Gators ripping off other Gators…lovely

School pride can be a wonderful thing and former Gator Anthone Lott has so much Florida pride that he refuses to commit crimes unless they are against other former Gators. 

The state of Florida has filed charges against Lott accusing him of theft, fraud and money laundering, for a crooked construction deal in which Lott took money from a bank construction loan, and then did none of the work he was hired for. Which was probably building a cross for Tebow or something.  The contractor at the other end of the loan was fellow former Gator Joseph Weary. Both men are apart of the 1996 championship team. Lott is definitely the 1% of 1% material that Meyer craves. 

Lott & Weary were actually in a civil suit over this very situation but settled out of court last year, but the state prosecutors have filed charges so the fat lady hasn’t sung yet. Maybe Steve Spurrier can be called into this case and dispense justice with his “Visor-of-Death.”  As long as he doesn’t disrespect the play-calling, I’m sure Lott will be welcome back in the athletic department anytime.

The University of Florida wants to honor their jort wearing zombie boosters

Remember Jamar Hornsby? He was the Florida Gator player who stole the ATM card from a dead student and used it numerous times. Well, now the University of Florida wants to make it easier to steal from dead people by building a graveyard right on the campus.

Must not make burial at sea joke… must not make burial at sea joke…

According to officials at Florida they receive multiple requests from jort wearing fans that want their ashes spread onto the field and/or to be buried on the campus. So in order to this and of course turn a profit they want to charge alumni $3,000 to $5,000 to store their remains there for all eternity or until Tim Tebow ascends to heaven.

Now it’ll be a little easier to approach the Gators in Heaven.

“We feel like it would be meeting a need. I can’t tell you how many people call,” said Katie Marquis, the university’s alumni association director of membership and marketing.”

They want to start out by building something called a columbarium which is a fancy way of saying fireplace mantle but there is a problem the university doesn’t meet the state requirements for starting their own cemetery.

Of course the state legislature who happens to be filled which jort wearing Florida grads is working on a bill that would grant state schools special dispensation, so that they might better address the needs of boosters.

The first two burials will be the careers of Rex Grossman and Danny Wuerffel followed by Joakim Noah.

Of course if the bill fails the fallback plan closely mirrors the end of Temple Of Doom.

A remake of “Left for Dead” starring Tim Tebow, Jokim Noah Steve Spurrier and Erin Andrews is hopefully in the cards.

This Gator football player is probably the dumbest of the bunch to date

Coming out of high school Carl Johnson was a five star rated recruit who was the No. 6 offensive line prospect in the class of 2005 by Rivals.com, and played a key role in the Gators’ 2008 national championship.. His football career at the University of Florida is the rise. As a sophomore this past season he appeared in all 14 games and started in eight of those games at the left guard position. Now like a lot of past Gators before him Johnson gets to see the inside of a jail cell and this is under rather alarming circumstances.

Somehow the Gator mafia suppressed the fact that Johnson was served a temporary injunction on Feb. 9 for protection against sexual violence from the mainstream media. However since some Gators are plainly stupid, the Gator mafia can not keep the fact that around one week later Johnson has already violated that order got to know a Gainesville jail cell intimately.

On Monday, February 16, Johnson in all his glorious Gator gangsta self knowingly decided to sit across the UF campus bus aisle against the woman (at least I hope it’s a woman) who filed for the protection order. And then to make matters worse he had four chances to exit the bus but didn’t until the woman exited the bus.

Yes Urban you certainly are recruiting and signing the top 1% of 1% in the country. The top 1% of criminals and top 1% of dumb asses or in Johnson’s case both. Next thing you know, Gator players will be shooting AK 47’s and using a dead woman’s credit card. Oh wait that’s already happened. 

Of course while all this was going on, Meyer has been “out of the country”, I’m betting he is in Thailand with Teabag Timmy.

Is this a new generation of Florida fans?

Warning strong language!

Florida player celebrates victory over Georgia by choking his soulmate

Imagine coming off that rather huge & impressive victory over the Georgia Bulldogs. You’re ready to party by grabbing some sweet icky weed, jorts, a dead woman’s credit card & and a AK-47. However those party favors lost their appeal for cornerback Jacques Rickerson so instead he decides to pull a Latrell Sprewell and choke his girlfriend.

An arrest report stated Rickerson was at the woman’s home and became upset when she told him to leave. Police said he hit the woman on the side of her face and choked her around the throat. When she screamed for help, he pushed her neck further into the mattress of the bed and used a pillow to cover her face.

After he let her go, the woman told police she tried to get out of the room but he blocked the door. He also took her cell phone when she said she was going to call police.

Officers reported the woman had visible injuries to her arm, neck and upper chest.

Of course being a Gator mean this isn’t Rickerson’s first run in with the po-po. Around a year ago he plead guilty to possession of having the sweet icky weed on him.

Urban Meyer has actually kicked Rickerson off the team saying:

“Jacques Rickerson is no longer part of our team – that is not what our program is about.”

So Rickerson gets kicked, but the dude holding the AK and shooting in the air doesn’t? Stay Classy Florida!

I just find it funny that Meyer said he would only recruit the top 1% of kids who have character. Maybe this was a “misunderstanding” like the Joyner situation?

All college teams have to deal with these situations. I just find it funny that Meyer tries to present himself as some specialist elitist.

E-Mail From An Ohio State Fan

I have a friend named Peter who is a proud Buckeye. He graduates from Ohio State University, is a successful engineer, and is pretty well adjusted…

He is also a nutjob who is largely irrational when it comes to all things Ohio State. Trash talking is what he does, but I would not necessarily say it is the best thing he does. He actually sucks at it, as you will see from the following e-mail he sent me after the school’s triumph for winning the NIT last night. When I asked if he would not mind me sharing this e-mail with the rest of the free world, he said “Go for it, so the rest of the free world shall know the greatness that is being a Buckeye.”

Joel,

I know it has been a while since I shot you a text or e-mail, but the wife and I are in New York now (ed. note: His wife Amanda is a Florida Gator). Anyway, we just left Madison Square Garden kickin the asses of those UMass flower children in the NIT championship game. So now you can’t talk trash on how we can’t win the big one.

The last decade has been a great time to be a Buckeye. After finally running off John Cooper, we finally have a coach that wins championships in Jim Tressel. Our football team is loaded and next year we will win it all, and bring home that crystal football back to it’s rightful place in Columbus.

In basketball, once we got another great coach in Thad Matta and got off of probation, we have been dominant in basketball too. We should have made the NCAA tournament this year, but we made lemonade out of lemons and won the NIT. Hey, a championship is still a championship, and I can look Amanda in the eye and say that Florida didn’t make it to the NIT championship this year. That would have been sweet redemption for last year, when we couldn’t get a foul call in the NCAA’s last year. I know if that game last year were played on a neutral court with better officials, we would have dominated. Oden and Conley were a dynamic duo.

Now we get Terrell Pryor coming. He can learn the Buckeye system under the great Todd Boeckman, who should win the Heisman trophy. Then he can step in like Troy Smith in a couple of years and win 3 Heismans. Keep in mind, the only player to win multiple Heismans is the great Archie Griffin. Either way, we will run through scUM and the rest of the Big Ten, and I pray to God we play another SEC team in the championship game so I can shut you and Amanda both up. I don’t see what the big deal is about the SEC. just because a few teams beat us due to home cooking (see this year’s BCS title game in New Orleans against LSU). Plus, we beat Ole Miss in the NIT semifinal, so we did beat an SEC team in something. Amanda tells me that beating Ole Miss in anything is like winning a foot race against a kid wearing special shoes, but I told her that eventually Forrest Gump broke free out of his.

Anyway, take care of the family and I will do better with e-mails,

Peter (GO BUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Now do you see why I just had to share this???

(pic courtesy of the hard working guys at Losers With Socks)

There’s An Axe Swinging At ESPN/ABC

In today’s USA Today, it is reported that Michele Tafoya and Suzy Kolber will have reduced roles during their Monday Night Football telecasts. As of right now, there is no word as to what exactly their new roles will be. According to ESPN’s Mike Soltys, “There precise roles are yet to be determined.” Also, on the ABC Sports side, contracts of Dan Fouts and Tim Brandt will not be renewed. Fouts and Brandt mostly worked on Pac-10 games.

Tafoya and Kolber should not be the only changes on the Monday Night Football broadcast. Kornheiser needs to go. While I am not that familiar with his columns, I thought he did a great on the radio and works well with Mike Wilbon on PTI. In the broadcast booth, he is no better than Dennis Miller. At least he doesn’t try to use words from an SAT study guide like Miller commonly does. Personally, I would like to see Mike “Sexual Harassment” Tirico go too. Give some young and up and coming broadcaster the gig. Also, if they want to upgrade from Tafoya and Kolber, America’s Favorite Gator Erin Andrews is available.

As for Fouts and Brandt, I thought they were great on the telecast. Personally, I thought they made the best broadcast team that ABC/ESPN had for football coverage. I think the problem was that they focused on the details of the game. X’s and O’s were their thing. This is the ABC/ESPN mindset: Who needs X’s and O’s and who wants to learn more about the game, when Matthew McGodhesgay is down there in the student section??? Let’s put a shirt on that guy, take that Texas sized spliff out of his hands, and bring him up to the booth so he can talk about his Longhorns. After all, nothing says Longhorn football like a shirtless neo-conservative playing the bongos and having a case of the munchies.

Here is my personal list of people I think need to be let go by ESPN specifically:

*Stuart Scott-Can a man be so much of a walking cliche??? He was cool back in 1997 and has aged since.

*Colin Cowherd-Bring back Kornheiser on the radio. Cowherd belongs on Fox Sports Radio. Douchebag.

*Sean Salisbury-Do I honestly need a reason here???

*Kirk Herbstreit-Pretty boy QB with the analytical abilities of a 5 year old Madden gamer.

*Skip Bayless-He’s another guy that believes his own press clippings too much.

*Mike Lupica-Suffers from “Little Man Syndrome” and probably Erectile Dysfunction.

* Any of the Baseball Tonight Crew Not Named Karl Ravech, Peter Gammons, or Buster Olney.

*Rachel Nichols-I think she would be cool not in front of the camera. She doesn’t blink for God’s sake. Freaky…

*Mike & Mike-Insert gay & meathead joke here.

I know I left out the usual names like Berman, Musberger, Mike Patrick, Dana Jacobson. They always give us great YouTube clips, so I think they should stay. Plus, I heard Dana Jacobsen loves to party. Also, I left out overrated RB Emmitt Smith. I know he can’t talk, but if they send him to ESPN Deportes for about 3 months so he can learn Spanish, he just might do better. Just keep him away from Adriana Monsalve…

Gator Bait

Courtesy of our friends at Rush The Court, here’s pics of Florida alum and ESPN reporter Erin Andrews…

For The Thug Who Has Everything

Now this is a present. This game is basically a Monopoly, but instead of “Go To Jail”, you try to break out of jail and/or get parole. This is a description of the game from the official website:

Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss’ lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse’s desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole.

The artistry of each handcrafted piece is matched with comparable humor & intelligence on every card. Stack your smokes, sharpen your shank, and get ready for an experience that only someone on the outside could appreciate.

Wow. What more can be said. Check out the game pieces. Who among us played Monopoly as a kid and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a thimble I could use a Glock as my game piece???”

What’s the sports connection??? Well let’s see: The founder of the company and game is John Sebelius, son of Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius. Kansas is where America’s “favorite” marijuana smuggling (and smoking), lawsuit avoiding, Valtrex popping, inaccurate throwing, dog killing QB Michael Vick is currently doing his time. But let’s think of the endless possibilities..

How about a “Playmakers” Edition featuring O.J., his white Bronco, memorabilia, copy of “If I Did It”, and a Naked Gun DVD for playing pieces???

Or a “Ballers” Edition, with Kobe attached to a blonde female hotel clerk, Roy Tarpley, transcripts of Tim Donaghy’s gambling probe, Jack Sikma’s perm, and WNBA TV Ratings???

Lastly, what about a “Juiced” version, with Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, a syringe, and a torn record book???

If they market this game right, it could be a gold mine. Of course, someone needs to mail some of these games to all SEC schools, so they can play as part of the “Super Secret Double Probation”…

Finally, Some Good News for Tennessee and Meyer’s 1% of 1%

It’s rare when I actually find good things to report about my beloved Vols. It’s also rare that I report good things without sarcasm. Well, this will be good with sarcasm. Old Phil finally found a way to be more competitive with Florida, by stealing their running back coach Stan Drayton. To some it up in a nutshell Stan wasn’t happy at Florida but don’t my written words for it take his spoken instead.

“The offense we were running in Florida did not have much involvement with the running back,” he said during a news conference Wednesday night. “There was some frustration there, I must be honest with you.”

Florida had running backs this past year? Oh you mean Tebow, play action to himself, fakes pass, runs up the middle. That was Florida’s running game last year and it worked.

Drayton has been with the Gators since Herban Meyer took over the program, helping guide Florida to the 2006 SEC and national championships. While at Florida, Drayton developed a reputation for recruiting, and Rivals.com named him one of its top 25 recruiters for his role in the Gators’ 2007 signing class, which was ranked No. 1 in the nation by several services. Of course losing a bowl game to Michigan probably was a factor. I mean Tennessee did win their bowl game verses a Big Eleven Ten team.

So there Gators fans ppphhhpppttttt take that.

Drayton isn’t the only Gator abandoning Meyer. Bo Williams, Trent Pupello (a player they initially compared to Jeremy Shockey) and several other players are looking to transfer to other programs.

Meyers top 1% of the 1% of players across the nation, as he likes to call them will still be there if they don’t bolt to the NFL or wind up in jail first.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on some of Meyer’s players.

• Marcus Thomas failed numerous drug tests for marijuana and GHB, yet miraculously was cleared to play during a stretch run that aided the Gators to the title.
• Brandon James was busted with marijuana during a drug bust, where he had less than 20 grams of marijuana. His indefinite suspension lasted one game versus Western Kentucky.
• Dorian Monroe decided that he was above the law, removing a parking boot from his car and putting it in his trunk. Remember, Florida was thin at defensive back, thus it was swept away, and how in the hell do you remove a parking boot anyway?
• Ronnie “AK-47” Wilson, was held out this season. But, it wasn’t due to the harsh penalties from Coach Meyer, it was the state law enforcement. Firing automatic weapons at people often leads to that.

Maybe Steve God Spurrier can learn a thing about discipline from Herban.

Other good news concerning Tennessee is the fact they handed Ole Miss their first loss of the season tonight, while winning their SEC opening game. Also rumors are circulating about Ryan Mallett leaving the Michigan football program and is strongly looking at Tennessee, but somehow I think Phil will fuck that up.