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Posts Tagged ‘T.O.’

The T.O. experiment goes to Buffalo

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on March 9, 2009

Fresh off proving that Jerry Jones is a liar, T.O. has signed with the Buffalo Bills. This should help Buffalonians with their power bills in the winter time, considering Owens is full of hot air.

In his introductory press conference, T.O. claims that he “beat to his own beat.” which is one of the most retarded things I’ve heard from him. It’s also the slogan of teenage boys everywhere. So pretty much he just admitted to being a chronic masturbator, right?

With the signing of Owens, the Buffalo Bills go from being irreverent to “North America’s Team.” The Patriots: Haiti’s team, at least according to the amount of 19-0 apparel down there. I think he meant to say “South Canada’s Team”

Even though according to the very non-scientific (but more likely than not accurate) poll taken by ESPN, people across the world doesn’t want T.O. on their team. Regardless of the poll, the Bills are mavericks and signed him anyway.

Just a suggestion for ESPN… since you have at least 8 channels already (I know this because of that tournament on The Ocho) just please use one of them, and only one of them, for T.O., steroids, A-Rod, Barry Bonds, and all of the other bullshit that everyone is sick of yet you devote nearly every second to. Oh, and put Steven A. Smith on that list, too.

I would say that Owens will kill the Bills’ locker room however they really don’t have much of a locker room to kill at this point other than Trent Edwards. Then again Marshawn Lynch has one more gun-related incident left in him, he would be wise to turn in those “get out of jail free” cards and make it all worthwhile…

At this point the Bills and T.O. might very well be made for other. Let’s face it no one goes to Buffalo to play because they want to. Playoff caliber teams (and San Francisco) didn’t want Owens. Most were scared of his ability to disrupt team chemistry, no matter what his on-field numbers stated, and they’re wise to do it.

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Posted in Buffalo Bills, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

More reasons as to why the 2008 Dallas Cowboys are genuinely failboats

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 21, 2009

family-fued

As if we need to point out why the Dallas Cowboys are the most overpaid failboats in this year’s NFL, a new report has surfaced that points to one person and it isn’t TO (surprisingly).

According to the Dallas News there are reports of tardiness, lack of respect, crappy coaching and lastly there are Tony Romo’s horrible practice habits. I’m sure there are some Romosexuals that are in a tizzy now!

And I didn’t even mention that fact Tony Romo was continuing to be an industrial grade turnover machine.

According to five sources, several offensive players lost respect for [offensive coordinator Jason] Garrett for his failure to corral quarterback Tony Romo in practice. Romo, sources said, often forced throws in practice and often did not treat practice work consistently.

The quarterback’s practice habits were so bad, sources said, that they affected the way he played in games and could have factored into the offense’s problems.

Sources said Owens was upset that Romo directed more passes at tight end and close friend Jason Witten as opposed to the other receivers who he deemed open. Owens has declined to discuss that issue.

I for one, I am shocked. You’d never suspect discipline problems watching TO scream at Romo on the sidelines and the head coach looking like he just awoke from a coma.

However the last paragraph does indicate that maybe TO might have had a point a few months back. Of course this reports also states that well TO never really showed up on time to meetings so can you take him seriously?

Owens was a repeat offender in being late for team meetings, sources said. With the Cowboys needing to defeat Philadelphia to reach the playoffs in the season finale, Owens was late for a Dec. 23 meeting, citing traffic problems two days before Christmas. Owens declined comment on his tardiness.

Scrip clubs, Ed Werder, and Jessica Simpson obviously contributed quite a bit as well. There is only one move to make now Jerry Jones…Sign Michael Vick. He’s got the rap sheet you’re looking for AND the inflated ego, perfect.

Then again this Dallas Team reminds me of the 1995 Dallas Cowboys…oh wait they won the Super Bowl that year…never mind.

dalls-anti-star

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Evil Empire, failboats, Jerry Jones, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Broken Plays for 10/23/08

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on October 23, 2008

Broken plays is collection of crap that I didn’t have the time to write about but I wanted to write something and since I’m rather pressed for time this AM let’s get to it.

In case you didn’t know Jerry “Hair plugs” Jones says Adam Jones checked into a facility “in another part of the country” to deal with his alcohol issue. The treatment plan is overseen by the NFL.

I can see it now:

*PacMan stands up at his first meeting.*

“Hello. My name is Adam and I have a problem. I done been here 3 hours and none of you bitches has showed me where the bar is. And where da strippers at man???? Where da strippers??? Get Jerry on da’ phone. This resort he sent me too sucks man!!!”

Has anyone notice how Fox Sports Charissa Thompson has really let herself go? See the above photo for a clear example. I bet Freddie Prinze, Jr. is determined to make her prom queen.

Rich Brooks had some not so nice things to say about the Kentucky fans from his press conference after last Saturday’s game:

“After the last two years? No, I don’t (think fans should have left) but that’s their prerogative,” Brooks said. “I wasn’t very happy at that stage of the game either and I’m looking for everything I can on the sideline to get our players back into it mentally. That’s part of the cascading affect that can have a real negative attitude on your football team. When those things happen around you you have to be strong enough to not let them affect you.

“I find it interesting about the perception of Kentucky football. What’s the ‘Bluegrass Miracle’? Now, you would think the Arkansas game might be better termed the ‘Bluegrass Miracle’ on the positive side so our ‘Bluegrass Miracle’ is a negative thing with Kentucky football. I find that very interesting. I find it interesting that you get more phone calls after a loss on the call-in shows than you do after a win. You might call that negativity, you know, the old glass half full, glass have empty.”

Support your team, Kentuckians!

Jay Cutler has started a war of words with Philip Rivers by saying:

“I have a stronger arm than John, hands down. I’ll bet on it against anybody’s in the league. Brett Favre’s got a cannon. But on game days, there’s nobody in the league who’s going to throw it harder than I am at all.”

His cameo in a South Park episode has clearly gone to his head. Notice since he started talking, his numbers have gone down. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

The Browns have suspended Kellen “I’m a MF’ing Soldier” Winslow for “unwarranted, inappropriate, and unnecessarily disparaging” remarks about the organization, as they put it.

What at first was reported as an undisclosed illness, which was then soon rumored to be “swollen testicles,” medically known as hydrocele. The truth turned out to be that Winslow was suffering from a staph infection.

“Regardless of how this was released the information would still remain the same,” Winslow said. “I contracted staph, again. I spoke out on this because I felt it was the right thing to do and that is why I was so passionate about it. This has nothing to do with football and this has nothing to with my current contract situation. This is a health concern.

“I care deeply for my organization, my teammates, and the Browns fans. At no time was I ever trying to cause distress for the team or be a distraction but the fact remains there is a health issue that needs to be addressed further.”

You’d think he’d be used to being treated like a piece of meat after sharing a locker room with Brady Quinn for two years.

Just to let everyone know, all the troubles Vince Young is having is apparently the fault of the media.

“I feel like they’re writing my legacy,” Young said. “They’re writing my story. I’m a great guy, a great humble guy. I’ve done a whole lot in my career in just three years and for [the media] to do stuff like that to try to make me look bad for some reason – I don’t know why – but they’re just writing my legacy.”

I know who I am, everyone knows who I am as a person. They know good and well, I ain’t trying to commit suicide or all that kind of crap. It was just a story everybody wanted to write. It was hot and everybody need to make their money, feed their viewers. I always get the bad end but I just brush that off and use that as motivation for myself.”

You know someone is humble when they point out how humble they are. I bet Jerry Jones approves of this response.

Young then trailed off for a moment, before yelling…”I drive a Dodge Stratus!!”

What a shocker A-Rod and Ho-Rod Madonna are romantically involved.

This will throw the scent off the gay trail! Because nothing says “Not gay!” like an insatiable Madonna obsession.

+1 to A-Rod’s PR people.

Apparently New Berlin Eisenhower High School football program has given R. Kelly a new idea for a new song. Thinking the restrooms were locked during halftime at a recent game against (I swear I not making this name up) Pewaukee High, the visiting Eisenhower players relieved themselves on the outskirts of the playing field.

Superintendent Paul Kreutzer tells the Journal Sentinel he has spoken with the players and says they showed incredibly poor judgment during halftime of Monday night’s game. Parents of opposing players agree. “I was very mad and I thought it was completely rude and uncalled for,” said Michele Bellows, whose son plays for Pewaukee’s junior varsity team. “I thought that they were making a statement like ‘the heck with you guys.’ ” Pewaukee Athletic Director John Maltsch admonished the boys and their coach over the public address system, saying “Coach, we do have facilities for your players to use.”

Ooooh. Urine some trouble now boys. According to the Flomax commercial, not only did these kids disgrace themselves, they are going to miss a photo op with their buddies.

I have just one pressing question. WTF is TO wearing? He looks like big old pass dropping bumblebee. Normally, T.O.’s barbershop quartet, The Pill Poppin’ Pen Pullin’ Prim Donnas, elect not to wear the yellow sweater.

Posted in A-Fraud, Alex Rodriguez, cleveland browns, Cry Baby, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Jerry Jones, Kentucky Wildcats, Madonna, Pacman Jones, Rich Brooks, T.O., Tennessee Titans, Terrell Owens, Vince Young | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Pacman joins the Cowboys & Jessica Simpson starts stripping. Coincidence?

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on August 5, 2008

According to the other “World Wide Leader in Sports” the Sun newspaper, Jessica Simpson has been giving Tony Homo Romo a strip show via a web-cam. She is doing it to keep the romance alive. But I think this is a way for the Cowboys to keep Pacman out of the strip clubs.Somehow T.O. is involved with this but I haven’t made that connection…yet.

The Shocking part: Jessica Simpson knows how to work a web cam.

A pal said: “Jess has no problem showing Tony her favourite ‘PUSSYCAT DOLLS‘ routine. She will dance in front of her camera until she makes her man happy.”

Jessica makes sure her web cam shows are for Tony’s eyes only according to the paper.

The pal added: “Jess does get paranoid, making sure Tony doesn’t have any of his Cowboys buddies peeking in on the show.”

This can only end with videos winding up on the internet then again Peter King does the same thing for Brett Fa***.

Posted in Adam Jones, Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Jessica Simpson, NFL Football, Pacman, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo, Web Cam Strippers | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Get Your Popcorn Ready & Have Your Parents Keep a Bail Bondsman on Standby

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on June 18, 2008

TO’s newest BFF.

Kids it’s time for the Terrill Owens football camp. Owens will be hosting his third Youth Football Camp at Duncanville High School in Dallas, Texas, July 9-10 and he’s bringing in some special guests. So special you parents might want to have a bail bondsman there “just in case.”

“I am very excited for the third season of my youth football summer camp,” Owens said in a statement. “The camp is committed to teaching kids how to improve their football skills and increase their knowledge of the game. I’d also like them to understand that their activities off the field are just as important as scoring a touchdown. In past years, everyone has learned a lot and they’ve had a great time. I’m looking forward to another fun year.”

The camp is $195 per child and is open to children between the ages of seven and 17. Never mind the fact that Owens recently signed a four-year deal with the Cowboys worth $34 million making him one of the highest paid receivers in the league, so go in daddy’s wallet and steal borrow a credit card. (Don’t forget about the special 3 digit security code on the back.)

Guest number one will be former world record holder in the 100-meter dash, Maurice Greene. Who had this to say:

“All sports are turning to one thing – speed, running fast is all about the technique of how to do it. I have to look at the kids to see what they’re doing wrong.”

Greene might bring his buddy Mexican discus thrower Angel Guillermo Heredia. Greene paid Heredia $10,000, which Heredia claimed was in payment for performance enhancing drugs. Greene admitted meeting Heredia and making the payment, but claimed it was common for him to pay for “stuff” for other members of his training group,

With these two together you will be able to run faster and bulk up quickly. However TO & his “guests” are not responsible for any ball shrinkage that might occur.

Guest number two is Michael Irvin who will offer advice on how to avoid the mistakes he made like how not to get caught with cocaine or get how not to get caught with inflicting a two-inch cut like what was in the neck of Dallas guard Everett McIver while some team members were getting haircuts.

TO & his “guest” are not responsible for future arrests or getting fired from a job at ESPN.

Guest number three is none other than Adam “Pac Man” Jones. Of course you’ll be able to learn how to make rain, slap “scrippers”, vandalize nightclubs and withhold information from the police concerning small things like a shooting that might leave a bouncer paralyzed.

Hopefully more guests like Tank Johnson can come. Tank can show you how to build an illegal arsenal weapons.

If enough kids sign up maybe there can be a petting zoo provided by Bad Newz Kennels and a boat rides sponsored by Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.

So get your popcorn ready and better make sure you have air-tight alibis.

Posted in bad newz kennels, Bail Bondsman, Crime & Punishment, Dallas Cowboys, Fred Smoot, Michael Irvin, Pacman Jones, T.O., Terrell Owens | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

T.O. Learns That Tears Like Tebow Can be Costly.

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 30, 2008

It was revealed that the tears of Terrell Owens cost him $769,120 yesterday. Shyam Das an arbitrator ruled against T.O. and the NFL Players Union.

The union disputed the Eagles’ effort to recover $1.725 million of the $2.3 million signing bonus the team paid the wide receiver when it signed him to a seven-year, $48.97 million deal in 2004.

When asked about the ruling Das said:

“I would have given the Eagles franchise the entire $1.725 million but that little bitch Owens starting balling like a baby. Just because I’m a court appointed arbitrator who holds two separate degrees, doesn’t mean I’m heartless.”

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said this month he plans to pay Owens a $3 million roster bonus, so the All-Pro should have some extra cash to pay the Eagles.

“The original roster bonus was $1.5 million but his whining and crying was giving me a headache”

Tony Romo was quoted as saying:

“Great just I need another bitch calling me in the middle of the night and crying on the phone.”

To sum things up:

T.O. says “Get your popcorn ready!”

The NFL says “Get your checkbook ready!”

Disclaimer: As if it were not completely obvious, this article is complete crap and is purely the result of the unbalanced mind of the author. It is a fictional parody, and is not intended to be taken as fact. Neither this posting, those who created it, nor this blog are in anyway affiliated with the Philadelphia Eagles, NFL & T.O.’s cried out tear ducts or any of their staff.

Disclaimer to the first disclaimer: I borrowed some most of the wording for the disclaimer from Lawvol at Gate 21. Since he’s a real lawyer I hope he doesn’t mind.

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Little Bitch, NFL Football, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

See I Told You T.O. Was a Little Bitch

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on January 14, 2008

I have little respect for Terrell Owens. Don’t get me wrong he’s a great wide receiver and one hell of an athlete, but it’s his character that I have issues with. That’s why I was, and still am elated to see him cry for a 12 year old girl who just got dumped for the first time, on television.

“It is a loss that really hurts,” Owens said, his tears shielded by a pair of dark glasses.

All loses should hurt but this lose is how last season ended as well, with the ball coming out of quarterback Tony Romo’s hand and ending up where it didn’t do Dallas any good. And for the record Romo wasn’t throwing it to T.O. either.

T.O.’s tears can only be blamed on himself. He claims he bought the plane tickets to Cabo for Romo and Simpson, as an apology for calling Simpson “a distraction” when she attended the Eagles’ upset of the Cowboys in December.

“This wasn’t about Tony. You can talk about him, you can talk about the vacation, but it’s unfair. That’s my teammate. That’s my quarterback,” Owens said, breaking into prison bitch sobs and tenderly drawing out the word quarterback.

“It’s unfair because I know what it’s like,” T.O. said. “He’s the quarterback of this team, and win or loss, it’s going to fall on his head.”

Don’t you mean you know what’s it like to always blame the quarterback and everyone else as well? Last year T.O. claimed he wasn’t used enough in the offense even though he led the league in dropped passes.

It’s the next comment that made me do a double take.

“I’ve always had a good relationship with quarterbacks,” he said. “I know what type of person I am on the inside. I know who I am.”

Paging Drs. Garcia and McNabb. The patient is not responding normally.

If you’ve ever see the show South Park then you’re familiar with the famous way Kyle Broflovski’s mom reacts to something shocking. That’s exactly what I did when I heard this. I said “Wh Wh Wha What!!”

Is T.O. talking about high school or college quarterbacks? Everyone knows the Philadelphia story and I’m not to sure calling Jeff Garcia gay even though he was dating a Playboy playmate at the time is a “good relationship.”

In any event I’m glad the Cowboys lost, I freaking hate them. Their only redeeming quality is having Jason Whitton on the team.

Giants running back Brandon Jacobs, who is a developing young trash talker, left town making some back-handed compliments.

“The Cowboys are a great football team,” he said. “They might have had a chance to win if Patrick Crayton didn’t drop the two key passes. There was a lot of talk. But it’s over with. We won the game. They’re chillin’ and we’re going to Green Bay next week.”

As Giants defensive end Michael Strahan walked off the field, he said, “Hope everyone at home enjoyed the game. I hope you had your popcorn ready.”

I know I did and I will next week as well.

This I proclaim on 1/14/08.

TtT

 

 

Posted in Dallas Cowboys, Little Bitch, T.O., Terrell Owens, Tony Romo, whiners, white trash | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »