Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

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Posts Tagged ‘Liar’

Happy Birthday to me! Now can anyone shut Roger Clemens up?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 13, 2009


Well today is my birthday and I have found something else to add to my b-day wish list of one redhead with super model qualities, after hearing that farce of an interview with Roger Clemens yesterday on the Mike and Mike show I also want a copy of “American Icon.” 

The authors of this book should send Clemens a fruit basket of something because of his poor performance during this interview sales of the of the book probably went up by 10%. Hell no one knew it was even coming out until this interview. 

This interview was predictably a PR move orchestrated by Team Clemens. The 20 minute interview with Clemen’s newest “crisis manager” Gene Grabowski that occurred before the Rocket came on the air more than proved that. Greenberg and Golic asked Grabowski, given all the evidence against Clemens, how he knows he’s telling the truth? 

“I looked him in the eye,” the Crisis Manager said. 

OK that’s it for me I believe him even though I’m sure he was paid six figures to say that. 

On McNamee: He “never injected me with HGH or steroids.” Why? “Common sense — “my family has a history of heart conditions.” Clemens notes that both his brother and stepdad had heart attacks and it would be “suicidal” for him to take any of these drugs. He also finds these allegations “dishearting” (sic). 

Yes we all know how medical conditions can jump from a step parent to step children. I think I learned that by watching “House” *Sarcasm* If heart attacks are contagious, then quickly, everyone flee Texas! 

On Andy Pettitte admitting that he was injected by McNamee and that he had a conversation with Clemens about HGH: Clemens reiterates: “Andy misremembers.” 

On Manny: Surprised because, as Roger’s stated before MLB has great testing: “We have great testing.” Did you know Roger Clemens passed all of his tests? No? You didn’t. WELL HE DID. Move on please. What? You say Manny passed all his tests as well? But did Manny ask the testing people come to his house and they went to his personal gym so he could show his son how “evasive”(sic) it was? Well Roger did “I think the program works!” 

On A-Rod: “I hope none of the things he took do damage to his body and ruin his career.” 

“How do you defend against the negative?”: Lie! “Steroids are bad for these kids — but again, I can’t defend the negative, when you’ve got somebody out there who’s just crawling up your back to make a buck…” Mentions his charities, golfing, foundations, charities, fundraising, his foundations, charities, banquets, and all of the good he’s done for people since 1991, and “I know how tough it is raising money for charity these days…” and HOW COULD I TAKE STEROIDS WHEN I’M DOING ALL OF THIS FUCKING CHARITY WORK? I HAVE NO TIME FOR NEEDLES! (I’m paraphrasing there, by the way.)

Judging from the scientific poll that ESPN performed this interview did nothing to help Camp Rocket’s cause and is also proved that there really must be nothing to do in Maine and South Carolina. 

Expect to see that next week, ESPN will show nothing but the interview, ESPN2 will feature the interview in Spanish, ESPNU will have the interview with MST3K-style commentary and ESPNews will scroll the interview text over a blank background while playing Weather Channel music. 

A transcript of the interview can be found here.

Posted in A-Rod, Brian McNamee, dumbass, Juiced, Liar, MLB, Roger Clemens, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

A-Rod the A-Hole or is it roid rage?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 10, 2009

That is the look of a person who just stuck something in a gloryhole.

A-Roid admitted to Peter Gammons yesterday that when he was 25 years old he did in fact use banned performance-enhancers while playing for the Texas Rangers. Dude, you lied to Katie Couric of all people.

He claims that he felt pressured because he signed that record breaking contract and he had to show the world he was worth that kind of money. He implied that he used them during his three seasons in Texas and says that he has since stopped.

Smart move coming clean. Now he can get back to being Madonna’s bitch. Somewhere, Jose Canseco is laughing ass off yelling “I WAS RIGHT!!!”

Can we now just say that all records broken and all world series titles won will only be recognized through a championship belt?


Posted in Alex Rodriguez, Liar, Madonna, new york yankees, Roids, steroids, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

One word…KARMA…..its what’s for dinner and OJ gets seconds

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 4, 2008

Posted in Crime & Punishment, guilty, Liar, OJ, OJ Simpson | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »


Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 26, 2008

The following was written by Gray of Left On Lanier, who has allowed us to publish this. All the credit goes to him and him alone. This is hi·lar·i·ous.

Yes but for how long?

Yes but for how long?

Bobby Petrino, is an American football coach and an asshole. He is currently head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, but that could change by the end of this article.

Early Years

Petrino was born on Osama Bin Laden’s birthday (March 10) in Montana. He reached his peak of maturity 13 years later. He remained an emotional invalid through his college career as quarterback for Carroll College.

Coaching Career

Petrino became offensive coordinator at his Alma mater in 1985, helping Carroll College became the highest scoring team in the NAIA division. This distinction means nothing, since NAIA football is not real football. Petrino shows no emotion. He then started chasing jobs like Johnny Knoxville chases death. He worked at Weber State, Carroll, Weber State (again), Idaho, Arizona State, Nevada, and Utah State in the next ten years. Bobby likes the barren southwest. Its desolate landscape, long lonely expanses, and unforgivable terrain reminded him of his own vacant soul.

Petrino cried once, didn’t like it, and never did it again.

In 1997, Petrino went to Louisville. Then he went to Jacksonville. Then he went to Auburn. Then he returned to Louisville. His wife got tired of this shit.


Bobby Petrino is still currently the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

The Louisville Years

His wife got tired of this shit. In 1997 he became coach at Louisville (again) and decided he’d settle down for the rest of his life, or at least for four years or so. During this period, Petrino interviewed at Auburn, LSU and the Oakland Raiders.

Louisville got tired of this shit. After having some success and demonstrating one of the keenest offensive minds in real college football and not that NAIA crap, the Louisville Administration took control. The emotionally crippled Petrino agreed to a ten year, 25.5 million dollar contract on July 13, 2006 to remain their head coach and quit interviewing for every possible job within a 300-mile radius.

The Atlanta Months

This sumbitch signed a five year deal with the Atlanta Falcons less than six months later. Upon arriving in Atlanta, his star QB was accused of sneaking marijuana on an Airtran flight. Soon afterward, one of his players broke his leg in a jet-ski accident, another player was arrested for punching a dog in the face, his third string QB blew out his ACL. This was the good part.

Soon his star QB raised the ante by bankrolling a dog fighting operation, smoking pot while awaiting sentencing, and getting sent to Federal Prison. Petrino started Joey Harrington, for God’s sake. Soon, he replaced Harrington with a black guy that broke his ankle and bruised his tailbone, and then another guy who hadn’t played in the NFL in several years and sold insurance door-to-door in 2006. His team went 3-10. Petrino got tired of this shit.

Less than 24 hours after coaching the Atlanta Falcons in a nationally televised loss, Petrino accepted the job as the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. He didn’t even wait for the END OF THE SEASON IN HIS FIRST YEAR. He had 3 jobs in 2007. Petrino makes Jeff George look stable.

The Arkansas Hours

Petrino is currently (still) the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Trivia about Bobby Petrino

Petrino has had more jobs than Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

He has coached at 11 different places, 3 of these places TWICE. That’s a lot of freaking moving.

He has no allegiance to any team, or fan, or institution. He will lie to you.

Petrino doesn’t smile, as it is seen as weakness in most primates.

Listen. And understand. Bobby Petrino is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Posted in All SEC Teams Beware!!, Arkansas Razorbacks, Atlanta Falcons, Bobby Petrino, Liar, SEC, SEC Coaches, SEC Football | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Clemens Apologizes…Sort Of

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on May 5, 2008

They don’t have anything to apologize for. 🙂

While admitting he had made “mistakes” in his personal life, Roger Clemens apologized to his family and the public on Sunday…sort of…read on & you’ll understand further.

“I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media,” Clemens said in the statement. “Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”

“Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a fifteen-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false.”

“I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of, but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do. I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

Ok let me get this straight. You’re apologizing however you aren’t saying what you’re apologizing for. Is anyone else out there as confused as me? Or did Roger just pull an old trick from the Jason Giambi playbook: I apologize, but I’m not going to tell you what I just apologized for…

Didn’t the girl herself admit to this? Is he calling her a liar as well? Oh wait she just misremembered.

Clemens mentions “fans” in this apology. What fans do he have anymore? He has to be the biggest coward in sports history. He is lying through his teeth. My favorite so far…let me apologize before saying that “nothing could be further from the truth.” Only irrational people speak this way. He is such a loser…and not a man. Own up for Christ’s sake.

I think this sums it all up, and this was almost 10 years ago:

“I have no respect or appreciation for his comments,” said Piazza, who missed the All-Star game because of the beaming. “Roger Clemens is a great pitcher, but I don’t have respect for him now at all.”

I wonder does Peter Gammons cry himself to sleep screaming, “WHY ROGER WHY?!!”

Of course if you’re still a Clemens fan you can always buy his autograph on E-Bay. Since this is what he’s been reduced to.

Posted in dumbass, Liar, MLB, Roger Clemens, Roids, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Either Kevin Hart Attempted the Greatest Recruiting Scam Ever or a Number of D-I Schools have Recruiting Officials Impersonating Them.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on February 6, 2008

Meet Kevin Hart a 6-foot-5, 290-pound left guard — listed as a two-star prospect by in this years recruiting class. Fernley high school offensive lineman Kevin Hart was all set to commit to Oregon. But on Friday, during an assembly in front of the entire school, Hart chose California over the Pac-10 rival Ducks.

“They really won me over,” Hart, who will be the first Fernley athlete to receive a full scholarship to a Division I school directly out of high school, said of the Golden Bears. “Coach (Jeff) Tedford and I talked a lot, and the fact that the head coach did most of the recruiting of me kind of gave me the real personal experience.”

With Cal and Oregon hats sitting on a table in front of him on Friday, Hart explained what his decision came down to and then donned the Cal cap to cheers from classmates and his parents and grandparents sitting in the front row.

His parents and teachers were happy for him. They could not wait till he got out to Berkley to experience the college life, start smoking pot & and only call when money was needed.

Something strange happened. Less than 10 hours after Hart proclaimed Cal was his college of choice questions was raised. Questions like when are you leaving? Will you miss us? And since when did Cal even offer you a scholarship since they have never heard you? You know the basics.

By Sunday neither Hart’s father, Richard, nor Fernley Coach Mark Hodges would confirm the status of any offers. Oregon, Nevada, Illinois and Oklahoma State were said to be other finalists. Both men also declined to comment in depth on the entire situation because, as Hodges said, it is under “law enforcement investigation.”

Wait the Po Po was called? You mean Jeff Tedford has someone impersonating him? Maybe he “blacks out” and forget he recruits these kids.

“This is involving law enforcement and may involve other departments, other than the NCAA, that are bigger than local,” said Hodges, “I would love to tell you everything I know, but I can’t at this time and I’m not even sure what I know. Up until the other night I was a happy man.”

“The NCAA is involved because Cal and Oregon are involved,” said NIAA executive director Eddie Bonine, “It could be that someone was impersonating those schools.”

Un”fucking”believable!!! Remember according to Hart himself he and Jeff talked a lot. So it’s obvious Jeff Tedford was high from his players supply. Hart turned down offers from Oregon, Nevada, Illinois and Oklahoma State.

But both Oregon and Cal say Hart who? Who is this nut job?

“He was never in our system,” Dave Williford, Oregon assistant athletic director for media services, said.

Basically the kid is a pathological liar. In fact Hart’s school district can’t even find any school that offered him a scholarship.

This kid is psycho and apparently is doing everything to make himself look good in front of his peers and parents.

Phil Fulmer GO SIGN THIS BOY NOW. Our recruiting class is sad. We need someone this crazy. If he’s willing to attempt to pull this scam off then imagine how hard he could work to become a starter.

Of course you won’t be able to trust him but considering the 4 arrests lately it seems you can’t trust any of the players. Get him now before Nick Saban signs him, you fat non-recruiting bastard.

Posted in Big Orange, Cal, cheaters, Liar, Oregon Ducks, Phillip Fulmer, Rocky Top, satire, Scams, scandal, SEC Football, University of California berkeley | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

OK Clemens It’s Time for You to go on Reality TV

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 29, 2008

As some of you might have noticed lately, Roger Clemens seems to be in denial over the use of steroids. Quite frankly this fact alone is the reason why America can’t forget about the Mitchell Report.

Clemens is constantly reminding America that his personal trainer is lying even though the Mitchell Report also documents an incriminating paper trail as well. On December 26, 2007 Clemens’ lawyer began investigating the accusations made in the Mitchell Report.

“On Roger’s behalf, we are investigating the allegations about him contained in the Mitchell Report,” Clemens’ attorney, Rusty Hardin, said in a statement. “To our surprise, we have identified several people who logic dictates the Mitchell team should have talked to but did not. That’s troubling. We are asking questions and we encourage the news media to do the same.”

Of course Mr. Hardin fails to mention how Clemens refused to speak with Mitchell himself. Never mind telling the public that one little detail. As you know Clemens has sworn on “60 Minutes” that he was injected with “lidocaine and B-12” and not steroids or human growth hormone by former trainer Brian McNamee. He’s even made a video for You Tube.

On January 8, 2007 Clemens played the world some seventeen minutes of a taped conversation with former trainer McNamee. Over and over, Clemens makes statements like, “I just want the truth out there and like I said, I can’t believe what is being said,” And, “Just the stuff I’m reading and hearing, so much of it is untrue and it’s just tearing everyone apart.”

The fact that Clemens called him on a ruse to talk about McNamee’s sick child and secretly tape the conversation is rather disgusting. It should also be noted that McNamee never said he didn’t inject Clemens with steroids. Plus the conversation supposedly last over an hour and somehow only 17 minutes are heard…

Clemens has filed a deformation lawsuit against McNamee only to turn around and use it as an excuse not to testify before Congress. Thankfully Congress isn’t buying that.

Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn.), a member of the House Oversight Committee – the panel that will (eventually) question Clemens said he wasn’t convinced by the seven-time Cy Young Award winner’s performance on “60 Minutes”.

“With Roger Clemens’ body language, I’m not comfortable when he was making those denials,” Shays said.

Compared to Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco is looking pretty honorable. He testified before Congress without immunity. Critics scoffed at Canseco’s book “Juiced”, but apparently it was all true. If Roger ever appears before Congress, you can be assured that he will plead the 5th to every question.

But now it has all come to this…Roger really only has one shot of making his case, and that’s to appear on the FOX show “The Moment of Truth”. And wouldn’t you know it he even has an invite from the creator of the show.

It seem the shows creator can settle this whole issue for us without Congress, besides I’m sure they’re busy doing other things. (I hope) Here’s what the letter said that was from the shows creator to Roger’s agent.

Dear Mr. Clemens,


Millions of people saw your recent interview with Mike Wallace on “60 Minutes.” Your struggle to clear your good name was admirable and I was moved by your frustration and your efforts to fight against these recent accusations. The ability to “un-ring” a bell is very difficult as I’m sure you know.


Mike Wallace asked you in your interview if you would be willing to take a polygraph examination in an effort to settle the matter. As you may know, there is a new show coming to FOX on January 23, 2008, called “The Moment of Truth.” I am the Creator and Executive Producer of the show.


The show is a very simple format: Participants are polygraphed prior to the show with between 50-60 questions. 21 questions are then selected to be asked from that examination during the taping of the show. Participants do not know which questions will be selected, nor do they know the results of the test. Participants can win up to $500,000 if they are able to go all the way to the 21st question.


While the $500,000 may not mean as much to a person in your financial situation, I would like to offer you the chance to accomplish two things: 1) Clear your name by answering the steroid question on the show, and 2) Donate any money you win to any charity of your choosing.


People have stood in awe at your incredible accomplishments in baseball. This show could let the world know that you are an incredibly courageous person as well to clear your name in front of a nationwide audience, all in the name of charity. I hope you will give serious consideration to this offer. We would love to be the opportunity for you to set the record straight.




Howard Schultz

Roger has yet to respond to the letter. Imagine That.

Either way it’s time Roger puts up or shuts up.

The only thing that America really has learned from the Mitchell Report is this:

Those that have the most to lose will take the most chances.

Posted in Liar, Major League Baseball, Mitchell Report, MLB, Roger Clemens, steroids | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

So…Just How is the Search to Replace Dave Odom Going?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 24, 2008

The coaching search for a replacement for Dave “They’re just internet rumors” Odom is supposedly underway. Here’s a list of future losers candidates that seems to be buzzing around, just one problem not many seem that interested in being booed during a home game.

Wichita State coach Gregg Marshall.

Marshall is the former Winthrop coach who defeated Notre Dame in the tournament last year. This truly marked the decline of all things “Fighting Irish”. Marshall held a press conference just to tell USC too bad, so sad. Except he was “PC” about it.

“Through nine seasons at Winthrop I’ve learned that you can’t control rumor and speculation from the media and other sources, so I felt I needed to make a statement.


“My total focus is on building the Wichita State basketball program toward excellence. I have not been contacted by, nor have I contacted the University of South Carolina or any school, for that matter, for any position. Period.”

Virginia Commonwealth coach Anthony Grant

He’s young, energetic and a good coach. Just one problem VCU athletics director Norwood Teague would not grant permission for any school to speak to Grant during the season.

“The only job I’m interested in right now is VCU,” Grant said during the Colonial Athletic Association coaches teleconference. “We’ve got a great situation here, I’m excited about having a chance to go up and beat Hofstra tomorrow, and that’s where our focus is.”

Translation: I can get better plus a fat raise from this.

Those are the two front runners. You could do a poll in the state this week and get as much of a response on “Grant or Marshall” as you could for “Clinton or Obama.”

Other possibilities are:

Oklahoma coach Jeff Capel

Another good coach who’s younger, just one problem he’s definitely not interested.

“I’m not interested in anything except for coaching my team,” Capel told the Tulsa World newspaper. “That’s all.”

Translation: Why would I dream of leaving now and for all things USC?

Minnesota coach Tubby “Does Kentucky Miss Me Yet?” Smith

Problem with that is he’s already making $1.75 million a year.

Some former NFL running back now turned local radio talk show host who shall remain nameless (Duce Staley) has even thrown these names as possible replacements for Odom. Try not to laugh.

North Carolina coach Roy Williams

Bahahaha yeah…right…sure…lay off the drugs Duce.

Kansas coach Bill Self.

See comments above.

Apparently Duce believes only big name coaches build big time programs. Please someone do not tell Bruce Pearl that.

Now I’m here to help beleaguered AD Eric Hyman find a coach. So this is the list I’m planning on submitting to him. It’s, how you say, more realistic.

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas

I fully believe he’s going to be unemployed soon and whom better than to lead the Gamecocks to future failure than this man? Plus he might come cheap.

San Francisco coach Eddie Sutton

Sure he’s not as young as Hyman wants but he’ll eventually get to 800 wins, if he doesn’t die first. He has a lot of experience and built the Oklahoma State program. All USC has to do is overlook the 6-7 martini lunch and 12 pack of Budweiser film sessions.

Former Missouri coach Quinn Snyder

What are a few NCAA violations mixed with cocaine addiction anyway? I think I saw Snyder at Starbucks in Wilmington, NC on a Saturday morning dressed like a 25 year old and driving a VW bus with a dent in the side. I think he’s working at The Gap part-time, but he can sing “Eye of the Tiger” really well.

Steve Newton

Oh wait sorry he’s already coached there and some USC fans are still blaming him for the current b-ball chicken curse.

Saint Luis coach Rick “I’m not Jabba the Hut’s Brother!” Majerus.

He has won a lot of games and apparently likes to naked. The thought of maybe seeing him naked would cause me to play a lot better, that’s for sure.

“The first time, [Utah was] recruiting me, and after the game I went down to the [Utes’] locker room,” says Jeff Johnsen, who signed with Utah in 1996. “His hair’s everywhere and his sweater’s off and he’s just drenched, and he’s eating a whole pizza in front of me and he’s like, ‘You want any?’ I grab a piece, and then he starts undressing and gets in the shower and is still talking to me. It was funny. It was weird. How many grown, fat, naked men do you see when you’re a high school kid?”


Another player remembers Majerus calling him up to his hotel room on various occasions, and “he’d answer the door in his towel and I’d come in and the towel would fall off and it was like nothing had happened. He’d just be standing there buck naked. One year he had this lower-back injury, and he would have the trainer massage it with ultrasound. But instead of just lowering his pants a little bit, Majerus would pull his pants down to his ankles and sit in a chair and coach us. Sometimes he’d be like, ‘Guys, bring it in, take a knee.’ We’d come in, and we’re just like, No way this is happening.”

Umm ok…maybe I’ll scratch him off the list…besides at this rate even the Pope will hate him eventually.

Just sit back and relax to the smoothing sounds of Quinn Snyder.

Posted in Anthony Grant, Bruce Pearl, Dave Odom, Gregg Marshall, Internet Rumors, Isiah Thomas, Liar, satire, SEC Basketball, SEC Coaches, Tubby Smith, USC, Virginia Commonwealth, Wichita State | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

The Yankees Wish New Yorkers a Happy New Year by Screwing Them Over

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 2, 2008

The New York Yankees wish New Yorkers a belated Merry Christmas & Happy New Year by screwing them with higher parking rates on game day but that’s just the beginning. The Yankees and hundreds of their VIPs will get free valet parking for the next 40 years, courtesy of New York taxpayers. A bold move that is sure to really piss off Mets fans, if they had any fans after last years debacle.

The Yankees already the richest team in baseball shouldn’t need this type of subsidy that is found buried deep in the fine print of a $237 million tax-exempt bond offering that city officials underhandedly issued before all things, Christmas.

A $70 million state subsidy for parking improvements for the new Yankee Stadium has been earmarked for a new 660-car valet parking garage where virtually all the spaces will be reserved for the free, year-round use of the Yankees and their VIPs, such as Alex Rodriguez’s wife, whomever the current mayor is sleeping with & Al Roker.

The bond actually has more shocking details for New Yorkers to grasp hold of. Such as:

  • The total cost of the parking expansion project has zoomed to $340 million – $80 million more than city officials announced only eight months ago, when the directors of the city Industrial Development Agency gave preliminary approval to the bond issue. The money is meant to pay for three new garages, refurbishing half a dozen open-air lots and replacing lost parkland due to construction.
  • Game-day parking prices for the general public will more than double from $14 last year to $29 in 2010. They could hit $35 by 2014.
  • In addition to 600 free valet parking spaces for the Yankees, 120 game-day parking spaces will be reserved for the free use of the private cars of city cops assigned to the stadium, and an additional 130 on non-game days for city vehicles on “official business.”
  • Another $5 million will be “donated” to the “Roger Clemons Didn’t Juice Up” charity whose sole purpose is to make him look more like Floyd Landis than someone willing to admit they made a mistake.

“The Yankees have no involvement with the garages,” team spokeswoman Alice McGillion said yesterday.

Sure. And Manhattan has no involvement with the Brooklyn Bridge. See this is just another reason to love Boston and hate the Yankees.

This I proclaim on 1/2/08.



Posted in Liar, Major League Baseball, MLB, new york yankees, Red Sox, scandal, yankees suck | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »