Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Posts Tagged ‘Buffalo Bills’

America’s favorite baby daddy says he was trapped

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 16, 2009

travis-henry

Look, we all know that former University of Tennessee running back, Travis Henry, is one fertile MF’er. After all I did dub him Travis “I got nine, nine MF’ing kids” Henry for a reason.

Henry recently told his story of reproductive woe to the New York Times. The former Bills/Broncos/Titans running back states only one child was planned however after he left Tennessee for the NFL draft he had three kids from three separate mothers.

After Henry was drafted by North America’s South Canada’s team, the Buffalo Bills, he still continued to share his seed of love several times with various fallopian tubes.

Now here’s something that you might or might not know: Children are like little people, they sometimes need medical care, they need clothing, shelter and that pesky thing called food. With Henry’s legal troubles stemming from drug charges, and no longer in the league, Henry claims he is completely broke.

Of course none of this is Henry’s fault whatsoever. He says he was trapped. I believe I heard the same line while watching the movie Juno. Don’t judge me for watching Juno there was no sports on!!

“I did use protection at first. Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!”

Translation: “As a professional athlete there is a certain pressure on me to use Magnum XL condoms. I also have a pencil dick. Shit falls off, I’m a daddy. Again.”

Look Henry I’m going to drop some knowledge on you that my grandfather dropped on me:

Fool me once – shame on you. Fool me 8 times – I clearly have the IQ of a box of staples.

Henry may want to look into Vas Madness at The Urology Team in Austin, Texas. Of course back in my day we didn’t have all these fancy birth control methods….like pulling out.

At the present moment Henry is engaged and he says that both he and his fiancée don’t want any children. Which giving his past track record means I expect her to have quintuplets within the next two years.

Stuff like this is exactly why fellow NFL bust Maurice Clarett only has anal sex now. On second thought, that’s for different reasons altogether.

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Posted in Buffalo Bills, Crime & Punishment, Denver Broncos, Juno, NFL Football, SEC Football, Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Volunteers, travis henry, Trojan Magnum condoms | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The T.O. experiment goes to Buffalo

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 9, 2009

Fresh off proving that Jerry Jones is a liar, T.O. has signed with the Buffalo Bills. This should help Buffalonians with their power bills in the winter time, considering Owens is full of hot air.

In his introductory press conference, T.O. claims that he “beat to his own beat.” which is one of the most retarded things I’ve heard from him. It’s also the slogan of teenage boys everywhere. So pretty much he just admitted to being a chronic masturbator, right?

With the signing of Owens, the Buffalo Bills go from being irreverent to “North America’s Team.” The Patriots: Haiti’s team, at least according to the amount of 19-0 apparel down there. I think he meant to say “South Canada’s Team”

Even though according to the very non-scientific (but more likely than not accurate) poll taken by ESPN, people across the world doesn’t want T.O. on their team. Regardless of the poll, the Bills are mavericks and signed him anyway.

Just a suggestion for ESPN… since you have at least 8 channels already (I know this because of that tournament on The Ocho) just please use one of them, and only one of them, for T.O., steroids, A-Rod, Barry Bonds, and all of the other bullshit that everyone is sick of yet you devote nearly every second to. Oh, and put Steven A. Smith on that list, too.

I would say that Owens will kill the Bills’ locker room however they really don’t have much of a locker room to kill at this point other than Trent Edwards. Then again Marshawn Lynch has one more gun-related incident left in him, he would be wise to turn in those “get out of jail free” cards and make it all worthwhile…

At this point the Bills and T.O. might very well be made for other. Let’s face it no one goes to Buffalo to play because they want to. Playoff caliber teams (and San Francisco) didn’t want Owens. Most were scared of his ability to disrupt team chemistry, no matter what his on-field numbers stated, and they’re wise to do it.

Posted in Buffalo Bills, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

And now a look at the AFC teams after week 2

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 16, 2008

AFC East:

  • New England Patriots: No Brady no problem. Cassel the backup to Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart while at SoCal takes the reigns and leads his team to 2-0. Hey Matt how does feel being benched knowing your backup who never played a college game is undefeated? Maybe this is your career highlight:

  • Buffalo Bills: Looking good guys. They were on the cusp all last year so they aren’t a fluke.
  • New York Jets: Couldn’t beat New England even though they have Brett Fa*** and New England was Brady’less. Welcome to the AFC Brett.
  • Miami Dolphins: Much improved over last year but are still winless.

AFC North:

  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Are still the team to beat.
  • Cleveland Browns: Are winless…what? Yes I’m afraid the team is suffering through a sophomore slump.
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Are horrible Marvin Lewis might want to start updating his resume. I wonder how crow tastes because he had to eat it after taking Chris Henry back.

  • Baltimore Ravens: Don’t expect to much them for the remaining of the season.

AFC South

  • Indianapolis Colts: Are in dire need to get the running game going.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: Are winless…maybe they aren’t as good as everyone thought.
  • Tennessee Titans: Vince is still sulking because Kerry Collins a future Just For Men spokesman is playing just fine.
  • Houston Texans: Have been disrupted by Hurricane Ike so really to early to tell.

AFC West

  • San Diego Chargers: The Bolts are winless and that’s a shocker. Maybe God hates them this year.
  • Denver Broncos: God may hate the Bolts but he loves Jay Cutler.
  • Oakland Raiders: Lane Kiffin might as well pack his “Hang In There” kitten poster up. He’s done there.
  • Kansas City Chiefs: I like Herman Edwards but this is a bad team he might be Oakland’s next coach.

Posted in Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, cleveland browns, Denver Broncos, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, jacksonville jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, Matt Leinart, miami dolphins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, Oakland Raiders, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Diego Chargers, Tennessee Titans | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »