Let’s not forget about the other scandal Memphis faces

Ok now that we know about Derrick Rose supposedly having someone else take his SAT test for him let’s focus on the other part of the University of Memphis scandal, namely the women’s golf team.

Did any non-Memphis fans even know the school had a female golf team? Did any Memphis fans even care? And how many of you have read the book Best Friends?

In the litany of violations that the NCAA sent to the University of Memphis president, there are several that were supposedly commented by former golf coach Jenny Bruun. She is accused of providing “multiple extra benefits valued at approximately $3,115.70 to women’s golf student-athletes,” as well as “impermissible recruiting inducements valued at approximately $70,” that’s just lovely.

Here are some examples:

• “In December [redacted], Bruun provided [redacted] a Christmas gift that included a sweater, Starbucks coffee mugs and a Starbucks gift card. The sweater had an approximate value of $75, the mugs had an approximate value of $30 and the gift card had a value of $25.”

• “In December [redacted], Bruun provided a Christmas gift to [redacted] that included a season series of the television show ‘The West Wing’ on DVD and a wooden tea box and tea bag set. The gifts had an approximate value of $75.”

• “In December [redacted], Bruun provided [redacted] a Christmas gift that included a belt, a book entitled ‘Best Friends,’ a book entitled ‘A Wedding in December’ and a wall hanging. The gifts had an approximate value of $56.96.”

• “Between April and August [redacted] and before [redacted] initially enrolled at the institution, Bruun provided [redacted] a good luck gift, flowers, the movie ‘Miracle’ on DVD and a picture of a bible verse. The gifts had an approximate value of $70.”

A tea bag set? No. No, I can’t. It’s too easy and oh, the West Wing. I can practically taste the sanctimony. Assorted gifts from a women’s golf coach and no wrap around Oakleys? Shocking, just shocking.

Wow, the NCAA can track down the cost of a sweater but yet they fail to do anything about the Reggie Bush situation at Southern Cal. And they also fail to tell us which Bible verse was on the picture. Also can the Bible verse be considered a violation of separation of church and state?

This all seems vaguely familiar to that scene in “Blue Chips” where Nick Nolte’s character gave Anfernee Hardaway’s character a holiday gift basket from Harry & David.

Also:

“In November [redacted], Bruun permitted [redacted] stay at her residence at no cost for approximately two nights after [redacted] apartment was burglarized. The lodging had an approximate value of $160.”

Ok, that’s just being nit picky there.

If you’re a NCAA female golf coach, and insist on giving gifts to your players, just go with a little cunnilingus. It’s from the heart, always appreciated, and leaves no evidence*.

*Besides cold sores.

NCAA notice of allegations (PDF) Commercial Appeal

Apparently Derrick Rose really is stupid

In less than 24 hours after the news broke about Memphis and “major” recruiting violations, there’s a brand new report that claims Derrick Rose needed a lot of help getting into a finer institute of higher learning.

The Sun-Times is reporting that four students at Simeon High School in Chicago, including Rose, had grades changed on their high school transcripts after graduation. The grade were changed and then mailed to colleges and then changed back once they were mailed. So far no one knows who changed the grades or even why, because it would not have affected the students high school eligibility however it is interesting to note that Rose and two other students affected were apart of Simeon’s back-to-back state championship teams. Amateurs… all I needed was a sharpie to change my F to an A.

Also altered on Rose’s transcript: He likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. He’s not much into Yoga and he has half a brain. Ok I’m paraphrasing on that.

Now I know the very thought of some “one-and-done” player might have needed some help getting into a college is hard to fathom, but trust me it does happen. Since Rose is already in the NBA I suppose we’ll just have to take our anger elsewhere. I vote for booing the kids who misspell words during the televised spelling bee tonight.

By God I would play girls soccer for this man!

There’s two type of people in this world: Winners & Losers. I firmly believe a coach is coach no matter the sport. So if Bruce Pearl would have decided to leave God’s country of Knoxville for bullet hole riddled Memphis I believe I already would have found his replacement. His name is Michael Kinahan, ex-coach of the Scituate, Mass. Green Death.

Kinahan resigned as the coach of the 6- and 7-year-old girls team (not pictured) before the season even started, due to a brilliantly worded e-mail that was sent to the player’s parents as a way for them to get too know him.

Kinahan isn’t some Starbucks sipping, Lexus SUV driving parent with no love and/or knowledge of the game, this man is the fucking reincarnation of General Patton! He doesn’t believe in the modern day way of how things are done with everyone getting a trophy and fruit-rollups during timeouts. I’d play girls soccer for this man in a heartbeat and afterwards he will lead the team as we storm a local Build-A-Bear and burn it to the ground! OOH-RAH Bitches!!!

This portion of the letter which addresses the sideline behavior of the parents is possibly some of the greatest teachings known to man since the Bible was written:

“It is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.”

OK on a serious note here are other excerpts of the letter please keep in mind this team is comprised of 6- and 7-year-old girls:

“OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me.

I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.

America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

Who’s with me? Go Green Death!”

The parents being the weak minded lemmings that they are did not buy into the coach’s philosophy and instead wined and bitched the coach into resigning.

From Kinahan’s resignation letter:

“Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.”

Just think after the season was over, Coach Kinahan planned on taking the team over to Africa to fight in a guerilla war. On the bright side, he’s now in the lead for the Memphis job.

It’s a shame. Those candy-ass faggots on Team 4 would’ve never known what hit ’em. OOH-RAH!

What a shocker. Calipari tricks everyone and says the grass isn’t greener in Kentucky after all!

In a shocking turn of events it appears that John Calipari is not headed to Kentucky after all. Apparently ESPN who has popularized erroneous reporting in the past strikes again! However Calipari is indeed leaving Memphis but instead of selling his soul to Kentucky he has elected to save his soul by coaching the Nu Delt Society at Bob Jones University.

Bob Jones University (BJU) is a private, Protestant fundamentalist, liberal arts university in Greenville, South Carolina. It is the largest private liberal arts university in South Carolina and has a reputation for being one of the most conservative of religious schools in the United States.

Strict rules govern student life at BJU.  Some of these are based directly on the University’s interpretation of the Bible. For instance, rules include the requirement that freshman and sophomore resident hall students sign out before leaving campus and that all resident hall students abide by curfew. Students are forbidden to go to movie theaters or listen to contemporary popular music.  Men are required to wear ties and conservative hairstyles, and facial hair is prohibited. Women are expected to dress modestly and wear knee-length dresses to class and religious services.

The specifics of the BJU contract is unknown at this time however it’s doubtful that it will match the Kentucky contract that was believed to be the richest in college basketball. Sources close to the situation believe that L.A. Law (1993-94) character Jane Halliday, played by Alexandra Powers, who was a graduate of Bob Jones University was the turning point in Calipari’s decision.

Even though that Bob Jones Jr. once said that Catholicism was:

“Not another Christian denomination. It is a satanic counterfeit, an ecclesiastic tyranny over the souls of men….It is the old harlot of the book of the Revelation-‘the Mother of Harlots.'”

He seems ecstatic to have made this monumental hire.

Despite their perceived differences, Pitino has little doubt Calipari will be a great fit at BJU.

“He’s done a great job at UMass. He’s done a great job at Memphis and he would have done a great job at Kentucky but the Phi Beta society at BJU better watch their watch ass cause he’s bringing the pain to them next season,” Pitino said Tuesday.

This most recent move leaves both Memphis and Kentucky scrambling for coaches. It’s believed that Memphis will make a run at famed NBA player and ex-Knicks coach Isiah Thomas and while Kentucky is believed to be making plans to resurrect the body of Adolph Rupp.

Kentucky AD, Mitch Barnhart was quoted as saying:

“Enough with the tomfoolery! Bring out the Rupp!”

ESPN 100 top recruit Xavier Henry isn’t going to Memphis now that Calipari is going to BJU. He has reopened his recruitment but a source close to him said:

“He might go to BJU. He likes God and shit.”

Either which way let’s hope this works out for everyone in the end. Happy April Fools Day!

Guess Who Is Lining Up For A #1 Seed???

(pic courtesy of Losers With Socks)

Sporting a 26-3 record, the Memphis Tigers are poised for a #1 seed. Realistically, this year’s edition of the Tigers is absent of the club hoppers, woman beaters, and scary thugs NBA type talent at every position when compared to last year’s team, but overall, this has been a better team.

Free throw shooting eventually was one of the things that caught up to them last year. Yes, the pain is still there in the hearts of Tiger fans, but this year, the Tigers are shooting almost 70% compared to 61% last year. The 9% difference overallmay not sound like much, but it is the difference between an NCAA Championship Banner hanging in the rafters of plush FedEx Forum instead of drafty and cramped Phog Allen Fieldhouse in Kansas (not that I am biased or still bitter). They are also allowing opponents 7 fewer points this year compared to last.

However, the Tigers still have one problem that reared its ugly head in the losses to Xavier and Syacuse this year, along with the final 3 minutes of last year’s title game: The lack of in-game coaching strategy of John Calipari. Don’t get me wrong, he is an excellent recruiter and can motivate his teams like no other. He is great for a college program. However, as a pure X’s and O’s coach, he has a tendency to get out coached. The talent that he amasses gets him out of a lot of situations. Either way, they should run through the rest of the Tiger High Invitational C-USA Tournament and land a #1 seed.

Then there is this pimp:

Rick Pitino and Louisville, who until ESPN gave them a blow job put a spotlight on them, were quietly sneaking up on the competition, setting up a potential showdown in the Big East Tournament against Pitt or UConn. They are loaded and are clearly the best basketball team in the state of Kentucky. They do need to win the Big East to get a #1 seed, but with this team, it is very possible. Earl Clark should be a lottery pick and, wouldn’t it be sweet if the Tigers and Cardinals played for the national title???

YMSWWC’s Awesome F**cking Guide to the 2008 Bowl Season! (With pictures this year)

This would have been posted earlier but I kinda sorted screwed up and forgot to send Joel the bowl schedule. Yeah, my bad, I’m a dick. Whatever. Anywho let’s go over this year bowl schedule and mine and Joel’s picks and then you call your bookie.

This year there is a smorgasbord of crap-tastic games to choose from! Yay!

Non-BCS Bowls

EagleBank Bowl
When: Dec. 20, 11 a.m., ESPN
Where: Washington
Who: Navy vs. Wake Forest

Joel says: Anchors aweigh. I really wish Navy would have beat Notre Dame again this year. Wait, this is a real bowl game???

Thomas says: I pick Navy because I’m sick and damn tired of hearing how the Wake Forest is so good. Blah blah blah. Is this bowl game being funded by any of the bailout money by the way?

Joel’s Crappy Weekend

Saturday

-Kid wakes up at 6:30 am, thus killing any dreams of having a lazy Saturday morning. A feeling suddenly comes over me, telling me that today will not be a good day for the home team.

-I almost lose my little girl at the park around 10:30 am. I now feel like a “Father of the Year” candidate. I took my eye off of her for 5.8 seconds to answer my cell phone & she was gone. Luckily, she walked over to the mounted cop’s horse. Instantly, I was relieved and told her not to give the horse candy. We didn’t want to end up like Kenny from Half Baked.

-Watch the Memphis Tigers give the game away to Georgetown in OT. They need a point guard in the worst way.

-Kentucky beat Indiana, thus killing my sweet Billy Clyde/Hoosiers I had thought about. Bastards.

-Got into it with the better half. Guys, always remember that women, although beautiful creatures, are mean and vicious when they choose to be. After arguing, it was couch duty for me. Life sucks.

-I found out Candace Parker married that monkey looking Duke boy, thus killing my dream of me and Candace…wait,I am already doing couch duty. Let me shut up.

Resume Watch Week 2

Two coaches that should probably schedule moving trucks:

Al Groh: I know that Frank Beamer has owned Virginia forever, so he or Va. Tech fans probably don’t want to see him leave. But for all of the NFL talent that has gone through the halls of Virginia, he really hasn’t done much. I am sure Virginia fans will say that he deserves to still be head coach, the fact remains that a beautiful campus and hot but underrated co-eds will not get the players to run a 3 yard out on 3rd & 18. That is a result of coaching.

USC throttled the Cavs. That is understood. I get that, because USC is about to dismantle Slowhio Statein a few days. But when you have to use a QB who is on probation for alcohol possession and he tells his probation officer THAT HE IS STILL DRINKING & SMOKING WEED just days before the game against mighty (1-AA) Richmond, that is not good. However, knowing that the school will let you smoke weed and drink to your hearts content as long as you can suit up for Saturday will be great for recruiting.Up next is a road trip against the powerhouse UConn.

Tommy West: During his tenure at Memphis, West has guided the Tigers from piss poor to somewhat mediocre. Yes, they have played 2 bowl games in the Superdome (New Orleans Bowls, let us not kid ourselves), but when you let Rice score 29 points in the 4th quarter of a game you had in hand, it is time to get a rack of Interstate ribs before you leave town. Maybe West is learning lessons from the John Chavis Mustang Package.

Not only is it time for West to go, but it is really time for Memphis to assess a few things. Mainly, the basketball is making money hand over fist. The football team has more red ink on its P&L’s than a Rambo movie. If Memphis is going to play football, they cannot treat the program like it is just a time killer until basketball season starts. I can’t ever seeing the football program worth a damn. Marquette and Georgetown do not play D-1A football and they are financially successful as an athletic department. My grandmother used to say it is time to either shit or get off of the pot. For years, the Tiger program has been floating. I say the school needs to flush. Next on the Tigers schedule is Marshall.

College Football Week 2 is in the books & here’s what I learned

First off everyone stop for a moment and point and laugh at the Big Least. The years of fooling the college football world with smoke and mirrors and weak scheduling are over.

WVU falls to East Carolina and it was never even close. Somewhere Rich Rodriguez is laughing because he never lost to East Carolina.

How hot is the name “Skip Holtz” right now? I’ve been to various teams message boards since yesterday and a lot teams whose coaches are in the hot seat want him. For example:…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

………………………………………………………………………..

• South Carolina
• Clemson
• Tennessee
• Syracuse
• Arkansas
• Louisville
• Washington
• Pittsburgh
• Notre Dame

Speaking of Syracuse how is it pathetic to lose to Akron. Other Big Least fail boats are Uconn & Pittsburgh. Sure Uconn won yesterday but it took an overtime to beat Temple. Are you kidding me? And Pitt struggled with Buffalo.

The best team in the Big Least is Cincinnati. Sure they lost yesterday but it’s difficult to go to Oklahoma and win.

Oh yeah you can continue pointing and laughing at the ACC. Way to go Maryland.

Ohio State should drop in the polls due to their dismal performance against Ohio.

Miami will be scary good by the middle of this season. And what a rank amateur move it was on Urban Meyer’s part to kick that last field goal. He could have let Miami have the ball on the 10 yard line. That was disgraceful.

Something else that is disgraceful is the PAC 10 refs. What an idiotic call yesterday involving Washington and BYU.

Arkansas better step it up or they will not win a conference game all year.

Notre Dame Football still sucks. If San Diego St. didn’t make some stupid mistakes they would have won that game.

Under the raider teams

• Nebraska
• Mississippi (I always knew Coach 0 could recruit now they have a coach.)
• Clemson they will bounce back
• Air Force
• F$U
• Cal
• Georgia Tech
• Iowa
• Purdue
• Oklahoma State
• Vandy
• TCU
• Kansas St.
• Arizona
• Indiana

Teams that impressed

• East Carolina
• Wisconsin
• Georgia
• Oregon
• Kentucky
• Cal
• Miami in a loss that game was closer than what the score dictates
• Texas
• Oklahoma
• Missouri
• TCU

Teams that failed to impress

• Ohio State
• Michigan
• Illinois
• Auburn
• Texas A&M
• Arkansas
• Alabama
• Kansas
• South Florida
• Utah
• Texas Tech.
• Texas

Schools that might be looking a new coach next year

• Arkansas
• Syracuse (that guy is a goner)
• Pitt (him to)
• Texas A&M
• Tennessee (I had to)
• Michigan
• Washington
• Colorado
• Notre Dame
• Virginia
• Maryland
• Memphis
• Louisville

Even the water girls of Ole Miss are hotties much like their cheerleaders.

The Miami cheerleaders are hot in a soft-core porn sort of way

Georgia’s cheerleaders are so-so

East Carolina & Memphis Want to Help the Big East Suck Even More

The University of Memphis officials have been in serious talks with the Big East about joining the conference which would make the Big East the absolute weakest conference in the history of college football. (No offense Memphis fans)

Obviously this would move would benefit the Tiger Football program more than any other. What would it mean though for Memphis basketball? John Calipari has proven that he can prosper as the Big Fish in a small pond (3 straight 30 plus win seasons), would he enjoy knocking heads in the rugged and basketball tradition rich Big East Conference?

I think he would.

However as for as football is concerned the Big Least already has a plethora of bad teams and I’m not sure if this would help matters, but I’ll play devils advocate.

Memphis could be extremely tough in football if they would ever get a legitimate conference. Right now they are being raided by Alabama, Auburn, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, Arkansas, Vanderbilt, Tennessee, and Kentucky. That could change if Memphis was in the Big East. In addition, the other Big East teams would love to infiltrate the rich football recruits of the South.

Then again I think I made myself look retarded with that statement because the SEC rules damn it!

There’s also another school that wants to help the Big East suck even more at football and that is East Carolina.

ECU is believed to be open to guaranteeing the purchase of 2,500 tickets to Big East away games.

Think about that. At $40 a pop, that’s another $100,000 for the home school in gate money. Notre Dame is the only school in the nation that would even attempt a guarantee like that.

And here is East Carolina, ready to go with that plus a whole lot more, all on a trial basis.

ECU insiders and supporters are convinced that it is not afraid to take risks.

Then again playing football in the Big Least isn’t exactly a risk.