Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

A Sports Blog on why ALL Teams Suck…Again!

Posts Tagged ‘Walmart’

If you’re a student athlete please stop trying to shoplift of Wal-Mart

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on November 12, 2008

What is it with college athletes and shoplifting from Wal-Mart? Is there some super secret requirement that if you’re in college on an athletic scholarship then you must participate in shoplifting from Wal-Mart?

Seriously…this is the fourth story I’ve written about involving college athletes and shoplifting from Wally World in less than a year’s time.

Story #1 Oklahoma player sent home for having sticky fingers

Story #2 Women’s B-ball player from Oklahoma proves she can cross-dribble and shoplift

Story #3 Eastern Kentucky football player is busted and has that “not-so-fresh” feeling

All of these idiots were caught shoplifting from Wal-Mart. Well it’s time for story #4.

A 20-year-old Binghamton University basketball player named Malik Alvin enters the failed Wal-Mart shoplifting ring of shame.

Alvin was caught by the Wal-Mart rent-a-cop with 36 Trojan Magnum condoms shoved down his pants. How was there any room in his pants for the Magnums if that’s truly what he needed? As he attempted to run he knocked over a 66-year-old female customer which left her with a concussion. Even though the lady might have flopped…guess what Alvin? You also get a simple assault charge for that as well. Douche-bag

Only 36 condoms? Wilt Chamberlain is not impressed!!!!!!!!!!

That 66-year old lady is the best defender he’s faced all year playing for Binghamton.

For the record the school offers free condoms what an idiot, unless he mistakenly thought he was enrolled at Brigham and couldn’t get rubbers for free at the student health center.

Alvin is considered a playground legend from Philly and is a transfer from Chipola College, a community college on Florida’s panhandle between Tallahassee and Pensacola.

To top all of this off, Alvin is a cousin of the late Walter Payton, the famed former Chicago Bears football player who is in the Hall of Fame.

Bottom line is if you can’t get away from Wal-Mart security, maybe athletics just isn’t your thing.

Posted in Binghamton University, Condoms, Shoplifting, Trojan Magnum condoms, Wally World, Walmart | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Eastern Kentucky University football player is busted for shoplifting and for having that “not-so-fresh-feeling”

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 25, 2008

Eastern Kentucky University football player, Davin Walker, was arrested recently for shoplifting that turned violent in the NCAA’s favorite place to shoplift, Wally World.

Walker was spotted on store surveillance putting items into a backpack. He was confronted by two overpaid under IQ’ed Wal-Mart employees. Walker then lunged straight toward one of the men knocking him down, and fled the scene so fast he lost his shoes (literally) and backpack.

“A physical altercation ensued, and a shopping cart overturned, tearing the tip off of a 69-year-old female customer’s thumb,” said Sgt. Willard Reardon, public information officer for the Richmond Police Department.

Thankfully, the woman’s thumb tip was not completely severed and she has since received stitches and is recovering.

The lady was inn the wrong place at the wrong time. She was walking into the store with a buggy when this altercation occurred.

“What otherwise would have been a theft charge was elevated to first-degree robbery by the physical altercation,” Reardon said.

However Michael Eubanks, Walker’s defense attorney, disagrees.

“In this case, we have a theft,” he said. “At the time of (the physical confrontation with the woman), the shoplifting already had occurred. What we have is shoplifting and an assault.”

Eubanks said Walker did not have a weapon, therefore it should not be considered first-degree robbery.

“There’s no evidence that Mr. Walker was trying to cause her any harm,” Eubanks said. “He didn’t say: ‘I’m going to hurt you if you don’t give me the battery charger.’”

County Attorney Marc Robbins stressed that someone who was not involved in the incident was hurt, and that justifies the first-degree robbery charge.

According to the 2008 Criminal Law of Kentucky handbook, first-degree robbery is defined as: “… in the course of committing theft, he uses or threatens the immediate use of physical force upon another person with intent to accomplish the theft and when he: (a) causes physical injury to any person who is not a participant in the crime; or (b) is armed with a deadly weapon; or (c) uses or threatens the immediate use of a dangerous instrument upon any person who is not a participant in the crime.”

It sounds like he met those criteria to me.

Now you might be wondering what was Walker stealing to make him bolt in such a manner. Here is the interesting part. The backpack that he dropped contained a cell phone battery charger, a box of douches and a bottle of feminine hygiene spray.

Doh! No wonder he ran so fast. Doesn’t EKU have boosters to help him out with some of these items? You know you’re whipped when you steal feminine products from Wal-Mart.

Walker is a senior wide receiver from Miami, Fla. EKU spokesman Marc Whitt said Walker had been enrolled as a student for the spring 2008 semester.

Walker has been suspended indefinitely by the EKU Department of Athletics. At least until he passes a crab check.

He played in 11 games last season as a running back, receiver and kick returner. The 5-foot-10, 162-pound player was a Second-Team All-OVC selection in 2006 as a returner, and ranked 11th in the nation for kick return average.

Posted in dumbass, Eastern Kentucky University, EKU, Shoplifting, Wally World, Walmart | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Native American Basketball Player Proves she can Crossover Dribble while Shoplifting

Posted by Thomas the Terrible on July 16, 2008

I would personally like to thank Danometer for this story tip. And in the words of Dan:

“The OU Sooners used to be known as the Be$t Player$ Money ¢ould Buy, especially back under the Herr Switzer era. Did the pay-off cash dry up?”

Walmart must be beginning to hate University of Oklahoma athletes. It seems every few months an OU athlete is arrested in a Walmart which can be technically found every 2.5 square miles across this country.

Women’s basketball point guard Jenna Plumley sent a message out to the OU football players yesterday. The message was simple. If you can fail at shoplifting then so can I. I am woman hear roar!! (And cry when the cuffs are placed on my wrists)

According to an arrest report, Plumley was busted while trying to steal four cosmetics items valued at $34.65. She allegedly put a compact, eyeliner and two eye shadows in her purse after removing their bar codes and tried to leave the store without paying for them and by the looks of her she needs all the makeup she can get.

Officer Jennifer Newell said a Walmart theft prevention officer made the arrest.

This should be a lesson to all and any ugly women reading this. Save yourself some trouble by donning a paper bag with eyeholes. How embarrassing is it to be busted for shoplifting by what is essentially a rent-a-cop?

An OU athletics department spokesman said coach Sherri Coale is aware of the situation, but the department is making no comment and Coale would handle the matter internally.

Meaning the coach was looking into start selling Mary Kay cosmetics to supplement her income, but since her players can’t afford Walmart makeup how in the hell can they afford the expensive stuff?

Tony doesn’t love shoplifters

Posted in basketball, Big 12, Crazy Women, Crime & Punishment, Oklahoma sooners, Shoplifting, Walmart, white trash | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »