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Writers Wanted
If you would like to be a writer for this blog, guest blogger or have an opposing view point in the form of a story to balance things out, e-mail it in. And yes you can make fun of Tennessee.
Now that John Daly is back in the PGA things just do not get any easier for him. Daly’s sex apparel tour bus is still trucking albeit it’s not as tall as before since he knocked off the top going through a low-clearance tunnel.
Daly was driving through the Bankhead Tunnel in Mobile, Alabama when his “I wish I was 70’s Star Wars Van” bus didn’t clear the 12-foot tunnel. The tunnel tore off the fans and awnings off the bus which landed on a passing Cadillac. Clearly the lesson here is don’t go to Alabama! Knocking off the top is how they say “we don’t like your kind” on Alabamese.
“According to the traffic accident report from the Mobile Police Department, Daly was traveling eastbound toward the tunnel. A sign warns that the tunnel entrance is just 12 feet high, and dangling chains determine if a vehicle is too tall.
In his witness report, Jimmy Roberson of Mobile was just exiting the tunnel when the fan and awnings on top of Daly’s RV crashed into his 1998 Cadillac DeVille. Roberson’s windshield, roof and trunk were damaged in the 2:32 p.m. accident, according to the police report.”
To be fair, Daly claims those mystic chains were not in place when the incident happened and the police told him that this sort of thing happens to all the alcoholic RV driving golfers all the time.
I find this hard to believe. Since when is John Daly awake and sober at 2:30 in the afternoon?
Daly also doesn’t believe these alleged “head & necks” injuries either.
funny just read now the guy has Neck and Shoulder injuries?? From what??? something hitting his trunk?!
Why not? It happened to Brett Favre.
Thanks to Twitter insurance fraud might actually see a decline.
If you have ever seen the movie The Bad News Bears then you know about the bail bondsmen, Chico’s Bail Bonds, who sponsored the little league team in the movie. Well, let’s all hope there is a generous bail bondsman in Alabama cause one little league coach there really needs one.
When I played little league baseball for the Greer Dodgers (Hell yeah I made the all-star team) my coach certainly didn’t have a kilo of cocaine and an unregistered weapon on him that I could see, then again I didn’t grow up in Alabama either.
Meet Marlon Wade, a little league coach of 11-12 year-olds in the Saraland Baseball Association. He has actually been coaching there for about 6 years. While one of his hobbies does include helping Alabama youth achieve little league greatness while developing their baseball talent, he also enjoys drug trafficking, sudoku, theft and assault.
He was recently arrested while in possession of $24,000 worth of cocaine and an unregistered weapon and he has 22 prior arrests on charges of disorderly conduct, theft and assault. I really don’t want to know why he took his infielders to Columbia, and I really really don’t want to know how he got the cocaine into the country.
Meanwhile the team parents are frantically calling around and leaving cryptic messages on their friends voicemails including phases like “the hookup” and “some shit”
But hey he is a little league coach and that’s a good quality. I guess background checks are expensive.
“It’s expensive to do them, but that’s not an excuse,” said Todd Edge, Commissioner for the Saraland Baseball Association. “We have 150 coaches in the baseball park. I talked to some independent agencies. It’s 40 dollars per coach to do a background check, so you’re talking about six thousand dollars. We don’t get city funding.”
So I guess baseball commissioners at every level make ridiculous excuses for not checking for drug use. Get the kids (or their parents) to kick in $2 apiece as a coach background check fee. It’s pretty fucking simple, isn’t it?
Or your coaches could sell cocaine and pool the proceeds together for the background check. Hey, whatever works!
The coach has been banned from coaching in the league, talk about a harsh punishment.
I have always been a casual NASCAR fan. I have been fortunate to see a few of the Winston/Nextel/Sprint Cup events in person, as well as a Busch Series race. I have been to Memphis, Bristol, and Talladega a few times over the years and I enjoyed the events a lot. So when this story broke, I chuckled a little bit, was slightly disturbed, and in the end, not surprised.
Mauricia Grant, a former technical inspector for NASCAR, is suing the organization for $225 million. I guess $226 million was asking for too much. Anyway, the suit is claiming racial discrimination, sexual harassment, and wrongful termination. Some of the things that were said include:
*Nappy Headed Mo
*Al-Qaeda
*Black Sisters Revenge
*How come the palms of your hands are white???
*I don’t want to start a riot when these fans see a black woman in my race car.
*Just get over the whole slavery thing.
And my personal favorite:
*Does your workout include an urban obstacle course with a flat-screen TV on your back.
I mean the guy could have said carrying a watermelon on your back while running in between buckets of KFC. Damn, be original. (For more racial taunts, here is The Smoking Gun’s post).
Back to my experiences at NASCAR races. Generally, I had a great time. True, I went with a bunch of buddies who were somewhat stereotypical of NASCAR fans, but for the most part, I had few problems…Except when I went to Talladega. What a surprise, a black man in Alabama getting harassed. I think they were upset that Logan Young didn’t have me paid for with his platinum Visa card. I did hear some comments not fit to be published on this blog, but I took it as though they were some liquored up nutjobs that were the obvious exception. Plus, they were probably there for the 5 cartons of smokes that used to be given out at the Winston Cup events.
It is times like these where I realize that as many strides that we have made as a country, we still have a looooooooong way to go. This puts bad press on NASCAR as a sport and maybe alienates us few minority fans, but at least homegirl is gonna get paid…….
If you ask NASCAR, they will tell you she has enough money to get her 8 kids by 10 different baby daddys off of welfare, and she doesn’t have to go on Maury Povich to pay for the DNA tests…
There was once a man named Bobby, who was excited about the upcoming Tide football season, but was a little concerned because the team still had the pagan Shula’s recruits left. Bobby would putter along like any other member of the Saban Nation, spending his days stockpiling Scott Toilet Tissue whenever Walgreens had a sale on it, and kissing the altar of his holiness The Bear. Tuscaloosa wasn’t heaven, however Bobby felt as though it was heaven on earth.
He would remember his days as a youth as Bear brought in the best of the best to maintain the team’s rightful dominance in college football. His heart was very joyful when Stallings won another championship and the cash flowed throughout the town of Tuscaloosa, both around the team and at the local t-shirt shop. He even remembers seeing the prophet Logan Young on the sidelines, credit card in hand, to provide the players with the finest liquor, drugs, strippers, whatever was needed for the good of the Tide Nation, and Bear looked down from heaven and was proud.
However, Bobby’s faith has been a little shaken. The Tide has been a punchline lately, and the program has not won a championship in what seems like years. Even with the arrival of St. Nick the Magnificent, the Tide still cannot vanquish the in state goat lover’s to the south or the nutria in Louisiana. The only bright spot has been the annual trips to Shreveport to enjoy whatever there is to do in Shreveport.
Bobby was now down and out. His childhood memories of ‘Bama glory has now been replaced with images of Dee Snyder looking strippers hugged up with Coach Price, Shula’s gold chains, stolen textbooks, and losing 6 straight to Tuberville. There just hasn’t been enough Golden Flake chips in the world to bring the good memories back. One day, during the 7th inning stretch of the Montgomery Biscuits baseball game (the only team winning championships in the state these days), he had a vision after visiting his friend John at the Biscuits souvenir stand. His faith in the Tide would be restored, because St. Nick the Magnificent has just appeared in front of him. He then told Bobby:
“Verily I say unto you, my child, that thy faith has been shaken. Why??? Be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings about the Crimson Tide have betrayed you. I have wined and dined with kings and queens, and I beseech you, my child, to have faith. Have you forgotten that I am a direct descendant of Bear himself??? Did you not remember that I vanquished the mighty Vols by my mastery and cunning alone??? I have unlimited resource$ at my disposal. Remember when Julio Jones put on that crimson hat on signing day??? Why have you lost your faith???
Bobby replied “My Prophet!!! You are not short like all the liberal left wing nut job papers report that you are. And your hair is so perfect and has a silky sheen to it. Do you use Prell???” To which St. Nick the Magnificent replied:
“You mean to tell me that is the response that I get??? Typical. How can these people afford to pay me $4 million per year with such dumb ass responses??? Oh well, West Virginia will be open in a couple of years. Listen son, have faith in me. I am great. I have put downtrodden programs back on the map and have a national championship to my credit. The problem is that right now we are still trying to weed out Gold Chain Shula’s players that he recruited. In a few years, we will be competing for that SEC West crown in no time.”
Bobby was now feeling much better. His faith had been just about restored, but he had to ask the following: “What about Auburn???
“For there is a great eagle to the south that soars high and wide over the stars that fell over Alabama. The eagle has posed little to no threat to life as we speak until recently. But verily I say unto you, Bobby, ye of the “fine” public educational system in Alabama, that we shall vanquish that eagle and the Tide will roll once again. Fear not, my child, for lo, I will be with you always (until my next fat paycheck). Continue to drink out of the Biscuits souvenir cup that has just touched the hem of my garment and you shall be transported to a happier time.”
It was then that Bobby woke up, pissy drunk in Montgomery County jail on charges of public intoxication after consuming 64 oz. of moonshine at a Southern League baseball game. It seemed that his friend John was an Auburn alum and alerted the police of his drunkenness…
Alana Colette Connell is one sexy lady. And don’t you dipshits forget it. You clandestine sissy boys made fun of her last year kissing Nick Saban and getting arrested for DUI immediately afterwards. You fans of other schools are just jealous that a woman would take off of her job at Dollar General to attend a pep rally for the new coach. You wish you had fans as dedicated to the Capstone as Ms. Connell. She’s a Cougar.
Now that’s a fan. So what she had a few drinks too many? The cop that arrested her was a Barner. Those numbnuts from the Barn are just sooooooooooooooo jealous of our 12 prizes and the Paul “Bear” Bryant Museum. Remind me again who the fuck Pat Dye was? That’s right animal lovers, he ain’t even Bill Curry. Leave our George Dickel drinking cougar alone.
Oh, and to show you some more talent from Tuscaloosa, not that these jackasses on this site know what beauty is, here you go:
Roll Tide Roll Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at Mr. Young. He looks so peaceful, stoic, determined, and defiant. Damned all of the legal troubles, he is a true sacrifice for the institution that we call Alabama football. I love this pic of Mr. Young. Hanging on the wall behind him is God in houndstooth, Coach Bryant. I dare not call Mr. Young by his first name, because he is too important in the annals of Alabama football.
Some of us members of the now “Saban Nation” have distanced ourselves from Mr. Young. Not me. I fully embrace Mr. Young for his efforts to make sure that ‘Bama Ball keeps its rightful place among the top of college football. USC, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Michigan football be damned. Alabama IS college football and the sacrifice that Mr. Young has made should be a shining example of giving up yourself for the greater good of Alabama football. RTR…
I am getting almost misty eyed writing this, but if I can get at least one of my fellow ‘Bama brethern to see the light, then I will gladly dehydrate by ocular extraction for the greater good. After all, Mr. Young gave the ultimate gift in the name of Alabama football, so a few lost tears won’t hurt.
Last December, before I made my winter hunting trip to Shreveport, I was in the Bass Pro Shop in Prattville looking for a brand new Benelli Super Nova w/ Steady Grip. This gun is perfect for hunting the native nutria in Shreveport. As I was holding the piece, a vision came upon me. As I made my purchase, I decided to name this particular gun Mr. Young. This gun would be used to pierce the hearts and heads of any prey that may come before me, just as Mr. Young used his incredible finances to ensure recruits land at Alabama. Anyway, after we set up our nutria blind in Shreveport, I got my gear on and loaded Mr. Young. As I laid down cabbage leaves in the nutria kill zone, I raced back to the blind until the first critter came out. I grabbed Mr. Young, saw the creature through my Bushnell scope, and squeezed the trigger. I caught that nutria right between the eyes. Mr. Young was accurate and deadly, just like the original. We ate plenty of nutria that night in December, along with some Golden Flake chips and a Coke, just like Bear did. The next night, we watched the Tide roll over those pagans from Colorado.
Mr. Young, you are gone, but this Little Bear Cub will never forget you or the sacrifice that you made for the University of Alabama. ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well now that I have a chance to write, after travelling for the job, missing the game of the year because I was on a plane (UT v. Memphis), and being depressed about losing to a talented Tennessee basketball team, I get to now focus my attention to college football players and programs out of control. I know, you’re probably thinking Alabama, Tennessee, Florida, South Carolina, Florida State, or even Penn State. But just as quietly as they have sucked the last couple of years on the field, this Big 10 team has proven that even they are not too slow for the police blotter off of the field…
The University of Iowa Hawkeyes have had 14 player arrests in the past calendar year. This hawk has been flying off of the radar, just like their past football season. The latest arrest happened this past week, as WR James Cleveland and backup QB Arvell Nelson was arrested. Cleveland was busted for, get this, 21 pills of oxycodone and 24 doses of cardisoprodol, a drug to relax muscles. The drugs had no label and no prescription. Nelson was arrested because he had weed (aka Gainesville’s finest or Knoxville Recruiting Tool) sitting on his desk in plain view. I wonder if Nelson is an Ag-Science Major…
Well the school has had players arrested for the following: several drunken driving arrests, credit card fraud (also known as the Gottlieb), taking DVD’s from Wal-Mart (hopefully not the $1 bin DVD’s), sexual assault, and the ever popular failure to appear. Wow. Jai Eugene over at Losers With Socks wrote about the trend of Alabama having “16”, but give these guys a little time and they should beat that record easily. Fulmer Cup my ass.
I guess instead of having pink locker rooms at Kinnick Stadium, they might paint the dorm rooms pink…
Well I am a little bit depressed because the TV will be polluted with coverage of Roger Clemens v. Brian MacNamee. How many times can one hear a variation of “It Wasn’t Me???” Examples: “I didn’t use steroids. Period.” “I did not have sexual relations with woman, Ms. Lewinsky.” “I didn’t kill my wife and her friend.” “I didn’t try to make it rain in the strip club.” “I am not a crook.” So with that said, let us instead focus on the future, where we can hope that this top rated prospect becomes either the next Dan Fouts or the next Tony Mandarich. This year, I think we might have both. Here are the official (unless Thomas says different) YMSWWC NFL Mock Draft Picks (1-5)
Miami Dolphins: These heartbreakers have the distinct pleasure of picking first. Yes the needs are many. There is not a position on the field that they do not need any immediate help. Outside of Jason Taylor, you can pretty much trash the roster. In comes Bill Parcells. He will bring organization to a franchise that still is trying to recover from “Saban Nation”. I have heard that a certain billionaire wildcatter who is an Arkansas alum may be trying to trade up with a certain coach turned GM that used to sign that GM’s checks, and that would make sense. Dolphins could use 2 first round picks, but I don’t see that happening. With that said, they will take long hard look at Glenn Dorsey, Jake Long, and Chris Long. So the pick will be: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU.
St. Louis Rams-Yet another team that went through a hard season. These aren’t your 1999-2002 Rams anymore. They are more like the 1989-1998 Rams. Age, injuries, bad free agent signings have turned these rams into sheep (Quick Longhorn/Aggie joke: How do you know when you are getting close to AggieLand? When you start seeing the sheep back up to the fence). Defense is more of a need than offense at this point. Pick: Chris Long, DE, Virginia.
Atlanta Falcons-Wow. Holy weed smoking, dog fighting, carpet bagging, GM and Coach rejection Batman. What in the world is going on in the ATL??? Well this is actually an easy pick, just because they have one big black hole where the QB spot is (not the black hole that is being pounded in Leavenworth). I think this will be a bad pick, but somebody’s gotta overpay for an All-American QB, so it might as well be Arthur Blank. Pick: Matt Ryan (Leaf), QB, Boston College
Kansas City Chiefs-Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Offensive Line. Yes, they need a QB and another WR, but what good is all of that if you have a revolving door for an offensive line??? It’s hard to think that the O-Line was just a few years ago spectacular. Even though I love Ryan Clady from Boise St., that makes too much sense, and the overlord team President known as Carl Petersen doesn’t make decisions that make sense. So: Jake Long, OT, Michigan
Oakland Raiders-These are some of the most dedicated fans that I have seen, and yet, some of the scariest. I had a couple of friends that went to Whatevertheycallit Coliseum to see Oakland and the Titans play. They figured a nice trip to the Bay Area would be great. Let’s just say that it wasn’t a good trip. One word of advice: If making the trip to see a Raiders game, do NOT wear the other team’s colors unless your name is Kimbo Slice or you love the aroma of beer, weed, and middle aged biker chicks. Of course, this is Uncle Al’s team, and he LOVES offense. Guess who this pick will be??? Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:
Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.
The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.
Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”
What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..
How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???
Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???
Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???
If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…
Have any questions, hate mail, private comments, cease and desist letters, story ideas, death threats (that will be published) or tips? Then drop us a line at
ymswwc@gmail.com
Atlanta Falcons-Wow. Holy weed smoking, dog fighting, carpet bagging, GM and Coach rejection Batman. What in the world is going on in the ATL??? Well this is actually an easy pick, just because they have one big black hole where the QB spot is (not the black hole that is being pounded in 
Kansas City Chiefs-Offensive Line, Offensive Line, Offensive Line. Yes, they need a QB and another WR, but what good is all of that if you have a revolving door for an offensive line??? It’s hard to think that the O-Line was just a few years ago spectacular. Even though I love Ryan Clady from Boise St., that makes too much sense, and the overlord team President known as Carl Petersen doesn’t make decisions that make sense. So: Jake Long, OT, Michigan
Oakland Raiders-These are some of the most dedicated fans that I have seen, and yet, some of the scariest. I had a couple of friends that went to Whatevertheycallit Coliseum to see Oakland and the Titans play. They figured a nice trip to the Bay Area would be great. Let’s just say that it wasn’t a good trip. One word of advice: If making the trip to see a Raiders game, do NOT wear the other team’s colors unless your name is Kimbo Slice or you love the aroma of beer, weed, and middle aged biker chicks. Of course, this is Uncle Al’s team, and he LOVES offense. Guess who this pick will be??? Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas
Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain 
