Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Posts Tagged ‘Crack’

Howdy Doody Has A Doozy Deal

Posted by Joel Jackson on September 24, 2008

For the 2 regular readers of this blog (and the thousands of trolls), you may or may not know that West By God Virginia holds a special place in our hearts and minds. By no stretch are we Mountaineer fans. Our beloved orange warriors win championships (although none in football thanks to that fat, stubborn…sorry, wrong subject). All one has to do is type West Virginia in the search box to see plenty of Mountaineer fodder.

So whenever this fine institute of higher learning makes the news, we take special notice. I mean, why wouldn’t we??? The writers at The Young & The Restless couldn’t write more drama in the past year. Just Rich Rodriguez alone would be Victor Newman, and Michigan would be the new young and beautiful chick that stolls into Genoa City that he would bang instantly.

In Coach Bill Stewart’s contract, the signed deal includes 1 extra year that wasn’t on the original offer sheet. Also, if he is fired before January 3, 2009, the school must pay him $4.125 million. Former embattled school president Mike Garrison can’t be blamed for this one though, because he was gone by the time the contract was finalized and signed, which was on Sept. 10. The big deal was that a flat $1 million buyout clause was negotiated and agreed upon in the original offer sheet. In other words, now West Virginia can’t fire this guy until Jan. 4. By then, the Mountaineers could easily be 6-6. There is hope though, 6-6 could be good enough to win the Big East.

West Virginia is it’s own worst enemy. Shame too. The school could be great. Wait, let me re-phrase that. The school could be better than mediocre. Whenever the administration and athletics department decide to join 2008 and get out of 1972, please let me know. For all I know, they could still be playing John Denver in Mountaineer Field on an 8 track. Mountain momma, take me home…

Posted in BCS, Big East, bongs, boo birds, boosters, College Football, Couch Burning, Crack, NCAA, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, whiners, white trash, WVU | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

South Carolina Alum Cory Boyd Doesn’t Like Math

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 4, 2008

Cory Boyd, former running back for South Carolina, shows his professionalism at a NFL rookie symposium by getting into a fight with all of things, his own freaking teammate.

The symposium is attended by over 250 rookies with the intent on teaching them how to develop life skills like financial planning and getting adjusted to life as a professional. I think someone might have failed here.

Boyd & Aqib Talib was in a budget and finances meeting, where rookies from four teams were also present. Boyd and Talib had been mouthing off at one another. Then suddenly mouthing turned to blows.

Most likely they were arguing on whether to carry the one or not during a specific problem, or it could have been a fractions problem. Fractions tend to bring the unbridled anger of a dumbass out of people. That or Talib was probably talking about how much money he has vs. the 7th rounder Boyd. No comparison.

How come this isn’t really surprising to people? Boyd was suspended by coach God Spurrier in 2005 missing the complete season. When Boyd returned he had to apologize. On his first touchdown upon returning to school he looked into a camera and proclaimed:

“I’m back! I’m back liked cooked crack!”

Talib isn’t exactly angel either. He fell in the draft due to positive drug test results while at Kansas.

Bucs coach Jon Gruden has had high praise for Talib during recent workouts, calling him the future “face of the franchise.”

Posted in Crack, dumbass, kansas jayhawks, Marijuana, NFL Draft, NFL Football, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Lance Armstrong has the Power to Turn You into a Crack Addict

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 20, 2008

Everyone knows the accomplishments of Lance Armstrong.

  • Testicular cancer survivor, a germ cell tumor that metastasized to his brain and lungs in 1996
  • Won the Tour de France seven consecutive times, from 1999 to 2005
  • The most hated man in France
  • Porked singer Sheryl Crow
  • Founder of Lance Armstrong Foundation
  • Currently porking Kate Hudson

Let’s add another accomplishment to the list. Armstrong is the reason “Chad” is a crack addict at least that’s the excuse he used on A&E’s Intervention.

One former teammate claims: Lance Armstrong was already a big star at that point. I think a lot of the young riders that were there were in awe of somebody like that. Chad wasn’t necessarily somebody in awe of anything.”

Some other former douche bag teammate: “Chad walked up to Lance and called him a ‘doughboy’ and pushed his belly in and Lance got really upset.”

Chad our heroic crack head: “Needless to say, the next morning I was asked to leave the Olympic Training Center.”

I’m glad there’s no such thing as personal responsibility anymore. Life’s unfair and it’s all Armstrong’s fault. Never mind the fact the guy poked Armstrong and called him a ‘doughboy’ it’s Armstrong’s fault that Chad is such a pompous asshole as well.

Does this mean the yellow Livestrong bracelet is now considered drug paraphernalia? “Chad” might be on to something here. My life sucks and I’ve turned to drugs to cope with it (caffeine & the new dark chocolate M&Ms) it must be Lance’s fault!! That bastard!

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Crack, drugs, Lance Armstrong, Livestrong | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Duo From the USC Womens Team are Rearrested…God Spurrier Can Only Wish They Were Football Players

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 4, 2008

Just one day after making bail, the female version of Florida football players are arrested yet again and all God Spurrier can do is shake his head while wishing his players would listen to his “Be more like Florida” mantra.

Authorities filed additional charges today against the USC women’s basketball players accused of stealing credit and debit cards and planning to sell marijuana & crack. Jasmine Payne and Ashlie Billingslea are back in jail after USC police connected them to two other thefts at the Blatt P.E. Center.

Payne, 18, of Bay Springs, Miss., faces six additional counts for a total of 11 charges, most of which are felonies.

With three new charges, the 19-year-old Billingslea, of Stone Mountain, Ga., has a total of eight counts against her.

USC spokesman Russ McKinney said police are treating the matter as an active investigation.

Both players have been kicked out of school and off the team.

Now…if these young (ahem) ladies were USC football players & God Spurrier was their coach, here’s what the punishment for each charge would have been;

  • Credit card theft
    • A prepaid Visa card sporting the Gamecock Logo
  • Credit card fraud
    • A prepaid Mastercard sporting “Cocky” the USC mascot
  • Petit larceny
    • Suspended from the team for 5 minutes
  • Two counts of possession with intent to distribute crack cocaine in proximity to a school
    • Learn to crush that crack into a powder…keep it “Gamecock Classy”
  • Two counts of possession with intent to distribute marijuana in proximity to a school
    • Mary Jane would be forfeited & distributed to other Gamecock football players…for free

However these skanks ladies aren’t football players so they have dismissed from the team and of course expelled from school. South Carolina Gamecock football players take note, the Ole Ball (Sac) Coach can’t be happy about the fact his mantra is falling on deaf ears…unless you’re a woman of course. Go Cocks!

A scene of the actual arrest, notice one USC player is saddened

Posted in court tv, Crack, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, drugs, Gamecocks, moral victories, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, South Carolina Gamecocks | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Spurrier’s Mantra of be Like Florida Effect the Wrong Gamecock Players

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 2, 2008


Going into Spurrier’s fourth season at South Carolina one mantra has been clear and that is “Be like Florida.” Recruit, practice, play & break the law like a Gator and you can win like a Gator.

Over the past three years Spurrier’s players have attempted this mantra only to fail. Several arrests for underage drinking (one the finally landed the greatest Gamecock recruit out of a scholarship), the keying of a professors car, a few simple possession arrests & two fights in which two Gamecock players were winning only to be stabbed do not measure up to the motto “Great law breakers make great football players.”

Now the message seems to be finally sinking in. Two Gamecocks are starting to understand this message & damn it they could be fine football players for the Ole Ball (Sac) Coach and USC. Just one slight problem…the players are women and football ain’t their sport, basketball is.

Jasmine Payne (left), Ashlie Billingslea

18-year-old Jasmine Payne and 19-year-old Ashlie Billingslea, both freshman guards, were arrested after a search of a dorm room in South Quad dormitory by campus po po.

Check out the list of crimes they’re charged with;

  • Credit card theft
  • Credit card fraud
  • Petit larceny
  • Two counts of possession with intent to distribute crack cocaine in proximity to a school
  • Two counts of possession with intent to distribute marijuana in proximity to a school

This might be the straw that breaks the camels back. It’s bad enough that USC football players can’t break the law like Florida but the USC Lady Gamecocks certainly can.

Per university policy, both players have been suspended from the team. Gamecocks coach Susan Walvius declined comment Tuesday through a team spokesperson.

“According to university policy, when something like that happens the student-athlete is suspended from team activities, and we just proceed from there,” team spokesperson Diana Koval said. “As a department and staff, we don’t have any other comment but that.”

The Ole Ball (Sac) Coach also chimed in.

“This is a tragedy that two young women with such potential can do such a thing. It’s tragic because my dang’um boys are to lazy or scared to be real superstars. Christ on a shingle even the women are beating us now.”

Posted in Crack, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, drugs, Florida Gators, Gamecocks, Po Po, Police, pot, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, South Carolina Gamecocks, Steve Spurrier | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »