Darren Daulton is baseball’s Keith Richards

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Darren Daulton isn’t exactly a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and yes it’s possible he for took in some illegal drug taking during his fourteen years as a professional baseball player. However Daulton wants to set the record straight and let everyone know-he was absolutely high the majority of his year in the majors. 

Daulton appeared on the radio with Philly sports talk host Mike Missanelli, where the two discussed his current charity work, Schilling’s blogging expertise and the mess that Lenny Dykstra is in. The conversation naturally turned towards steroids which turned into drugs in general and that’s when Daulton let us know that he is baseball’s equivalent to Keith Richards. 

If I told you all the drugs that I’ve taken, Mike, you would open that up as a can of worms (laughing). I don’t feel that you or anyone else needs to know anything that I’ve ever done to respect me. No disrespect, that’s just the way I am. I feel if I told you all the drugs I’ve ever taken that would reflect on someone else. I can assure you, there’s probably no one in any sport that has taken more drugs that I have. And I think people still respect me. It’s not what goes in, it’s what comes out. 

Apparently Daulton is still doing these drugs of which he speaks if he thinks people still respect him. 

Actually, a funny part of the interview is when a fan calls in asking how the Phillies—2.5 games up on the rest of the NL East—can “turn it around.” Ah, the genius of sports radio. 

The photo is Daulton minus the mullet he wore for years proving that Rogaine is the one drug he will not take.                                       

Darren Daulton: “I Can Assure You There’s Probably No One In Any Sport That Has Taken More Drugs Than I Have.”[Sports Radio Interviews]

The latest from Ozzie Guillen signifies that baseball season has indeed started

Everyone who is anyone knows that baseball season isn’t really baseball season until White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen says something controversial. Welcome to baseball season boys and girls!!! 

I personally love Ozzie no matter what team he is coaching and I also personally hate the Cubs. So when Ozzie says something that is downtrodden about the Cubs my day get just a little bit better. 

The White Sox/Cubs series this past weekend was ready for craziness since this might be baseball’s most dysfunctional rivalry. Whenever Lou Pinella wasn’t screaming like a banshee at his own players he was taking some shots at people in the Chicago south side area. He pointed out the fact that there is a significant jump in attendance at U.S. Cellular Field when the Cubs take the bus downtown. 20,000 fans more showed up this past weekend than previous weekend when the Dodgers were visiting the White Sox. Luckily for us Ozzie was there and ready to go toe-to-toe with Pinnella and his barbs: 

“Because our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans,” Guillen said. “They know we’re [expletive].” 

Guillen said Cubs fans will watch any game at Wrigley Field because “Wrigley Field is just a bar.” 

I disagree, bars have nicer bathrooms. 

Gee…people say Ozzie is crazy however in this case he’s pretty much spot on. As a bonus you get to figure out what the expletive word is. 

I’ll take what is “badass motherfuckers,” for $500 Alex.

Happy Birthday to me! Now can anyone shut Roger Clemens up?

Well today is my birthday and I have found something else to add to my b-day wish list of one redhead with super model qualities, after hearing that farce of an interview with Roger Clemens yesterday on the Mike and Mike show I also want a copy of “American Icon.” 

The authors of this book should send Clemens a fruit basket of something because of his poor performance during this interview sales of the of the book probably went up by 10%. Hell no one knew it was even coming out until this interview. 

This interview was predictably a PR move orchestrated by Team Clemens. The 20 minute interview with Clemen’s newest “crisis manager” Gene Grabowski that occurred before the Rocket came on the air more than proved that. Greenberg and Golic asked Grabowski, given all the evidence against Clemens, how he knows he’s telling the truth? 

“I looked him in the eye,” the Crisis Manager said. 

OK that’s it for me I believe him even though I’m sure he was paid six figures to say that. 

On McNamee: He “never injected me with HGH or steroids.” Why? “Common sense — “my family has a history of heart conditions.” Clemens notes that both his brother and stepdad had heart attacks and it would be “suicidal” for him to take any of these drugs. He also finds these allegations “dishearting” (sic). 

Yes we all know how medical conditions can jump from a step parent to step children. I think I learned that by watching “House” *Sarcasm* If heart attacks are contagious, then quickly, everyone flee Texas! 

On Andy Pettitte admitting that he was injected by McNamee and that he had a conversation with Clemens about HGH: Clemens reiterates: “Andy misremembers.” 

On Manny: Surprised because, as Roger’s stated before MLB has great testing: “We have great testing.” Did you know Roger Clemens passed all of his tests? No? You didn’t. WELL HE DID. Move on please. What? You say Manny passed all his tests as well? But did Manny ask the testing people come to his house and they went to his personal gym so he could show his son how “evasive”(sic) it was? Well Roger did “I think the program works!” 

On A-Rod: “I hope none of the things he took do damage to his body and ruin his career.” 

“How do you defend against the negative?”: Lie! “Steroids are bad for these kids — but again, I can’t defend the negative, when you’ve got somebody out there who’s just crawling up your back to make a buck…” Mentions his charities, golfing, foundations, charities, fundraising, his foundations, charities, banquets, and all of the good he’s done for people since 1991, and “I know how tough it is raising money for charity these days…” and HOW COULD I TAKE STEROIDS WHEN I’M DOING ALL OF THIS FUCKING CHARITY WORK? I HAVE NO TIME FOR NEEDLES! (I’m paraphrasing there, by the way.)

Judging from the scientific poll that ESPN performed this interview did nothing to help Camp Rocket’s cause and is also proved that there really must be nothing to do in Maine and South Carolina. 

Expect to see that next week, ESPN will show nothing but the interview, ESPN2 will feature the interview in Spanish, ESPNU will have the interview with MST3K-style commentary and ESPNews will scroll the interview text over a blank background while playing Weather Channel music. 

A transcript of the interview can be found here.

The Japanese honor Dice-K with heated toilets

When the Boston Red Sox acquired Dice-K from the Seibu Lions they paid $51.1 million. If you’re wondering how they spent the money, well that’s simple: new toilet seats for everyone. 

Dice-K is still considered a God among the fans of the Lions. When he was a Lion the home field, Seibu Dome, was a bad shape. However since the team received such a large windfall of cash from the Red Sox they have turned a stadium that was falling apart into a new bright and shiny home field that is now tops in the Japanese league. They have installed the county’s largest video scoreboard, new turf for the field, upgraded the player’s lounges, new outfield fence, more seats and they gave gloves and uniforms to children. Just like the Shanghai Lions of the Chinese league, except the children make the uniforms and gloves for free. 

But the crème de la crème of the windfall is state-of-the-art restrooms, which are more spacious with floor to ceiling doors and heats toilet seats. 

“In Japanese custom, it is very important, the toilets,” Takahashi said during a recent tour of the stadium, which opened in 1979. “If you are comfortable in the toilets, then everything is comfortable.” 

Whereas the old facilities were dingy concrete latrines, state-of-the-art urinals line the men’s rooms along with high-tech hand dryers built into the bright blue and white tile – the team colors. But the main attractions are the new toilets with TotTo’s Warmlet seats in stalls with floor-to-ceiling doors. 

Each stall in the women’s bathrooms holds a Toto Washlet, a toilet and bidet in one unit. These $1,500 fixtures provide a luxurious experience for fans, who may spend their time in the restrooms contemplating the full extent of Matsuzaka’s legacy with the Lions.” 

The team says these high tech toilets are a tribute to Dice-K. To make Kenshin Kawakami feel at home the Braves turned a utility closet into a bukkake room. 

I, for one, cannot wait for college football season, and resuming the ongoing mockery of Lee Corso.

The Yankees slash ticket prices…but they still suck

In case you’ve been living under Andre Smith’s belly fat for the past six months then you know that the Yankees have a new glorious stadium. It’s new and shiny and a lot of homeruns have already been launched out of it, just not by Yankee players. Oh and another plus side of this new stadium is it doesn’t smell like piss and vomit…yet. 

One draw back to this new stadium is for reason they can never sell it out. Sure in one game they have more people in attendance there than what MLS can draw for an entire season but that’s not saying too much. 

Another disturbing thing about the new Yankees Stadium is they no longer sell Eveready batteries at the concession stands, only the fancy Energizer Ultimate Lithium ones. Those are way to expensive to throw at opposing players. 

So what do you when you’re located in a city that is over flowing with millionaires that love to flaunt their riches but yet can seem to sell the ever so TV friendly seats so they remain an embarrassment? Simple you slash the prices from highway robbery to dark alley mugging. The tickets have gone from $2500-a-game to the infomercial price of $1,250! Oh God what a bargain… 

The full-season Legends Suite and ticket licenses priced at $2,500 per regular-season game in sections 15A-B, 24B and 25 will be reduced to $1,250 per game. Those who have already purchased those seats will receive their choice of a refund or credit. The full-season $1,000 seats will drop to $650 per game with a similar policy. 

Those who have purchased full-season $2,500 seats in sections 16-24A, Legends Suite seats for $1,250, $850, $600 and $500 will receive a specified number of complimentary seats. The same goes for future purchases of such seats. 

The Delta Sky 360 suites in Sections 218A-222 will be reduced from $750 to $550 per game, with refunds/credits for those who already purchased. 

In order to encourage people to buy the $325 tickets in sections 115-125, fans will receive a specific number of complimentary tickets along with their purchases. 

This move has angered Keith Olbermann. 

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann, who owns three $850 Legends Suite season tickets, was unhappy prices were cut only for those with front-row seats while others will be given additional tickets.

Wow…he’s complaining about extra free tickets. That makes me hate him even more than before. Perhaps Mr. Olbermann can use the extra ticket to bring his ego to some games? 

Empty seats that are in the line of the TV cameras…Welcome to Atlanta, Yankees! 

In a related story, Jeter’s herpes have being downgraded from ‘flesh eating and horrific’ to ‘irritated and swollen.’

The question is: Will Prince approve of this new mouth guard?

The next time you’re watching the Arizona Diamondbacks take a close look at Eric Byrnes while he’s in the batter’s box. You will notice that his mouth guard is well…purple. 

Bow down to the Purple Power mouth guard you peons! It was developed by a dentist in Nova Scotia. Can we really trust a foreign dentist even if it is Canada we’re talking about? This new mouth guard is also being embraced by Dustin Pedroia, Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard, among others. 

From the Arizona Republic: 

“I originally started wearing it because our trainers thought it could possibly help my hamstring,” the Diamondbacks outfielder said. 

Umm…I like many others who play touch football on icy soccer fields in the wintertime have pulled a hamstring and let me tell you it had nothing to do with a mouth guard. Can someone from the Diamondback management send Byrnes to an anatomy class at a local technical college? 

But the inventor of the mouth guard and mad scientist, Anil Makkar, states it’s true: 

“The jaw joint is actually the focus of power in the body because that is the most used joint in the whole body,” Makkar said. “So what we’re basically doing is trying to find the most comfortable position of that lower jaw. … It relaxes all the muscles in the face and allows you (to) use more of your upper and lower body strength.” 

I believe the testimonial by the Diamondbacks’ Mark Reynolds says it all: 

“It’s supposed to line your jaw up and help you breathe and a bunch of shit,” the third baseman said. 

You going to try it out? 

“No.” 

This will never catch on until Barney officially endorses it or until someone figures out how to put an advertisement or camera on it. Next thing you know players will be wearing oxygenated, energy necklaces or whatever the fuck those things are. 

For the record A-Rod’s been doing the homeopathic version of this for years. He just substitutes cock for a mouth guard.

Yankees vs. Major League Soccer

The New York Yankees. One of sports money franchises. Someone once told me the Steinbrenner family has one of those money bins like Scrooge McDuck, where the family swims in gold doubloons from the $20 cups of beer. They have built a billion dollar palace to play in, and my friend John has told me that the stadium is the nicest stadium he has ever been in, no matter the sport. He should know, because he has covered the past 3 Olympic games and has been to events I could ever dream of going. The stadium has been a virtual launching pad for home runs and the fans are certainly entertained by the barrage of offense. At least, the ones that can afford the expensive seats.

Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer, took notice of the empty seats. He noted, in the context of a down economy, that the Yankees were having trouble filling those $2K per game seats. Of course, one would read that commissioner of MLS is willing to go down a path of futility when discussing someone’s lack of attendance. Even Donna Orender, president of the WNBA, dare not travel down this road.

Enter Randy Levine. Levine is the president of the New York Yankees. He also took notice of the coments that Garber said. Here is his response:

“Don Garber discussing Yankee attendance must be a joke,” Levine said Friday. “We draw more people in a year than his entire league does in a year. If he ever gets Major League Soccer into the same time zone as the Yankees, we might take him seriously.
“Hey Don, worry about Beckham, not the Yankees. Even he wants out of your league.”

Game. Set. Match. Levine. I am not a Yankees fan, but Levine just ripped this guy a new one. For starters, the Yankees do draw more people in a year than his entire league. They definitely have more revenue generated. I mean, I haven’t seen Kansas City Wiz caskets or Columbus Crew Tiffany style lamps. Also, Beckham is trying to take his MLS cash and play overseas. I still don’t even know how MLS is still even in existence.

Levine has been a controversial figure for the Yankees. He has been painted as the guy to blame for Joe Torre no longer being the manager of the team, he has been known as a tough negotiator within baseball, and has managed to amass great power throughout the organization. I think he was channeling his inner Steinbrenner. Of course, he should have tapped into his inner Theo Epstein and gotten the team some ground ball pitchers, or pitchers that can at least throw consistent strikes.

Let the hate begin. It’s time for the Red Sox and Yankees to renew their rivalry for 2009

This weekend is one of the better sports weekends especially if you’re a Red Sox fan. That’s right Sox and Yankees renew their hate-fest. We all know the Yankees blow, my God they can’t even sell out that brand new stadium of theirs. 

David Ortiz has already issued a warning to Joba “The DUI Drunken Hutt” Chamberlain about throwing at the heads of Red Sox players. See in 2007 Chamberlain threw behind Youkilis’ head twice in one game. Then last July this occurred. 

Ortiz talked to reporters on Wednesday between games of a doubleheader with the Twins. 

“None of that, man – just play the game the way it’s supposed to be, and that’s about it,” Ortiz said, referring to Chamberlain. “This is a guy, as good as he is, the next step for him will be to earn respect from everybody in the league. He’s not a bad guy, but when things like that happen, people get the wrong idea.” 

Basically he is saying “Oh and please don’t pitch drunk.” 

Then again this is just another example of the Dominican Republic going out of its way to police other countries. See? And you thought I couldn’t pick on teams or players I like. 

The photo is a screen shot of CNBC’s Closing Bell during the Consumer Electronics Show of 2008. Don’t these guys know they don’t have to make degrading personal appearances until they’ve retired and shitted all their money away? 

Joba just can’t get away from the prison stripes look. Guess he’s preparing for his future 10-year stint when he pulls a Stallworth.

Don’t write on my Citi wall!

I guess people get so caught up with the Yankees having a new stadium that we seem to forget that the Mets have a new stadium as well and it’s called Citi Field. The Mets are such a quaint failboat of a team. Did you know that your best friend’s mom runs Citi Field? It’s true. Ask former Mets star and CY Young winner/coke head Doc Gooden. 

An employee at one of the restaurants in the new Citi Field asked Gooden to sign his name on a blank spot of one the walls last week. Well the Citi Field mom was not pleased and thought about taking TV privileges away from Gooden but instead just informed him that his signature will be erased. Doc wasn’t at all happy. Mike Piazza got in trouble at Shea for doing a similar thing to the inside of a bathroom stall but they didn’t bother mentioning anything about him cutting out a “glory hole”, that was cool with them. 

“One of the guys that worked there asked me to sign one of the walls, so I did it. It wasn’t like I was walking around with a sharpie in my pocket,” Gooden told the Daily News on Monday. “They asked me to sign the wall as a favor, as something for the fans to see. I was in there watching batting practice and they had fans taking pictures with me by my signature and I thought it was a fun idea.” 

Said the Mets: 

“It’s a brand new building, whether it’s Doc or any other player, it wasn’t meant to write all over the walls,” public relations director Jay Horwitz said. “We are going to do things to celebrate our history, but this wasn’t the right way to get that started. If we allow this precedent, people will be writing all over the stadium.” 

And please try to pee in the toilet. This isn’t Shea Stadium you know! 

The place is already vandalized with its name. I hardly think Doc Gooden signing the wall of a restaurant is a big deal in that context. I think someone needs to tell Horwitz that he is in New York city where graffiti will overrun the new Citi Field in about three months regardless of what they do. 

Update!!!! 

It seems that Horwitz and other Mets officials have seen the light and will allow Gooden’s signature to stay where it is after a backlash of fans. Plus an unshaven, malnourished Daryl Strawberry was seen writing on the outside wall of Citi Field. 

Monday night, however, PR honcho Jay Horwitz said the wall will be removed from the club, preserved behind Plexiglass and moved to an undisclosed area at Citi Field that is more accessible to all fans. He added that the Mets plan to procure similar autographs from other popular ex-Mets such as Tom Seaver, Darryl Strawberry, Mike Piazza and Mookie Wilson and display them around the concourse.

“We’ve listened to our fans on this,” Horwitz said. “The last thing we want is for them or Doc to be upset. We just didn’t want everyone to think it was OK to start writing on walls all over the stadium.”

Hooray! Now Doc can go back to fighting the police and doing cocaine.

Random Musings: Baseball Edition

Go Red Sox!

Yes…baseball has officially begun, and what a great start to the season with Boston winning their first game and Yankees losing theirs. 

Here a brief collection of not so famous baseball stories that have occurred lately. 

Whoever handles the marketing responsibilities for Giants Apparently does not think things through and they should leave all ball related play on words to someone who is a trained professional. 

Their new slogan “Let’s Play with Balls of Fire” is also the pickup line that Jerry Lee Lewis used on his 13-year-old cousin. They’re already in San Francisco, so there’s no need to attract the gay demographic. It’s there for the taking. 

The E! True Hollywood Story: Beetlejuice

Remember when Joba Chamberlain spent a night in mid-October drinking at a strip club and was stopped by Lincoln police? Well good news everyone the video of his arrest is now available. 

This video footage of the Yankee right-hander’s arrest in Nebraska shows a drunken and Chamberlain stumbling to his left after the state trooper removes an open bottle of alcohol from his car. 

The video also catches Joba, who at the time was newly acquired by the Yankees, bashing New Yorkers and leveling Yankee great, Yogi Berra, with a cheap shot. (Hahahaha) 

“No bullshit, he might not be as tall as the front of your car,” Chamberlain told the Nebraska state trooper who found an open bottle of Crown Royal sitting inside the hurler’s BMW.” 

Forget about failing a sobriety test; he failed a fashion test. He’s dressed like a mime. 

Don’t ever, under any circumstances, talk bad about Hillsdale College (Mich.) baseball team’s lousy record. That’s what one editor of the school news paper did only to have his home besieged with dead animals. Including a goat that shot gunned. Who shotguns a goat? You slit its throat voodoo fashion. 

Beneath the carcasses a copy of a recent Hillsdale Collegian editorial was found. The editorial called out the baseball team for its 8-14 record (1-9 in the Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference). 

Here’s an excerpt from the editorial: 

“In the recent past Hillsdale managed to can its women’s cheer team, the soccer team, men’s swimming and men’s golf. God knows what they did wrong. Even more disturbing, the rugby team (4-3) struggles to become a recognized club (despite field success) as the dean of men pushes to bring a Nerf-war club into fruition. What? 

Maybe you’re next? 

Oh, and lose the swagger. 

Most of you walk around campus with this chip-on-my-shoulder, badass tempo. How is this possible? It’s not enough for you to simply lumber around like the other disappointing athletes? Lose the stride boys.” 

Harsh words indeed however when someone uses harsh word like this it helps to stand by them. Of course after someone’s house was pelted by dead animals the newspaper was quick to apologize: 

“This past week’s staff editorial about the baseball team was a mistake, and we can’t stand by that expressed opinion. Maybe the right sentiment was there in the beginning, but what we published was poorly written, reported and edited. We now realize there are conditions the baseball team faces, for example a financial disadvantage other teams may not worry about. We kicked a guy when he was down; published an opinion rooted in gossip rather than reported fact. 

Especially, we never should have attacked the character of the baseball team or the coaching staff. We understand you do your best to represent the college well. You are supported by the editorial board as one of our Charger teams and we hope you snag a win this weekend.” 

Way to stick by your guns guys. As for the team itself, lighten up on the carcasses.