Broken Plays: The TGIF Edition

I know it’s been awhile since I ran a Broken Plays segment. So sue me.

MoonDogSports.com is reporting about how Charles Barkley will star in a golf-themed reality show. This of course cause me to wonder if Barkley will be the first person to bet on the fact that he will get a DUI on a golf cart.

The boys over at the Third Saturday in Blogtober have a new look and an excellent write-up about how the Atlanta Journal Constitution has become something a lot less than journalism.

Ashton Kutcher will try to ruin the game of football by playing a “superstar NFL QB” who trades bodies with some 12 year-old geek. Initial reports have Eli Manning cast as the 12 year old geek. In my opinion Faces of Death had more laughs in it than this pile of shit will ever get.

The Washington Nationals’ prized recruit has been caught lying about his name & age. This falsifying of the birth certificates of Latin-born players is just destroying the credibility of baseball.

Did Dr. Phil just shave his mustache on the left?

Is Baseball worse than pro-wrestling? It is if you believe Jesse “The Body” Ventura and he actually brings up some good points.

“My question is: They’ve now determined 104 baseball players failed their steroid test in 2003 – 104! They indicted Vince McMahon, why aren’t they indicting Bud Selig?”

Yahoo!’s Dan Wetzel agrees with Jesse and even further states that Major League Baseball under Bud Selig might even be steroid friendly than the days of Hulk-a-Mania.

“McMahon, who beat the conspiracy to distribute steroids charges in 1994, actually ran an honest operation compared to Selig. While Hulk Hogan may have claimed he was just “eating his vitamins,” anyone over the age of 12 understood the entire thing was make-believe, just entertainment.

Not Selig. Not baseball. They clung to an illusion they either knew wasn’t true or should’ve known wasn’t true. When confronted repeatedly with facts that the game was a sham, they reacted at a glacial pace.

Selig is so surrounded by yes-men and so comforted by apologists in the media – or organizations willing to suspend anyone who mocks him – that he believes his own lunacy.”

“That Selig.
Son of a bitch is dug in like an Alabama tick.”

Jessie Ventura as “Blain” in Predator.

I’ll admit freely that I’m a fan of the TV show Paranormal State. Now E! has a new take on ghost hunting that involves hot chicks in little IQ and scary places. Welcome to Hot Girls In Scary Places, starring the USC song girls.

“They’re totally scared, and totally believe experiences they’re going through,” says executive producer Gary Auerbach. “They’ll get scared and then be talking about a sorority party coming up. It’s a little bit ‘Scooby Doo’-ish.”

I think Weird Al already used this idea in UHF. I think some paranormal activity might be going in my pants. Quick, I need the USC Song Girls to investigate. (I realize that was crass but it sure is funny)

Regardless of what anyone thinks I was not in Tuscaloosa yesterday!!! I have an alibi, isn’t that right Joel? (wink wink nudge nudge)

My pick for next year’s NBA Slam Dunk contest is David Stern.

Like Father Like Son?

Yannick Noah the father of the People’s Transsexual Princess Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah, is confused (or incredibility stupid) by “all that fuss” surrounding the arrest of his son, who was charged with marijuana possession and having an open container of alcohol by the Gainesville Po Po.

“I don’t understand all that fuss for just drinking a beer on the street,” Yannick Noah said Tuesday at the French Open. “I talk to him every day on the phone, he’ll soon come over to France to see me.”

Because it is against the law. Nice example of fatherhood as we approach fathers day…..

He chose to ignore the weed fact when he made that statement. He still knew about it. Great parenting!

Pappy Noah won the title at Roland Garros in 1983. He created a sensation a few years before when he told a magazine writer he smoked marijuana. Oh wait that explains it…and the fact he’s French.

Legalities aside. I wouldn’t like it as a Bulls fan or owner, because its still smoke through the lungs, which anyway you cut it, will make you more winded on the court. Certainly doesn’t score you any role model points either.

Remember I still need “bail” money!!! Click here for details.

Attorney for the Disgraced Ref say the Whole NBA is One Big Dirty Scam

John F. Lauro, the attorney for the gambling referee Tim Donaghy, stated in a letter that was filed in U.S. District Court in Brooklyn on Monday, that everyone in the NBA is dirty and he really hopes to land a job with Court TV.

The attorney also suggested that Donaghy told investigators about the gambling activities of other NBA officials and about a referee who passed “confidential” information to an unidentified coach. The confidential info is supposedly that Spud Webb was really 5’7 and not 5’6.

In a footnote, the attorney suggested that the NBA might have “pressured” the attorney’s office “into shutting down this prosecution to avoid the disclosure of information unrelated to Tim’s conduct.”

Wait, the National Basketball Association pressured the US Attorney’s Office??? Give me a break, what power does the NBA have legally? And what pressure could they assert? That’s just crazy.

“The letter filed today on Mr. Donaghy’s behalf contains an assortment of lies, unfounded allegations, and facts that have been previously acknowledged, such as the fact that certain NBA referees engaged in casino gambling in violation of NBA rules,” said Joel Litvin, the NBA president for league and basketball operations, in a statement. “The letter is the desperate act of a convicted felon who is hoping to avoid prison time.”

Of course Dirty Donaghy’s attorney had a response:

“The remarks by NBA president Joel Litvin were unfortunate and ill-advised,” Lauro said in a statement released Tuesday. “Rather than seeking to implement much-needed reforms, the NBA has chosen instead to attack the messenger. Following a thorough and exhaustive investigation, federal law enforcement officials have concluded that Tim provided honest and trustworthy assistance to them. If the NBA takes issue with any of Tim’s cooperation, then perhaps it should release the results of an internal investigation conducted by its counsel over the last year.”

Like most things, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Contrary to what Stern would have you believe, I’m sure there is more shady activities in the NBA beyond “one rogue official”. That said… and contrary to what Donaghy’s lawyer would have you believe… I highly doubt that Stern has any real power to pressure the feds. They certainly aren’t going to roll over just because Stern wants to avoid bad PR.

Donaghy is throwing everything against the wall, knowing that little or none of it will stick… but in the hope that he can save a little more of his behind from the treatment it will receive in prison.

Remember I still need “bail” money!!! Click here for details.

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Dwight Howard: Millionaire, NBA All-Star, Christian, Baby Daddy

Dwight Howard, center for the Orlando Magic, is a devout Christian. I remember when he came out of high school ESPN ran a story about how he wanted to come in and change the culture of the NBA, 1 soul at a time. Then I heard that he recently had a son out of wedlock with a former Orlando Magic dancer. I thought of one word: hyprocrit…

Then I saw pics of Royce Reed, the dancer that is his son’s mother:

I started to remember that “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”, and that “Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone…

So another word now immediately comes to mind: lucky…

Well he knows how to “get it in the hole”…

The Worst Franchise In Sports

You know, when I watch an NBA game, there are certain things that you expect. Things like passing, making shots, rebounding, and just overall effort. Well because I am an NBA fan, I made the mistake of setting the TiVo to record last night’s Knicks vs. Celtics game. I did that because I am one of the lucky few to have satellite so I got to watch the Packers vs. Cowboys game on the NFL Network. I know, Bryant Gumbel is probably the worst play-by-play guy in creation, but at least I could mute him and still watch a good game (yes, I did that after a while, same as I do for every game they show on NFLN). Back to the Knicks, I probably should have not recorded the game and instead record “Ugly Betty” (hey, Vanessa Williams still looks great to be like 80 years old).

What I saw from the Knicks was a team that said screw it. Virtually every player stole last night’s game check “Ocean’s 11” style. Isiah looked frustrated on the sidelines, and the Celtics looked like they were playing the Louisiana-Monroe Fighting Nutria’s basketball team. Pretty much whatever they wanted to do, they did with little to no resistance.

Hey, one would not expect that from a Stephon Marbury led team right??? Steph looked like he was more interested in selling $14.98 shoes at your local Steve & Barry’s. Marv Albert called it “an embarrassment” and Reggie Miller called them a “team in turmoil”. But what got us to that point??? Let’s examine…

Isiah is an ok coach but the absolute worst GM this side of Scott Layden. You know, it’s funny, because Scott Layden was the last GM of the Knicks. Who hired these guys??? That would be James Dolan, he of the powerful Dolan family (Cablevision empire). It took fans to chant “Fire Layden” every game, sometimes before games even tipped, before he got his hands off his guitar and started to write pink slips. Guess which chants have just started at Knick home games. As far as personnel moves, he is the one that has assembled this “roster”. I made the point earlier that this current roster is pretty much a clustef**k of parts. You have a LOT of shoot first, shoot second, shoot third, and shoot some more players.

Last night, I saw Zach Randolph miss two shots in a row and he was 4 ft away from the basket. Marbury jacked up jumpers like he was on a Pop A Shot machine at Dave & Busters. The only players that showed any heart were Ronaldo Balkman, Nate Robinson, and David Lee. While that was great, they are not real scoring threats. oh, also, DID I MENTION THAT THEY ONLY SCORED 59 POINTS!!! An NBA team in this day in time should score more than 59 points. They shot 30% from the field, 20% from 3 point range, and 14 turnovers. Of course, Quentin Richardson did provide some motivation to the Celtics by saying that they were “a 3 man team with no depth”.

So what now??? Isiah needs to go. 3 or 4 players are serviceable, but the rest of the roster needs to be gutted like a fish. Dolan needs to get someone in like a Jerry Colangelo that knows what they are doing, and needs to stay out of the way. If he does this, David Stern will not make good on his threat to “fix it”. The good thing is that because the strike on Broadway, a good drama can be found at the Garden. How about this: Le’s dress up the Knicks goal as an SUV with a picture of an attractive intern in the back windshield. Then maybe he will know how to “get it in the hole”…

YMSWCC’S NBA (It’s Gambling Fan-Tastic) Season Preview

It’s me, Joel, for better or worse, posting about the NBA. Volunteer football depresses me and since Thomas is about to celebrate a Red Sox World Series ring, I’m posting about something that’s not long and drawn out, the NBA season!!! Yes that’s right, a league that is full of gamblers (refs), adulterers and snitches (Kobe), bloggers (Gilbert), best point guard who happens to not be American (Nash), Hasselhoff loving German (Dirk), guy who brags about not snitching (Carmelo), Frenchman married to an overexposed former Y&R actress (Parker), and owners who get more young ass than the toilets at The Clevelander on South Beach (Dr. Buss and Mickey Arison). The NBA, I LOVE this game!!!

This preview is fluid, to use the words of Herbal Essence spokesman Mel Kiper, Jr. What this means is that my “expert” (ok, I had to laugh at that one myself) analysis will change if/when Kobe Bryant is traded. I still believe that San Antonio will win the title this year, as hard as that was to type, but the path to them winning it all will change as the contenders will change. Can one player change the way I look at how the rest of the league will fare??? When that one player is Kobe Bryant, like him or not off the court, on the court he is amazing, and maybe the closest thing to #23 (whom I refer to as Jesus in a pair of Nikes) that we will see for a while…

Atlantic Division (in order of finish):
1. Boston
2. Toronto
3. New Jersey
4. New York
5. Philadelphia

I really like the move that former Celts Ainge and McHale engineered to bring Boston back to greatness. It was as smooth as the pick and roll game these two execs used to run when they were players. Garnett is a motor guy who has some help. Rajon Rondo needs to grow up quick at the point but Boston should have no problem winning the division.

Toronto will still make the playoffs but I am anxious to see how the young guys develop. New Jersey should be ok but they are not a title contender at this point. The Knicks have traded for a ball hogging post player to go along side another ball hogging post player to go along with a ball hogging 1 and 2 guard, with more ball hogs off the bench. I do like Renaldo Balkman and Wilson Chandler. Philly is a mess…

Central Division:
1. Chicago
2. Detroit
3. Cleveland
4. Milwaukee
5. Indiana

Chicago has all the pieces to make a run this year. If they can get Kobe without giving up the store, they could go to the Finals. What the hell has happened to Detroit??? They should be dominating the East in the regular season AND in the playoffs. LeBron still has no help in Cleveland. Imagine if he was in Chicago instead of Gordon or Deng??? Milwaukee should be interesting with Yi and his adjustment to the NBA. Hope he likes the taste of elbows while in the paint. Indiana has some good young players mixed in with Troy Murphy and Mike Dunleavy. Golden State got over on them…

Southeast Division:
1. Washington
2. Orlando
3. Miami
4. Charlotte
5. Atlanta

Washington needs a little more help off the bench, but Gilbert Arenas sure is fun (aka another players the damn Grizzlies could have drafted). Orlando should continue to make strides with Rashard Lewis. I would not be surprised if they won the division. Miami is getting older, shame with D-Wade still in his prime. Charlotte got a deal with Jason Richardson. He really emerged last year in the playoffs. They are probably 1 year away. Atlanta on the other hand is still several years away. Stop me if you haven’t heard that before.

Southwest Division:
1. San Antonio
2. Dallas
3. Houston
4. Memphis
5. New Orleans

This will be a very competitive division. Spurs will win, but any of these teams could be second. Dallas is #2 by default. I am anxious to see how Steve Francis will adjust to a new role. Yao will get posterized by the 15th game of the season. My Grizzlies still needs a low post rebounder. I am not sold on Darko. New Orleans could win big too. The Paul/West combo will be big.

Northwest Division:
1. Denver
2. Utah
3. Portland
4. Seattle
5. Minnesota

A.I and Melo together after a full pre-season should help out a lot as far as chemistry with the Nuggets. Utah will go as far as Williams will take them. Portland will be much improved, but losing Oden for the year will obviously hurt. The theme for Seattle this year should be “And a Child Shall Lead Them…to Oklahoma City”. Quick. Name me 5 players for Minnesota without looking it up on the web. Thought you couldn’t.

Pacific Division:
1. Phoenix
2. Golden State
3. Los Angeles
4. Los Angeles
5. Sacramento

Phoenix still needs a back up point guard and to use their bench more. This way they can be fresher for the playoff run. Golden State will be hurt a little without Jason Richardson, but Monta Ellis should make up for some loss of production. Keyword is SHOULD. Notice I didn’t separate the 2 LA teams. Doesn’t matter, they won’t do much this year anyway. Coaching will be a problem in Sac Town. I don’t know what kind of style Reggie Theus will run. He didn’t show us much when he was coaching in that NBC show “Hang Time”.

The one big question I have for this year, well 2 questions, is how will the league recover from gambling??? The words “one rogue official” has done nothing to satisfy me because of recent revelations that half of the league’s refs broke a gambling rule or 2. My next big question is how long until Madison Square Garden patrons begin the “Fire Isiah” chants??? Well they have started, but how long until people stop showing up and Spike Lee starts wearing a bag on his head???

Spike Lee predicting the Knicks up coming season