Darren Daulton is baseball’s Keith Richards

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Darren Daulton isn’t exactly a saint by any stretch of the imagination, and yes it’s possible he for took in some illegal drug taking during his fourteen years as a professional baseball player. However Daulton wants to set the record straight and let everyone know-he was absolutely high the majority of his year in the majors. 

Daulton appeared on the radio with Philly sports talk host Mike Missanelli, where the two discussed his current charity work, Schilling’s blogging expertise and the mess that Lenny Dykstra is in. The conversation naturally turned towards steroids which turned into drugs in general and that’s when Daulton let us know that he is baseball’s equivalent to Keith Richards. 

If I told you all the drugs that I’ve taken, Mike, you would open that up as a can of worms (laughing). I don’t feel that you or anyone else needs to know anything that I’ve ever done to respect me. No disrespect, that’s just the way I am. I feel if I told you all the drugs I’ve ever taken that would reflect on someone else. I can assure you, there’s probably no one in any sport that has taken more drugs that I have. And I think people still respect me. It’s not what goes in, it’s what comes out. 

Apparently Daulton is still doing these drugs of which he speaks if he thinks people still respect him. 

Actually, a funny part of the interview is when a fan calls in asking how the Phillies—2.5 games up on the rest of the NL East—can “turn it around.” Ah, the genius of sports radio. 

The photo is Daulton minus the mullet he wore for years proving that Rogaine is the one drug he will not take.                                       

Darren Daulton: “I Can Assure You There’s Probably No One In Any Sport That Has Taken More Drugs Than I Have.”[Sports Radio Interviews]

Fourteen gold medals, banging a USC coed and smoking pot, just one day in the life of Michael Phelps

My question is was he smoking Mellow Gold or Spanish Trampoline?

Usually when I write about the University of South Carolina and smoking pot in involves the school’s football players. I have more than once referred to USC as the University of Smoking Cannabis. This time is different. This time I’m not writing about some Shamecock football player, I’m writing about 14 gold medal Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.

It seems this past November Phelps was in this fair town of Columbia where he attended a football game and apparently got high Even though I’m opposed to illegal drugs and take pleasure in making fun of those who use them this really isn’t as a big of a deal as the traditional media outlets are making it out to be. If you had gigantism of the ears and neck, you’d smoke too. However sometime ago The US Olympics Committee, who have pledged to clamp down on drug use, did announce some laws that could force Phelps to sit out the 2012 games in London because he took drugs.

News of the World, a British newspaper was the first to break this story.

One party-goer who witnessed the star’s behaviour told the News of the World: “He was out of control from the moment he got there.

“If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again.”

Phelps’ aides went into a panic over our story and offered us a raft of extraordinary incentives not to run the bong picture.

Phelps apparently has been banging some USC chick named Jordan Matthews and decided to get wasted every night he was here in town. The source of the story states Phelps was rather obnoxious. With ears like his how can anyone be obnoxious?

“Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

Our source said: “You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do.

Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to smoke dope does it? The source also states Phelps spent a lot of time at Pavlov’s bar. In my humble opinion I think that place is a freaking dump. This isn’t the first time Phelps has been in trouble either. In 2004 he served an 18 month long probation for a DUI.

Since this story has broken Phelps has acknowledge that the photo is real and is sorry.

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said in the statement released by one of his agents. “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Now we know how he consumed 12,000 calories a day. He’d eat cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Some Hagen-Daz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and he would make some smores. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, two big pizzas, man, everything on ’em, water, a whole lotta water and…….Funyuns.

It’s always interesting how celebrities show remarkable self-awareness about their mistakes after they get caught … and usually when millions of dollars in endorsements are on the line.

The U.S. Olympic Committee said it was “disappointed in the behavior recently exhibited by Michael Phelps,” who was selected the group’s sportsman of the year. He also was honored as AP male athlete of the year, and his feat in Beijing — breaking Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for most gold medals in an Olympics — was chosen as the top story of 2008.

Have you ever orchestrated a ten game turn-around…ON WEED?

Ricky Williams didn’t like my Christmas gift I got for him this year. That bastard! You know I decided to get Ricky a gift this year because he has been an outstanding player this year and to help celebrate the Fins incredible turn around, only to have it returned to me with a note saying “Not funny dude.”

Maybe this will help Trent Green forget all about those concussions.

What if, like, the dolphin’s helmet had another dolphin wearing a helmet…and that dolphin’s helmet had a dolphin wearing a helmet…and so on, and so on. Man, I feel so insignificant.

It’s funny, I don’t remember using that bong and yet I have visions of hearing “Chad Pennington” and “NFL MVP” in the same sentence, and not as a joke.

Ryan Leaf is still the all American great guy (For a loser)

A few months ago Portfolio.com ran an article about NFL flunky Ryan Leaf. It detailed the success he was having as a football assistant coach and golf coach at West Texas A&M not to mention he was still a millionaire from all the endorsements he receive while sucking in the NFL.

Today West Texas A&M announced that Leaf has resigned and had been on a leave of absence for “personal” reasons.

Of course it doesn’t end there. The local police have stated that they are in the early stages of an investigating that Leaf obtained a controlled substance by fraudulent means.

It seems Leaf had asked a player for a pill to help him deal with pain in his wrist dating to his NFL playing days. Honestly the player should have known it was BS when he said “NFL playing days”.

Why doesn’t he just use his left hand to masturbate for awhile? The wrist pain should go away on its own.

Getting addicted to pain-killers isn’t going to make you into Brett F*v*e, Mr. Leaf.

Ryan Leaf Land is a lot like Lunch Lady Land only with a lot more psychotic outbursts.

On that note, I’d like to report that my local 2A high school assistant JV linebacker coach has resigned. He was on a 5 week leave of absence after his pet pug was ran over by a garbage truck. He did not want his grief to affect the focus of his players.

College Football Week 10 is in the books & here’s what I learned

Thank God there’s more chaos in the polls this week and here is a newsflash: Tennessee sucks really sucks. I’ll have a complete write up on their game tomorrow after I review the tape today.

Rich “Dirty Sanchez” Rodriguez will be home this holiday season because for the first time in 33 years the Michigan Wolverines will not be bowling. The last time that happened it was 1975.

Look for West Virginia to be ranked later today.

Central Michigan gets an upset victory over Indiana. Don’t worry Hoosier fans you have basketball season to look forward to. Oh wait no you don’t.

I feel your pain fan Wisconsin fans.

Minnesota gets upset by that smart Big 11 10 team known as Northwestern.

Miami is a dangerous team to play just ask Virginia.

Houston Nutt continues to impress as Ole Miss defeated Auburn.

Kansas opened a can of whip ass on K-State.

Arkansas gets an upset victory over Tulsa.

Way to go Pitt, you’re still relevant.

Miss State you’re not relevant.

Cal gets the upset win verses Oregon.

Georgia Tech continues to win.

Florida took revenge for the last year’s loss again Georgia & set themselves up to make a run.

It was the last game of Texas’s gauntlet but Texas Tech spoiled the party and remains undefeated. Now will Oklahoma be ranked above Texas Tech? That really wouldn’t be fair would it since they just defeated the team that handed Oklahoma their only loss of the season. This is why we need a playoff structure.

Duke was so close but yet so far away yesterday.

North Texas…what a week…12 players fail drug tests and yet they still managed a victory yesterday.

Oh my God Syracuse actually won a game yesterday.

Don’t look now but Oregon State is almost bowl eligible.

Utah continues it’s reign as a BCS buster.

Clemson wins a HUGE win against Boston College.

I’m not done with Wednesday’s update yet quite yet….

This has been an extremely busy week for stories involving NFL players that aren’t necessarily related to the heroism players show each and every Sunday. In fact most of them are very un-hero like. There’s so many that I don’t possibly have the time to write about them all.

So instead of writing boring stories with humorous & snarky quips, I’m just going to write a few lines and link them. After all that’s better nothing right? Yeah…that’s what I thought.

As we know former Tennessee God and Denver running back Travis “I gots 9 Mf’ing 9 kids” Henry’s baby mommas gots to get paid! Now since he is technically unemployed he decided to the next best thing and that is set up a drug deal involving cocaine.

Problem is he was busted. His new teammates Malice and Pusha T are disapointed and are dropping him from the Re Up Gang. Hey Henry remember don’t get Mile High on your own supply.

Terrell Owens still ♥’s his QB but hates “Sheshawn” Johnson.

“Then, Owens turned his attention to Johnson, who he referred to as “Sheshawn” on three separate occasions, the Star-Telegram reported.

(As the No. 1 overall pick in the 1996 draft) he is the ultimate underachiever on that (ESPN) panel. I am the reason he is in the booth,” Owens said. “Everybody is aware when I was brought to Dallas, he was the one they let go to get me here.”

And Sheshawn’s in the booth to replace Michael Irvin. ‘Cause Michael’s a crack head.

When Terrell ever gets fed up with Romo, ooh, what a nickname he has in store. Here’s a hint:

Remember when Steve Smith whipped Ken Lucas’s ass? Well now they are BFF’s forever!

“Smith scored his first touchdown of the season on a 54-yard pass from Jake Delhomme late in the second quarter, then presented the ball to Lucas on the sideline.”

Apparently Plaxico Burress has some issues with being tardy and is paying the price with fines. Sarah Palin’s daughter had that ‘late’ problem too, but mom wouldn’t let her throw money at her problem to take care of it. (Oh no I didn’t)

Eli Manning should hook Plaxico up with one of his Citizen watches.

Some people took the Georgia loss real hard over the weekend. Danny Ware a former Georgia player and current New York Giants running back took it extremely hard by getting drunk and arrested.

Ware and a 24-year-old Dallas woman attracted a police officer’s attention at about 2:25 a.m. Sunday at East Clayton Street near North Jackson Street because they seemed oblivious to traffic that had to steer around them as they stood in the street talking, according to police.

Ware admitted that he’d been drinking, and a breath test showed he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.152 grams, police said.

Lovely he wasn’t even driving he was just trying to get a hook up for later. I wonder if he feels worse about Georgia losing or the fact he’s a drunken pedestrian that was busted while wearing temporary Bulldog tattoos stuck to his face (“cheek flair”) which adds another level of humiliation.

This one is a little old however I meant to write about it. Apparently even though Pacman Jones broke the law several times, players on the Titians still respected him more than they respect Vince Young…you know the “leader” of the team.

“Vince definitely is going to have to win the locker room back. As bad as Pacman was when he left the building or at 3 o’clock in the morning, it never interfered with his football. He loved football. Loved practice. The guys loved him. Players are going to be on your side if you show that you’re going to help them win. Vince has to prove that to this team.”

Further proof that football players care mostly about whether their teammates are helping them win, something Young was not doing.

Not only does he have to worry if Terrell Owens will finally blow his lid but Jerry Jones must pay $25,000 to NFL for flapping his mouth about Ed Hochuli. Terrell Owens just laughs and laughs.

I’ll show love to baseball as well.

Even though he no longer coaches the Dodgers some people in San Francisco harbor ill feelings towards Tommy Lasorda by getting all pissy because he’s the grand marshal in the Italian American parade.

Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier wants organizers of the San Francisco Italian American parade to boot Tommy Lasorda as grand marshal … He’s the former manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, who’ve had “an intense rivalry” with our hometown Giants for years and “nobody embodies that more than Tommy Lasorda,” states the resolution … The Giants aren’t doing so great, it continues, and “Dodger fans are boastful and smug.”

For someone in San Francisco to call another person smug is rather hypocritical. Of course maybe they would prefer Joe Torre instead.

Everyone knows Eddie Vedder recorded a song for the Chicago Cubs right? Not to be left out the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have to have a song as well. However the best they could muster was Kevin Costner and his band “Modern West” penning them a diddy titled “It’s All Up To You.”

The song can be heard here, but be forewarned that one listen may cause cerebral hemorrhaging, blindness & the sudden love of shitty music.

Just in case you want to sing along, though:

“You got to swing for the fence, give a hundred percent,

“Dust yourself off, get up and do it again.

“You’re the only one that can make your dreams come true.

“You’re the only one, it’s all up to you.”

Drugs found in the apartment of Penn State football players, I’m sure Joe Pa will have an aneurysm now

Not so long ago Penn State was the subject of Outside the Lines a television show produced and aired by ESPN. According to the research ESPN conducted since 2002, 46 Penn State football players have faced 163 criminal charges & 27 players have been convicted of or have pleaded guilty to a combined 45 counts.

This caused uproar among Penn State fans and blogs. Several Penn State fan that I know on a personal level stated that ESPN was picking on their football program and that there was a conspiracy to sullen the name of Penn State.

Let’s get one thing straight before we continue. Tennessee has the whole ESPN conspiracy angle locked up, it’s even copy written. Maybe since Tennessee sucks now ESPN has targeted Penn State with the case of yesterday’s discovery of a “small amount” of Mary Jane in the apartment of Penn State football players by planting the weed there.

Police said a small amount of marijuana was found in a Nittany Apartments residence whose most current residents, according to university housing records, are football players AJ Wallace, Andrew Quarless, Maurice Evans and Abe Koroma.

At eight o’clock the Po Po was responding was responding to a noise complaint and smell the sweet sticky icky weed reminding them of fun times they spend at a police seminar that was held at the university of Florida two summers ago.

Knowing that smell way to well the police asked to search the premises but were denied entrance by the players. So the Po Po obtained a warrant and returned at 11:00 PM where the cannabis was promptly found. I’m sure it was in a baggy that said “Property of Stu Scott” on it.

The warrant only listed Nova, Wallace and Quarless as being at the apartment Tuesday night. Neither Evans nor Koroma was listed as being at the apartment Tuesday night, with the warrant only listing them as two of the most current tenants.

Police could not provide details on the exact amount of marijuana found because it had yet to be officially tested because the official Penn State police bong was presently missing.

Penn State quarterback Daryll Clark said he was “shocked” when he found out about the incident.

“I don’t even know what happened,” he said. “All I know is police was out at someone’s apartment. I really don’t know why. … I really don’t know what’s going on right now. I have to look into it to see what’s going on right now.”

They had THREE hours to get rid of the weed and they couldn’t figure it out? Godspeed, Penn State, Godspeed.

It must be hard to make a good plan to get rid of your dope when you are all high and shit. See that’s what weed does to you. You are rendered unable to hide weed.

I can hear the conversation right now.

“What should we do?…do we flush it?”

“Man, I paid $50 for that! Hide it somewhere!”

“Under the couch cushion?”

“Great idea”

In the player’s defense, when Joe Pa told them to stay off the grass, they thought he meant his lawn.

Louisville suspends QB Simms For “Breaking Team Rules” I wonder what those rules could be…

Steve Garcia isn't impressed. Go Cocks! 🙂

Louisville quarterback Matt Simms was suspended for the team’s first four games of the season by Coach Steve Kragthorpe on Tuesday for the dreaded violation of team rules.

Simms is the son of former New York Giants quarterback Phil Simms and the brother of Tampa Bay Buccaneers whiny bitch quarterback Chris Simms.

Matt Simms will be eligible to return to the team when the Cardinals play at Memphis on Oct. 10.

Gee I wonder what those rules were. Maybe he overslept one morning due to spending majority of night in prayer.

Maybe he was late to a practice because he lost track of time while volunteering for the local D.A.R.E program.

It is possible that he was helping lead the on campus AA meeting and forget to break an appointment with his advisor.

Wait, I got it. He was cited for public disturbance because someone complained about him standing on the street corner preaching about the evils of drugs and alcohol.

Yeah the last one seems more plausible when you really think about it.

Arkansas Wide Receiver Marques Wade smokes the ganja but still gets the DUI

Ok here’s the scenario. You’re Marques Wade a wide receiver for the Arkansas Razorbacks. You’ve just been pulled over for speeding through a parking and nearly hitting a fellow pig the Po Po. When the police ask why you have bloodshot eyes and have you been drinking do you:

A.     Lie and say no

B.     Lie but say admit to smoking a fat blunt

C.     Start sending indecent text messages to Houston Nutt

If you said “B” then you’re correct and win a lifetime supply of Petrino-A-Roni. Which knowing Petrino the way we do a lifetime supply is actually something like 2 months.

Now Marques Wade was released from Washington County jail early Sunday morning after posting an $880 bond. His breathalyzer test showed Wade had a blood-alcohol level of 0.11. Arkansas’ legal limit is 0.08. Oh yeah he did tell the Po Po he was not drunk but high instead.

I believe he was the visitor sitting next to me at our last local Mensa meeting. Not sure…..

Why wasn’t he tooling around on a moped like some other Arkansas players? Finally why didn’t he be cool and break out the police car windows? Is that a Vanderbilt thing?

A university spokesman said Petrino was “very upset” & that the matter “will be dealt with.”

Maybe Petrino should make him write “Alcohol isn’t as bad as drugs and I’m stupid” about 1000 times.

Matt Jones was just “Holding” the Drugs…(Yeah…Right…Sure)

On advice from some snot-nosed attorney, Jaguars wide receiver & former Arkansas QB, Matt Jones isn’t squealing like a razorback about being charged with felony possession of cocaine.

However his pappy, Steve Jones, eager to get on TV issued a statement to KNWA-TV in Fayetteville, Ark., stating his coked up dumbass son is denying that the drugs belonged to him that ultimately led to his arrest and thus me mocking him.

“Matt is anxious to make a statement and wants to make a statement,” said the statement issued to the television station. “His attorney has advised him to not say anything until they have had a chance to speak together. They will release a statement at the appropriate time.

“We want to make it clear that Matt was not in possession of any drugs,” the statement continued, “but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt. He does not claim any responsibility for the drugs.”

You tell’em pops! Of course by that logic there must have thousands maybe even millions of people falsely arrested and prosecuted for drug possession.

But…for some reason the police report seems to tell a different story and really helps to that theory out of the water.

Jones was spotted in the backseat of a Toyota 4Runner when an officer on foot patrol saw him with a “white powdery substance and in his hand, a credit card that he was using to chop up and scrape the powder.”

When asked by the officer if the powder was cocaine, Jones said, “Yes.”

You know that’s an old SEC football player pastime. Getting stopped by the Po Po and admitting that the drugs that were found were yours and then deny it in the media. South Carolina players do it all the time.

What would have made this story perfect is if the police officer embellished the report a little by saying “then Jones took a big snort of said power and uttered ‘My God I can’t feel my face.'”