Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Posts Tagged ‘drunk’

John Daly proves he fails at driving

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 23, 2009

Now that John Daly is back in the PGA things just do not get any easier for him. Daly’s sex apparel tour bus is still trucking albeit it’s not as tall as before since he knocked off the top going through a low-clearance tunnel.   

Daly was driving through the Bankhead Tunnel in Mobile, Alabama when his “I wish I was 70’s Star Wars Van” bus didn’t clear the 12-foot tunnel. The tunnel tore off the fans and awnings off the bus which landed on a passing Cadillac. Clearly the lesson here is don’t go to Alabama! Knocking off the top is how they say “we don’t like your kind” on Alabamese. 

“According to the traffic accident report from the Mobile Police Department, Daly was traveling eastbound toward the tunnel. A sign warns that the tunnel entrance is just 12 feet high, and dangling chains determine if a vehicle is too tall. 

In his witness report, Jimmy Roberson of Mobile was just exiting the tunnel when the fan and awnings on top of Daly’s RV crashed into his 1998 Cadillac DeVille. Roberson’s windshield, roof and trunk were damaged in the 2:32 p.m. accident, according to the police report.” 

To be fair, Daly claims those mystic chains were not in place when the incident happened and the police told him that this sort of thing happens to all the alcoholic RV driving golfers all the time. 

I find this hard to believe. Since when is John Daly awake and sober at 2:30 in the afternoon? 

Daly also doesn’t believe these alleged “head & necks” injuries either. 

funny just read now the guy has Neck and Shoulder injuries?? From what??? something hitting his trunk?!   

Why not? It happened to Brett Favre. 

Thanks to Twitter insurance fraud might actually see a decline.

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Posted in Alabama, drunk, John Daly, PGA | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

The fans of the Siena Saints are accused of not being so saintly

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 31, 2009

As March Madness is coming to a close & I’m constantly cursing my picks because they’re failures, I’m reminded of the upset picks that I successfully picked. One such pick was Siena over Ohio State.

In what was one of the better opening round games this year the Saints of Siena defeated the Buckeyes of Ohio State in Dayton Ohio. Local Ohioans were heart broken and to compound matters worse the fans of Siena were apparently drunk and rowdy leaving Dayton residences and Ohio State fans with delicate sensibilities upset. The Albany Times Union reports that one Ohio State fan in particular had the following to say:

Thank God Siena fans have left Dayton, Ohio! Your local fans were anything but saints when they were in Dayton for the NCAA Tournament. The students were drunk, rude and profane. Worst yet, the adults, alumni and parents were just as bad. Thank the UD Arena security officer’s restraint for not throwing all of them out on Sunday. Fans cursed out security officers and other fans. The yelling of the “F” word in front of elderly and young children was unbelievable. Is it like this at home or is this just a gift to those they visit? Louisville spared Indy. Don’t come back!

Gene Jarman
West Carrollton, Ohio

Sweet! Not only were student drunk but the parents and alumni were plastered as well. Now I do not condone the yelling of the “F” word in front of children or the elderly however how many of you reading this has been in a sports bar where there is always one dude in an Ohio State jersey making an ass of his self? I bet that one dude will also write strongly-worded letters to out-of-state newspapers as well.

Please note I’m not picking on Ohio State (this time) but rather I’m picking on “Gene” because if people don’t hear the “F” word from drunken basketball fans, they won’t hear it anywhere else. Not at the park, not in the nursing home, and definitely not at the bingo parlor. Get my point? And quite honestly I’ve been to a regional in Dayton (1995)…everyone should thank God when they leave.

Posted in drunk, March Madness, NCAA Basketball, ohio state buckeyes, Siena, tOSU | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The New Jersey Nets are finding better ways to drive fans away than just by playing bad

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 4, 2009

If you ever needed a reason not to attend a New Jersey Nets basketball game, then I have one for you. Alcohol may have been a factor…at least I hope so.

Just watch the video and you’ll see and check out the shirtless Asian with the stuffed panda, Warren Sapp ain’t got anything on him, other than heterosexuality, money and a better station in life.

I have some alternate state mottos for New Jersey after seeing this video:

  • New Jersey Nets Basketball – TASTE THE RAINBOW!
  • New Jersey: Come for the hypodermic needle laced beaches, stay for the Gay Asian Stuffed Panda Dance.

Why was Kim Jong Il there? That’s the real question!

Posted in drunk, metrosexual, NBA, Nets, New Jersey Nets, So You Think You Can Dance | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Daughter of Florida assistant coach will make any police officer in Iowa sorry

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 17, 2009

Pick a team, bitch.

If there’s one thing in life I hate it would be spoiled whiney children. So basically I hate almost every kid of an athlete and/or coach. This also applies to anyone who feels “privileged” because who their family is. 

Dan McCarney is the former failboat head football coach of the Iowa State Cyclones and current defensive line coach the University of Florida. 

His firstborn Jillian, 21, seems to be a little aggressive…I say that because she was arrested on Saturday night for assaulting a police officer and keeping a disorderly house. 

“Police say Jillian McCarney also told officers her father would fight them and threatened violence against them several times. According to the police report, McCarney asked the officer, “Do you know who my dad is? He is Dan McCarney.” Jillian McCarney told the officer she “guaranteed all her charges will be ‘dropped’ because her name is ‘McCarney’ and they have ‘a lot of money,'” according to police.” 

Ha! If it was my child who said that I would contact the arresting officer and beg him to find more charges to level on her ass. 

The charge of “Keeping a disorderly house,” in case you didn’t know, is refusing to turn down the music and telling your drunker than hell friends to go home. I suppose it’s better than “keeping a house of ill repute” 

One of the great ironies in sports is the fact coaches portray and even embody an almost God-like ability to be the father of their team, but so many of them are total failures as fathers of their biological families who they abandoned long ago in order to pursue their career. 

Dumb bitch. They’re campus cops, just show them your tits and shotgun a beer with them and you’ll stay out of the papers.

Posted in Dan McCarney, drunk, Florida Gators, Iowa Hawkeyes, Iowa State Cyclones, spoiled brats | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Nothing says father and son bonding like getting drunk and letting the kid drive

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 17, 2009

I was going get on my soapbox about the poor parenting skills of Phoenix Suns’ guard Jason Richard and his desire to go slightly over the speed limit while his 3-year-old son was not properly buckled in. After all he was clocked for going 90 in a 35 MPH zone but I changed my mind. 

I have a better story to tell involving poor parenting skills instead. Take two soccer coaches, an eight-year-old, a van and a bottle of whiskey shake and stir and you have Disney’s newest straight to DVD release. 

Mark A. Belanger, 34, of Sarasota, was arrested on February 8th for allowing his son to drive the family van which almost hit two Toronto FC coaches who were walking nearby.

“Belanger told police he was “feeling woozy and didn’t want to drive.” He also told them he let his child drive “because he wanted to have a bonding moment with his son.” The two pedestrians nearly hit by the child driver are coaches with a Major League Soccer club team, Toronto FC. The team has been in the area for about a week in a training camp.

Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver’s side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car’s radiator, the police report said.

When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose. The boy told police his father took “liquid medicine in order to feel better.” He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.”

Not fair! My mother would not allow me to drive when she got sauced until I was eleven-years-old. Man kids have got made these days. This officially makes the 8 year old the best driver in Florida. Also Belanger should’ve taken his kid to a whorehouse. That’s how you bond with your son.

This is the problem with today’s children. They grew up on Grand Theft Auto, so he crashed into a tree. I grew up on Mario Kart; I would have shot the tree with a red shell and kept it moving.

Posted in Douche Bag, drunk, DUI, Florida, Soccer | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

I only punched a tow truck don’t taser me bro!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 4, 2009

I always wondered what happened to Kubiac after 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose' went off the air

Just when I thought the stupidest 20-something year old athlete in America was Michael Phelps, along comes a Buckeye with a black eye.

Meet Alex Boone, former offensive lineman for Ohio State. Alex was considered a potential top pick for the NFL draft however resisting arrest, threatening officers, jumping onto the tops of several cars and banging on garage doors and let’s not leave out punching a tow truck, will most likely cause Alex to slip a few spots in the upcoming draft. And yes he was tasered…twice. Not for nothing, that truck had it coming.

Alex was supposed to be in California to focus on training for the NFL draft however he decided to get a wee-bit tipsy and cause a ruckus. Of course when the police arrived Alex was to busy attempting to punch out the windows to a tow truck & banging on garage doors to notice them. When he did finally notice them he decided to flee and hide on someone’s porch.

When the police attempted to complete to booking process Alex was uncooperative and threatening toward deputies that they have not yet been able to complete it so that’s when he was tasered….twice.

“Alex Boone was taken to Saddleback Hospital by sheriff’s deputies for injuries resulting from being shot with a stun gun and being heavily intoxicated, said sheriff’s spokesman Jim Amormino. He was arrested on suspicion of resisting arrest, threatening officers, jumping onto the tops of several cars and banging on garage doors around 11:30 p.m. Sunday at the Barcelona apartments at 23500 Windsong.

When deputies arrived, Amormino said, Boone was trying to punch out the driver’s side window of a tow truck; he then jumped onto the back of the truck. Boone then tried to flee police, Amormino said.”

And now it is time for the Jim Tressel quote from the Columbus Dispatch:

“Alex headed to California to focus solely on his training. It is so disappointing to hear that he had this mishap. His intentions were to prepare for his NFL dream.”

Umm…Jimbo getting so drunk that you punch a tow truck, flee from the police, threaten the police & get tasered not once but twice isn’t a “mishap”. It’s another stupid idiot that should have known better. However public intoxication, stupid stunts and an arrest does make it sound like he has been doing his best to get ready for the NFL. So throwing millions upon millions of dollars at him will probably solve all of this.

Al Davis likes his hustle, and claims to have beaten up a Model T or two back in the day, but he wants to know if the tow truck had a “man-step”.

Posted in big ten football, Crime & Punishment, drunk, dumbass, Jim Tressel, NFL Draft, ohio state buckeyes, tOSU | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

This radio announcer knows how to party

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 14, 2009

podolak

Meet Ed Podolak. He is a former Iowa Hawkeye quarterback and running back and a member of the Kansas City Chiefs’ Hall of Fame. Ed has been apart of the Iowa radio broadcast team since 1982.

When the Hawkeyes went to the Outback Bowl to literally ass-rape the South Carolina Gamecocks, Ed decided he was going to party like it was 1999 (Not bad for someone who is 62). As a result some photos of Ed mysteriously (as always) got taken and published on this little thing we refer to as the internet.

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta, was none to happy about this.

“I have had a chance to see them and I am deeply disappointed,” Barta said in a prepared statement. “The pictures do not represent the image and expectations of the University of Iowa We work hard to make sure our student-athletes, coaches and staff understand what we expect of them,” Barta said. “Clearly, we hold them to a high standard. It is important we hold everyone representing the Hawkeyes to a similar standard.

To make matters worse this isn’t the first time Podolak has had alcohol related issues.

“In 1997, Iowa City police charged Podolak with public intoxication and interference with official acts after campus police found him sleeping in the grass on the University of Iowa Pentacrest.

At the time of the arrest, a blood test found he had a blood-alcohol level of 0.23, nearly three times the level at which a person is considered intoxicated under current Iowa law.

Iowa officials said at the time of the 1997 incident that another arrest on similar charges could prompt them to dismiss Podolak from the radio broadcast. Podolak has been doing Hawkeye football broadcasts for more than 25 years.

“It was 11 years ago and I’ve made efforts to make sure that situation wouldn’t happen again,” Podolak said. “I am not sure what else I can say about that.”

Podolak declined to answer specific questions about the woman in the pictures.”

I don’t blame Podolak for not commenting on the woman…she’s uh…how should say this? Homely…yeah that sounds better than fat.

“I don’t want to do anything to damage the university because it is my heart and soul. The love I have for the university is very important to me,” Podolak said. “The proper procedure is for all of us to assess where we are at over the weekend.”

Since the pictures have been released Podolak has decided to “retire”.

Posted in big ten football, Crazy Women, drunk, Iowa Hawkeyes, South Carolina Gamecocks | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

A Zamboni + Alcohol = DUI Fun!

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 31, 2008

I’ve done a lot of crazy and stupid stuff in my life but I swear I have never stolen a zamboni and driven it drunk. Adam Patterson of Portland, Maine has apparently has done just that, which makes me very envious.

Patterson faces drunk driving and burglary charges are the Portland Po Po found him outside the Cumberland County Civic Center just sitting on top of the zamboni while being “extremely” drunk.

The police allege that the civic center appear to have been broken into. Come on can he actually own a zamboni? No? Well alrighty then.

Grand Theft Zamboni > Grand Theft Auto. That guy’s my hero. Anyone who’s ever spent much time in rinks knows the Zamboni driver is drunk and/or high 24-7 anyway. Fat, Drunk and Driving a Zamboni describes just about every Zamboni driver I’ve ever seen.

See? Something interesting happens in Maine. Of course this is once a year but never mind that.

Posted in Dead Drunk, drunk, dumbass | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

The Penn State Mascot likes to get his drink on

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on December 2, 2008

It’s been a rough couple of years for the Penn State football team, at least when the subject of arrests is brought up.

James Sheep is a senior at Penn State and is also the Nittany Lion mascot. Last Saturday Sheep proved he can be a member of the football team by getting arrested for driving under the influence.

Maybe the Sheep was a little too excited about winning the Land Grant Trophy and going to the Rose Bowl, but that doesn’t explain why not only he chose to be an idiot and drive while intoxicated but also he was playing overcrowded taxi as well.

The officer who made the stop saw that the vehicle was overloaded, with passengers piled onto each other and blocking the driver’s view.

Now I’m sure the other passengers were perfectly alright to drive. *Sarcasm*

He was arrested at 3:15 AM on Saturday morning, leaving plenty of time to go through the booking process and make bail. Didn’t anyone notice he had a hangover for the game?

It will be up to JoePa on whether Sheep travels to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl. No word of ESPN’s Outside the Lines is planning a follow-up.

In fairness to the Lion, the final home football game means now he has to pull duty at PSU basketball games. I’d be drinking too.

Posted in big ten, big ten football, drunk, DUI, Joe Pa, Joe Paterno, Mascots, Penn State, Penn State Nittany Lions | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Jim Leyritz will struggle through this…somehow

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 19, 2008

For those of you that might not know or remember Jim Leyritz, he is a former douche-bag Yankee who stands accused of being involved in an accident while driving drunk, in which a young mother was killed.

Of course our legal system, being what is, means Leyritz is currently out on bail awaiting trial. The judge had ordered a Breathalyzer device be installed in his car until the trial.

Last week Leyritz’s attorneys asked the judge to remove the device because it was somewhat “bothersome.”

“He cannot leave the car with a valet, because it cannot be started by the valet,” his lawyers said in a statement. And he “can’t eat things like chicken Marsala,” said his ex-wife, Karri, because certain foods cause false positives.

So… all the valets in New York have also been eating Chicken Marsala?

Jim Leyritz needs to be able to use valet parking, people. Do you know how hard it is to remember where you parked your car after drinking three bottles of wine during dinner?

The victim’s lifeless body has requested that her body be re-animated because her current state of lifelessness is “bothersome.”

Maybe the court could replace his Breathalyzer with the barrel of a loaded shotgun.

Hey Jim fuck you asshole. I feel so sorry for you.

Posted in Crime & Punishment, drunk, DUI, Jim Leyritz, new york yankees, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »