Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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Posts Tagged ‘Dead Drunk’

A Zamboni + Alcohol = DUI Fun!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

I’ve done a lot of crazy and stupid stuff in my life but I swear I have never stolen a zamboni and driven it drunk. Adam Patterson of Portland, Maine has apparently has done just that, which makes me very envious.

Patterson faces drunk driving and burglary charges are the Portland Po Po found him outside the Cumberland County Civic Center just sitting on top of the zamboni while being “extremely” drunk.

The police allege that the civic center appear to have been broken into. Come on can he actually own a zamboni? No? Well alrighty then.

Grand Theft Zamboni > Grand Theft Auto. That guy’s my hero. Anyone who’s ever spent much time in rinks knows the Zamboni driver is drunk and/or high 24-7 anyway. Fat, Drunk and Driving a Zamboni describes just about every Zamboni driver I’ve ever seen.

See? Something interesting happens in Maine. Of course this is once a year but never mind that.

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Posted in Dead Drunk, drunk, dumbass | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

A Peek Inside of Billy Clyde’s World

Posted by Joel Jackson on November 17, 2008

Inside the Kentucky Wildcat Locker Room After Friday’s Loss To VMI

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Wow!!! You fucktards really did it now. I cannot believe it. You are not about to embarrass me again. Wait, too late. You guys are really a group of fine individuals. 2 years in a row. I go to Sew Fine Tailors on Euclid Avenue & tell them to hook me up with the finest suit they have, so ol’ Billy Clyde can look sharp as a tack on opening night, and this is how you sissy merries repay me??? Jeremy, bring me my special Gardner-Webb flask…

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(Billy Clyde takes a swig)

You 22 mother fuckers are making me the fucking laughingstock of college basketball. You hear that??? That is ol’ Billy Donovon laughing his ass off. He turned down this job because their wasn’t enough hair gel in this barren wasteland of a state to last a year. He’s got his own personal Soul Glo guy just to style his hair. But not ol’ Billy Clyde. I don’t need gallons of Royal Crown Pomade in my contract. All I need is some of that Kentucky bourbon and some hot poon. Glynn, show these boys the action I got lined up after I leave here. Where’s that fancy iPhone??? Pass it around the locker room and show these sorry ass losers what they almost ruined for Billy Clyde.

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This here is Becky. She is a Miller Lite girl. Now I don’t waste time on beer because it gets in the way. Now you boys might think ol’ Billy Clyde would be in hog heaven, with a hot piece of tail & massive quantities of beer. But that is why you boys are losers. You don’t think. See, ol’ Billy Clyde is warming up.

(Takes 3 more huge swigs out of G-W gas can flask)

Billy Clyde wants it all. That white suit wearing asshole in Louisville is laughing his ass off at ol’ Billy Clyde. I want it all. That piss ant is getting all the glory in this state. I want one of those fancy banners in the rooftops too, so I can use it as a blanket when I am bedding trim in my off time. Tracy, I need 3 tonight.

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Damn Tracy, times must be hard. The economy is in the tank but I get a 4, 7, and 5??? I thought this was Lexington, not Morgantown??? What about the douchebag guys in the background??? Oh well. Bring them too. First time for everything, like you dipshits losing to a 6 win team. See boys, this is how ol’ Billy Clyde is rolling tonight, since you just ruined my season. Thanks. Career high my ass. There’s a reason I left College Station. That cow town had 3 hot chicks, and all of them were horrible in bed. If you are ever driving through Texas & wanna find College Station, let ol’ Billy Clyde tell you how to find it. You will know you are getting close when you start seeing the sheep back ass up to the fences.

Well, you sorry sacks of shit are excused. I will deal with you tomorrow after I give this poon some of Big Billy Clyde. Towelboy, I am taking some towels home. Gonna need that flask too.

Posted in A&E's Intervention, Adolph Rupp, Billy Clyde, Billy Donovan, Billy Gillispie, College Basketball, Condoms, Dead Drunk, Douche Bag, drunk, DUI, gardner webb, Kentucky Wildcats, NCAA, SEC, SEC Coaches, Sports, Texas A&M, whiners | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »