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Posts Tagged ‘Kiffin’

Breaking down the 2009 Tennessee recruiting class

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 6, 2009

helmet

Well signing day has come and gone and of course most Tennessee fans are happy with this years results given that King Kiffin®  had a limited time getting them. Plus this class is ranked considerably ranked higher than last years.

With this class being ranked so much higher I found it more difficult to make fun of analyze them properly,  but I’ll give a try.

Since last year’s breakdown was such a success I’m here to breakdown this year’s recruiting class. Hopefully I’ll find another gem like Carson Anderson who is currently writing the “The Tao of Fat & Stupid Phil Fulmer” as I type.

askew1

Jerod Askew ****

Position:  Middle Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Virginia Tech
  • West Virginia
  • Alabama
  • Clemson
  • Maryland
  • Michigan
  • NC State
  • Oklahoma
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Speed
  • Toughness
  • Hitting ability
  • 4.7 GPA
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • 4.7 GPA. He studies too much when he should be learning the playbook and breaking laws
  • Size

Prediction:

This is one that Saban wanted and the Bama nation (of trailers) is not happy to lose this one. He will apply that lofty GPA to graduate early, cure cancer, develop time traveling wormholes & prank call Saban every chance he gets. This will all be completed as he sits on the bench because he proved he was indeed smarter than the entire coaching put together.

edwards

Mike Edwards ****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

  • Cincinnati
  • Illinois
  • Indiana
  • Michigan
  • Minnesota

Strengths:

  • Great cover skills
  • Not afraid of contact

Weaknesses:

  • Wears funny looking hats

Prediction:

Will most likely lose an ear due to forgetting to take out the earring while he is being beaten down for wearing that funny hat.

gordon

Eric Gordon ****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

  • Texas Tech
  • Alabama
  • Oklahoma
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Speed
  • Natural athletic ability
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Dazed look on his face

Prediction:

There’s a reason as to why he face looks so dazed… Here’s a hint…he is clueless as to who Phelps is because if he knew…. Let’s leave it at that.

green1

James Green ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Auburn
  • Ole Miss
  • NC State
  • Ohio State
  • South Carolina
  • Syracuse

Strengths:

  • Great hands
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Speed
  • Looks like he can’t grow a full mustache

Prediction:

He will most likely injure his upper lip attempting to shave the mystery mustache over and over again. It’s a mystery because no one else can see it! ZING!

jackson

Janzen Jackson *****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

  • Texas A&M
  • Alabama
  • LSU

Strengths:

  • Body Control
  • Burst out of breaks
  • Tackling ability
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs

Weaknesses:

  • Backpedal quickness
  • Coverage awareness
  • First name is to similar to cheesy designer Jantzen who makes the worse freaking backpacks ever!!!
  • Boy-band good looks
  • Rumored to have a huge crush on Latoya Jackson

Prediction:

Will most like start his own boy-band called the “U of Tees” and record a mega-hit titled I wish I was the one who knocked up Candice Parker. Eventually the money from that one hit will run out and become the next Ryan Seacrest.

jeffery

Arthur Jeffrey ****

Position: Defensive tackle

Other schools that offered:

  • Clemson
  • Florida
  • F$U
  • Georgia
  • South Florida

Strengths:

  • Athleticism
  • Body control and balance
  • Size
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
  • Looks mean

Weaknesses:

  • Strength
  • Technique

Prediction:

Will become the bodyguard for the “U of Tees”.

king

Greg King ***

Position: Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Arkansas
  • Auburn
  • Miami (FL)
  • Oklahoma State
  • Texas Tech

Strengths:

  • Looks mean
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Hitting ability
  • Size
  • Speed

Weaknesses:

  • Discipline
  • Tackling Technique

Prediction:

15-30 give or take time off for good behavior

thornton

Nigel Mitchell-Thornton ***

Position: Inside Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Wake Forest
  • Duke
  • Georgia Tech
  • Maryland
  • Miss. State
  • Nebraska
  • NC State
  • Oklahoma State
  • Stanford

Strengths:

  • Aggressiveness
  • Athleticism
  • Size
  • 3.4 GPA
  • 1320 SAT

Weaknesses:

  • Foot quickness
  • Pass coverage Skills
  • 1320 SAT. It’s obvious all his life has been football and books so it’s likely he’s still a virgin.
  • Smugness

Prediction

Great another smart one. Nigel will most likely realize that Wake Forest is the place for three star players. There he will realize that he studied so hard instead of dating because he’s gay. This will cause him to promptly flunk out of Wake Forest and settle with some special boy. All the while that smug look will not leave his face.

myles

Darren Myles ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Kentucky
  • LSU
  • Michigan
  • Notre Dame

Strengths:

  • Closing speed
  • Coverage Awareness
  • Size
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
  • Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs
  • Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis

Weaknesses:

  • Recover Ability
  • Gives the thumbs up
  • Smiles

Prediction:

It quickly becomes aware to Darren and those around him, that he just to darn happy to be a SEC football player. Ladies and gentlemen meet the manger of the “U of Tees”. Pssttt Darren give everyone the thumbs up sign.

nelson

Robert Nelson ***

Position: Inside linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Auburn
  • West Virginia
  • Miss State
  • NC State
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Attacks the line of scrimmage with reckless abandonment
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Coverage Skills

Prediction:

You might be asking yourself “Does he look high in that photo?” and the answer is YES! Robert will major in agriculture and develop a potent new pot plant and become famously rich from one customer alone, Michael Phelps.

oliver

Nyshier Oliver ****

Position: Athlete

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Boston College
  • Georgia
  • Michigan
  • Notre Dame
  • Penn State
  • Strengths:
  • Toughness
  • Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Looks mean and is mean

Weaknesses:

  • I’m very frightened of this person so please don’t ask me.

Prediction:

Coming from the mean streets of New Jersey there are two things Oliver knows: football and pimpology. Oliver will be the meanest pimp in orange the world has ever seen. Does Nyshier have to choke a Bama fan?

Glamour Shots!

Glamour Shots!

Kevin Revis ***

Position: Offensive Guard

Other schools that offered:

  • Vandy
  • Wake Forest
  • Auburn
  • Duke
  • Georgia Tech
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • ACT score of 28
  • Body Control and balance
  • Feet
  • Quickness of the ball
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Pass protection
  • Looks incredibility gay in photos
  • Wannbe boy-band good looks

Prediction:

Kevin will fall into a deep depression after being rejected for the fifth member position of the “U of Tees” and will start drinking heavily. He will later be known as the “American Idol Mauler” for beating up and molesting Janzen Jackson during a taping in the last season of the show.

Please quit calling me Meyer!

Please quit calling me Meyer!

Nu’keese Richardson ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Florida
  • Georgia
  • Miami (FL)
  • Michigan
  • South Carolina
  • So Cal.

Strengths:

  • Speed, speed and more speed
  • Explosiveness
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Once he publicly wore a Florida hat.

Prediction:

I hope he has blocking skills because…oh wait sorry I forget Fulmer was no longer the coach. After a much publicized comment King Kiffin® made about Meyer allegedly cheating to gain the services of Nu’keese, he goes on to have a wonderful career at some other school because he transfers out of Tennessee due to Florida scoring 80 on Tennessee. Way to go Kiffin…

rogers

Zach Rogers ***

Position: Wide receiver

Other schools that offered:

  • Texas Tech
  • Vandy
  • Alabama
  • Auburn
  • Colorado
  • North Carolina
  • Duke
  • South Carolina
  • Stanford

Strengths:

  • Relative of Austin Rogers
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Big Ears
  • Mr. Potato Head lips
  • Has that “Please punch me” look about him.

Prediction:

Zach will eclipse every receiving record that Austin Rogers set, which isn’t saying a lot. However he will also become to stand-in lip model for Steve Tyler’s life story as told by the Oxygen network.

Marlon Walls ****

Position: Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

  • Clemson
  • Ole Miss
  • Miami (FL)
  • Virginia Tech

Strengths:

  • Fools people by making them think he’s high all the time

Weakness:

  • He really is high all time.

Prediction:

He will be kicked off the team in his junior year for drug use. He’ll then go to some small school get an internship to the publication “High Times”. Twenty years later he’ll be the editor.

schofield

JerQuari Schofield ****

Position: Offensive tackle

Other schools that offered:

  • Clemson
  • South Carolina

Strengths:

  • Size
  • Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Resembles what Gary Coleman would look like if he grew

Prediction:

Like most offensive tackles we will never hear from him again until he allows a sack.

sykes

Rae Sykes

Position: Strongside Defensive End

Other schools that offered:

  • Juco Transfer

Strengths:

  • None that I could find

Weaknesses:

  • See strengths

Prediction:

Sykes was part of the 2007 signing class. He was ranked as the #14 DE in the nation by Rivals that year. Is it me or does he look like a cocky smartass? I have a feeling he will remind Vol fans of another Juco transfer named Kenny O’Neil.

teague

Marsalis Teague ****

Position: Athlete

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Clemson
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Michigan
  • Ole Miss

Strengths:

  • Elusive
  • Playmaker
  • Speed
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Route running

Prediction:

This is another one that King Kiffin stole from Meyer.  Since Tennessee isn’t sponsored by Under Armor that means Teague will not get to wear that idiotic headgear. As a result Teague will transfer to another school that is sponsored by Under Armor, Hawaii.

williams

Toney Williams ****

Position: Fullback

Other schools that offered:

  • Alabama
  • Florida
  • Georgia Tech
  • Kentucky

Strengths:

  • Instincts
  • Power
  • Size
  • Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
  • Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

  • Smiles
  • Change of direction
  • Cutback ability

Prediction:

Will transfer to Georgia Tech after he realizes that Tennessee doesn’t really have the kind of running backs he wants to block for, the kind that actually like smiling.

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Posted in College Football, Go Big Orange, Go Vols, Kiffin, Lane Kiffin, NCAA Rules Violation, Rocky Top, SEC Coaches, SEC Football, Sports, Tennessee Volunteers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The Al Davis press conference shows what Death looks like. Now, when my time comes, I’ll know.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 1, 2008

I am the evil Emperor from Star Wars!

Did anyone see the rather revealing press conference that was held by the living corpse Al Davis regarding the firing of Kiffin? If not you missed the NFL’s most Jerry Springer moment to date. This was must see TV. It was better than the Presidential Debate.

Al Davis stated that Kiffin was fired for “propaganda” and “lying” that had gone on supposedly for months.  Kiffin was “bringing disgrace to the organization,” Davis said, calling Kiffin on multiple times a “flat-out liar.”

One thing is clear to me: Al Davis looks like a more-evil version of Freddy Krueger.

Davis revealed a letter that he wrote to Kiffin before the Kansas City game outlining in detail the coach’s faults. Davis further stated that Kiffin leaked a copy of the letter to the press.

At this point Davis rambled on about Mortensen of ESPN for breaking the story and accuses Kiffin of leaking the letter to the ESPN reporter because “that’s the way he wanted to handle it.” (Great question to the local reporters assembled: “Why didn’t any of you guys have it?”)

Perhaps my all-time favorite Al quote:

“Mortensen lies…he’s a professional liar.”

Davis placed the letter on an overhead projector for the press to read. For the record I once tortured a college professor by turning his overhead projector against him.

He basically calls Kiffin a douche bag for blaming the team’s performance on the ownership of the Raiders & defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. Davis also said that Kiffin called every play on offense during his time with the team, and that he split the play-calling duties with an unnamed assistant coach on Sunday against the Chargers.

Davis said that Kiffin didn’t want to draft quarterback JaMarcus Russell, because Kiffin thought he’d be the “overweight guy” and the “uninterested guy.”  Davis also claims that Kiffin wanted the Arkansas job and was “upset as hell” that Bobby Petrino got the job.

How do you accuse someone of propaganda and then go and state your case why he deserves to be fired and not let him refute the charges? Isn’t this just Raiders propaganda.

I don’t know about the rest of the world but I would imagine that 90% of NFL fans, Raider fans included, are on Lane’s side on this one. While Davis was a huge figure in the formation of the league its doing stuff like this that has ruined his team and his reputation.

I think Davis did his best George Costanza and doing the opposite of everything that is rational.

Honestly, after seeing this press conference, I can not think of a worse scenario for Cable to enter.

Posted in Al Davis, Cry Baby, ESPN, Kiffin, NFL Football, Oakland Raiders | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The living corpse Al Davis has officially begun the process of replacing Kiffin

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 30, 2008

The rumors have been out there for weeks. The living corpse Al Davis is going to fire Kiffin to make sure the Raiders get that #1 draft pick again. The Raiders are like the North Korea of the NFL.  Owner Al Davis wants a puppet for a head coach and Kiffin isn’t it. There’s even a website devoted to tracking the firing of Kiffin.

Well the process of replacing Kiffin has officially begun. Al Davis scheduled one-hour meetings Monday evening with three members of the coaching staff — offensive coordinator Greg Knapp, offensive line coach Tom Cable and longtime NFL offensive coordinator and current Raiders consultant Paul Hackett.

Kiffin took the high road and declined to comment Monday evening when contacted. During his Monday news conference, he told the local press he was no longer going to discuss any of his conversations or meetings with Davis. It is believed Davis has not talked to him about a possible change.

“I just feel we’re going to open up too many things, and those are conversations that I do or do not have with him that should stay between him and I,” Kiffin said in his news conference.

“At times we’re playing as well as anybody in the league. I know that sounds strange for you guys to hear, but look at the numbers,” Kiffin said in his news conference. “Look at the way we’re playing in the first three quarters of the last three weeks in a row; we’re playing good enough to be on a three-game winning streak. All that being said, we’re 1-3.”

Kiffin seems to have the Raiders headed in the right direction. Too bad the owner is way out of touch with reality.

Davis has told Bay Area reporters he may speak to them at some point this week. Once he settles on a possible replacement, Davis could then inform Kiffin and make a change during the bye week.

This Raider team is losing BECAUSE of all the distractions that DAVIS IS CAUSING!!!! That has an effect on how a team practices during the week. I believe, as many people do, that this team could have had a 3-1 start and be tied with Denver.

Al Davis’ ego won’t allow him to let Kiffin coach without interference. He got rid of two good coaches, Gruden and Shanahan who have each won Super Bowls elsewhere, (and in Gruden’s case, at the expense of the Raiders!). Davis wants a guy he can manipulate, and Kiffin’s “disobedience” in disagreeing with Davis over personnel and coaches is looked upon as an act of defiance.

Once a respected football executive and shrewd football mind, Davis is now just a sad old man who can’t see he’s suffocating his own franchise.

UPDATE!!!

ESPN is reporting that the living corpse has canned Kiffin “without pay via the telephone”, I’m sure Kiffin’s attorneys will have something to say about that.

Stay classy Al!!!

Posted in Al Davis, Kiffin, moron, NFL Draft, NFL Football, Oakland Raiders | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »