Well signing day has come and gone and of course most Tennessee fans are happy with this years results given that King Kiffin® had a limited time getting them. Plus this class is ranked considerably ranked higher than last years.
With this class being ranked so much higher I found it more difficult to make fun of analyze them properly, but I’ll give a try.
Since last year’s breakdown was such a success I’m here to breakdown this year’s recruiting class. Hopefully I’ll find another gem like Carson Anderson who is currently writing the “The Tao of Fat & Stupid Phil Fulmer” as I type.
Jerod Askew ****
Position: Middle Linebacker
Other schools that offered:
- Virginia Tech
- West Virginia
- Alabama
- Clemson
- Maryland
- Michigan
- NC State
- Oklahoma
- South Carolina
Strengths:
- Speed
- Toughness
- Hitting ability
- 4.7 GPA
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- 4.7 GPA. He studies too much when he should be learning the playbook and breaking laws
- Size
Prediction:
This is one that Saban wanted and the Bama nation (of trailers) is not happy to lose this one. He will apply that lofty GPA to graduate early, cure cancer, develop time traveling wormholes & prank call Saban every chance he gets. This will all be completed as he sits on the bench because he proved he was indeed smarter than the entire coaching put together.
Mike Edwards ****
Position: Cornerback
Other schools that offered:
- Cincinnati
- Illinois
- Indiana
- Michigan
- Minnesota
Strengths:
- Great cover skills
- Not afraid of contact
Weaknesses:
- Wears funny looking hats
Prediction:
Will most likely lose an ear due to forgetting to take out the earring while he is being beaten down for wearing that funny hat.
Eric Gordon ****
Position: Cornerback
Other schools that offered:
- Texas Tech
- Alabama
- Oklahoma
- South Carolina
Strengths:
- Speed
- Natural athletic ability
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Dazed look on his face
Prediction:
There’s a reason as to why he face looks so dazed… Here’s a hint…he is clueless as to who Phelps is because if he knew…. Let’s leave it at that.
James Green ****
Position: Wide Receiver
Other schools that offered:
- Auburn
- Ole Miss
- NC State
- Ohio State
- South Carolina
- Syracuse
Strengths:
- Great hands
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Speed
- Looks like he can’t grow a full mustache
Prediction:
He will most likely injure his upper lip attempting to shave the mystery mustache over and over again. It’s a mystery because no one else can see it! ZING!
Janzen Jackson *****
Position: Cornerback
Other schools that offered:
- Texas A&M
- Alabama
- LSU
Strengths:
- Body Control
- Burst out of breaks
- Tackling ability
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs
Weaknesses:
- Backpedal quickness
- Coverage awareness
- First name is to similar to cheesy designer Jantzen who makes the worse freaking backpacks ever!!!
- Boy-band good looks
- Rumored to have a huge crush on Latoya Jackson
Prediction:
Will most like start his own boy-band called the “U of Tees” and record a mega-hit titled I wish I was the one who knocked up Candice Parker. Eventually the money from that one hit will run out and become the next Ryan Seacrest.
Arthur Jeffrey ****
Position: Defensive tackle
Other schools that offered:
- Clemson
- Florida
- F$U
- Georgia
- South Florida
Strengths:
- Athleticism
- Body control and balance
- Size
- Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
- Looks mean
Weaknesses:
- Strength
- Technique
Prediction:
Will become the bodyguard for the “U of Tees”.
Greg King ***
Position: Linebacker
Other schools that offered:
- Alabama
- Arkansas
- Auburn
- Miami (FL)
- Oklahoma State
- Texas Tech
Strengths:
- Looks mean
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Hitting ability
- Size
- Speed
Weaknesses:
- Discipline
- Tackling Technique
Prediction:
15-30 give or take time off for good behavior
Nigel Mitchell-Thornton ***
Position: Inside Linebacker
Other schools that offered:
- Wake Forest
- Duke
- Georgia Tech
- Maryland
- Miss. State
- Nebraska
- NC State
- Oklahoma State
- Stanford
Strengths:
- Aggressiveness
- Athleticism
- Size
- 3.4 GPA
- 1320 SAT
Weaknesses:
- Foot quickness
- Pass coverage Skills
- 1320 SAT. It’s obvious all his life has been football and books so it’s likely he’s still a virgin.
- Smugness
Prediction
Great another smart one. Nigel will most likely realize that Wake Forest is the place for three star players. There he will realize that he studied so hard instead of dating because he’s gay. This will cause him to promptly flunk out of Wake Forest and settle with some special boy. All the while that smug look will not leave his face.
Darren Myles ****
Position: Wide Receiver
Other schools that offered:
- Alabama
- Florida
- Georgia Tech
- Kentucky
- LSU
- Michigan
- Notre Dame
Strengths:
- Closing speed
- Coverage Awareness
- Size
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
- Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs
- Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis
Weaknesses:
- Recover Ability
- Gives the thumbs up
- Smiles
Prediction:
It quickly becomes aware to Darren and those around him, that he just to darn happy to be a SEC football player. Ladies and gentlemen meet the manger of the “U of Tees”. Pssttt Darren give everyone the thumbs up sign.
Robert Nelson ***
Position: Inside linebacker
Other schools that offered:
- Auburn
- West Virginia
- Miss State
- NC State
- South Carolina
Strengths:
- Attacks the line of scrimmage with reckless abandonment
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Coverage Skills
Prediction:
You might be asking yourself “Does he look high in that photo?” and the answer is YES! Robert will major in agriculture and develop a potent new pot plant and become famously rich from one customer alone, Michael Phelps.
Nyshier Oliver ****
Position: Athlete
Other schools that offered:
- Alabama
- Boston College
- Georgia
- Michigan
- Notre Dame
- Penn State
- Strengths:
- Toughness
- Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Looks mean and is mean
Weaknesses:
- I’m very frightened of this person so please don’t ask me.
Prediction:
Coming from the mean streets of New Jersey there are two things Oliver knows: football and pimpology. Oliver will be the meanest pimp in orange the world has ever seen. Does Nyshier have to choke a Bama fan?

Glamour Shots!
Kevin Revis ***
Position: Offensive Guard
Other schools that offered:
- Vandy
- Wake Forest
- Auburn
- Duke
- Georgia Tech
- South Carolina
Strengths:
- ACT score of 28
- Body Control and balance
- Feet
- Quickness of the ball
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Pass protection
- Looks incredibility gay in photos
- Wannbe boy-band good looks
Prediction:
Kevin will fall into a deep depression after being rejected for the fifth member position of the “U of Tees” and will start drinking heavily. He will later be known as the “American Idol Mauler” for beating up and molesting Janzen Jackson during a taping in the last season of the show.

Please quit calling me Meyer!
Nu’keese Richardson ****
Position: Wide Receiver
Other schools that offered:
- Florida
- Georgia
- Miami (FL)
- Michigan
- South Carolina
- So Cal.
Strengths:
- Speed, speed and more speed
- Explosiveness
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
- Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Once he publicly wore a Florida hat.
Prediction:
I hope he has blocking skills because…oh wait sorry I forget Fulmer was no longer the coach. After a much publicized comment King Kiffin® made about Meyer allegedly cheating to gain the services of Nu’keese, he goes on to have a wonderful career at some other school because he transfers out of Tennessee due to Florida scoring 80 on Tennessee. Way to go Kiffin…
Zach Rogers ***
Position: Wide receiver
Other schools that offered:
- Texas Tech
- Vandy
- Alabama
- Auburn
- Colorado
- North Carolina
- Duke
- South Carolina
- Stanford
Strengths:
- Relative of Austin Rogers
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Big Ears
- Mr. Potato Head lips
- Has that “Please punch me” look about him.
Prediction:
Zach will eclipse every receiving record that Austin Rogers set, which isn’t saying a lot. However he will also become to stand-in lip model for Steve Tyler’s life story as told by the Oxygen network.
Marlon Walls ****
Position: Linebacker
Other schools that offered:
- Clemson
- Ole Miss
- Miami (FL)
- Virginia Tech
Strengths:
- Fools people by making them think he’s high all the time
Weakness:
- He really is high all time.
Prediction:
He will be kicked off the team in his junior year for drug use. He’ll then go to some small school get an internship to the publication “High Times”. Twenty years later he’ll be the editor.
JerQuari Schofield ****
Position: Offensive tackle
Other schools that offered:
- Clemson
- South Carolina
Strengths:
- Size
- Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Resembles what Gary Coleman would look like if he grew
Prediction:
Like most offensive tackles we will never hear from him again until he allows a sack.
Rae Sykes
Position: Strongside Defensive End
Other schools that offered:
- Juco Transfer
Strengths:
- None that I could find
Weaknesses:
- See strengths
Prediction:
Sykes was part of the 2007 signing class. He was ranked as the #14 DE in the nation by Rivals that year. Is it me or does he look like a cocky smartass? I have a feeling he will remind Vol fans of another Juco transfer named Kenny O’Neil.
Marsalis Teague ****
Position: Athlete
Other schools that offered:
- Alabama
- Clemson
- Florida
- Georgia Tech
- Michigan
- Ole Miss
Strengths:
- Elusive
- Playmaker
- Speed
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Route running
Prediction:
This is another one that King Kiffin stole from Meyer. Since Tennessee isn’t sponsored by Under Armor that means Teague will not get to wear that idiotic headgear. As a result Teague will transfer to another school that is sponsored by Under Armor, Hawaii.
Toney Williams ****
Position: Fullback
Other schools that offered:
- Alabama
- Florida
- Georgia Tech
- Kentucky
Strengths:
- Instincts
- Power
- Size
- Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
- Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
Weaknesses:
- Smiles
- Change of direction
- Cutback ability
Prediction:
Will transfer to Georgia Tech after he realizes that Tennessee doesn’t really have the kind of running backs he wants to block for, the kind that actually like smiling.