The Only Thing Worse Than ESPN TV Programming

I know, it’s a catchy title. Usually, I leave criticizing ESPN for other blogsites such as The Big Lead or Awful Announcing, but a network that I once could not live without has become the network that I cannot stand to watch. I would rather sit down with the misses and watch marathons of Extreme Makeover and Dancing With the Stars than sit through another segment of the (insert name here) heads at ESPN. At times, I would still rather mute the lovely Erin Andrews than listen to her ask an uncomfortable Kelvin Sampson about his job status, knowing that he can’t answer anything in the middle of an investigation. Why would she ask such questions??? Because her corporate bosses tell her to. While stuck in an office building the past few days with nothing but a radio and crappy internet access, I was forced to endure the impossible. It was during this time that I realized that there is something even worse than ESPN TV…

When was the last time any of you listened to ESPN Radio??? My God, the crap that comes out of one radio station is unbelievable. Let’s start off with Pussboy and Steroid (Mike & Mike). The past few days I was subjected to Eric Kuselias, who in the pillowfight between which one is worse between Pussboy and Kusey, there is no definitive winner. Why these two are still on the air I have no idea, except maybe to give soccer moms something to listen to so that their husbands seem more manly.

Then we go to everyone’s favorite douchebag, Colin Cowherd. I won’t spend too much time on him, because anyone who goes on any number of blogs will tell you without question Cowherd the one guy at ESPN that no one can exactly figure out why he has a job. I will say this: never have I seen a guy who really has done squat professionally be so much of an arrogant ass. He always is quick to bring up ratings, yet when noon eastern hits, his ratings drop. Why??? Jim Rome is on, and yes Rome is a love him or hate him guy, but at least he can make fun of himself every once in a while.

Next we have the slot formerly occupied by Dan Patrick but is now taken up by Mike Tirico and his band of merry men. I understand that Tirico has been with the company for a while, but it’s bad enough that I am subjected to him for Monday Night Football (I had at one point last season muted the broadcast in favor of Westwood One’s coverage with the silky smooth and back biting Marv Albert). He is also doing the occasional NBA game. Now he is on the radio. You know the saying of “Jack of All Trades, Master of None”??? That ought to be tattooed onto Tirico’s bald spot.

Also on his show, he has friends such as Scott Van Pelt and Michele Tafoya joining him. Van Pelt reads blogs unlike some of his counterparts, and I am not sure if he has ever stopped onto this site. It must be said: He needs to pull a Tirico and grope a female intern (allegedly), because he has some excess energy built up. Tafoya’s throat must be filled with sand and no one cares about Cal-Berkeley except her, ABarclay, and some tree hugging potheads. I tell you, if the state of California pays for my airfare, I will cut those damn trees down myself.

While I don’t get Screamin’ A. Smith’s Radio Show, I have heard it before on my trips to Memphis. It is actually entertaining whenever he talks about a New York sports team, especially the New York Knicks (America’s Team). Just don’t forget the Cheesy Doodles.

It is my understanding that most local affiliates go to local program during the drive time, so my next to last whipping boy is Doug Gottlieb. I won’t make fun of him stealing credit cards, having to transfer to Oklahoma State because of the shame, not being drafted, couldn’t even make the And 1 Mix Tape team, or even his ability to put a man to sleep while driving 65 mph on the interstate. I will be more positive, and just say this about Gottlieb: he has the unique talent of putting a man to sleep while driving 65 mph on the interstate. Now that’s more talent than playing basketball in Russia.

Finally, there is one particular personality that even more than Cowherd that really sauces my pasta, and that misfit is Amy Lawrence (open this link if you dare, you have been warned). I had to make a 3 am run to Kroger to grab some Pedialyte for my daughter when I heard her right wing political beliefs as she was trying to make a point about the way sports is covered. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and I don’t care if she supports President Bush or not. I tune in to listen to sports. If I wanted to listen to conservative talk radio, I would tune in to Rush or Hannity, not ESPN. At least those guys are up front about their agendas.

Sorry, it’s a little bit of a long post, and I didn’t even get into AllNight with Jason Smith. I think I need to stop now. Plus, I need to check in for my flight at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. Besides, I took the tour of CNN and did not get the chance to see Robin Meade. Not that I was stalking her or anything, but if only I could touch the hem of her cute little garment…

Morning Sunshine indeed…