Breaking down the 2009 Tennessee recruiting class

Well signing day has come and gone and of course most Tennessee fans are happy with this years results given that King Kiffin®  had a limited time getting them. Plus this class is ranked considerably ranked higher than last years.

With this class being ranked so much higher I found it more difficult to make fun of analyze them properly,  but I’ll give a try.

Since last year’s breakdown was such a success I’m here to breakdown this year’s recruiting class. Hopefully I’ll find another gem like Carson Anderson who is currently writing the “The Tao of Fat & Stupid Phil Fulmer” as I type.

Jerod Askew ****

Position:  Middle Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

• Virginia Tech
• West Virginia
• Alabama
• Clemson
• Maryland
• Michigan
• NC State
• Oklahoma
• South Carolina

Strengths:

• Speed
• Toughness
• Hitting ability
• 4.7 GPA
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• 4.7 GPA. He studies too much when he should be learning the playbook and breaking laws
• Size

Prediction:

This is one that Saban wanted and the Bama nation (of trailers) is not happy to lose this one. He will apply that lofty GPA to graduate early, cure cancer, develop time traveling wormholes & prank call Saban every chance he gets. This will all be completed as he sits on the bench because he proved he was indeed smarter than the entire coaching put together.

Mike Edwards ****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

• Cincinnati
• Illinois
• Indiana
• Michigan
• Minnesota

Strengths:

• Great cover skills
• Not afraid of contact

Weaknesses:

• Wears funny looking hats

Prediction:

Will most likely lose an ear due to forgetting to take out the earring while he is being beaten down for wearing that funny hat.

Eric Gordon ****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

• Texas Tech
• Alabama
• Oklahoma
• South Carolina

Strengths:

• Speed
• Natural athletic ability
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Dazed look on his face

Prediction:

There’s a reason as to why he face looks so dazed… Here’s a hint…he is clueless as to who Phelps is because if he knew…. Let’s leave it at that.

James Green ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

• Auburn
• Ole Miss
• NC State
• Ohio State
• South Carolina
• Syracuse

Strengths:

• Great hands
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Speed
• Looks like he can’t grow a full mustache

Prediction:

He will most likely injure his upper lip attempting to shave the mystery mustache over and over again. It’s a mystery because no one else can see it! ZING!

Janzen Jackson *****

Position: Cornerback

Other schools that offered:

• Texas A&M
• Alabama
• LSU

Strengths:

• Body Control
• Burst out of breaks
• Tackling ability
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs

Weaknesses:

• Backpedal quickness
• Coverage awareness
• First name is to similar to cheesy designer Jantzen who makes the worse freaking backpacks ever!!!
• Boy-band good looks
• Rumored to have a huge crush on Latoya Jackson

Prediction:

Will most like start his own boy-band called the “U of Tees” and record a mega-hit titled I wish I was the one who knocked up Candice Parker. Eventually the money from that one hit will run out and become the next Ryan Seacrest.

Arthur Jeffrey ****

Position: Defensive tackle

Other schools that offered:

• Clemson
• Florida
• F$U
• Georgia
• South Florida

Strengths:

• Athleticism
• Body control and balance
• Size
• Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
• Looks mean

Weaknesses:

• Strength
• Technique

Prediction:

Will become the bodyguard for the “U of Tees”.

Greg King ***

Position: Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

• Alabama
• Arkansas
• Auburn
• Miami (FL)
• Oklahoma State
• Texas Tech

Strengths:

• Looks mean
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Hitting ability
• Size
• Speed

Weaknesses:

• Discipline
• Tackling Technique

Prediction:

15-30 give or take time off for good behavior

Nigel Mitchell-Thornton ***

Position: Inside Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

• Wake Forest
• Duke
• Georgia Tech
• Maryland
• Miss. State
• Nebraska
• NC State
• Oklahoma State
• Stanford

Strengths:

• Aggressiveness
• Athleticism
• Size
• 3.4 GPA
• 1320 SAT

Weaknesses:

• Foot quickness
• Pass coverage Skills
• 1320 SAT. It’s obvious all his life has been football and books so it’s likely he’s still a virgin.
• Smugness

Prediction

Great another smart one. Nigel will most likely realize that Wake Forest is the place for three star players. There he will realize that he studied so hard instead of dating because he’s gay. This will cause him to promptly flunk out of Wake Forest and settle with some special boy. All the while that smug look will not leave his face.

Darren Myles ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

• Alabama
• Florida
• Georgia Tech
• Kentucky
• LSU
• Michigan
• Notre Dame

Strengths:

• Closing speed
• Coverage Awareness
• Size
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer
• Did not want to be referred to as a “Coon-ass” or smell like corndogs
• Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis

Weaknesses:

• Recover Ability
• Gives the thumbs up
• Smiles

Prediction:

It quickly becomes aware to Darren and those around him, that he just to darn happy to be a SEC football player. Ladies and gentlemen meet the manger of the “U of Tees”. Pssttt Darren give everyone the thumbs up sign.

Robert Nelson ***

Position: Inside linebacker

Other schools that offered:

• Auburn
• West Virginia
• Miss State
• NC State
• South Carolina

Strengths:

• Attacks the line of scrimmage with reckless abandonment
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Coverage Skills

Prediction:

You might be asking yourself “Does he look high in that photo?” and the answer is YES! Robert will major in agriculture and develop a potent new pot plant and become famously rich from one customer alone, Michael Phelps.

Nyshier Oliver ****

Position: Athlete

Other schools that offered:

• Alabama
• Boston College
• Georgia
• Michigan
• Notre Dame
• Penn State
• Strengths:
• Toughness
• Found a way to beat the Jedi mindtricks of Charlie Weis
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Looks mean and is mean

Weaknesses:

• I’m very frightened of this person so please don’t ask me.

Prediction:

Coming from the mean streets of New Jersey there are two things Oliver knows: football and pimpology. Oliver will be the meanest pimp in orange the world has ever seen. Does Nyshier have to choke a Bama fan?

Glamour Shots!

Kevin Revis ***

Position: Offensive Guard

Other schools that offered:

• Vandy
• Wake Forest
• Auburn
• Duke
• Georgia Tech
• South Carolina

Strengths:

• ACT score of 28
• Body Control and balance
• Feet
• Quickness of the ball
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Pass protection
• Looks incredibility gay in photos
• Wannbe boy-band good looks

Prediction:

Kevin will fall into a deep depression after being rejected for the fifth member position of the “U of Tees” and will start drinking heavily. He will later be known as the “American Idol Mauler” for beating up and molesting Janzen Jackson during a taping in the last season of the show.

Please quit calling me Meyer!

Nu’keese Richardson ****

Position: Wide Receiver

Other schools that offered:

• Florida
• Georgia
• Miami (FL)
• Michigan
• South Carolina
• So Cal.

Strengths:

• Speed, speed and more speed
• Explosiveness
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer
• Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Once he publicly wore a Florida hat.

Prediction:

I hope he has blocking skills because…oh wait sorry I forget Fulmer was no longer the coach. After a much publicized comment King Kiffin® made about Meyer allegedly cheating to gain the services of Nu’keese, he goes on to have a wonderful career at some other school because he transfers out of Tennessee due to Florida scoring 80 on Tennessee. Way to go Kiffin…

Zach Rogers ***

Position: Wide receiver

Other schools that offered:

• Texas Tech
• Vandy
• Alabama
• Auburn
• Colorado
• North Carolina
• Duke
• South Carolina
• Stanford

Strengths:

• Relative of Austin Rogers
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Big Ears
• Mr. Potato Head lips
• Has that “Please punch me” look about him.

Prediction:

Zach will eclipse every receiving record that Austin Rogers set, which isn’t saying a lot. However he will also become to stand-in lip model for Steve Tyler’s life story as told by the Oxygen network.

Marlon Walls ****

Position: Linebacker

Other schools that offered:

• Clemson
• Ole Miss
• Miami (FL)
• Virginia Tech

Strengths:

• Fools people by making them think he’s high all the time

Weakness:

• He really is high all time.

Prediction:

He will be kicked off the team in his junior year for drug use. He’ll then go to some small school get an internship to the publication “High Times”. Twenty years later he’ll be the editor.

JerQuari Schofield ****

Position: Offensive tackle

Other schools that offered:

• Clemson
• South Carolina

Strengths:

• Size
• Resisted the bong hits with Michael Phelps that South Carolina had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Resembles what Gary Coleman would look like if he grew

Prediction:

Like most offensive tackles we will never hear from him again until he allows a sack.

Rae Sykes

Position: Strongside Defensive End

Other schools that offered:

• Juco Transfer

Strengths:

• None that I could find

Weaknesses:

• See strengths

Prediction:

Sykes was part of the 2007 signing class. He was ranked as the #14 DE in the nation by Rivals that year. Is it me or does he look like a cocky smartass? I have a feeling he will remind Vol fans of another Juco transfer named Kenny O’Neil.

Marsalis Teague ****

Position: Athlete

Other schools that offered:

• Alabama
• Clemson
• Florida
• Georgia Tech
• Michigan
• Ole Miss

Strengths:

• Elusive
• Playmaker
• Speed
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Route running

Prediction:

This is another one that King Kiffin stole from Meyer.  Since Tennessee isn’t sponsored by Under Armor that means Teague will not get to wear that idiotic headgear. As a result Teague will transfer to another school that is sponsored by Under Armor, Hawaii.

Toney Williams ****

Position: Fullback

Other schools that offered:

• Alabama
• Florida
• Georgia Tech
• Kentucky

Strengths:

• Instincts
• Power
• Size
• Resisted the bags of cash and Jimmy Johns brand of cocaine that Alabama had to offer
• Resisted the guns, stinky weed and jorts that Florida had to offer

Weaknesses:

• Smiles
• Change of direction
• Cutback ability

Prediction:

Will transfer to Georgia Tech after he realizes that Tennessee doesn’t really have the kind of running backs he wants to block for, the kind that actually like smiling.

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Wow…who knew that NBC + 3D = Orgasm

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I think it was Olbermann. Someone must have been carrying a mirror through the studio.

The Ultimate Christmas Miracle

‘Twas the Sunday after Christmas, when all in Green Bay

Not a Lion was winning, oh what can I say;

The game plans were hung by the lockers with care,

In hopes that victory soon would be there;

The players were huddled all chill in their beds,

While visions of winning danced in their heads;

And Coach in his jacket, and I in helmet,

Had just got hyped so the losses I would forget,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the room to see what was the matter.

Away to the tundra I flew like a flash,

Went to the field and listened to “The Clash.”

The sun on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to Packers below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But Grant, and Rodgers, and Driver are near.

With a little shimmy, so lively and quick,

I knew, in that moment I said oh shit!

More rapid than our DB’s they came,

And they whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Clifton, now, Jordy! now, Jennings we’ll mix it!

These Lions don’t recognize coverage & zone blitzes!

To the middle of the field, Lambeau Leap over the wall!

Al Harris, Charles Woodson, TD’s for all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with more obstacles, mount to the sky,

So up to the concourses of the field they flew

With 0-16 shirts worn on kids as young as 2.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the huddle

The crying of grown men, tears in puddles.

As I drew plays in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the pike the referee came to town.

He was dressed all in stripes, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all clean & snug with Reebok boots.

A Hall of Fame football he had in his hands behind his back,

And he was ready, for Canton this ball he would pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His whistle was chrome! His yellow flag was scary!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And he wanted to be part of history, so it was time to go;

The look in his eye was not a welcome treat,

And looked at us & he could smell the defeat;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he ran downfield like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old ref,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a flick of his wrist,

Soon gave me 15 yards for another illegal shift;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And launched the flag; then turned (the big jerk),

And laying his finger besides the helmet that was bent,

And giving a nod, back to the sidelines he went;

He sprang to the sidelines and blew his whitsle,

At the end of the game, he left like a missile.

But I heard the fans exclaim, as they drove off in their trucks,

“You guys are 0-16, the Detroit Lions suck!!!”

A Peek Inside of Billy Clyde’s World

Inside the Kentucky Wildcat Locker Room After Friday’s Loss To VMI

Wow!!! You fucktards really did it now. I cannot believe it. You are not about to embarrass me again. Wait, too late. You guys are really a group of fine individuals. 2 years in a row. I go to Sew Fine Tailors on Euclid Avenue & tell them to hook me up with the finest suit they have, so ol’ Billy Clyde can look sharp as a tack on opening night, and this is how you sissy merries repay me??? Jeremy, bring me my special Gardner-Webb flask…

(Billy Clyde takes a swig)

You 22 mother fuckers are making me the fucking laughingstock of college basketball. You hear that??? That is ol’ Billy Donovon laughing his ass off. He turned down this job because their wasn’t enough hair gel in this barren wasteland of a state to last a year. He’s got his own personal Soul Glo guy just to style his hair. But not ol’ Billy Clyde. I don’t need gallons of Royal Crown Pomade in my contract. All I need is some of that Kentucky bourbon and some hot poon. Glynn, show these boys the action I got lined up after I leave here. Where’s that fancy iPhone??? Pass it around the locker room and show these sorry ass losers what they almost ruined for Billy Clyde.

This here is Becky. She is a Miller Lite girl. Now I don’t waste time on beer because it gets in the way. Now you boys might think ol’ Billy Clyde would be in hog heaven, with a hot piece of tail & massive quantities of beer. But that is why you boys are losers. You don’t think. See, ol’ Billy Clyde is warming up.

(Takes 3 more huge swigs out of G-W gas can flask)

Billy Clyde wants it all. That white suit wearing asshole in Louisville is laughing his ass off at ol’ Billy Clyde. I want it all. That piss ant is getting all the glory in this state. I want one of those fancy banners in the rooftops too, so I can use it as a blanket when I am bedding trim in my off time. Tracy, I need 3 tonight.

Damn Tracy, times must be hard. The economy is in the tank but I get a 4, 7, and 5??? I thought this was Lexington, not Morgantown??? What about the douchebag guys in the background??? Oh well. Bring them too. First time for everything, like you dipshits losing to a 6 win team. See boys, this is how ol’ Billy Clyde is rolling tonight, since you just ruined my season. Thanks. Career high my ass. There’s a reason I left College Station. That cow town had 3 hot chicks, and all of them were horrible in bed. If you are ever driving through Texas & wanna find College Station, let ol’ Billy Clyde tell you how to find it. You will know you are getting close when you start seeing the sheep back ass up to the fences.

Well, you sorry sacks of shit are excused. I will deal with you tomorrow after I give this poon some of Big Billy Clyde. Towelboy, I am taking some towels home. Gonna need that flask too.

College Football Week 2 is in the books & here’s what I learned

First off everyone stop for a moment and point and laugh at the Big Least. The years of fooling the college football world with smoke and mirrors and weak scheduling are over.

WVU falls to East Carolina and it was never even close. Somewhere Rich Rodriguez is laughing because he never lost to East Carolina.

How hot is the name “Skip Holtz” right now? I’ve been to various teams message boards since yesterday and a lot teams whose coaches are in the hot seat want him. For example:…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………………………..

• South Carolina
• Clemson
• Tennessee
• Syracuse
• Arkansas
• Louisville
• Washington
• Pittsburgh
• Notre Dame

Speaking of Syracuse how is it pathetic to lose to Akron. Other Big Least fail boats are Uconn & Pittsburgh. Sure Uconn won yesterday but it took an overtime to beat Temple. Are you kidding me? And Pitt struggled with Buffalo.

The best team in the Big Least is Cincinnati. Sure they lost yesterday but it’s difficult to go to Oklahoma and win.

Oh yeah you can continue pointing and laughing at the ACC. Way to go Maryland.

Ohio State should drop in the polls due to their dismal performance against Ohio.

Miami will be scary good by the middle of this season. And what a rank amateur move it was on Urban Meyer’s part to kick that last field goal. He could have let Miami have the ball on the 10 yard line. That was disgraceful.

Something else that is disgraceful is the PAC 10 refs. What an idiotic call yesterday involving Washington and BYU.

Arkansas better step it up or they will not win a conference game all year.

Notre Dame Football still sucks. If San Diego St. didn’t make some stupid mistakes they would have won that game.

Under the raider teams

• Nebraska
• Mississippi (I always knew Coach 0 could recruit now they have a coach.)
• Clemson they will bounce back
• Air Force
• F$U
• Cal
• Georgia Tech
• Iowa
• Purdue
• Oklahoma State
• Vandy
• TCU
• Kansas St.
• Arizona
• Indiana

Teams that impressed

• East Carolina
• Wisconsin
• Georgia
• Oregon
• Kentucky
• Cal
• Miami in a loss that game was closer than what the score dictates
• Texas
• Oklahoma
• Missouri
• TCU

Teams that failed to impress

• Ohio State
• Michigan
• Illinois
• Auburn
• Texas A&M
• Arkansas
• Alabama
• Kansas
• South Florida
• Utah
• Texas Tech.
• Texas

Schools that might be looking a new coach next year

• Arkansas
• Syracuse (that guy is a goner)
• Pitt (him to)
• Texas A&M
• Tennessee (I had to)
• Michigan
• Washington
• Colorado
• Notre Dame
• Virginia
• Maryland
• Memphis
• Louisville

Even the water girls of Ole Miss are hotties much like their cheerleaders.

The Miami cheerleaders are hot in a soft-core porn sort of way

Georgia’s cheerleaders are so-so

The Sarah Palin Video still lives here! Big Hair Rules!

Well well well…the Republican party has managed to take all the Sarah Palin videos off YouTube some fives days after I posted it! Well…where there’s a will there is a way!! The video still lives here bitches!!!

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Tiki Barber dropping the C-Bomb on NBC

Tiki Barber is perhaps the world’s most bitter former NFL running back. Imagine retiring early and then criticizing Tom Coughlin in an interview with Newsday by saying:

“Tom is the way he is; he’s not going to change, and that’s fine,” Barber said. “Just as it’s his prerogative to coach that way and treat people the way he does, it’s my prerogative to do something else and give you a reason why.”

“If I was lying, if I said, ‘Tom was a great guy,’ that he said, ‘Tiki, I know you’re hurt, take a day off,’ or if we screwed up he didn’t yell at me and said, ‘OK, Tiki,’ with positive reinforcement, then I’d be lying and I’d be wrong,” Barber added.

And course slamming the Coughlin, the Giants owners and even the fans in his book Tiki: My Life in the Game and Beyond.

“[Coughlin] robbed me of what had been one of the most important things I had in my life, which was the joy I felt playing football,” Barber wrote. “I had lost that. He had taken it away.”

“The fans normally only see me suited up on Sunday,” Barber wrote. “They never witness the agony of Monday morning, or all the muscle-straining workouts, the practices, the blood, the sweat, and tears it takes to walk out onto the field.”

Of course Tiki takes some credit for the Giants super bowl win even though by that time he was just another former jock announcer.

“I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team,” Barber said. “I know Brandon [Jacobs] was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves.”

Of course Tiki couldn’t stop while he was ahead. On January 3^rd this year before the Giants were crowned champions again, Tiki elected to slam Eli Manning.

“Eli’s got a strong arm. I know he’s been really maligned this year. You watch him on film, it seems like he’s going through a process the right way, making the right decisions. Sometimes he just throws some bad balls,” Ronde said yesterday in a phone conversation with The Post. “I don’t know the reasons for that. He can be had, we know that.”

He can be had?

“Just look at his percentage,” Barber said. “At the end of the day, your numbers don’t lie, and at the end of the day, you are what you put on film. Obviously, this team’s got a whole bunch of talent, and Eli’s got a whole bunch of talent behind him. He just doesn’t show it all the time.”

This brings us to today. I know that you know that Tiki knows he is rather bitter and embarrassed.

In the video below you’ll notice that Barber is talking to Jenna Wolfe and Brian Williams. Wolfe made a comment about Barber not having a Super Bowl ring, and shortly thereafter Williams made a comment about the Olympic “medal count.” At the 28 second mark on the video listen closely because it sounds like Barber said what sounded to be the dreaded C-word. I’m sure it was a Freudian slip directed to Wolfe after he felt that she had insulted him or he is still feeling like a jackass.

Here’s A Way To Keep Gas Prices Down

Everyone is being affected by the high gas prices in our country right now. Our company, like most businesses, is seeing transportation and manufacturing costs rise almost exponentially. The average American is spending more on gas than at any time in our country’s history. Sadly, this trend, according to some analysts, will continue through the end of the year. Currently, Obama and McCain have included plans to help alleviate the energy crisis, and from barbershops to flea markets, everyone has an answer…including me 😉

Yes, even a pagan such as myself has an answer to the gas crunch…

I would not dare suggest that we start drilling on the hallowed grounds of Notre Dame Stadium. But the Fighting Irish, warming up here last year against Navy (which Navy won), is the solution.

According to the World Almanac, in 1973, the average price of a gallon of gas in the U.S. was 51 cents a gallon. Notre Dame won the national title that year. Every year after, the price of gas went up on average of 3 cents a gallon. In 1977, gas was up to 65 cents a gallon. Notre Dame won the national title again. Gas prices did not rise again until 1979. But in 1980, gas went up into the 1 dollar range (right before the Gerry Faust era). When Lou Holtz delivered the Fighting Irish another title in 1986, gas actually went down to 93 cents, down from 1.20. Consequentially, gas prices experienced huge jumps in 1999 (when they were placed on probation under Bob Davie) and also in 2004 (when Ty Willingham was fired).

To me it is simple: We should all root for Notre Dame to win the national title this year. Get them a national TV contract. Continue to have high hopes for them, even if it may seem misguided. Give them a schedule that should guarantee some success. Like the great Paul Hornung said, “Get the black athlete”. Above all, someone in the national media, hell, make it two people in the national media, should stomp for them.

Only then the terrorists won’t win…Touchdown Jesus will…

Way Over Hyped Mayo Received Gifts from Boosters. YoJoe Is going to be Pissed at me

I’m going to be honest because no one else will say it. O.J. Mayo was over hyped, overrated & not even the best player in the PAC-10. In an apparent violation of NCAA rules while he was still in high school and during his one year in college, former USC basketball player O.J. Mayo, received thousands of dollars in cash, clothes and other benefits.

Louis Johnson, a one time inner circle member. says Mayo accepted around $30,000 in cash and gifts during the past four years from Rodney Guillory, a 43-year-old Los Angeles event promoter. In addition to cash, the gifts included a flat-screen television for Mayo’s dorm room, cell phone service, a hotel room, clothes, meals and airline tickets for Mayo’s friends and a relative, according to Johnson, others with knowledge of the gifts and store receipts.

If anyone is surprised by this I have a large bridge to sell you.

When Mayo was in high school in Ohio and West Virginia, Guillory was receiving monthly payments from the Northern California sports agency Bill Duffy Associates. Johnson said BDA provided Guillory with around $200,000 before Mayo arrived at USC, and that Guillory used most of the money to support his own lifestyle but also gave a portion of it to Mayo.

In exchange for the payments and gifts, Mayo entered a verbal agreement to allow BDA to represent him when he turned pro. He named BDA’s Calvin Andrews his agent. Go figure.

After Duffy’s company quit funding Guillory last year, Johnson says Guillory gave Mayo the flat-screen television, a hotel room and meals — and paid for it with a credit card that belongs to a nonprofit organization called “The National Organization of Sickle Cell Prevention and Awareness Foundation.” The organization has never been registered as a charitable trust with the California Attorney General’s Office. Mary E. Brown, president and CEO of the Sickle Cell Disease Foundation of California, said she had never heard of the foundation for which Guillory charged purchases through.

Another way of saying “It’s a shell charity.” If this turns out to be true, SoCal could eventually be taking it up the ass…but don’t count on it.

Johnson has had his own troubles in the past. A couple of years after initially meeting Guillory and Mayo, he was unemployed and received a suspended sentence and probation after being charged with selling cocaine.

Guillory was also involved with former USC basketball player Jeff Trepagnier, who was suspended in 2000 for taking illegal benefits (the NCAA ruled that Guillory had purchased airfare for Trepagnier and Fresno State’s Tito Maddox).

To bad this happened at USC because it likely nothing will come of it. God forbid if that happened at an SEC school. Three smoking guns now at USC. Any other school and they would be buried in sanctions.

Of course none of this would have happened if Mayo had the self control of a chimp on crystal meth. All he had to do was wait 6 months and all the riches untold would be his, his school would not be suffering a scandal. It only would have been 6 months, yet he did not have the self discipline to wait. How will he handle all the money when he has demonstrated the impulse control of a 3 year old?

This is the future of SoCal basketball.

The White Sox have a Sex Toy Fetish

Officials from Commissioner Bud “I’m A Useless Twit” Selig’s office contacted the White Sox on Tuesday to discuss the team’s display of two inflatable dolls in their clubhouse over the weekend in Toronto, but no punishment is expected to be handed down.

Before the Sox played the Blue Jays on Sunday, two inflatable female dolls — one with a bat inserted in its backside, purportedly to prop it up — were in the clubhouse. A ”Let’s Go White Sox” sign adorned one doll, and the other wore a sign reading, ”You’ve Got to Push,” playing off the rah-rah phrase popularized during spring training by third-base coach Jeff Cox. Bats were pointed at the dolls, a move designed to snap the team’s offensive slump.

First, let me get this straight: locker room humor is no longer allowed in the locker room? Nothing says “I’m a man! I’m 40” like Mike Gundy and blow-up dolls!

Sox general manager Ken Williams expressed disappointment over the display.

“I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form,” Williams said. ”In all seriousness, it is a little bit of a disappointment because we have proactively tried to — and just did so this spring training — organizationally, we brought in some people to discuss a better work environment, whether it’s gender issues or racial issues.”

”I don’t know what a formal apology on behalf of the club is going to do, other than me assuring everyone we are on top of it and we addressed the issue.”

I’m sorry the comment about the doll being violated is pure comedy gold.

Williams had lunch Ozzie Guillen and said Guillen and his coaches would be left to deal with the matter in a way that involves safety pins and possible puncture wounds to the dolls.

Guillen, who stressed he was not behind the display, stood his ground a second consecutive day, insisting he won’t apologize to those who were offended.

”If people feel that way, I respect that,” Guillen said. ”If people think we did something wrong, wow. I’m not going to apologize, I’m not going to say I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I can’t come up with the words because as soon as I say that, that means I’m guilty of something. I’m not guilty.”

I love Ozzie but that was a weak response.

Speculation has centered on Nick Swisher being the instigator behind the display. Asked if he regretted the move, Swisher shot back:

”Why are you saying I did it?”

Later, he pulled a Saban by saying:

”It was meant in a fun way. … It probably was wrong, but if anybody was offended by it, we sincerely apologize.”

Third baseman Joe Crede equated the incident to other ways teams try to snap out of slumps.

”It was in the same sense as guys going up to the bat rack and beating the crap out of the rack,” Crede said. ”Obviously it didn’t come out that way.”

This is a ridiculous to-do about nothing. A few guys can’t have a private joke in a locker room, without people feeling they have a right to an opinion? I don’t even understand the joke – let alone why anyone thinks they have a right to be offended. I’m glad “formal” apologies aren’t being given. It’s time people stop feeling so terribly entitled to their opinions and the right to be offended.

However t he Association for Women in Sports Media voiced its concerns about the White Sox’s antics in an e-mail to the Chicago Sun-Times .

“The presence of those dolls creates an uncomfortable situation for any female journalist who enters the White Sox locker room simply trying to do her job,” Jenni Carlson, the group’s president, wrote this week.

Does that name sound familiar to you? Here’s her photo…she’s the bitch that took personal shots at a amateur athlete who played for Mike Gundy. End result…Mike Gundy is America’s coach….Carlson…is still a whining bitch.