal drugs and take pleasure in making fun of those who use them this really isn’t as a big of a deal as the traditional media outlets are making it out to be. If you had gigantism of the ears and neck, you’d smoke too. However sometime ago The US Olympics Committee, who have pledged to clamp down on drug use, did announce some laws that could force Phelps to sit out the 2012 games in London because he took drugs.

News of the World, a British newspaper was the first to break this story.

One party-goer who witnessed the star’s behaviour told the News of the World: “He was out of control from the moment he got there.

“If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again.”

Phelps’ aides went into a panic over our story and offered us a raft of extraordinary incentives not to run the bong picture.

phelps-usc

Phelps apparently has been banging some USC chick named Jordan Matthews and decided to get wasted every night he was here in town. The source of the story states Phelps was rather obnoxious. With ears like his how can anyone be obnoxious?

“Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

Our source said: “You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do.

Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to smoke dope does it? The source also states Phelps spent a lot of time at Pavlov’s bar. In my humble opinion I think that place is a freaking dump. This isn’t the first time Phelps has been in trouble either. In 2004 he served an 18 month long probation for a DUI.

Since this story has broken Phelps has acknowledge that the photo is real and is sorry.

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said in the statement released by one of his agents. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Now we know how he consumed 12,000 calories a day. He’d eat cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Some Hagen-Daz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and he would make some smores. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, water, a whole lotta water and…….Funyuns.

It’s always interesting how celebrities show remarkable self-awareness about their mistakes after they get caught … and usually when millions of dollars in endorsements are on the line.

The U.S. Olympic Committee said it was “disappointed in the behavior recently exhibited by Michael Phelps,” who was selected the group’s sportsman of the year. He also was honored as AP male athlete of the year, and his feat in Beijing — breaking Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for most gold medals in an Olympics — was chosen as the top story of 2008.

Posted in bongs, drugs, DUI, dumbass, mary jane, Michael Phelps, South Carolina Gamecocks, USC | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Have you ever orchestrated a ten game turn-around…ON WEED?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

Ricky Williams didn’t like my Christmas gift I got for him this year. That bastard! You know I decided to get Ricky a gift this year because he has been an outstanding player this year and to help celebrate the Fins incredible turn around, only to have it returned to me with a note saying “Not funny dude.”

Maybe this will help Trent Green forget all about those concussions.

What if, like, the dolphin’s helmet had another dolphin wearing a helmet…and that dolphin’s helmet had a dolphin wearing a helmet…and so on, and so on. Man, I feel so insignificant.

It’s funny, I don’t remember using that bong and yet I have visions of hearing “Chad Pennington” and “NFL MVP” in the same sentence, and not as a joke.

Posted in bongs, Chad Pennington, drugs, Marijuana, mary jane, miami dolphins, NFL Football, pot, Ricky Williams | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Howdy Doody Has A Doozy Deal

Posted by Joel Jackson on September 24, 2008

For the 2 regular readers of this blog (and the thousands of trolls), you may or may not know that West By God Virginia holds a special place in our hearts and minds. By no stretch are we Mountaineer fans. Our beloved orange warriors win championships (although none in football thanks to that fat, stubborn…sorry, wrong subject). All one has to do is type West Virginia in the search box to see plenty of Mountaineer fodder.

So whenever this fine institute of higher learning makes the news, we take special notice. I mean, why wouldn’t we??? The writers at The Young & The Restless couldn’t write more drama in the past year. Just Rich Rodriguez alone would be Victor Newman, and Michigan would be the new young and beautiful chick that stolls into Genoa City that he would bang instantly.

In Coach Bill Stewart’s contract, the signed deal includes 1 extra year that wasn’t on the original offer sheet. Also, if he is fired before January 3, 2009, the school must pay him $4.125 million. Former embattled school president Mike Garrison can’t be blamed for this one though, because he was gone by the time the contract was finalized and signed, which was on Sept. 10. The big deal was that a flat $1 million buyout clause was negotiated and agreed upon in the original offer sheet. In other words, now West Virginia can’t fire this guy until Jan. 4. By then, the Mountaineers could easily be 6-6. There is hope though, 6-6 could be good enough to win the Big East.

West Virginia is it’s own worst enemy. Shame too. The school could be great. Wait, let me re-phrase that. The school could be better than mediocre. Whenever the administration and athletics department decide to join 2008 and get out of 1972, please let me know. For all I know, they could still be playing John Denver in Mountaineer Field on an 8 track. Mountain momma, take me home…

Posted in BCS, Big East, bongs, boo birds, boosters, College Football, Couch Burning, Crack, NCAA, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, WVU | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Finally, Some Good News for Tennessee and Meyer’s 1% of 1%

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 10, 2008

It’s rare when I actually find good things to report about my beloved Vols. It’s also rare that I report good things without sarcasm. Well, this will be good with sarcasm. Old Phil finally found a way to be more competitive with Florida, by stealing their running back coach Stan Drayton. To some it up in a nutshell Stan wasn’t happy at Florida but don’t my written words for it take his spoken instead.

“The offense we were running in Florida did not have much involvement with the running back,” he said during a news conference Wednesday night. “There was some frustration there, I must be honest with you.”

Florida had running backs this past year? Oh you mean Tebow, play action to himself, fakes pass, runs up the middle. That was Florida’s running game last year and it worked.

Drayton has been with the Gators since Herban Meyer took over the program, helping guide Florida to the 2006 SEC and national championships. While at Florida, Drayton developed a reputation for recruiting, and Rivals.com named him one of its top 25 recruiters for his role in the Gators’ 2007 signing class, which was ranked No. 1 in the nation by several services. Of course losing a bowl game to Michigan probably was a factor. I mean Tennessee did win their bowl game verses a Big Eleven Ten team.

So there Gators fans ppphhhpppttttt take that.

Drayton isn’t the only Gator abandoning Meyer. Bo Williams, Trent Pupello (a player they initially compared to Jeremy Shockey) and several other players are looking to transfer to other programs.

Meyers top 1% of the 1% of players across the nation, as he likes to call them will still be there if they don’t bolt to the NFL or wind up in jail first.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on some of Meyer’s players.

  • Marcus Thomas failed numerous drug tests for marijuana and GHB, yet miraculously was cleared to play during a stretch run that aided the Gators to the title.
  • Brandon James was busted with marijuana during a drug bust, where he had less than 20 grams of marijuana. His indefinite suspension lasted one game versus Western Kentucky.
  • Dorian Monroe decided that he was above the law, removing a parking boot from his car and putting it in his trunk. Remember, Florida was thin at defensive back, thus it was swept away, and how in the hell do you remove a parking boot anyway?
  • Ronnie “AK-47” Wilson, was held out this season. But, it wasn’t due to the harsh penalties from Coach Meyer, it was the state law enforcement. Firing automatic weapons at people often leads to that.

Maybe Steve God Spurrier can learn a thing about discipline from Herban.

Other good news concerning Tennessee is the fact they handed Ole Miss their first loss of the season tonight, while winning their SEC opening game. Also rumors are circulating about Ryan Mallett leaving the Michigan football program and is strongly looking at Tennessee, but somehow I think Phil will fuck that up.

Posted in Big Orange, bongs, Bruce Pearl, Crime & Punishment, Florida Gators, fulmer sucks, Gator Gangsters, Gator mafia, Go Vols, Herban Meyer, jorts, Rocky Top, satire, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Steve Spurrier, Tennessee Volunteers, trailer trash, Urban Meyer | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Vick’s First Letter From Prison.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 11, 2007

Dear Moms,

Yo I know this being a hard time for you and all but dis shit ain‘t no walk in the motherfucking park either. I mean there’s no maids, ho’s or butlers. I gots to pee in front of everyone. Marcus and Pops never told me about this shit.

I met some dudes from the something called the Mexican Mafia, they be pissed at me for picking Ron Mexico as my alias. A lot of homies seem cool and shit they even gave me a nickname of Black Paris. Something about another rich bitch in jail except I’m black.Da man be being out to get me fo awhile and now he has.

Fuck dat cracker ass judge not letting me change into a five grand suit making me wear prison jumpsuit. I gots to look fly. And then he all talking about I made false statements to da feds and I wasn’t keeping it real wit him about my smoke habit. I don’t be deserving no 23 months for killing some dogs, some of those dogs deserved it and shit. And then he be saying I’m getting 3 years closely monitored probation afterwards. I guess I’ll make the best of it.

Yo dad be right about one thing yo, you can get some good shit in here. It’s high as fuck though! Thank God I’m still rich. Speaking of money Mom, I can’t be supporting you, Marcus and Pop and be paying protection money to. Think about how much the chronic will be once I’m transfered to the big house in 6 weeks. You just going to have to go back to working in a gas station with pops. Marcus I’m not sure what he be doing now.My cellmate is named Rocco and for 5 g’s a week he said he’ll protect me. When I ask from who he said from himself. He said won’t ass rape me 23 times, one for every month as long as I keep paying and shit. He also said to look up his big brother, Cletus at the fed pin. He said I can’t miss him he’s the leader of some gang called the Aryan Brotherhood. He said they might let me join so don’t be shy about asking. Other than the shakedown and cuddling wit me, he alright.

Moms I gots to go. But please do me one favor, try to sneak some metal hidden under one of your fat rolls, Rocco said he will teach me how to shank. Try to make all the court appearances concerning those law suits that are against me. There’s 3 onces of Mexican gold hash in the “waterbottle” give that to Marcus as a Christmas present.I love you moms, soon I’ll be free and I’m sure Mr. Goodell and Mr. Blank will allow me to play again. I’ll keep in shape with all the weights that here and constant running from the Crips.

PS Slap Marcus for me and tell him you still loves me more.

Posted in Arthur Blank, Atlanta Falcons, bad newz kennels, bongs, Crime & Punishment, dog fighting, Goodell, guilty, marcus vick, Marijuana, Michael Vick, michael vick pleads guilty, Prison for Vick, satire | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »