Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Posts Tagged ‘Dallas Cowboys’

So you think you’re smarter than a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 29, 2009

In order to become a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader you to know how to dance, have a lot of enthusiasm and grace, have the ability to do high kicks and splits and have a bubbly personality. You should also look damn good skimpy dancewear. Oh yeah you better know a thing or two about the Middle East as well. 

Yes it’s that time of year again: Dallas Cowboy cheerleader tryouts season. The ladies trying out will have to pass a personal interview, prove that they were a snobby prom queen and pass an 80 question written test that ranges from the history of the Cowboys to the countries that border Iraq. 

Here are some sample questions. Some I might have add some for comedy reasons you should be able to pick those out. 

1. Where will the Cowboys play their final home game this season? 

2. Where will the Cowboys hold their 2009 summer training camp? 

3. Name the Cowboys legend who served as head coach for the team’s first 29 years. 

4. What year was the Cowboys’ first season in the NFL? 

(A) 1960

(B) 1962

(C) 1964

(D) 1965 

5. How many stars are on the Cowboys Cheerleaders’ uniform? 

6. Who is commissioner of the National Football League? 

7. How many yards are in an NFL end zone? 

(A) 10

(B) 20

(C) 30

(D) 50 

8. Name one country that borders Iraq. 

9. How many blunts have Michael Irvin smoked?

(A) 0

(B) 10

(C) 80

(D) 500

(E) Enough to be a Hall of Famer.

10. If you get within range during your sideline activities, would you be willing to kill Tony Siragusa? 

11. Would you be willing to join a dance team member for a “party” with owner Jerry Jones? 

12. What is your name?

13. What is your favorite color?

14. What is the terminal velocity of a coconut laden sallow? 

15. What is the sound a doggie makes? 

The answers will be revealed on next week’s episode of “So you think you’re smarter than a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.”

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Posted in Cheerleaders, Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, NFL Football | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Oh yeah this was a fine pick for Dallas…

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 30, 2009

Behold David Beuhler, the place kicker from USC and 5th round draft selection of the Dallas Cowboys. Riding a mini horse just tells me he has a sense of humor. It is those velcro sneakers that let me know he’s retarded. Think his cleats will have laces? 

Your move, Gramatica brothers.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, dumbass, NFL, NFL Draft, NFL Football | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Tony Romo = Eminem’s latest victim

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on April 8, 2009

Where have you gone Eminem? Detroit turns its' lonely eyes toward you.

You know when you’ve reached the pinnacle of failure when Eminem has you in his sights and that’s just where Tony Romo and Jessica “Cowboys Jinx” Simpson are at the present moment.

Fresh off his latest retirement, Eminem, has a new single called We Made You that should make Cowboy fans everywhere seeing Washington Redskin red. Is it me or has anyone else noticed that Eminem seems to retire and comeback more than Brett Favre?

In the video which can be seen here, Romo & Simpson lead off playing catch with a what appears to be a hamburger and dirty dances on the General Lee. The video also has appearances by Sarah Palin & Ellen DeGeneres. Not since David Lee Roth’s “Just a Gigolo” has such a sweeping cultural indictment been unleashed on a sleeping populace.

For some odd reason I can actually see Romo and Simpson dancing on the General Lee in real life, as for Eminem in a few more years and his transformation into Weird Al will be complete.

This isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, hasn’t 2 Live Crew’s “Face Down, Ass Up” been used as a de-facto anthem for the position that Cowboys fans have been in at the end of each season for the past 13 years?

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Eminem, Jessica Simpson, NFL Football, satire, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Calling all depressed Cowboy fans

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 13, 2009

Are you down in the dumps because the T.O. experiment was a colossal failure? Maybe you’re depressed because the Steelers are the one true king of the NFL.

Well…I have just the solution for you.

GET DRUNK! Off the Jerome Bettis edition of Jose Cuervo! That way you will feel like how Pacman Jones feels while in strip-clubs:

jose

Alone, angry, depressed and drunk all at once.

Posted in Adam Jones, Dallas Cowboys, NFL, Pacman Jones, Pittsburgh Steelers | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Pacman Jones is getting sued? You don’t say

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 22, 2009

Well, here’s a shocker. Pacman Jones is being sued, except this time he is being sued by some stripper; no instead he’s being sued by his own attorney.

“Manny Arora claims Jones stiffed him for fees “in excess of $10,000” on 18 different cases in which Arora represented either Jones’ family members or friends.

None of the cases mentioned in the lawsuit filed in Fulton State Court involve Jones directly.

The suit lists Deborah Jones, James Jones, Lewis Kueffor and Fleming Daniels as the defendants Arora assisted. The charges against them vary from speeding to kidnapping, simple battery and, in the case of Daniels, murder.”

The bottom line is this:

You are the company that you keep.

That’s why Pacman had so much trouble during his career; he might not have been raised to know any better and was unable to leave that life behind. When someone with that kind of background gets money this is what sometimes happens.

Some people don’t know when they have it good. Given the opportunity to do something that you do well and enjoy, and to have the opportunity to accumulate wealth that would make living that much easier, how can you mess that up? How can you not see what you have going for you? You can’t blame your present situation on your past upbringing because these are choices and if you did not come from “easy street”, then you should appreciate your success that much more. To say the least, his career may be over. After what ESPN Outside The Lines showed  clearly that Adam Jones does not get it.

Word of advice to this attorney…if Pacman wants to meet you at a strip club to talk things over, don’t go.

Posted in Adam Jones, court tv, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, legal troubles, NFL Football, Pacman Jones | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

More reasons as to why the 2008 Dallas Cowboys are genuinely failboats

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 21, 2009

family-fued

As if we need to point out why the Dallas Cowboys are the most overpaid failboats in this year’s NFL, a new report has surfaced that points to one person and it isn’t TO (surprisingly).

According to the Dallas News there are reports of tardiness, lack of respect, crappy coaching and lastly there are Tony Romo’s horrible practice habits. I’m sure there are some Romosexuals that are in a tizzy now!

And I didn’t even mention that fact Tony Romo was continuing to be an industrial grade turnover machine.

According to five sources, several offensive players lost respect for [offensive coordinator Jason] Garrett for his failure to corral quarterback Tony Romo in practice. Romo, sources said, often forced throws in practice and often did not treat practice work consistently.

The quarterback’s practice habits were so bad, sources said, that they affected the way he played in games and could have factored into the offense’s problems.

Sources said Owens was upset that Romo directed more passes at tight end and close friend Jason Witten as opposed to the other receivers who he deemed open. Owens has declined to discuss that issue.

I for one, I am shocked. You’d never suspect discipline problems watching TO scream at Romo on the sidelines and the head coach looking like he just awoke from a coma.

However the last paragraph does indicate that maybe TO might have had a point a few months back. Of course this reports also states that well TO never really showed up on time to meetings so can you take him seriously?

Owens was a repeat offender in being late for team meetings, sources said. With the Cowboys needing to defeat Philadelphia to reach the playoffs in the season finale, Owens was late for a Dec. 23 meeting, citing traffic problems two days before Christmas. Owens declined comment on his tardiness.

Scrip clubs, Ed Werder, and Jessica Simpson obviously contributed quite a bit as well. There is only one move to make now Jerry Jones…Sign Michael Vick. He’s got the rap sheet you’re looking for AND the inflated ego, perfect.

Then again this Dallas Team reminds me of the 1995 Dallas Cowboys…oh wait they won the Super Bowl that year…never mind.

dalls-anti-star

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Evil Empire, failboats, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Broken Plays: Damn it college football season is over edition

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 9, 2009

This is officially the greatest picture ever to be posted on the web and it comes to us from the Third Saturday in Blogtober and boy do ever have an awesome recruiting update.

Alabama running back Glen Coffee has decided he’s good enough to go but not good enough to picked first and thus by the Lions has decided to go pro.

Just step away! Please!

Brett Favre is talking about retirement AGAIN!

“I’m an emotional guy, and I’m sure people are tired of seeing me get emotional. People would probably say, ‘Oh, here he goes again.’ I think it would just be better for me to just thank the Jets, and I sincerely mean that. It was well worth what I invested. But I’m going to just quietly step away if that’s what happens.'”

If Brett Favre’s retirement was at the center of the Clint Eastwood classic The Unforgiven then I’m sure this line would be said:

“You better bury Brett Favre right! Better not go cuttin’ up, nor otherwise harm no whores. Or I’ll come back and kill every one of you sons-o-bitches.”

Hey Brett, just pop a few vicodin and mull it over.

owens

Great TO thinks he’s a blogger now and has a blog on Yardbarker.

“On Cris Carter’s “shoot ’em in the head” comment:”All I know is, if I’d been the one who had said that about him, what would everyone have thought?”

Well my answer is… Not much, really. We would have just figured that you were being the same sanctimonious asshole you have always been.

Three of the four spots in this year’s NBA Dunk Contest field have been decided, but the fourth one, will be decided by a vote from the fans. I think Joe Alexander wants your vote.

Posted in Alabama Crimson Tide, Brett Favre, coach o, Dallas Cowboys, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, NBA, New York Jets, Tennessee Volunteers, Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Game Over in Dallas for Pacman Jones, look out Raiders here he comes

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 8, 2009

Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Jerry Jonesky

Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Jerry Jonesky

Somewhere Adam Jones is sitting quietly by a MacBook whilst googling “City with NFL Franchise + Abundance of Titty Bars + Relaxed domestic abuse laws” as a means of plotting the next move in his, to this point, masterfully orchestrated career.

The drama in Dallas never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday I could hear the laughter coming out of the Titians practice facility when the news of Pacman Jones’ release from Dallas broke.

The release came after “Outside the Lines” reporter John Barr contacted snitched to the NFL, the Cowboys and Jones’ attorneys about a piece scheduled to air this Sunday in which three Atlanta-area men allege that Jones arranged for someone to shoot at them two months after the football player was suspended by NFL commissioner Goodell in 2007.

Wow, really? I thought he’d turned his life around…*Sarcasm*

The shooting allegedly occurred outside an Atlanta strip club. One of the victims told “Outside the Lines” that he had a dispute with Jones inside the strip club and that not long after he and the two others left the club, a hail of bullets struck their car. Ironically the NFL knew about that incident, but charges were never brought against anyone because the victims did not see the shooter.

“Outside the Lines” obtained information that police, investigating a separate Atlanta-area case, had been told by an informant that Jones ordered the June 2007 shooting following his dispute with one of the men. Police have said while the case remains open they are not actively investigating.

Shocking I can’t be the only one who thought he’d quietly finish out his career as a Cowboy without incident. *Even more sarcasm*

Pacman told the Dallas Morning News “It will be a lawsuit in a week against ESPN. That’s stupid. It’s so stupid I have no more comments.”

Woo Hoo let’s all hope this reaches Judge Judy’s docket!

“He was surprised, and I think he was obviously somewhat hurt,” said Worrick Robinson, Jones’ agent. “At the same time, he understands the business behind what is happening here.”

“We don’t have any reason to believe at this point that that off-the-field incident had anything to do with the team’s decision today,” Robinson said. “I know there was certainly a lot of bad that came out of that situation, but there was some good that came out of that situation as well.”

Jones’ attorney added he expects the cornerback will be back with some team in 2009.

“He is young. He has a lot of ability and he is eager to get back on the field,” Robinson said.

I believe he is correct in that statement after all there’s always the Raiders I’m sure Al Davis will meet him at the crossroads, or he can resume that wrestling career.

I wouldn’t be surprised if his next TV appearance is on The First 48 or Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Posted in Adam Jones, Al Davis, Assault & Battery, Atlanta, Dallas Cowboys, NFL Football, Oakland Raiders, Pacman, Pacman Jones | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Yes we scored now let me smack my bitch up

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 29, 2008

I have dubbed yesterdays match up between Dallas and Philadelphia as “The Best Comedy of the Season” for many reasons. If you watched the game then I’m sure you can see why.

Yeppers that video is Eagles owner Jeff Lurie smacking his wife, Christina, right between the eyes in an attempt to perform the dreaded high five. I believe this was after the 3rd touchdown scored. After the fourth touchdown he took a baseball bat to her kneecaps.

It is rather fun watching billionaires attempt to perform average Joe activities such as hand-slapping.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Fail, NFL Football, Philadelphia Eagles | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Can someone please tell Roger Goodell that the NFL is facing larger issues than misbehaving mascots and the usage of the words “Ref you suck”?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 20, 2008

Wow that might be my longest title ever. The NFL is tons of image problems right now, from steroid usage, Spy-Gate, horrid officiating & Pac-Man Jones. Given all that Sheriff Goodell has deemed misbehaving mascots atop his priority list.

His first target is Rowdy who is the Dallas Cowboys’ answer to Nebraska’s Big Red that doubles as a mascot. Tim MacMahon of the Dallas Morning News warns that Rowdy is about get his ass handed to him for of all things, doing his job which is to have fun and entertain the crowd.

That darn rabble-rouser got himself on double-secret probation with the NFL. His trouble started when T.O. and Rowdy exchanged a chest bump after a touchdown in the Monday night game against the Eagles.

Some uptight NFL dudes got their britches in a bunch about prearranged celebrations involving mascots and threatened to slap the Cowboys with a five-figure fine. Jerry Jones … eventually decided that it’d be in the Cowboys’ best interests to minimize the mascot’s exposure during games.

Rowdy is banished to the locker room except for pregame and a brief third-quarter appearance to fire T-shirts into the crowd.

Please tell me this is some misunderstanding. Look, I hate Dallas (sorry Joel’s wife) but this issue goes way beyond Dallas. With all the problems the NFL is facing right now, one would tend to think that wasn’t a big deal and overlook the whole thing.

This is a complete joke. I remember that the whole point of mascots was supposed to get the crowd pumped up. Last I checked, college football teams often center around their mascots. It sounds like to me like Goodell just has a problem with Jerry Jones. He needs to focus on real issues.

Even though the officiating this season makes the SEC referee crew headed by Penn Wagers look like they never miss a call, don’t you dare yell that they suck.

Arlene Ryan-Veldhuis has been a Tampa Bay Bucs season ticket holder for more than 10 years. She sits in the third row behind the Bucs bench on the 32 yard line. She loves to cheer for her team. The problem is she has a loud booming voice, so of course she can be heard.

Although she cheers on her favorite team, Arlene gets perturbed (like most fans such as myself) when a NFL referee makes a call that she thinks is wrong. And this year there have been a lot of wrong calls.

She says that everlasting phrase that she screams when she thinks there has been a bad call. She yells, “Ref, you suck!” when she is upset with the so called “zebra on the field.”

Some uptight fans such as Sandy Schene take offense at the fact Arlene actually gets excited and into the game. So her solution was to tattle tell about Arlene to the Tampa Sports Authority.

The Tampa Sports Authority in turn says Arlene is violating the new NFL policy which says “Profanity (swearing/off color/offensive language) will not be tolerated on the Tampa Sports Authority property. Patrons will be ejected for using offensive language due to this rule that the NFL has implemented.

Arlene claims she was told by the TSA to please stop saying, “Ref, you suck.” The woman says she doesn’t understand why it is considered offensive. She states it is “not one of the seven words you can’t say on television” and she thinks she should be able to express herself.

Sure Arlene looks like a transvestite with a bad wig; I can see the shaved beard and Adam’s apple…sorry, maybe I need to update the prescription on my contacts…anyway that’s not the point. The point is you trying to tell me that the NFL will also regulate free speech?

Wow, have they not ever seen HBO sports, where you hear the coaches using curse words, you never new existed?

You suck isn’t profanity.

If the NFL is attempting to censor speech then they won’t be around much longer. That’s what makes the games fun. She has a right to her opinion. She thinks the ref sucks, thus, that is her right.

I would have caused a riot if I was there.

I do understand the other side from the other fan. I’ve been to events where there were drunk and loud idiots that just ruin it for everybody. Either way, nobody likes a snitch-bitch.

It is weird that the sport is so violent, yet they have a problem with “you suck.” Maybe they need to find another sport to follow.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Free Speech, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, Roger Goodell | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »