Disturbing Image Friday: If it walks like a duck…hey WTF is the duck doing?!?

This is the Long Island Ducks mascot Quackerjack. I’m really not sure what he is doing to the poor man and honestly I’m too afraid to investigate any further. My theory is that John Rocker took the mascot gig after he got cut from the actual roster.

And then… he… he… started… quacking!

*shaves head*

*showers for the next 3 hours*

Disturbing image Friday: The Burger King Beat Down

Yes I realize this has nothing to do with sports however it’s too funny not to share. This Burger King in Miami takes the competition against McDonalds very seriously. This Burger King location also wins some style points for the bang up frame job as well. 

Jack (in the Box) can still kick both their behinds with one bulging bicep tied behind his back. Do something about it!

Yeah I know I didn’t update the site this morning

I woke up this morning and for the first time in a very long time something happened. I didn’t want to write. Maybe it’s because this is the slow season or maybe it’s because I have so many other things going on in my life other than this blog, that even contemplated shutting this site down today. Do not worry it’s not going to happen but I will tell you this: I’m burned out.

Hopefully I will find something to write about for tomorrow and God willing it be entertaining and humorous. If not…well….sorry.

Letters of love: The whirlwind romance of Boston Red Sox owner John Henry

As a diehard Boston Red Sox fan I have a lot of respect for the owner of the team John Henry. Like many other owners of professional sports teams he knows what he wants and how to get it. Fortune, power, the Red Sox, a decent parking spot near Fenway Park and a fiancé that’s 30-year younger than him. 

Boston Magazine recently did a profile on the love affair about him and his fiancé Linda that tells the story of this love affair from beginning to now that took about 3 days to read due to the ridiculous length of it. The article reprints Henry’s late night email to her. 

“Dear Linda, 

A man needs a muse. Well, he doesn’t really. He doesn’t need nearly as much as he generally thinks he does. A man is greedy. Greedy for what he doesn’t think he has and what he thinks he wants. 

We probably wouldn’t have wandered far beyond the basic necessities without that pushing us. Progress is one of its most important byproducts. 

So you will ask, “Why are you writing this?” Because a brief encounter-and-a-half with you gave a cool spin to this little blue planet from my vantage point. 

We feted the Celtics tonight and the skies opened. The sun emerged and created a giant rainbow between the city and the park. We were transfixed.

You only saw it if you were in the right place. I was in the right place when I noticed you. 

I barely know you. I don’t have any illusions about capturing your heart. But the world is brighter, better, lighter and warmer when a man imbues a woman he knows-even tabula rasa-with the attributes I believe reside in you. It’s the small things that ultimately matter. The subtle things. 

I am honest. I don’t play games. And I see no reason not to say that I’ve been smitten by you and you’ve done me a great service. 

You’ve very innocently made my world brighter, better, lighter and warmer. 

So thanks. 

No response is necessary because a man doesn’t need nearly as much as he thinks he does.” 

Cue the panty dropping porno music. 

Ok now let’s look at this from Linda’s perspective: 

Dear Linda, 

I’m rich as fuck. You’ll be entitled to half of it in 15 years. Wanna fuck?

Yours in Christ, 

John W. Henry 

Anyone else think he wrote the letter by candle light, using a fountain pen and parchment? However I think John Henry clearly stole some of the lines from Thom Brennaman’s letters to Tebow.   

Whatever the case it certainly worked, the two lovebirds are set to married where death will most likely end this whirlwind romance leaving Linda to battle over the estate with Henry’s ex-wife and daughter.

Yes, there is also ignorance abound in Australia

Unfortunately the image above is real and it’s a crying shame. The Torquay Tigers football club of Australia did more than raise a few eyebrows for the team’s upcoming “All White Night.” It also enraged the National Race Discrimination Commissioner Tom Calma as well as the team’s players. 

“Given the work we’ve been doing, you would think they would be much more sensitive to these issues and find them totally abhorrent,” he said. 

No shit Sherlock. 

Some moron volunteer posted this image on the team’s website to promote a weekend social event with an all-white theme. The white was supposed to refer to the dress code. I suppose this idiot figured nothing says dress like Rick Pitino like showing images that represent 150 years of bigoted ignorance. Fucking douche bag. 

“The latest Ku Klux Klan scandal comes after Fremantle this month denied claims by its assistant coach, Steve Malaxos, that players had dressed in Klan gear and raided each others homes as a prank.” 

Gee, that freaking doesn’t help matters either. Who the hell is running this team? The team quickly replaced the image with what I’m sure to be an unauthorized picture of Disney’s Snow White. I didn’t know John Rocker had moved Down Under.

Hockey fans celebrate goal by performing mock fellatio

Honestly you have to ask yourself: Is that a father and son combo?

Hulk Hogan “understands” OJ Simpson…WTF?!?!?

Remember that ultra-gay song Hulk Hogan used as entrance music during his hay day? I believe the song was called “Real American Hero.” Well, apparently Hulk Hogan believes that OJ Simpson was a Hulk-a-Maniac at one point. OJ ate his vitamins, killed his spouse and another and then said his prayers. Which ironically worked since the murder remains “unsolved.” 

The New York Post is reporting that recently Hulk Hogan stated he “identifies” with OJ Simpson during a recent interview with Rolling Stone. Don’t ask me why that magazine feels the need to interview Hogan when there are limitless other candidates they could be talking to. 

“I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat,” he told the magazine. “You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it.”  

That 19-year-old boy happens to be the pool man (and you thought pornos made stuff up) who Hogan refers to as “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior.” Hogan also say his soon to be ex, Linda, is spending around $40,000 a month. 

Now we have all said something in anger that we have later regretted but to reference OJ…I’m sure the judge overseeing his divorce proceedings will love hearing that one. 

I can emphasize with how Hogan feels…I mean his wife is a bitch but that doesn’t give him the right to cause physical violence against his wife or any other person for that matter. I honestly don’t think Hogan is THAT stupid. But if he was…whatcha’ going to do when the Hulkster attempts to stab you? “Brother!”

Rock…Chalk…WTF?

Santa Claus got angrier then I remembered.

I hope you enjoyed the first and second round of the big dance this weekend. Now Kansas fans WTF is this? What is that he is holding, the J.D. Power Award for Best in Class Safety?

I’m not gonna lie … I have absolutely no idea what that is. My first four guesses:

1. Moses
2. Poseidon
3. General Kris S. Kringle
4. King Kandy

19 cheerleaders, one elevator…oh why wasn’t I there?

Here is another:

“Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me… ”

Moment in time to share with you.

I have a joke for you. What do you get when 19 Fashion Institute of Technology (in New York City) basketball team cheerleaders try to use one elevator at the same time? Well I honestly don’t know but what the hell does the Fashion Institute of Technology have a basketball team for anyway? Maybe they play ITT, DeVry or the University of Phoenix.

Here is a cliffhanging tale of fear, lust and 19 F.I.T cheerleaders in one elevator gone wrong and how even though they faced fear at 92 feet, the ultimate cheer and the knowledge of using paisleys and pastels saved the day. Oh yeah I guess one could also mention the firefighters as well.

When the F.I.T cheerleaders met an empty elevator last Sunday, the temptation to cram themselves in it was obviously too much to resist. The elevator was on the eighth floor-lounge and they were headed for the gym which is located on the main floor.

Suddenly the God said no in the form of a disaster and Dennis Hopper is really desperate for another movie role, apparently. So here’s a first-hand account from The Love of Sports:

“We get in, the elevator starts to move down slowly and then began to shake. Then it dropped abruptly two to three times. The elevator slowed and then stopped altogether. So, of course, it started in panic, and you can imagine how loud it got with 19 cheerleaders screaming all at once … Once we all decided we were stuck we called F.I.T. security through the elevator phone thing and they said they’d get to us ASAP.”

“Then it started to get REALLY hot … And I know, laugh it up, every guy’s dream come true. Where else would you rather be than stuck in a hot elevator with a bunch of cheerleaders? But I’m sure any straight male that had been in that situation with us would’ve realized pretty fast it wasn’t anything even remotely sexy. So, here we are taking pictures of each other while F.I.T. security is tinkering with the door to try and get us out. We couldn’t be sure what floor we were on, or if we were stuck between floors … 30 minutes later, we hear someone saying, “fire department,” and, of course, we were thrilled!”

“Some of the girls took video as they opened the doors just to try and capture the look on the firefighter’s faces when they saw 19 cheerleaders stuck in between floors one and two. The firefighters were great and got us out as quick as they could, but, of course, cracked a few jokes on us on the way out … It was pretty easy to get out, being cheerleaders, we just lifted people up and out, it was probably the quickest elevator evacuation the firefighters ever had.”

Verily, the Fire Department Gods smiled on the cheer-babes for their professionalism. However after reading the first hand account I have determined that had they all died, the world would have lost about 850 IQ points in total.

One girl called it a cheer-tastrophe, and another girl thought the firefighters did their job cheer-riffically.

Riveting…really….it should be noted that two of the cheerleaders were dudes…which of course means they were most likely in heaven or gay. And since they are going to F.I.T…you can use the term dudes very loosely. This sad thing is this isn’t the first time this as happened before.

I believe there should a national cramming the elevator with cheerleaders competition. After all it wouldn’t be the most retarded thing ESPN as shown on their airwaves.

Further proof that white men can’t dunk (or at least stick the landing)

As a white person I feel I have every right to ask this of fellow white people: Please for the love of God, stop trying to dunk. You’re really embarrassing me.

Wyoming’s Adam Waddell had a nice breakaway in the CBI tournament, but then he single handedly set back the white basketball players can dunk movement 10 years. Then again this can only improve the CBI’s already sterling reputation in the college basketball world. I think CBI must stand for College Bonehead Invitational, am I right folks?

Rep the Mountain West, baby. Rep it ’till the death.

I’m sure this kid will be just fine. He’ll make a good living hustling the players on inner-city basketball courts and getting his annoying girlfriend a shot on Jeopardy.