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Posts Tagged ‘Tennessee Titans’

America’s favorite baby daddy says he was trapped

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 16, 2009

travis-henry

Look, we all know that former University of Tennessee running back, Travis Henry, is one fertile MF’er. After all I did dub him Travis “I got nine, nine MF’ing kids” Henry for a reason.

Henry recently told his story of reproductive woe to the New York Times. The former Bills/Broncos/Titans running back states only one child was planned however after he left Tennessee for the NFL draft he had three kids from three separate mothers.

After Henry was drafted by North America’s South Canada’s team, the Buffalo Bills, he still continued to share his seed of love several times with various fallopian tubes.

Now here’s something that you might or might not know: Children are like little people, they sometimes need medical care, they need clothing, shelter and that pesky thing called food. With Henry’s legal troubles stemming from drug charges, and no longer in the league, Henry claims he is completely broke.

Of course none of this is Henry’s fault whatsoever. He says he was trapped. I believe I heard the same line while watching the movie Juno. Don’t judge me for watching Juno there was no sports on!!

“I did use protection at first. Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!”

Translation: “As a professional athlete there is a certain pressure on me to use Magnum XL condoms. I also have a pencil dick. Shit falls off, I’m a daddy. Again.”

Look Henry I’m going to drop some knowledge on you that my grandfather dropped on me:

Fool me once – shame on you. Fool me 8 times – I clearly have the IQ of a box of staples.

Henry may want to look into Vas Madness at The Urology Team in Austin, Texas. Of course back in my day we didn’t have all these fancy birth control methods….like pulling out.

At the present moment Henry is engaged and he says that both he and his fiancée don’t want any children. Which giving his past track record means I expect her to have quintuplets within the next two years.

Stuff like this is exactly why fellow NFL bust Maurice Clarett only has anal sex now. On second thought, that’s for different reasons altogether.

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Posted in Buffalo Bills, Crime & Punishment, Denver Broncos, Juno, NFL Football, SEC Football, Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Volunteers, travis henry, Trojan Magnum condoms | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Broken Plays for 10/23/08

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 23, 2008

Broken plays is collection of crap that I didn’t have the time to write about but I wanted to write something and since I’m rather pressed for time this AM let’s get to it.

In case you didn’t know Jerry “Hair plugs” Jones says Adam Jones checked into a facility “in another part of the country” to deal with his alcohol issue. The treatment plan is overseen by the NFL.

I can see it now:

*PacMan stands up at his first meeting.*

“Hello. My name is Adam and I have a problem. I done been here 3 hours and none of you bitches has showed me where the bar is. And where da strippers at man???? Where da strippers??? Get Jerry on da’ phone. This resort he sent me too sucks man!!!”

Has anyone notice how Fox Sports Charissa Thompson has really let herself go? See the above photo for a clear example. I bet Freddie Prinze, Jr. is determined to make her prom queen.

Rich Brooks had some not so nice things to say about the Kentucky fans from his press conference after last Saturday’s game:

“After the last two years? No, I don’t (think fans should have left) but that’s their prerogative,” Brooks said. “I wasn’t very happy at that stage of the game either and I’m looking for everything I can on the sideline to get our players back into it mentally. That’s part of the cascading affect that can have a real negative attitude on your football team. When those things happen around you you have to be strong enough to not let them affect you.

“I find it interesting about the perception of Kentucky football. What’s the ‘Bluegrass Miracle’? Now, you would think the Arkansas game might be better termed the ‘Bluegrass Miracle’ on the positive side so our ‘Bluegrass Miracle’ is a negative thing with Kentucky football. I find that very interesting. I find it interesting that you get more phone calls after a loss on the call-in shows than you do after a win. You might call that negativity, you know, the old glass half full, glass have empty.”

Support your team, Kentuckians!

Jay Cutler has started a war of words with Philip Rivers by saying:

“I have a stronger arm than John, hands down. I’ll bet on it against anybody’s in the league. Brett Favre’s got a cannon. But on game days, there’s nobody in the league who’s going to throw it harder than I am at all.”

His cameo in a South Park episode has clearly gone to his head. Notice since he started talking, his numbers have gone down. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

The Browns have suspended Kellen “I’m a MF’ing Soldier” Winslow for “unwarranted, inappropriate, and unnecessarily disparaging” remarks about the organization, as they put it.

What at first was reported as an undisclosed illness, which was then soon rumored to be “swollen testicles,” medically known as hydrocele. The truth turned out to be that Winslow was suffering from a staph infection.

“Regardless of how this was released the information would still remain the same,” Winslow said. “I contracted staph, again. I spoke out on this because I felt it was the right thing to do and that is why I was so passionate about it. This has nothing to do with football and this has nothing to with my current contract situation. This is a health concern.

“I care deeply for my organization, my teammates, and the Browns fans. At no time was I ever trying to cause distress for the team or be a distraction but the fact remains there is a health issue that needs to be addressed further.”

You’d think he’d be used to being treated like a piece of meat after sharing a locker room with Brady Quinn for two years.

Just to let everyone know, all the troubles Vince Young is having is apparently the fault of the media.

“I feel like they’re writing my legacy,” Young said. “They’re writing my story. I’m a great guy, a great humble guy. I’ve done a whole lot in my career in just three years and for [the media] to do stuff like that to try to make me look bad for some reason – I don’t know why – but they’re just writing my legacy.”

I know who I am, everyone knows who I am as a person. They know good and well, I ain’t trying to commit suicide or all that kind of crap. It was just a story everybody wanted to write. It was hot and everybody need to make their money, feed their viewers. I always get the bad end but I just brush that off and use that as motivation for myself.”

You know someone is humble when they point out how humble they are. I bet Jerry Jones approves of this response.

Young then trailed off for a moment, before yelling…”I drive a Dodge Stratus!!”

What a shocker A-Rod and Ho-Rod Madonna are romantically involved.

This will throw the scent off the gay trail! Because nothing says “Not gay!” like an insatiable Madonna obsession.

+1 to A-Rod’s PR people.

Apparently New Berlin Eisenhower High School football program has given R. Kelly a new idea for a new song. Thinking the restrooms were locked during halftime at a recent game against (I swear I not making this name up) Pewaukee High, the visiting Eisenhower players relieved themselves on the outskirts of the playing field.

Superintendent Paul Kreutzer tells the Journal Sentinel he has spoken with the players and says they showed incredibly poor judgment during halftime of Monday night’s game. Parents of opposing players agree. “I was very mad and I thought it was completely rude and uncalled for,” said Michele Bellows, whose son plays for Pewaukee’s junior varsity team. “I thought that they were making a statement like ‘the heck with you guys.’ ” Pewaukee Athletic Director John Maltsch admonished the boys and their coach over the public address system, saying “Coach, we do have facilities for your players to use.”

Ooooh. Urine some trouble now boys. According to the Flomax commercial, not only did these kids disgrace themselves, they are going to miss a photo op with their buddies.

I have just one pressing question. WTF is TO wearing? He looks like big old pass dropping bumblebee. Normally, T.O.’s barbershop quartet, The Pill Poppin’ Pen Pullin’ Prim Donnas, elect not to wear the yellow sweater.

Posted in A-Fraud, Alex Rodriguez, cleveland browns, Cry Baby, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Jerry Jones, Kentucky Wildcats, Madonna, Pacman Jones, Rich Brooks, T.O., Tennessee Titans, Terrell Owens, Vince Young | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

I’m not done with Wednesday’s update yet quite yet….

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 1, 2008

This has been an extremely busy week for stories involving NFL players that aren’t necessarily related to the heroism players show each and every Sunday. In fact most of them are very un-hero like. There’s so many that I don’t possibly have the time to write about them all.

So instead of writing boring stories with humorous & snarky quips, I’m just going to write a few lines and link them. After all that’s better nothing right? Yeah…that’s what I thought.

As we know former Tennessee God and Denver running back Travis “I gots 9 Mf’ing 9 kids” Henry’s baby mommas gots to get paid! Now since he is technically unemployed he decided to the next best thing and that is set up a drug deal involving cocaine.

Problem is he was busted. His new teammates Malice and Pusha T are disapointed and are dropping him from the Re Up Gang. Hey Henry remember don’t get Mile High on your own supply.

Terrell Owens still ♥’s his QB but hates “Sheshawn” Johnson.

“Then, Owens turned his attention to Johnson, who he referred to as “Sheshawn” on three separate occasions, the Star-Telegram reported.

(As the No. 1 overall pick in the 1996 draft) he is the ultimate underachiever on that (ESPN) panel. I am the reason he is in the booth,” Owens said. “Everybody is aware when I was brought to Dallas, he was the one they let go to get me here.”

And Sheshawn’s in the booth to replace Michael Irvin. ‘Cause Michael’s a crack head.

When Terrell ever gets fed up with Romo, ooh, what a nickname he has in store. Here’s a hint:

Remember when Steve Smith whipped Ken Lucas’s ass? Well now they are BFF’s forever!

“Smith scored his first touchdown of the season on a 54-yard pass from Jake Delhomme late in the second quarter, then presented the ball to Lucas on the sideline.”

Apparently Plaxico Burress has some issues with being tardy and is paying the price with fines. Sarah Palin’s daughter had that ‘late’ problem too, but mom wouldn’t let her throw money at her problem to take care of it. (Oh no I didn’t)

Eli Manning should hook Plaxico up with one of his Citizen watches.

Some people took the Georgia loss real hard over the weekend. Danny Ware a former Georgia player and current New York Giants running back took it extremely hard by getting drunk and arrested.

Ware and a 24-year-old Dallas woman attracted a police officer’s attention at about 2:25 a.m. Sunday at East Clayton Street near North Jackson Street because they seemed oblivious to traffic that had to steer around them as they stood in the street talking, according to police.

Ware admitted that he’d been drinking, and a breath test showed he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.152 grams, police said.

Lovely he wasn’t even driving he was just trying to get a hook up for later. I wonder if he feels worse about Georgia losing or the fact he’s a drunken pedestrian that was busted while wearing temporary Bulldog tattoos stuck to his face (“cheek flair”) which adds another level of humiliation.

This one is a little old however I meant to write about it. Apparently even though Pacman Jones broke the law several times, players on the Titians still respected him more than they respect Vince Young…you know the “leader” of the team.

“Vince definitely is going to have to win the locker room back. As bad as Pacman was when he left the building or at 3 o’clock in the morning, it never interfered with his football. He loved football. Loved practice. The guys loved him. Players are going to be on your side if you show that you’re going to help them win. Vince has to prove that to this team.”

Further proof that football players care mostly about whether their teammates are helping them win, something Young was not doing.

Not only does he have to worry if Terrell Owens will finally blow his lid but Jerry Jones must pay $25,000 to NFL for flapping his mouth about Ed Hochuli. Terrell Owens just laughs and laughs.

I’ll show love to baseball as well.

Even though he no longer coaches the Dodgers some people in San Francisco harbor ill feelings towards Tommy Lasorda by getting all pissy because he’s the grand marshal in the Italian American parade.

Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier wants organizers of the San Francisco Italian American parade to boot Tommy Lasorda as grand marshal … He’s the former manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, who’ve had “an intense rivalry” with our hometown Giants for years and “nobody embodies that more than Tommy Lasorda,” states the resolution … The Giants aren’t doing so great, it continues, and “Dodger fans are boastful and smug.”

For someone in San Francisco to call another person smug is rather hypocritical. Of course maybe they would prefer Joe Torre instead.

Everyone knows Eddie Vedder recorded a song for the Chicago Cubs right? Not to be left out the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have to have a song as well. However the best they could muster was Kevin Costner and his band “Modern West” penning them a diddy titled “It’s All Up To You.”

The song can be heard here, but be forewarned that one listen may cause cerebral hemorrhaging, blindness & the sudden love of shitty music.

Just in case you want to sing along, though:

“You got to swing for the fence, give a hundred percent,

“Dust yourself off, get up and do it again.

“You’re the only one that can make your dreams come true.

“You’re the only one, it’s all up to you.”

Posted in cocaine, Cry Baby, Dallas Cowboys, Danny Ware, Dawgs, Denver Broncos, drugs, drunk, Georgia Bulldogs, Jerry Jones, Major League Baseball, New York Giants, NFL Football, Pacman Jones, Tennessee Titans, Tennessee Volunteers, Terrell Owens, Tommy Lasorda, Tony Romo, Vince Young | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

And now a look at the AFC teams after week 2

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on September 16, 2008

AFC East:

  • New England Patriots: No Brady no problem. Cassel the backup to Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart while at SoCal takes the reigns and leads his team to 2-0. Hey Matt how does feel being benched knowing your backup who never played a college game is undefeated? Maybe this is your career highlight:

  • Buffalo Bills: Looking good guys. They were on the cusp all last year so they aren’t a fluke.
  • New York Jets: Couldn’t beat New England even though they have Brett Fa*** and New England was Brady’less. Welcome to the AFC Brett.
  • Miami Dolphins: Much improved over last year but are still winless.

AFC North:

  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Are still the team to beat.
  • Cleveland Browns: Are winless…what? Yes I’m afraid the team is suffering through a sophomore slump.
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Are horrible Marvin Lewis might want to start updating his resume. I wonder how crow tastes because he had to eat it after taking Chris Henry back.

  • Baltimore Ravens: Don’t expect to much them for the remaining of the season.

AFC South

  • Indianapolis Colts: Are in dire need to get the running game going.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: Are winless…maybe they aren’t as good as everyone thought.
  • Tennessee Titans: Vince is still sulking because Kerry Collins a future Just For Men spokesman is playing just fine.
  • Houston Texans: Have been disrupted by Hurricane Ike so really to early to tell.

AFC West

  • San Diego Chargers: The Bolts are winless and that’s a shocker. Maybe God hates them this year.
  • Denver Broncos: God may hate the Bolts but he loves Jay Cutler.
  • Oakland Raiders: Lane Kiffin might as well pack his “Hang In There” kitten poster up. He’s done there.
  • Kansas City Chiefs: I like Herman Edwards but this is a bad team he might be Oakland’s next coach.

Posted in Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, cleveland browns, Denver Broncos, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, jacksonville jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, Matt Leinart, miami dolphins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, Oakland Raiders, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Diego Chargers, Tennessee Titans | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Not A Good Time For Pro Sports in Tennessee

Posted by Joel Jackson on April 28, 2008

So how did ol’ Bud Adams and the Titans do in this year’s draft??? Do the letters WTF mean anything???

One glaring need for QB Vince Young and the Titans offense was a wide receiver. Everyone from Mel “Royal Crown” Kiper to Helen Keller could see that the Titans needed a receiver. So with the #24 pick in the 1st round, and every receiver still available, the Titans draft RB Chris Johnson from East Carolina. That’s right, a running back from that football factory of East Carolina is who GM Mike Reinfeldt chose. Typical. But don’t worry, Tennessee did draft a wideout, Lavelle Hawkins from Cal. Yes they could have had DeSean Jackson from Cal, but apparently this group of so-called NFL “personnel experts” decided not to. Plus, the reviews on all of their draft picks haven’t been stellar. This guy wasn’t even the dreaded “best player available”. Plus the Titans have decided to “Go Green”. No, they are not gonna add barf bags to the seats and recycle the puke from whenever the offense stalls again. They are putting grass in one of the parking lots in LP Field. At least my uncle, a season ticket holder, will be able to drink his beer and eat his ribs in the shade with the rest of his friends instead of pissing on the concrete.

But at least the Titans made the playoffs last year, something the Memphis Grizzlies won’t do for at least another 4 years, if then. They completed yet another year in the toilet. The offense wasn’t bad, but the defense was like Michael Vick using Chicken George as his lawyer. Probably, just like last year, the Grizzlies will get a lottery pick that they will do nothing with and trade away another player in-season (see Mike Miller) for a complete set of “Charles in Charge” on DVD, just so the player can be treated to Willie Aames’ perm daily.

On a lighter note, if you really want to call it that, I got a survey from the Memphis Grizzlies wanting to know how I feel about the sponsors of the team??? How do I feel??? I feel sorry for the sponsors of this poor excuse of a professional franchise. You have a coaching staff and front office that have no clue how to get out of its own way. If I were a ticket salesman for this team, I would quit my job than try to lie to potential season ticket holders about the “game day experience” of seeing the Memphis Grizzlies. Keep in mind, for some reason, I am still one of the 287 fans of this pathetic franchise. What is gonna be the next great Grizzlies game day promotion, redneck tractor pull???

***Note: I did not include the Nashville Predators in this post. The only time hockey matters is when a fight breaks out. Maybe is someone made the rink into an octagon (UFC style) it would be more interesting…

Posted in basketball, boo birds, Memphis Tigers, moral victories, moron, mullets, NBA, NFL, NFL Draft, NFL Football, Tennessee | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Uh Oh, Pacman Is “Gon Make It Rain”

Posted by Joel Jackson on March 25, 2008

pacmanparty.jpg

So Pacman just went on Michael Irvin’s show today saying how he needed to watch who he hangs out with, and now this. Pacman, along with his trusty sidekick “Spoaty” are having a sockhop in “da ATL” on Sunday. So if anyone is in the Atlanta area on Sunday and need some way to kill off a Sunday night, here ya go. Ladies get in free and Grey Goose is on the house. I guess this means that Dana Jacobsen won’t be there since she’s a Belvedere chick. Don’t worry, they can afford all of the free Grey Goose because they got the flyers printed at Cheap Ass Flyers…

0124jacobson.jpg

Posted in alcoholics, ass chewing, Ass Whipping, Big East, bongs, boo birds, classless, court tv, crazy, Crazy Women, Dead Drunk, Discipline, draft pick, drugs, DUI, dumbass, ESPN, football, guilty, Hip Hop, ho, Jerry Jones, legal troubles, Liar, Little Bitch, Marijuana, mary jane, moron, NFL, NFL Football, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Spoaty, Sports, stupid, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, WVU | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Pacman Jones Quiz

Posted by Joel Jackson on February 14, 2008

no-pacman2.jpg

Adam “Pacman” Jones has cleared his last criminal case by agreeing to a plea deal. He is now on probation for the next 3 years, meaning that if he gets in trouble again with the law, he will be locked up. No word from the league office on when and/or if he will get back into the NFL.

Well, I have decided to give you readers a quiz to see just how well you know the former Mountaineer and current Titans CB (for now). Don’t worry, it’s multiple choice.

Question #1: Pacman Jones likes to do the following in his spare time:

A. Smoke weed.

B. Record the worst rap you have heard this side of Kobe Bryant.

C. Frequent strip clubs.

D. All of the above.

Question #2: “Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones has retained the law firm that successfully defended Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis against double murder charges to be Jones’ lead counsel in the matter Monday at the Minxx Gentleman’s Club in Las Vegas.”

Reading the previous passage, one can interpret that:

A. Pacman will become the latest Baltimore Raven.

B. Has an experienced attorney on staff if he wants to do an O.J.

C. Could not afford Rusty Hardin.

D. All of the above.

Question #3: If a dollar bill falls on the strip club floor, and a dancer named runs to grab it before landing, does it make a sound???

A. Depends. Where is Pacman???

B. Depends. Where is Pacman’s entourage???

C. Depends. Where are the garbage bags full of singles???

D. All of the above.

Question #4: The square root of Pacman’s legal docket + the free time that he seems to always have equals:

A. Biting a cop.

B. Drinking in public.

C. Holding out as a rookie for more money.

D. All of the above.

The common denominator is the answer D. D is for “Dumbass Pacman Jones”. Oh, and Pacman said last month that he wants to go to Dallas. The Metroplex has more weed and strip clubs per square mile than Nashville ever will have. Well if Michael Irvin and Nate Newton can survive, maybe Pacman can. Either way, if I don’t see him in a Titans jersey again, I won’t miss him.

Posted in Asphyxiation, Ass Whipping, Big East, bongs, boo birds, cheaters, Pacman, Pacman Jones, Po Po, Police, pot, Spoaty, stupid, Tennessee, The Big East, TNA, West Virginia, West Virginia Mountaineers, WVU | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »